My DD is the favourite

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

So my I have 2 siblings who both have 2 kids each, and I just have the one DD. They live 135 miles away from me and my parents (seperated). So my DD is a lot closer to her grandparents especially my dad. She is quite clearly the "favourite" he never misses a birthday or Christmas. However, he will occasionally send a late card or not send a present/money at all for my nieces and nephews. My mom never ever misses any of their birthdays or christmas and neither do I, i make A LOT of effort even though they make minimal back. Thats fine, I do it purely because how much I love and miss my nieces and nephews. I love my siblings dearly too we speak almost every day!
Here's my problem, they take it out on me the fact my dad doesnt really make the same amount of effort with their kids like he does with my DD. I know it must feel really shitty for them, I understand but it's not my fault. I do my part, I remind my dad every of every single birthday, offer to get gifts and post them but he always says he will send cash and forget even though I constantly remind him. Every single Christmas I go out shopping for their 4 kids on behalf of my dad, gift wrap and bag everything. But it's not good enough, because no matter what dad does its never enough. My one sibling ALWAYS messages me asking how much my DD got on birthdays/xmas so he can compare. I feel horrible, I really am trying my best to include them and push my dad into stop being so naughty. I spoil both my parents, I adore them and I feel as if they give my daughter more because of this? I make a lot more effort than my siblings, which again I understand is easier as I am the one around them. They too dont send my dad cards or gifts, my eldest sibling doesnt even send my mom a card. It's all to much and I'm sick of getting the blame even though I try to be the peacemaker and make sure no one is left out. I'd feel the same as them, it must feel horrible, but they never tell our dad its always me who get s it. It really bothers me I love my family so much and I look after everybody. I'll never stop trying to make this right, I just really needed to get this off my chest as yet again the issue has been brought up again today. (

Stop buying on your dads behalf for a start.

I also wouldn't be facilitating any conversation that allows your siblings, to moan or compare or take stuff out on tou. So when they ask what your dad gave your dad, fob them off, say you cant remember or ask dad not me, then your dad can do the justifying not you.

My mum does similar but wants to know what other people have bought my dc. I never tell her, because it's just nosiness on her part and a way of making her feel like the "best" grandparent if she thinks it better than what other GPs had given.

You're (unintentionally) basically fuelling your siblings hurt and jealousy by telling them. Shut down every request with "take it up with dad"....

I dont think your dd should miss out by having nothing or just cash because they can't deal with their jealousy. Even that situation won't assuage their feelings either I'm sure.

Both your siblings and DP are at fault here. Step away.

Their dynamic does not need to include you. Personally I wouldn't tell your DP not to buy for your dd , it isn't her fault either.

Just a couple of things. Recognise it for what it is ...its not your df "being naughty" it's quite an unpleasant thing to do as is your siblings ringing to compare amounts (that's really wrong and I would no be telling the)

My dn are very much my DP favourites. However much I dislike my dsis for many many other reasons I don't at all hold it against her. It's my DP playing silly games. Nothing would make me treat a child differently, there is no excuse. My dsis is batshit but on this she actually wouldn't ever see my DC treated badly in the slightest. She would be angry if she knew the half of it.

I would be refusing to discuss it with any of them though. When they ring and ask about what your dd has recieved I would telling them to grow up and deal with their df themselves and not get me involved. I'd remind them you do not encourage the behaviour but nor are you going to encourage by listing the gifts/ money whatever (I mean seriously why are you telling them? If my dsis asked me this I would ask what on earth it had to do with her )

Step away and just let them sort it out , or not but just stay well out of it.

Yes I agree with both of you. I should of said that I never tell them what she gets, i play it down. Last year his DD got more then mine and I can't even begin to explain what a relief it was! My dad wont go out and buy things for my DD he asks what she wants and then says can you get it and I'll give you the money. Which I do, but as I've said I do it every Christmas for the others and offer on every birthday. He will ask them and they say "nothing dad they dont need anything" I'm actually understanding how stupid it all sounds now. I'm taking a massive step back now I needed the wake up call of others opinions.

Then they’re setting him up to fail so they can have a go at you. A lot of this seems to be about their jealousy of you. You need to disengage...

This is why we have to hide the fact she sees my DD because shes scared of what he will say.
This is ridiculous, that you are both pandering to your DB, he sounds like a complete arse. What age is he?
They never visit your dad but get a gift albeit possibly not as lavish as your DDs, what do these want? For him to send big gifts and still shun him?
Your DBs sound awful people.

