I like this man at work, would this be mortifying? what would you do?

[user26499]

NC as maybe outing!

So I’ve been single a year and I was 33 yesterday. My last relationship ended horribly, he was abusive and it scared me away from relationships for a while. I really want to settle down though and have had therapy and in a better place. Anyway.....

I’ve been dating recently and not clicked with anyone. I had a call with a colleague from another office last week and had a total laugh, he was witty, on the same wavelength as me with the very few things we touched on making small talk on the call. He mentioned living alone in a later call (related to being along during covid so I’m not sure he was telling me he was single so much as making general chat!).

It turns out he is leaving the company next Tuesday to move somewhere else. I’d never spoken to him before as he works in our reading office and I’m in London but obviously it isn’t far. I’ve done some —stalking— digging and he is definitely single but he’s 29 so nearly four years younger.

I want to either swipe on his online profile (yes I have found it) or just maybe text his work number before he leaves. Is this is stupid idea? Firstly because of the fact that he is so much younger (I’m very much ready to settle down with someone right for me) and secondly because maybe he would think it totally crazy given we have just had two hour long phone calls at work about a project and haven’t even met!!

I realise I sound a bit whacky here but in general life I’m usually good at judging these things and I’m not someone who is deluded about there being a spark. However I have not socialised a lot the last few months and so I fear I may have got this wrong, he was most likely being nice and friendly and probably thinks I’m old anyway given he’s only 29?!

It’s annoying as I’ve not clicked with anyone despite going on a number of dates the last couple of months...just haven’t been into it!

What do you reckon? Would it be mortifying and knock my confidence to do this? I’ve also recently become quite aware of my age for the first time ever!

My attempt at a jokey strikeout failed there!

So he's on Tinder or somewhere? Then of course, swipe away! Say something casual about seeing him there and wanting to say hello. That's not much of an age difference.

Swipe on him!
If you were continuing to work together I'd be saying no, but this sounds perfect 😁

I don't think it would be mortifying. If he said no, and I'm sure he would just politely decline, what's mortifying about that? If it were me I'd say something like "I was thinking, we really had a good laugh the other day, would you like to grab a drink sometime". I asked a work colleague out in a similar circumstance and we are married now.

Definitely worth a message. Nothing to lose. People would never get together if nobody made the first move

Text him. Say you enjoyed talking to him and does he fancy meeting for a drink.

Not mortifying at all.

I suppose but I think the embarrassment part comes from the fact he will obviously know that I thought we had clicked if I contact him...and surely he would say something to me if he felt the same?

Also I know that I will feel even more on the shelf if he sees me as too old...which I think is why I’ve only just found him on tinder when I changed my setting to a bit younger. I know it will make me feel very old if he’s not swiping on that age so even if I swiped he might not see it if his setting are up to age 30.

Ask him! You have nothing to lose. If his online profile was hard to find, I'd message his number instead, you don't want to seem like a stalker.

I asked out a colleague a couple of days before he left. Didn't want to date someone I was working with, and then suddenly he was leaving and it was now or never. It led to a very nice relationship.

surely he would say something to me if he felt the same

Not necessity, he might be shy, or lacking confidence, or worried about the ethics of asking out a female colleague.

What would I say though? Should I just do it on the messaging thing on the work system?

I would worry if I text it then when his mobile is handed back to the office everyone would see the message!

*necessarily

A four year age difference in your late 20s and early 30s is irrelevant. I met DH when I was 26 and he was 31, didn't even cross my mind that it was a big difference.

Do you have an email Address for him? I'd be tempted to drop him an email saying you're sorry he is moving on and giving him your mobile number in case he fancies meeting for a drink sometime.

The age thing worries me a bit too!

emma that email would definitely be seen when he hands in his laptop etc. I’m not sure what to do, thinking about it swiping on his profile is probably not the best idea though

Why would he say something to you after two work calls where he has no idea what you look like? This isn't Gavin & Stacey!!

Just ask him out.

just message on the online dating thing something like "fancy meeting you here! How about a drink to celebrate your leaving?"

@user26499

emma that email would definitely be seen when he hands in his laptop etc. I’m not sure what to do, thinking about it swiping on his profile is probably not the best idea though

Presumably if he's interested he would forward the email to his personal account and delete it.

Dont swipe on his profile. That would make it obvious you're stalking!

What would you think if (in your worst case scenario and everyone found out) a female colleague asked out a male colleague?

I wouldn't think anything at all except good luck to her.

You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Nobody is going to bother reading all his old emails - his laptop will be wiped and given to someone new.

I like @EmmaGrundyForPM’s plan - casual and straightforward.

Good luck!

Say you've enjoyed working with him and suggest a farewell drink.

The age difference is irrelevant.

Well when I say worked on a project, we have had two hours of calls and that’s it. It’s not like we have a long standing working relationship. He will fully know what I’m getting at if I suggest a drink.

He will fully know what I’m getting at if I suggest a drink

That's the point! Then he can either respond positively or can ignore, or respond in a very non commital way. If you want to take this further then you need to do something.

My son in law is 7 years younger than my daughter. They met when he was 22. She felt a bit uncomfortable about the age gap initially, but now they're married and have been together 9 years.

Such a small age gap is irrelevant.

I think you are massively over thinking this. He's not your boss, you don't even work in the same office and in any case he's leaving the company.

Just Swipe!! Nothing ventured nothing gained....

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