Struggling with teenaged DD

[MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously]

My DD is 13 and I'm finding things very difficult with her right now. I really need some suggestions of what to do because I feel our (usually very close) relationship is being damaged. I asked her earlier to do something for me and she said she didn't want to. We've just had a long conversation via text where I told her that her behaviour was selfish and unkind and that in life you sometimes have to do things you wouldn't choose because it's nice for someone else. She doesn't get it at all. I've tried explaining that I do lots of things I wouldn't necessarily choose because they make her happy, that I love her lots and try my best to do nice things for her. I ended up telling her that this behaviour isn't the girl I raised. She's now telling me that she won't ever forget that I said that. She doesn't care that she's really upset me and can only see any situation from her own perspective.
How can I get her to see another person's point of view?
At the moment anything I say no to results in strops. She's only happy if getting all her own way or if I'm spending money on her.
I know she's 13 and the hormones are all over the place, but I love her and miss how she was and I want to get that back.
I also want to raise a child who isn't selfish. Help!

Your not alone...
My dd 13.5 is a Bratt

A couple years ago she would do anything to make me happy, but now she couldn’t give a shiney shit.

Sorry should have said, I have no answer.

Sorry I don't have any advice but you definitely aren't alone. My youngest DD is 12 and a half and she is exactly the same. I've tried every approach and she doesn't care a bit when she upsets me. It breaks my heart and I'm embarrassed by her behaviour. Don't know what I did wrong as my eldest is the complete opposite. She had her moments during the teenage years but nothing like this.

It's comforting to know I'm not alone but I wish it was different for you too.
I hated having that conversation via text but she wouldn't come down and talk to me. She makes me feel so guilty for expecting some consideration. Am walking on eggshells a lot of the time because any time I ask her to do something, it's just so difficult.

My default for my teenage daughters (3 of them!) is if you want to behave like a 4 year old, I’ll treat you like one. Praise the good stuff, consequences for behaviour that is challenging or negative. Be consistent.

I'm struggling similarly OP. I really miss my eager-to-please little girl. I was pretty hurt recently when she refused to get changed out of some clothes she knows I don't like when we went out for my birthday. We used to be very close too, and now she barely spends any time in the same room as me. But - in the scheme of things I try to remind myself that she could be a lot worse, and pushing against us is normal teenage behaviour, it doesn't mean they're going to be selfish for ever. Based on things I've read on other threads, if they've had good foundations they will come back to us at some point - it just may be a painful few years off yet! I have found that if I talk about a situation later, once we've moved on from the heat of the moment, then my dd will, mostly, acknowledge that she was out of order.

Thank you. We've had a hug and decided to rent 'the witches' off sky, to retrieve the evening. She still doesn't really see why I was upset but hopefully she'll mull over some of what I said later.
I appreciate the support. Thanks all

I have no idea about teenagers but I've read on here before that you basically have to treat them like giant toddlers.

OP just out of interest, is your daughter an only child? I'm already struggling with my
6 yr old DD to get her to understand empathy and as it's just her at home I guess her and my husband make allowances for her which other kids won't...

She's not an only but she is the youngest. My older DC weren't like this - not saying they never had their stroppy moments but on the whole they were quite easy going kids. There is a big age gap so DD has been given lots of attention and spoiled (in a nice way) by all of us because we have tended to think of her as the baby.

So basically she's got used used to manipulation to get her own way? Big age gap can = babied = emotional immaturity and stroppiness.

My teenage dd is a dream.

well a fifty percent success rate is not bad eh?

just don't mention the first couple of years

she'll grow out of it, eventually.

OP, that is unfortunately the way it goes with some teenagers. All my dealings with DD are a minefield. Weirdly, DC1 was horrendous when he was a small child, but has been a dream teenager. DD was a dream small child. I still can't make the mental leap between her when she was 10 and her as she is now. She has Toddler Brain, but is 16.

FML.