My cousin has three children. I confess I have a favourite, and always have had. I have strived always to treat them equally throughout, and hope I have achieved this. Reading this thread has saddened me and I hope somehow in the future the relationships can be repaired.

@SBTLove hes 35! It's not that my daughter gets lavish gifts, its that she always has a gift every birthday and Christmas. However when dad does buy for the others it's the same value, but he will still call. My brother called after his DD birthday this year (which is 8 weeks after my DD birthday) and said hes DD only received £25 from dad so what did your DD get? I said a packet of playdough which cost £18 why?!!!!! I do pander to him because he has a way of making me feel so uncomfortable. Its pathetic really.

OP,

You sound like a doormat to your brother's that are using you as an emotional punching bag.

Stop it.

Pull away.

It is not your job to be family fixer/justifier.

You have set yourself up in this position ofdefending yourself and running around after them.

Step away.

You need to stop being a doormat and have some self respect.

Their relationship with your father is not your problem.

Cut them off.
Refuse to answer their questions.
Tell them it is NO LONGER up for discussion.
Tell them "this is not my responsibility".

You are the only one who can change this....by refusing to be involved.

If this was happening in my family I would fully expect my bro to stand up for my dc to our parent. Favouritism is so hurtful and damaging. Of course the parents of the dc who are being treated as less are angry about it, I would be too.

Interesting that your parents both ignore problems as much as possible, and want everything to just be fine... and now you're doing exactly the same thing.

There may have been slight difference that you never noticed, it may be that he worked so hard to avoid playing favourites that they now expect to be as engaged and full on as he was when they were children.

Whatever the answer, your younger brother behaving the way he does is a result of how your parents behaved towards him, and how he chooses to be an adult.

You can't do anything about either of those things.

It could even be as general as him being the youngest, and then you came along, his blood relative, a girl/ different gender, and as a child he got horribly jealous, and it's never been addressed/ he's never felt reassured/ your parents have never pulled him up on his behaviour to you.

Would it make it better if I said you were making it worse for everyone else? Because at the moment you seem to have zero sense of self preservation, and will put up with anything. Maybe if you could think of how much easier your children and owners will find everything/ their relationship with you, you would stop getting involved.

Owners - parents!

@lborgia I dont understand how I stop being involved when I'm the one receiving texts and calls constantly regarding this situation? I am involved. I'm not making myself involved. I don't agree that I'm making it worse at all, it would be worse if I wasn't going out doing my dads shopping and sending the gifts? Then there would he hell too pay, in all honesty I'm very confused by things that you have said.

You are making it worse because you sustain the problem - you have somehow taken on the role of 'family fixer' but it is actually more of a 'family emotional dumping ground'.

You don't have a problem with the siblings and you don't have a problem with your dad. So they have dragged you into their mess, got you doing all their running around and errands, phoning you up with their stress, making you worried about having to continually smooth out relationships.

When in reality, you should be no part of this at all. The adult siblings should be negotiating this with their parents as adults, then deciding what sort of a relationship they want to have going forward.

None of them want to do this because they have something invested in avoiding the conflict, making you miserable because they are and keeping it going for as long as possible. So they keep triangulating with you.

Redirect everything back to your mum and dad. Be clear that you have your own relationship with them, it's obvs going to be different as you live round the corner but your siblings need to sort their own shit out. You are not the United Nations Peace Negotiator.

I wasn't clear enough, what I meant was that you won't disengage for your own sake, so maybe work on the idea that it might help others, just to stop yourself from taking all the blame.

When you say there'll be hell to pay, by who, from who?

Have you heard of the concept of going Low or No Contact with one or more family members?

It's a relatively new concept, but there can be a point at which they are just bullying you, making your life miserable, and nothing you do will ever change that.

It seems you're SO stuck in the middle you cannot imagine life without your brothers. Do you have any nice chats with them, any lovely days together? If all they bring is misery, why stay in touch?

At the least, when they text or call, just leave it. Send the odd text about general things, general good wishes. Consider just not getting drawn in.

If your Dad has managed it as a way of saving his feelings, why can't you?

I'm sorry that you are being treated so badly, it does seem that you don't think you've any choice.

