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Original poster

ExMIL is being emotionally abusive to DD, exH says there's nothing he can do

48 replies

Fressia123 · 29/10/2020 08:43

ExMIL has always been very difficult to deal with. We divorced a few years ago and we've both moved on. During lockdown we have our DD (10) a phone so she could communicate with both of us.

Well I checked her conversation with her grandmother and they're horrific. She takes screenshots of my FB comments on how it shows how much I don't love her. Keeps telling her that I'm a liar and generally just a bad mother. She also says she should stop pretending to look happy when she's with me as she knows she's miserable.
Whenever she gives her a present, she expects my DD to be OTT about thanking her, if she doesn't she starts going on (for days!) About how ungrateful she is and how it's all because of me. My poor DD has to apologise profusely (like she was talking to a judge) and then her grandmother finally forgives her. You can tell she's very distressed (I also found a conversation with her DFs GF where she tells her how upset she is). I find this completely unacceptable but I don't know how to help her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fressia123 · 29/10/2020 10:45

Of course @AnneLovesGilbert but the main problem is that my exH thinks it's "ok" or that nothing can be done about it.

Unless he actually agrees I think the only other option is going to court and even then I don't even know of it's possible.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2020 10:49

Then you’ve got a battle on your hands but one that’s worth fighting. She needs you to stick up for what’s best for her.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 29/10/2020 10:53

I know it's horrible and it can be very damaging for her and affect what she thinks it's a "healthy relationship" going forward.

OP posts:

DoesThisMakeSence · 29/10/2020 11:02

Could you phone childline/ nspcc and ask them for some advice. They may give you some advice on the rights you have as her dm and the steps you could put in place to protect her.
It so hard. My partner has a similar mother but he now see her behaviour as abuse and protects our children.

Until you ex opens his eyes, you are protecting your dd alone.

saraclara · 29/10/2020 11:12

@DoesThisMakeSence

Could you phone childline/ nspcc and ask them for some advice. They may give you some advice on the rights you have as her dm and the steps you could put in place to protect her. It so hard. My partner has a similar mother but he now see her behaviour as abuse and protects our children. Until you ex opens his eyes, you are protecting your dd alone.

I think calling one of these helplines is an excellent idea.

Audreyseyebrows · 29/10/2020 11:17

If her dad doesn’t protect her then she doesn’t see her dad either.

Blocking the number should be the first step.

I would also be rethinking a ten year old having a phone.

DC3Dakota · 29/10/2020 11:21

The problem with blocking is that as soon as DD goes to ExMILs house she will unblock herself!

saraclara · 29/10/2020 11:21

My Grandma used to say nasty things about my dad (the most mild-mannered and gentle of men). One day I flipped and said "I love my dad and I don't want to hear you say things like this again". My GM promptly burst into tears, but she never did it again.

I was in my early teens at that point. It might be too much to expect a ten year old to say, but you can at least tell her it's okay to say something like that.

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 29/10/2020 11:22

Could you message her and say you’ve seen the messages and you’ll be monitoring every single one going forward. Any whiff of past behaviour and you’ll be blocking her number.
At least then your daughter can still speak to her.
I don’t agree she should still have the privilege to contact your DD but at least that way you’ve put a shot across her bow?

growinggreyer · 29/10/2020 11:25

Get her another SIM card and she can change her number with her friends. Before she goes to her Dad's you can put back the old SIM card, (so that Gran never gets the new number) read and delete any horrible messages and then give her the phone back. I would text the Gran to say that you are confiscating her phone so there is no point in trying to contact her by text anymore.

DC3Dakota · 29/10/2020 11:43

@Audreyseyebrows

If her dad doesn’t protect her then she doesn’t see her dad either.

Blocking the number should be the first step.

I would also be rethinking a ten year old having a phone.

This. Her Dad is NOT safeguarding his daughter from abuse.

I'm just saying what I personally would do if it were my daughter once she gets to that age. I'd be stopping all contact with Dad and arranging for a mediation session for me & her Dad to sit down in front of the mediator (obviously!) and discuss my concerns and to come to an agreement as to how he is going to step in and prevent this from happening again.
That way, if he just shrugs and says "There's nothing I can do" then you have an independent witness to him essentially saying that he will not safeguard your child! Enabling you to prevent any further access.
If however, he does agree to step in then you have an independent witness to this!! So if he doesn't stick to it and doesn't prevent this abuse then he's straight back to mediation 👍🏻

Longwhiskers14 · 29/10/2020 12:23

The reason your DD loves her gran so much, as you put it, is because the woman is conditioning her to think she should or else, otherwise she'll be ignored or nasty things will be said to her. I don't know how you are stopping yourself from storming round to her house and having it out with the old bag! But obviously that's not the best thing to do. If your ex won't protect his child and stand up to his mum, you have to. Do you get one well with your ex's GF? She's aware of the situation and how toxic it is – maybe you could combine forces to persuade your ex to take action?

Original poster

Fressia123 · 29/10/2020 14:37

Im just waiting for an NSPCC call back.

OP posts:

DC3Dakota · 30/10/2020 01:34

@Fressia123

Im just waiting for an NSPCC call back.

Please keep us updated

Original poster

Fressia123 · 30/10/2020 11:30

They were great and said I have a case for social services and even the police. First I need to try to mediate with my exH but if that fails, they have my back.

OP posts:

Queenoftheashes · 30/10/2020 11:44

Wow. Hopefully NSPCC involvement will scare XH into action.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 30/10/2020 12:38

I just keep in mind, your ex might not be able to act because he will also have had years of this from his mother too.

Mokusspokus · 30/10/2020 12:58

Great well done op. Obviously make sure you have the evidence.

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/10/2020 13:10

You have a duty to protect your daughter.

TurquoiseDragon · 30/10/2020 13:11

Doesn't this count as parental alienation? It looks to me as if MIL is trying to groom DD into asking to go and live with her dad, with the examples given by OP.

Original poster

Fressia123 · 30/10/2020 13:15

Actually @TurquoiseDragon you do have a point (and I hadn't thought about it in that way). My DD mentioned that any idea of spending fewer days at mine always came from "granny".

@FallonCarringtonWannabe I believe that's the case, but NSPCC did point out that taking to my exH is the very first step.

OP posts:

DC3Dakota · 31/10/2020 18:22

How are things @Fressia123 How did the talk with your ex go?

lunar1 · 31/10/2020 18:30

I'm glad the NSPCC are on your side. Xmil sounds horrific!

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