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Take a Break style story

70 replies

DryRoastPeanut · 29/10/2020 12:56

I’ll start, then can you please follow on.

It was a rare night out. Mum had offered to babysit and it was the first time I’d left twins Kylie and Krusty since their dad had left us.
As I applied my lipstick I sighed, was a late night and a hangover going to be worth my trouble? After all everyone at the local pub knew I was an unmarried mum. The Shellsuit and Perm was a great place and had been my teenage haunt up until I married Dodgy Dave 14 months ago.
Everyone said we were far too young, but at 17 we thought we knew it all.....

OP posts:
QueenCranberry · 29/10/2020 20:07

He was the handsome hunk from the fishmongers I used to go to for my gran when I was 14! I felt a familiar feeling in my tummy....

OH NO!! it was the after effects of the food poisoning that I got after drinking snakebite and black with my friend Tuscany-Rose as she consoled me after Phil had done the dirty on me with Cynthia. How would I explain my predicament to Craig?

willstarttomorrow · 29/10/2020 20:24

I stood in the doorway not sure what to do next but a freak gust of wind blew me onto Craig's manly chest. As I was sick down his checked shirt he held my hair and told me 'I remember your nan. She always bought the haddock off cuts for the cat'. As I looked onto his kind eyes I knew he was the one for me. He ordered 5 creamy curries to take out and headed home together to start our new life.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/10/2020 00:57

But when I showed my grab a picture of him, she gasped.

"He looks just like your Dad!!". I'd never met Dad, he'd run off when I was two after having an affair with the wife of the local fishmonger...

Acappella · 30/10/2020 05:52

@coronasharona

I've reported this thread. Nasty, lazy stereotyping.
What this thread is laughing at is the very specific style and vocabulary of stories in a particular type of magazine, not a demographic.
lepardprint · 30/10/2020 05:58

Just read the whole thread whilst on a night shift. Made me giggle!! Very entertaining and not at all offensive 🙄

EmbarrassedUser · 30/10/2020 15:15

As we scoffed our creamy curries, I began to notice more and more that he had the cutest dimple on his left cheek. Just like me. Our eyes locked and he murmured ‘I see it too’

rosegoldivy · 30/10/2020 17:27

(shamelessly following this to read later 😂)

ReallySpicyCurry · 30/10/2020 17:39

Awk fgs will Corona leave us alone if we made it posh? Jilly Cooper is just posh TAB after all. Fine, right, ok.

I stared at the Art Deco mirror with a worried frown. Was I getting wrinkles? No, I realised with relief. It was only the crack where Great Grandmother had thrown a martini glass at her fourth ex husband back in '59. 1859,that is. I looked scrawny, due to the diet of Moet, prescription drugs and dog hair, but Humphrey said he loved a slimmer woman. "Anything more than a handful is a waste," he'd smirk.

Sighing, I consoled myself with the thought that I padded down the stairs on the East Wing. Humphrey said he loved me, but when I looked at Astrid, our latest au pair, I realised how little care I took of myself anymore. Things would have to change, I told myself. Astrid was young and bubbly and she made Humphrey laugh. I hadn't seen him laugh properly since he threw a frozen turkey over a bridge after the May ball when we were pretending to study History of Art.

As I walked down the Long Gallery , I was suprised to see Astrid out of the window, walking over the Greek Terrace towards the folly- huh, I thought, she's meant to be picking up quail eggs at the farm shop. A moment later, our gamekeeper's battered old land rover drove up - but Humphrey was driving up. My suspicions mounting, I ran upstairs and grabbed the binoculars that Uncle Jonty had brought back from Borneo...

.... To be continued

ReallySpicyCurry · 30/10/2020 17:42

Humphrey was driving the battered old land rover, that should be- child currently climbing all over me Grin

Guardsman18 · 30/10/2020 17:53

I knew you were good at this @ReallySpicyCurry. Imagine what you could do without toddler!

LaMarschallin · 30/10/2020 18:57

@ReallySpicyCurry

My absolute sincere compliments.
I'm in awe Smile

Please take these Flowers now and this Wine* for once your offspring is in bed.

May they inspire you to further endeavours...

*Sorry it's just red wine - MN really need a Lambrini emoticon.

ReallySpicyCurry · 30/10/2020 21:12

Thank you, thank you, I'm here until Tuesday Grin

coronasharona · 30/10/2020 22:23

The thing is spicy that if you mock and ridicule people of priviledge, they still retain their priviledge. Do the same with disadvantaged groups and you compound their oppression.

ReallySpicyCurry · 30/10/2020 23:29

How incredibly rude to assume that everyone who submits a story to real life magazines is disadvantaged

coronasharona · 31/10/2020 09:59

Acapella I appreciate what you are saying about the style of writing but in order to create characters, posters have cut straight to markers of poverty, working class culture or lack of education, for example names of children, cardboard dressing table, holiday destinations, job types. The humour there isn't based on the writing style but on the people who are in the articles.
Spicy I would say that poverty is a disadvantage and that the payment offered for the stories is exploitative if the subjects really need that money. I think it would be safe to argue that this could well be a deciding factor for many participants.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/11/2020 09:03

You guys! Stopit stopit stopit I'm supposed to be working and now I'm clearly going to sit on this thread for ever!

"Humphrey threw the door of the land rover open and strode into the house with Astrid. But as I let out a sob, the gamekeeper George appeared in the doorway. His tanned skin was glowing and his chestnut hair had been tousled in the autumn wind. I had always been close to him as we had grown up together as children, sharing afternoon tickles on the haystacks in the stables......

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 02/11/2020 09:04

Corona is there saying this thread wants reporting, I was going to nominate it for classics Grin

yetanothernamitynamechange · 02/11/2020 12:57

I think the cardboard dressing table is a reference to the somwhat dubious Top-Tips purveyed in those magazines (see also san-pro flip-flops) than a class slur.

yetanothernamitynamechange · 02/11/2020 12:59

I demanded Humphrey tell me what was between him and Astrid. He threw back his head and laughed flashing his gleaming white teeth.

ReallySpicyCurry · 02/11/2020 20:22

"There's nothing. You're mad" he sneered, before flouncing away, biting the lid off a bottle of Daddy's best cognac. I couldn't believe how cruel he was being. Daddy had given us that cognac to save for our next anniversary. Now my husbands was going to pour it over our nanny's wazungas. Humphrey knew what that gift had meant to me, especially since Daddy had to beat a hasty retreat to a permaculture eco-hostel in Spain when his fifth wife found out about the thing with the yoga teacher.

Tears filled my eyes, but suddenly I saw something glinting at me from the corner of the room, right where they'd had to fill in the priest hole. It was George the gamekeeper's white teeth and cheeky chappie grin. Suddenly I had an idea- I'd get my own back on my cheating love rat hubby!

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