Would you reconsider a friendship after this or am I being a drama queen?

[Dreamees]

I have a friend I’ve known a couple of years and she’s always been a bit flakey with meeting up and timing. She doesn’t have many friends and I think I’m probably her closest. Before lockdown we had agreed to meet at 12 for lunch. It gets to half 10 and I message to confirm with her and hear nothing. At half 11 she says she will try and be there for half 12 and will let me know

It gets to 12:15 and I hear nothing. I then text her and ask if she’s ok and please could she let me know as I will make other plans if she can no longer make it. She doesn’t read the messages until 4pm and when she doesn’t she doesn’t even reply. She was online all that evening as she has her last seen on WhatsApp. A couple of days later she text to say how was I and that that day she had had a huge row with her partner. This is a common thing as they are always arguing but surely I deserve a quick text to say actually she won’t be meeting!

I’m usually quite relaxed about stuff but I am on my own at the moment and finding isolation hard. That was one occasion I could have been out of the house with a friend and she knew that. I’ve kind of got to the point now, having reflected on it, that it was actually quite a shitty thing to do and I’m not ok with it. Am I being dramatic here?

That should say ‘and when she does’

No she's being a dick. Thin her out.

It sounds like you both lack understanding and concern for each other tbh, maybe you’re just not that good friends.

YANBU. I just wouldn't bother making plans with her anymore.

No matter what happened with her boyfriend, it takes 20 seconds to send a text. Or at least apologise profusely the next day.

No, you're not. You deserved a quick text to say "sorry, can't make it". She didn't need to explain why or elaborate any further. At least you could have made other plans. Your time is just as valuable as hers.

I wonder what her reaction would have been had it been the other way round.

Does her boyfriend cause an argument a lot before she is due to meet friends?

As a one off I would be understanding, as a repeated thing I would be really angry and ask her why she thinks your time is not important?

I wouldn't waste another second on her.

She was unreasonable. What she did was awful.

Depending on your friendship, I would probably try to meet again and let her know it was totally u acceptable and you won’t be putting up with it again, whilst also enquiring if everything is ok with partner and checking she’s not in abusive / controlling relationship as behaving as she did is a sign of it.

I don't think you are BU at all, this sort of stuff grinds my gears and I've had the same thing this morning. Flakey friend has recently been asking to meet with me, not that other way round, quite a few times recently and either forgets or can't make it last minute. Happened again this morning after finalising last night. It's really irritated me.

I've got another friend who does this too, chops and changes like the weather. I live alone too and I look forward to pre-arranged plans. I get that there are curveballs in life, things come up unexpectedly but I really stress about cancelling and changing plans with someone as I care about how it might affect them.

To do it all the time is just selfish and shows total disregard for the other person.

Fuck that. I'd let the friendship die. Very rude behaviour from her.

Stss as a in touch but if she asks to meet say no and why

Is she in an abusive relationship? It sounds like she might be.

It’s not the first time no, this time it just felt worse due to being days away from lockdown. She does have a difficult partner and I’m extremely understanding and talk things through with her constantly. I just felt this time that to not even text me back for two days, when she’d been online... usually I would check she’s ok but I just felt it was shitty and she clearly had her phone with her.

Really selfish inconsiderate behaviour on her part - I would dump her for this (particularly as it forms part of a wider pattern), and I don't dump friends lightly.

Imo people treat you as shitty as you let them.
Give her a swerve op.

She sounds awful OP, YADNBU. I'd call time on the friendship.

Don't make any more plans with her. Gradually let her fade away.

I also think the boyfriend could be the issue. She doesn't make firm commitments because she doesn't know if she'll be able to go as it will depend on him/his mood.
On that day he might have caused an argument and either taken her phone or she was trying to placate him.
What do you think? Could this be the case?
Or she just could be selfish and flakey, but you know her best.
I've been in the situation of having a controlling partner so I might be reading something in that isn't there.

OP,

You are accepting appalling treatment from someone who doesn't care a jot for you.

Nobody who cares for someone would dream of being so rude and disrespectful.

When a person accepts such dreadful treat4from anyone in their lives, it is so damaging for your sense of self worth.

We teach people how to treat us.

Please don't accept this from her.

Don't answer her text.
Block her.

People like this add nothing to your life.

Infact I think they are doxic.

By her messing you around, she also deliberately prevented you from making another plan.

Very very deliberate.

Do not allow anyone fxxk with you like that.

Protect yourself from people like that.

They add nothing to your life.

Someone with boundaries wouldn't accept that behaviour twice.

"Make a fool of me once, shame on you. Make a food of me twice, shame on me".

I'd ditch her for that.

I'd be upset too. Just to offer another perspective, though, I have a friend who used to cancel at the last minute like that: it turned out that her then-partner was horrifically controlling and would fly into violent rages if she tried to do anything social (he has Asperger's - although he refuses to accept the diagnosis - and had to be in control of everything or he went completely to pieces). I had no idea what was happening until she finally managed to get away from him.

I agree with others who are wondering what is going on with her partner. It’s not uncommon for a controlling relationship to look like this from the outside. She could just be flaky of course but I think I would have an upfront conversation about it. I’d say that I was irritated about it and that it happens a lot and that it isn’t OK to mess people around but that as it was so bizarre I’m beginning to wonder whether something (someone) is preventing her from meeting up?

I think I’d just want to try and find out if something is going on that indicates something other than flakiness or selfishness. If she is the latter then I would probably just put my efforts into other friendships and see her in circumstances that don’t rely on her (like meeting up with others as well as her, which can go ahead whether she turns up or not). I think you do need to have a frank conversation with her.

Nah. She’s a crap friend who let you down then messages to waffle on about her shitty relationship.

Get rid.