When people on MN talk about co sleeping....

[PersicariaBistortaSuperba]

...what are they actually referring to? I had always thought it was sleeping in the same bed as your child, so sharing a mattress. However it seems it might be used to mean just sharing the same room to sleep.

@ohtobeaseahorse With my first I did actually share a bed (king size, no pillows or duvets near him, DH in spare room and me on edge of bed) after my attempts to use the Moses basket in the early days totally failed. As he was EBF it was easy to feed him and settle back to sleep, then roll across to my portion of the bed.

When I "confessed" this to HV and midwife, I was told firmly that this was not in line with safe sleep guidelines and I felt bad about it as a result.

I had a conversation with a friend around that time (which was about 3 years ago) and explained that as I didn't drink or take drugs I hoped the risk was minimal, but she disagreed vehemently and her response stayed with me.

This time around I'm successfully using a next to me crib, but see on MN that I probably wasn't alone in co sleeping anyway. I should add that it was a last resort, born out of desperation.

@junobug I agree!

Sharing a bed.

I know lots of people who did it though most would confess to it guiltily feeling like they somehow weren’t doing the ‘right’ thing.

I have very fond memories of being all snuggled up with my babies in bed.

The reason I asked was the result of a question from another mumsnetter about a baby napping upstairs in its crib, monitor on and being checked regularly, with mum and toddler downstairs. The almost unanimous response was that this was against safe sleep guidelines, which of course it is.

I was just contrasting this with the number of posters who have said that either they or someone they know have co slept at some point and thought I should check what they actually meant by that phrase.

I am clearly overthinking this in my sleep deprived state!

I bed share/cosleep. Have done so since dd birth but not by choice! I think she's trying to prevent us from making another sibling

There are safe sleeping guidelines for bed sharing though, OP. The whole practice is not frowned upon.

No pillows, duvet etc near baby. Baby next to mother at breast height etc. Mother not under influence.

I think it comes down to falling asleep accidentally with a baby being more dangerous than cosleeping.

Definitely bed sharing OP.

My eldest slept only on my chest for the first three weeks, then beside me in the crook of my arm until around three months. She generally started in her cot then came in for cuddles after waking and it was certainly a case of whatever got everyone the most sleep.

She still crept in when she could walk, regularly until she was 8.

And last night she came in with me. She's 11! She's been having nightmares recently and was upset, DH went into her bed instead.

Throughout all this DD2 was happier on her own, in her cot, then bed from birth! Which is lucky as we only have a double .

There have been many more cases of SIDS in cots than due to co-sleeping.
I imagine far more people co-sleep (at least some of the time) than we imagine.
It's very much the norm in many countries. Here in Italy I don't know anybody who didn't . Except it's not really talked about as a "thing" because it just happens.

I co slept for a year. My parents co slept with myself and my other 4
siblings (one at a time)for the first year.
It can be done safely. I can never understand mums who leave their babies in a separate room. I couldn't do it. But everyone is different.
Benefits were I could feed my baby quickly and easily as she comfort fed. I was on my own too so very tired.
I became very atuned to her breathing and sensed her waking even after she left my room and could hear her on the monitor.
I coslept with a divider down the bed and no duvets or pillows on her side. I think people imagine tucking them under a duvet which is obviously dangerous. I also never drank alcohol or took drugs which is also dangerous.
In other cultures co sleeping is the norm with far lower instances of SIDS.

The idea that every child has their own bed - let alone their own room - is not mainstream globally. Yet babies manage to survive.

If it is not for you, for whatever reason, that's fine, but the idea that it is intrinsically dangerous is quite weird.

@PersicariaBistortaSuperba I think that was my thread!

I dont want to get into a bunfight about sleep but I agree with you that there is what could look like double standards about safety on MN. My trust advises against cosleeping yet most on MN will say they do it (as do I btw this isnt a judgement thing) but yes people recoiled when I suggested putting my baby upstairs.

In reality most of my friends did it with their 2nd so they could spend some time with their toddler and baby got a rest. I suspect I will do this before 6 months even though it is not ideal practice.

In truth we all do things that arent optimum for safety. Driving too long too early (or diving at all really!), putting them in forward facing seats as toddlers, giving then formula when BF rates of SIDs is lower.

AFAIC it's all about risk assessment but as we know... MN can be very black and white!

Mumsnet I think you do what you have to. If you're baby won't sleep in a crib you cant stay awake indefinitely. Likewise if you have other children and your baby only sleeps somewhere dark and quiet you have to choose between them being awake all day or being left alone.

Not sure where the random mumsnet came from

Should have also added both my parents are medical professionals and co slept. And very risk averse!

I've seen people recoil at the thought of co sleeping but then let their babies sleep in car seats for prolonged periods and stuff them into car seats in huge padded pramsuits and coats! 🙄

Everyone should do what they feel is best for their baby.