And really, all the running around trying to make everyone feel better... it's not working, so save yourself some pain.

Or what Anna said!

@MonicaBelulaGellar

Thanks all for being so nice with you replys!

Yes you guessed right I am the only daughter, I'm the youngest also and me and my DD lived with my dad for a year also. He loves her like a daughter, still no excuse.

Well... your dad doesn’t actually do anything, eh?
No not really but I mean even when he does send gifts I still get a call moaning about the amount he spent "how much did your DD get from dad because my DD only got this much"

They are terrible at making effort back and I think this is what's its dwindled into and I'm piggy in the middle. My dad gave my eldest DB a career and taught him a skill that now earns him a good wage and has never recieved a thank you (long backstory that might be too outing). When they both come home to visit, they will only visit my mom and not him.

This year I've actually said to my dad "please just send DGC a gift and a card because I can't cope with the stress or blame anymore" and explained what's been said over the year. He promised he would transfer over some money and send a card, then the card was sent to the wrong address and 2 weeks after my DN birthday I heard him say that he still needs to send over some money for him! Oh i just give up.

I take it they don’t have much of a relationship with your dad, don’t call him often etc. It feels to me that they want him to prove they are loved the same but not make any effort.

They used to, my eldest DB worked with him for a long time and it broke my dads heart when he moved away. They expect my dad to do all the running, with nothing in return. My dad unfortunately had Covid a few months back, i told them both and I was shocked at there response. Basically why should they care? And didnt call him or even text. I lost it with the both of them that night. You see they arent biologically my dads, he met my mom when she was a single mother with nothing. He worked day and night to provide a home and food for them, he gave them everything.

Sorry for the long reply/rant. I just get very frustrated!

You sound like a very fair person that understands give as well as take. Your 'Oh I just give up' is promising .... as many PPs have said that's exactly what you need to do. Every time they moan. 'Take it up with Dad', like a stuck record.

"can you move I just want full blood in this picture"

Wtf did I just read?!

@AnnaMagnani

You are making it worse because you sustain the problem - you have somehow taken on the role of 'family fixer' but it is actually more of a 'family emotional dumping ground'.

You don't have a problem with the siblings and you don't have a problem with your dad. So they have dragged you into their mess, got you doing all their running around and errands, phoning you up with their stress, making you worried about having to continually smooth out relationships.

When in reality, you should be no part of this at all. The adult siblings should be negotiating this with their parents as adults, then deciding what sort of a relationship they want to have going forward.

None of them want to do this because they have something invested in avoiding the conflict, making you miserable because they are and keeping it going for as long as possible. So they keep triangulating with you.

Redirect everything back to your mum and dad. Be clear that you have your own relationship with them, it's obvs going to be different as you live round the corner but your siblings need to sort their own shit out. You are not the United Nations Peace Negotiator.

I needed to head this thank you for that. That last sentence did make me LOL!

@lborgia

I wasn't clear enough, what I meant was that you won't disengage for your own sake, so maybe work on the idea that it might help others, just to stop yourself from taking all the blame.

When you say there'll be hell to pay, by who, from who?

Have you heard of the concept of going Low or No Contact with one or more family members?

It's a relatively new concept, but there can be a point at which they are just bullying you, making your life miserable, and nothing you do will ever change that.

It seems you're SO stuck in the middle you cannot imagine life without your brothers. Do you have any nice chats with them, any lovely days together? If all they bring is misery, why stay in touch?

At the least, when they text or call, just leave it. Send the odd text about general things, general good wishes. Consider just not getting drawn in.

If your Dad has managed it as a way of saving his feelings, why can't you?

I'm sorry that you are being treated so badly, it does seem that you don't think you've any choice.

And really, all the running around trying to make everyone feel better... it's not working, so save yourself some pain.

Sorry it isn't you it's me, I'm not very good at interpreting what people mean sometimes.

I did go no contact with the younger one for a while after he was very very nasty towards me but after a while he apologised and we fell back into the same routine. Hes always do moody, and snappy my mom says its because of his job (she makes a lot of excuses for him always has). My DM also puts a lot of pressure on me to stay in contact with them. This is how I feel just under so much pressure when in reality no one bothers with me.

Your right it's not working x

@FlyNow

"can you move I just want full blood in this picture"

Wtf did I just read?!

Yes my DB can be quite mean, this was 5 year ago and still hurts me to this day.