I like this man at work, would this be mortifying? what would you do?

[user26499]

NC as maybe outing!

So I’ve been single a year and I was 33 yesterday. My last relationship ended horribly, he was abusive and it scared me away from relationships for a while. I really want to settle down though and have had therapy and in a better place. Anyway.....

I’ve been dating recently and not clicked with anyone. I had a call with a colleague from another office last week and had a total laugh, he was witty, on the same wavelength as me with the very few things we touched on making small talk on the call. He mentioned living alone in a later call (related to being along during covid so I’m not sure he was telling me he was single so much as making general chat!).

It turns out he is leaving the company next Tuesday to move somewhere else. I’d never spoken to him before as he works in our reading office and I’m in London but obviously it isn’t far. I’ve done some —stalking— digging and he is definitely single but he’s 29 so nearly four years younger.

I want to either swipe on his online profile (yes I have found it) or just maybe text his work number before he leaves. Is this is stupid idea? Firstly because of the fact that he is so much younger (I’m very much ready to settle down with someone right for me) and secondly because maybe he would think it totally crazy given we have just had two hour long phone calls at work about a project and haven’t even met!!

I realise I sound a bit whacky here but in general life I’m usually good at judging these things and I’m not someone who is deluded about there being a spark. However I have not socialised a lot the last few months and so I fear I may have got this wrong, he was most likely being nice and friendly and probably thinks I’m old anyway given he’s only 29?!

It’s annoying as I’ve not clicked with anyone despite going on a number of dates the last couple of months...just haven’t been into it!

What do you reckon? Would it be mortifying and knock my confidence to do this? I’ve also recently become quite aware of my age for the first time ever!

It's only 4 years??!

Ask him out or swipe him. Don't ask him out on your work email or mobile. Do it! Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

It's the ideal opportunity - he is in a different office but is leaving anyway - so if its a no it's not a big deal. Don't leave it until he's left and then be thinking what if...

Surely if you're cities apart the. It'll be very obvious that you've sought him out on Tinder, which let's be honest is a bit much. Be straightforward, ask him direct. If it doesn't happen then you never have to see him again. I really don't see an age gap, if it were the other way round I don't think you'd even mention it.

I agree you have nothing to lose. It would be more risky if he was not leaving but if he says no, you never have too see him again. Just a quick email to say you had heard he is leaving and wondered whether he fancied a drink before he goes.

Send him a message, through work or online dating and say something casual.

“Hey, it would be a shame if you left Acme Co. without us enjoying a coffee/wine together. You’re such a cool, fun guy and I know I’ll regret if if I didn’t ask you out. So... wanna meet up?”

If he’s gay or secretly married or in to 600lb gals, it doesn’t matter, you’ll squirm a little but at least you’ll have given it your best.
Life is for living. All the best.

@HaleNo

Say you've enjoyed working with him and suggest a farewell drink.

The age difference is irrelevant.

This is the best suggestion. It will be clear on the subtext that it's a date (unless he's very dense, sometimes people are surprisingly so about such things). But it's completely deniable that it was a date if it goes badly, or if someone else reads the message. Hopefully a connection will blossom at the pub.

Oh ps, at 33 you’re in the very prime of your life.

That's barely an age gap, stop being so ridiculous.

You can either take a chance and go for it, if he says no, so what, you won't see him, or it may lead somewhere. Or you can leave it and sit and mope about a potential missed opportunity.

Don't assume he would ask you out. Men don't always do the asking and why should they.

I know it's probably a very old fashioned suggestion, but how about you call him?

I wouldn't 'swipe' because he might not see it.

I would text or email but leaving a trail doesn't bother me, but it seems to bother you, so why not ring. You don't need to say anything other than 'I was just wondering if you fancied meeting up for a drink before you escape x company?'

Teading is easy to get to from london & plenty of places near the station to go fir a drink 🍹🍺

Nothing to lose!

Don't text his work number. Swipe his dating profile & send a message along the lines of what PegasusReturns said. You're not working together any more so he can only say no or ignore you. No awkwardness there!

My DP is 7 years younger and I met him at 31, I thought he’d think I was ancient (haha) but four years on he still thinks I’m sexy AF. Plus he’s a great partner, if a little too ‘verile’ . Thirties is not old. Look to Beyoncé.

I second calling him.

@user26499

I suppose but I think the embarrassment part comes from the fact he will obviously know that I thought we had clicked if I contact him...and surely he would say something to me if he felt the same?

Also I know that I will feel even more on the shelf if he sees me as too old...which I think is why I’ve only just found him on tinder when I changed my setting to a bit younger. I know it will make me feel very old if he’s not swiping on that age so even if I swiped he might not see it if his setting are up to age 30.

We are men and the majority of us have no idea what women think of us. Unless we are given signs we or things get more flirty we don’t notice, or misinterpret.

You have little to lose, it should be quite obvious if you suggest a drink before he leaves, but nothing ventured nothing gained.
A compromise is to speak with him before he leaves and mention keeping in touch and ask if he’s on Facebook etc. That will give you an avenue to move on later if he doesn’t take the hint.

Also 29 is prime dating age for a guy, I have done extensive research on this topic

just swipe. You've got nothing to lose!

If he's on tinder that would put me off him tbh. But maybe that's because I'm a bit older. Having said that I did meet my husband on eharmony so what do i know! Yes, just drop him a text by the weekend on his work number. But what to say?! How exciting...

Oh, and that age gap is nothing! Don't give it a thought!

I think that your desire to want to settle down might hinder you. Do what you feel is right but to go begin a (potential or actual) date with the expectations that you will settle down with the person puts so much pressure on you to make it perfect so the man feels the same way.

Go for it! I messaged someone who I knew socially back in September after we got chatting at a friend's garden party. I basically said how much I had enjoyed the party and our chat, and asked if he would like to go for a coffee some time. He got straight back to me and said that he had been just about to message me to say the same thing! We met up for coffee and are now in a relationship! It turned out he had liked me for ages but had not managed to get the chance to ask me out. And he is 6 years younger than me! I was a bit nervous about telling him how old I am but he is relaxed about the age difference so it is not a problem.

The age gap is nothing. He may have done nothing if interested because in a work context he may feel it somehow wrong, or think it was harassing you.