@Sumlove

Should have also added both my parents are medical professionals and co slept. And very risk averse!

I've seen people recoil at the thought of co sleeping but then let their babies sleep in car seats for prolonged periods and stuff them into car seats in huge padded pramsuits and coats! 🙄

Everyone should do what they feel is best for their baby.

They probably wouldn't have had you if they hadn't!

@mrsmummy1111

It's really surprising me the amount of people on this thread saying "most people I know have co slept at some point" - from what I know, not a single solitary friend of mine has ever "co slept" - a few friends have allowed their baby in their bed when poorly and won't settle but that lasts a day or two and they're straight back in their own bed when they're better. In those cases I wouldn't say they considered themselves co sleepers. Unless they're lying then I truthfully don't know anyone IRL who regularly cosleeps but MN is full of people who do.

I can't think of anything worse.

What, worse than lying?

I think they are lying. I lied about it and so did others but that was forty years ago.

It means same bed to me and the only person I know who didn’t have/need/want to was an NCT witch who claimed she starting sleep training her baby and had a nap routine from birth She’d never heard of colic and thought holding babies spoiled them.

Even my friend with a bona fide good sleeper sticks her in her bed during regressions and illnesses.

I shared a bed til around 16 months when DD made clear she preferred her own cot in her own room; but she still comes into our bed when poorly. At different times she’s slept in my armpit, head in Snuzpod feet on me, in a sidecar crib, and between me and DP.

I’d still call it cosleeping and mean bed sharing with a sidecar crib because it’s all one big mattress and no barriers between you. If the cot is just in the room I’d call it “the baby’s still in our room”, or not have a name for it, since they’re meant to be there for minimum six months.

I was lucky with midwives and health visitors who all supported cosleeping. My day 3 midwife found me asleep in the bed with DD and didn’t give a hoot, just assisted in making sure the set-up was safe.

I don't think my sisters co-slept (as in bed sharing). We started out with a cot, but DS1 nearly broke us, so at about 2 months he came in with us and we never looked back - he was still sharing a room with us at 3! With DS2 we didn't even bother trying the cot, and he went in with his brother by the time he was 1 (they shared a double bed - super-handy as an occasional guest room that way).

It does mean that DS2, even at 7, doesn't want to sleep in a room alone (DS1 couldn't care less - but he's never been scared of the dark or anything), but on the other hand, it also means that if we go to a hotel or something, the kids have no problem sharing a bed together, which is handy.

We bed shared from birth, planned and intentional and still bed share now kids are nearly 4 and nearly 2. I kind of assume they’ll move into their own rooms one day, meanwhile it’s definitely a space saver and it actually feels odd to me the idea that kids would have their own beds.

I think it means in the same bed.

And I did it with one of mine, as DH was away for months. I think most of the safety guidelines are based on their being two adults already in the bed, not just mother and baby.

I never planned to co sleep but my second was a terrible sleeper and I was knackered and went for the path of least resistance which was to have him snuggled up to me where he would feed on and off without me having to do anything, like get up.

He’s now 7 and goes off to bed fine by himself and then at some point in the night he comes in and snuggles me (I don’t even wake when he comes in). Personally, to wake up with one of the people who who loves you most in the world next to you, sometimes with his little hand on my face, sometimes just snuggled into my neck makes me so happy and I treasure it every day. I know he won’t always do it but when I’m old and he’s grown up I shall absolutely treasure those sleepy cuddles with him.

@jessstan1 No, I can't think of anything worse than co sleeping.

From what I've read on here, which admittedly is my only experience of what co-sleeping is actually like, people have said they have either pretend to nap, or actually nap when their child naps otherwise they won't sleep, or at least lay in the bed with them. Then they go to bed at 7pm when the child goes to bed. Either that or they lay pillows all around the bed in case the child falls off?????? As the child won't sleep in the cot. Of course these are extremes, but this is a genuine question.

Of those of you that co sleep - does the child ever sleep in their own bed? So do you at least get some alone time when they're napping or when they first go to bed, and then they eventually end up in your bed? Or how does it work?

I truthfully can't imagine long term being able to sustain never having time away from my child, if I had to be with them 24hrs a day even when sleeping.

What do co-sleepers do if they have a night away from the child? Or do you just never have nights away without the child?

It's truly baffling and I'm sorry but I struggle to accept or believe that anyone would choose that path other than out of sheer necessity.

But of course this is MN where nobody would ever admit that they're doing it because they have no other choice. Most people would sit there and say "I love co sleeping" but I think the reality is very different.

As they get older you can attempt to sneak away for a bit. I didn't bother with nights away at this stage.

DS1 co-slept for aaages. From 18m-2yrs he could sleep with just DH (If I went away) or in DMs bed with her if we both went away.

DS2 happily sleeps in a cot in our room most of the time and only cosleeps if he's grumpy/teething