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Original poster

Nasty 19 year old

27 replies

chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:08

DS is in his second year at uni and lives at home with me and DD.
He is SO nasty and disrespectful to me.
I have reasoned, I have shouted, I have been nasty back, I am ashamed to say... he is OK for a few days then back to nasty again.
I am so tired.
He is lazy in his studies but can be helpful at home.
It's just the constant disrepect, screaming at me when I go into his room, calling me a liar, saying I must be a disgrace in my job because I get angry with him.
I admit I get so angry with him. It's just constant nastiness. This will be the third month I am not giving him an allowance, and he is raging in his room. It's not right but the only thing I have is control over money. I have begged and pleaded, but he is still nasty.
Is this still part of being a teenager at 19? Have I created a monster?
We are not in the UK, so he can't work oe leave home.
I just feel so alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:11

I am not by nature an angry person. I just can't bear the constant disrespect. It feels like abuse.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 28/10/2020 23:15

It is not ok but can I ask a few questions? Why at 19 are u going into his room unless invited? Why can he not move out, I know you are not in the UK but why can he not rent a room somewhere?

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:16

His anger comes from what he sees as me interfering - telling him to study, basically.

I am a thief because I found a weed container in his pocket and he says it belongs to his friend. I refuse to give it back so I am a thief.

Rather than throw his hands up and admit it, he accuses me of stealing and spying and lying. It's awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:17

I call from outside to come in. I go in to talk to him.
Where we live it would be impossible to move out.

OP posts:
Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:19

Is it normal though?
I am afraid I have created an abusive man.

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Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:20

Surely this is the man he is now?
I am so terribly afraid this is how he is.

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 28/10/2020 23:20

Why are you giving him an allowance? Can't he get a part time job?

purplecorkheart · 28/10/2020 23:20

Honestly at 19 he is an adult. It is his choice if he studies or not. Perhaps it is time to take a step off, not easy I know.

Crinkle77 · 28/10/2020 23:21

Sorry have just seen that he can't work as you live abroad.

purplecorkheart · 28/10/2020 23:23

Why is it impossible for him to move out? Is it financial/visa/cost related or you do not want him to do so?

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:24

The country where we live is very poor. There are no jobs. He does tutor a few hours a week, which is a very limited income for him.

He failed most of his first year, so is repeating some subjects in his second.
I have said countless times that he can drop out, but he won't. He also knows that here without his degree he will be very limited.

OP posts:
Runningdownthathill · 28/10/2020 23:24

I’m sorry to say it sounds like your son may have mental health issues. You say he smokes weed. In some people , particularly men it causes mental health issues. He may be depressed . Is he happy at Uni?

In any case, it is certainly not okay for him to be treating you like this. Why are you giving him an allowance? Surely he can get a part time job?
Does he live with you during term time? If not, there must be ways he can stay in his uni accommodation in the holidays and work to pay the rent. How does he spend his days when he’s not at Uni?

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:24

He was born here, but this is a very poor country.

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Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:29

He lives with me all the time, here it is not common to move away for uni.
Yes I am worried about his mental health.
The weed young people smoke here is really bad, and producing various MH problems in young men.
When he was 15 he smoked some weed, and I hoped it was over. I don't think he smokes a lot, but who knows.

I know the teenage years don't suddenly end, but this level of disrespect can't be normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:31

I don't think he is depressed, but he does feel badly done to, and I know he exagerates how hard his life is to his friends. My father was very similar, although my son never knew him.

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Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:34

His allowance isn't a lot, just enough was travel and food. As uni is online at the moment, he hasn't really needed it.

When I was young we were quite poor. I remember this and don't want him to "suffer" like I did.

However I feel abused verbally and I don't think I can pay someone to be so nasty in my own home.

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Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:37

@Runningdownthathill
What did I say that makes you think he might have MH problems? I ask because I just don't think is normal.

I argued a fair bit with my mother when I was young, but never spoke to her like this.

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newnamenewposts · 28/10/2020 23:44

Op I could have written this myself except mine is 16. It's a terrible way to live with the abuse that I wouldn't taken from a partner. It's begun to affect my health but I cannot kick him out as he would have no where to go. I'm hoping we pass this phase very quickly.

Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:51

@newnamenewposts
I am so sorry.
Mine is 19! I didn't think it possible at this age.
You are exactly right. DD IS 13. I say to DS how would he feel if a man treated her how he treats me.

It's an abusive example and I worry about her.

