ExMIL is being emotionally abusive to DD, exH says there's nothing he can do

[Fressia123]

ExMIL has always been very difficult to deal with. We divorced a few years ago and we've both moved on. During lockdown we have our DD (10) a phone so she could communicate with both of us.

Well I checked her conversation with her grandmother and they're horrific. She takes screenshots of my FB comments on how it shows how much I don't love her. Keeps telling her that I'm a liar and generally just a bad mother. She also says she should stop pretending to look happy when she's with me as she knows she's miserable.
Whenever she gives her a present, she expects my DD to be OTT about thanking her, if she doesn't she starts going on (for days!) About how ungrateful she is and how it's all because of me. My poor DD has to apologise profusely (like she was talking to a judge) and then her grandmother finally forgives her. You can tell she's very distressed (I also found a conversation with her DFs GF where she tells her how upset she is). I find this completely unacceptable but I don't know how to help her.

I’d block the MIL’s number and then I’d call her explaining what I’d done and why her behaviour was completely unacceptable

How often does DD see xMIL? What does XDH say? If XDH won’t do anything I do think you need to step in here, although inevitably it’s going to cause a row. Can you block all calls to/from DDs phone other than you and xDH? Can you contact xMIL yourself, tell her that you know what she’s been saying/texting to DD and telling her to stop? Inevitably there will be fallout.

What a complete cow.

Block the number.

In fact, why havent you already blocked the number?

Absolutely horrendous behaviour, she is young enough for this to impact her future relationship for life.

I vote again to blocking the number and calling her to explain why. Explain to your DD that it is not her fault and that she’s been a victim of bullying by a grown adult. I’d also have a stern word with your ex that he is subjecting his child to abuse and that you will not tolerate it.

Oh poor girl, that’s uncomfortable reading.

I agree, if XDH won’t do anything I’d block her and ring her and tell her why.

You obviously can't stop your Ex from taking your DD to see your exMIL, but absolutely block her number on the phone, and if that doesn't work and she uses other numbers , then take the phone away.

You need to protect your daughter and safeguard her from this behaviour.

She has no legal right to have any contact with your child and she ruin your relationship with your daughter

Block the number, keep a very close eye on the mobile and don't let her have it alone in her room.

I'd also tell her to leave your daughter alone.

I'd also speak to your DD tell her she can talk to you any time she wants and that she should not let her grandmother bully her you are on your DD's side.

If this continues I would consider if you can take legal action against her. An adult would not have to put up with constant abuse and bullying why should a child.

@frazzledasarock suggesting her DD ‘should not let’ herself be bullied is a tad victim blaming.

Take screenshots of the conversation with your phone. Delete and block. Message your ex with screenshots and a short explanation that this is not an acceptable way for her to speak with your DD and so she has been blocked.

Leave it to your ex to explain to his mother.

Tell DD it is not her fault and some people are bitter and twisted. Show her you love her (I’m sure you do, but make a point of it).

Absolute witch. How dare she.

How is she getting screenshots from your social media? If you are ‘friends’ with exMIL then I suggest you block her and perhaps others who might send things to her. Or put them on limited view.
Make sure you keep copies of these messages, in case you ever need the evidence.

@StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff no actually it isn't. OP needs to make it utterly clear to her DD that she shouldn't put up and shut up. The entire sentence in my post should make that clear.

Women do allow ourselves to be bullied because we as women are conditioned to think we need to put up and shut up or smooth things over or keep the peace.

That's something every girl especially should be taught she does not have to do.

The MIL's vile behaviour is her own and nothing to do with OP's DD, DD should not be quietly suffering.

OP I'd also look into stopping contact with your ex altogether if he is unable to safeguard his child from his abusive mother.

Block MIL from seeing your social media, block her number from your daughter's phone.

Make sure you have a record of all MIL's conversations with your daughter, and then have a serious conversation with your ex.

What he CAN do is tell his mother she's to have no further contact with your daughter, either in person or by phone, because this is emotional abuse. If he's not prepared to do that (and he may well have had the same sort of abuse from his mother all his life, so I'm not underestimating how hard it is to go against an abusive parent - I'm in my 60s and still scared of my mother) then you might have to take advice. This absolutely can't go on.

What an absolute nasty spiteful bitch, I would absolutely block the number and would probably message her myself to tell her that she is blocked and why!

Just out of interest, what did your ex’s girlfriend say to your DD about it all?

I've downloaded the whole chat 860 pages! So I plan to print and highlight all the unacceptable content and hand it over to my exH.

He's adamant there's nothing he can do. He's been abused my his mother too so I get it.

I've blocked from SM and for now my DD doesn't have access to her phone while I think about the next steps.

She's being horrific. I'd block her number get ex to tell his mum and insist all communication now goes through you or your ex

His Gf said something like "she's stressed and passionate" but she also tried to comfort her and tell her that it wasn't nice to be treated that way.

Why are you punishing your DD for her grandmother's behaviour? You've taken away her phone because her grandmother is mean? I know that's not what you're trying to do, but that's what you are doing. Give her the phone back. Block the grandmother. Explain what you're doing to do DD and why (assume she'll be in favour of this plan if her grandmother is giving her a hard time?).

We took the phone away for other reasons (that have been dealt with).

My DD really loves her grandmother so it's hard for her to not be in touch.

It’s a good opportunity to teach her that sometimes people can be cruel and wrong, and even though she might love them they’re not acting in a loving way towards her.

Fuck me, I'd give the bitch one warning about harassment, and a single snide remark later I'd be giving every page of her appalling abuse to the police and asking them to deal with her.

Her son may not be able to stand up to her, but you can and so can the police.

I'm raging on behalf of your DD. Poor kid.

Totally agree this is the time to empower her so she knows to bring things like this to your attention because she's no doubt been told not to tell you, which is a key indication of abuse (control of the victim so they don't think they can get help).

Your exH was mistreated by his mum and now the both of you are allowing the same thing to happen to your daughter.

What the hell is wrong with you? So what if she loves her grandmother - this isn't how someone who loves her should treat her.

Of course I ve explained to her that even though her grandmother loves her it doesn't mean that the way she's even treated is right.
I think she probably haven't told me in the past to not hurt me/cause a war.

I don't know if I should just message the grandmother and tell what I really think. I'm trying to think about it in a calm way so I don't cause my DD any further harm.

Not being in touch might be hard. But being damaged this like by a spiteful witch is much worse. You’re her parents, she’s 10. I’m sure there are plenty of things she thinks she likes that you don’t let her do for her own good.