Sorry OP no advice. My DD 15 1/2 is dreadful most of the time. It’s like permanently walking on egg shells. Nearly every time she opens her mouth its to shout at me, complain, swear, argue, take the mickey out of me etc.
As a child she was lovely, very cuddly, kind and affectionate etc. She is a nightmare now hardly spends any time at all with us is disrespectful, ungrateful and it feels like she has basically checked out of family life (spends 95% of her time at home in her bedroom) and can’t wait to leave home.

I wouldn't say she's manipulative. She's moody and sometimes you can't say anything without her taking it the wrong way and she definitely likes her own way but I don't think that's the same as manipulation.
In some ways she is very good - I can trust her to be where she says, she doesn't do things with her friends that she knows I wouldn't allow and she is very honest.
It's just trying to get her to see that her words/behaviour affect other people.

Isn't stroppiness and liking her own way manipulation though? She's trying to see how much she needs to do before you relent and give in. Maybe in the past she's worked out where your "lines" are, and like all terms is doing the same now. It's perfectly normal behaviour. Be calm, be consistent, have red lines and do no let the crossed.

You feel guilty for expecting some consideration, she is definitely manipulating you. It took me a long time to realise my DD did so, there was always a reason for her shit behaviour and I let her get away with it. It changed when I stopped getting sucked it and decided that I will no longer be on eggshells in my own home. When she’s in a shitty mood she keeps the mouth to herself.

First of all, stop having important discussions over text. That's what teenagers do, not a mother trying to discipline/educate their child. Second of all, it's time for serious consequences. This is not a democracy, you are her mother and she is the child. There needs to be consequences for disrespectful behaviour.

I always thought of manipulation as being something that people do deliberately - like when they know they are behaving badly and choose to do it anyway, while making you think it's because of you. DD genuinely doesn't seem to think that anything she is doing is unreasonable. She was very upset at being told that her behaviour wasn't the girl I raised and yet she cannot see what she did that led up to me saying that. I feel terrible because she was so upset about it and I didn't anticipate that she would take that quite to heart. She said it made her feel bad and that I've said the worst possible thing to her. All I was trying to do was make the point that she's been raised to know better. Which she has.
I don't know. Maybe I have been too soft and do e too much to be accommodating and now she doesn't appreciate any of that and can only focus on what she doesn't get.
Apparently all her friends are having sleepovers. I've not allowed it because we are in Wales and in lockdown.

I wasn't happy about the text conversation. She wouldn't come down and talk to me. At the time I thought I could explain what I was upset about maybe a bit clearer by writing it.

She wouldn't come down and talk to me

This shouldn't be an option for her without serious consequences. You are allowing her to rule the roost. When you tell your child to come speak to you, they had best get their arse in gear. Totally unacceptable behaviour and awful lack of respect.

Yes you are probably right. I can't see the wood for the trees, right now

If I had insisted, she would have come. She's argumentative but not outright disobedient. I should have insisted though, rather than letting her decide how that conversation went.

If she wouldn't come down and talk to you, why didn't you go up? That's what I'd have done. I don't agree with the previous poster about the child getting their arse in gear at all. If you make it into a power struggle, teenagers will keep pushing back.

OP, this might sound obvious, but did you tell your dd that you felt hurt and unappreciated when she wouldn't help you, or did you tell her that her behaviour was selfish and unkind? Because I think an honest expression of your own feelings can often prompt reflection and empathy in a teenager whereas a critique of their behaviour tends to produce a more defensive response because they feel under attack.

I find this approach works really well with my 15yo. She doesn't ever want to upset me, but occasionally she is too wrapped up in her own stuff to respond in the way that I might hope for. I find an open, honest and respectful discussion works wonders.

I have a 17 year old DD and the whole time she has been a teenager she has been a breeze. Never an ounce of trouble. Couldn't understand why everyone complained about the teenage years..That is until my now 12 year old DD went to bed one night and woke up a completely different child. For 2 years now she has been an absolute nightmare. Very well behaved in school but my days, at home shes like the exorcist. No matter what I do or how many heart to hearts we have it doesn't work but I told her I will not give in. She must understand respect, manners and consideration of others