I was recently diagnosed with MS and have spent a bit of time in bed, exhausted. When we argue he calls me lazy and stupid and a whiner. I start to cry because it's just awful and he says I am crying for attention. He is so cruel. I am afraid this is the man he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
chatnicknameyousuggested · 28/10/2020 23:58

I know that sounds pathetic; I know I am a grown woman. It's just the sheer lack of respect.
I say "I am not giving you your allowance next month" and he shouts "you will! Oh yes you will!" He is not a child. He is19.

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Dontjumptoconclusions · 28/10/2020 23:59

Don't put up with this OP. Some can say it's MH etc but sometimes it's just a kid being a bog standard dick who takes his mother for granted. This has probably been escalating for years.
My suggestion is to start treating him like an adult. Don't check on his studies, don't give him money, don't wash or iron or clean or cook for him. He needs to learn and appreciate the things you do for him. If he disrespects you, walk away and don't engage with him until there is an apology.
Does he have a father figure either a GP, DP or male friend? Sometimes a guy speaking to him on his level can help.

newnamenewposts · 28/10/2020 23:59

I'm sorry about your diagnosis OP, I have RA and increasing symptoms of other Autoimmune conditions developing. The only thing I can advise and have recently started practising self care. Look after YOU more and take care of your health. Do what you can for your kids but at this age they won't be grateful or thank you for it. It's difficult to sit back and watch them make a mess of their lives of listen to their rudeness but apparently it won't last for ever and they will need ya again when they get to the other side.
Do things for you and make yourself happy.

PopsicleHustler · 29/10/2020 00:23

1st of all , sort to hear you're living in a poor country. I hope things improve for you and the people of your country. Must be difficult for people who aren't doing so well.

1st of all , your son needs to drop smoking that bloody stuff.
2nd of all, you do have a right to go into his room, uninvited or otherwise.youre his mother. Doesnt matter. Hes still a teen living in your home and you are his parent.
3rd, I can never understand how kids can disrespect their parents. Especially the mother who gave birth to them.
In my religion, there is a phrase, heaven lays at your mother's feet.

He needs to start respecting you and showing respect to your daughter too. You need to lay down the law and be more firm and have a no nonsense attitude. Let him know you wont stand for it any longer and he is crazy if he thinks he will be getting any more allowance from you. By 18, I had left home and was working. I had a pretty crappy childhood and couldn't wait to leave but i had to stand on my own two feet. He needs to start respecting you and give you the love you deserve.
You sound like a good mum and sent the best for him. Tell him that also.

When you say they're no jobs? What do you mean? Is there not even small jobs like picking up rubbish or something?
Can his dad help him to ser what he is doing wrong or male relatives???

All the best.

DelphiniumBlue · 29/10/2020 00:45

I'm writing from the perspective of also being the mother of a 19 year old, I have older sons too.
Firstly, it is fine for you not to give him an allowance. You are providing food and a roof over his head and encouraging him to get an education.. who is paying for that, by the way?
Anyway, you say he earns money from tutoring, that will have to cover his other expenses, such as weed. He can't seriously expect you to be funding that.. but that's why he's kicking off, you've taken his weed and probably he's got no money for more. Of course he says it belonged to a friend, that's a standard excuse.
Don't bother going into his room. You can't make him study, by 19 he needs to be self motivated. If he doesn't study then he will have to bear the consequences. You constantly reminding him to do so isn't going to work, it's just going to sour relations. Be upfront with him though - if he's not going to study then he will need to do something else, and you can't keep funding him to do nothing.
He does sound quite immature, that's the sort of behaviour you'd expect from a younger teenager. It probably will improve, but if you can disengage it would give him more breathing space- he possibly feels a bit stifled and maybe a bit scared of the future? Are you really living somewhere with no prospects for him at all?
Is there anyone you can send him to stay with for a bit? I was sent to stay with my gran to keep me away from distractions while I got a set of important exams under my belt - it did work, I was much calmer there than that at home with mum - the old fashioned routine and expectations really helped, and I was politer to my gran than I was to my Mum tbh!
The bottom line is, though, that he's an adult and is learning that the world ( including you)doesn't owe him a living. If he's going to stay in your home, behaving in a civil fashion has to be part of the deal.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 29/10/2020 01:09

I agree with @Dontjumptoconclusions. Start treating him like an adult and let him deal with the consequences of not studying, not having an allowance when he’s so rude and no longer having his washing done/meals cooked for him.

I’ve explained to my DD (15) that if she chooses not to study and does poorly at school, she’ll have fewer choices when she leaves. Same for your DS- he either gets on with his degree or fails more classes and ends up with limited choices. It’s up to him.

I hope you’re not paying for his degree, I’d withdraw funding if my child wasn’t bothering to study.

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