My DD is the favourite

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

So my I have 2 siblings who both have 2 kids each, and I just have the one DD. They live 135 miles away from me and my parents (seperated). So my DD is a lot closer to her grandparents especially my dad. She is quite clearly the "favourite" he never misses a birthday or Christmas. However, he will occasionally send a late card or not send a present/money at all for my nieces and nephews. My mom never ever misses any of their birthdays or christmas and neither do I, i make A LOT of effort even though they make minimal back. Thats fine, I do it purely because how much I love and miss my nieces and nephews. I love my siblings dearly too we speak almost every day!
Here's my problem, they take it out on me the fact my dad doesnt really make the same amount of effort with their kids like he does with my DD. I know it must feel really shitty for them, I understand but it's not my fault. I do my part, I remind my dad every of every single birthday, offer to get gifts and post them but he always says he will send cash and forget even though I constantly remind him. Every single Christmas I go out shopping for their 4 kids on behalf of my dad, gift wrap and bag everything. But it's not good enough, because no matter what dad does its never enough. My one sibling ALWAYS messages me asking how much my DD got on birthdays/xmas so he can compare. I feel horrible, I really am trying my best to include them and push my dad into stop being so naughty. I spoil both my parents, I adore them and I feel as if they give my daughter more because of this? I make a lot more effort than my siblings, which again I understand is easier as I am the one around them. They too dont send my dad cards or gifts, my eldest sibling doesnt even send my mom a card. It's all to much and I'm sick of getting the blame even though I try to be the peacemaker and make sure no one is left out. I'd feel the same as them, it must feel horrible, but they never tell our dad its always me who get s it. It really bothers me I love my family so much and I look after everybody. I'll never stop trying to make this right, I just really needed to get this off my chest as yet again the issue has been brought up again today. (

[Frdd]

I lost it with the both of them that night. You see they arent biologically my dads, he met my mom when she was a single mother with nothing. He worked day and night to provide a home and food for them, he gave them everything.

That’s the subtext if that statement.

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

You have completely misunderstood me. I never meant it in any way that you are implying. So lets move on. Thank you

[Scarydinosaurs]

The brothers are at fault here: every complaint needs to have a bland response.

They need to rebuild their relationship with their dad. Gifts aren’t really the issue- love is. And gifts won’t solve it either.

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

@Scarydinosaurs you have hit the nail on the head! Thank you for helping me see the situation more clearly.

[HazelWong]

It's their relationship. You need to stop playing go between.

Also - their perception of their childhood may be very different from yours. You seem very certain that yours is 100% ,objectively the truth but everyone in the family will see things differently. I can guarantee it that they don't think it is a coincidence that your dad treats his biological child and grandchild differently

[Frdd]

Exactly what @HazelWong says.

Your dad is treating his bio child and grandchild differently. I’m certain your brothers will see that as part of it.

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

@HazelWong i play go between because it's me they both constantly come to. I don't want either party feeling hurt thats just who I am. I needed a vent.
Yes I could write yet another long reply telling you all the ins and outs. He was an amazing dad to the 3 of us even after my mom left him he still continued being an amazing dad paying child support for the 3 of us. He never had me without them he never brought me without them etc. My memories are very clear and last year surprisingly my brother said "hes always been the best dad ever". As my dad had made a comment to me that they dont treat him the same as my mom because he isnt there biological dad, I raised this with my brother. So to be honest it's the other way round.
I see the situation more clearly now. Thanks all.

[NoSquirrels]

It’s not just about the gifts it seems to be we can do no right me or my DD

You’re probably right, sadly - sounds as if they think you’ve always been favoured and it’s probably a childhood and lifetime’s worth of hurts.

Still - not your problem. Be really clear with your brothers you won’t discuss anything to do with what your father or mother give you or your child, either as a present or as childcare. Remind them if you want that they can bring it up with your father or mother but that it’s nothing to do with you.

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

@Frdd

Exactly what *@HazelWong* says.

Your dad is treating his bio child and grandchild differently. I’m certain your brothers will see that as part of it.

This isnt what he is doing. He never has, my dad is the most selfless man you could meet. They stopped bothering with him, then he started doing the same and no its turned into this viscous cycle.

[Tappering]

Stop doing the shopping for your Dad.

When your brothers call and demand to know what your DD has had, tell them you refuse to be dragged into the middle of this anymore, and that they need to sort it out with Dad directly.

You and your Mum need to stop hiding the fact that she helps with the children. If your brothers don't like it, then they need to discuss it with her. But if I were your Mum I'd be pointing out that they live far away, and if they think that she should spend no time with your child simply because they aren't nearer, then that's pretty pathetic really. And if they feel that strongly about it then why not sell up and move back closer?

[NoSquirrels]

i play go between because it's me they both constantly come to. I don't want either party feeling hurt thats just who I am.

You just need to tell them all you won’t do that role any more because it’s upsetting you. Their relationships are not your problem.

[Frdd]

At this point, he is.

Your brothers perception is half of it. And You will never know exactly how they feel because you’re the bio child.

My brother sees our family relationships differently to me. He has a very different perception. He doesn’t think mine is valid so I don’t discuss it with him.



Either way, it’s not for you to sort out. It’s between the three adult men to sort.

[HazelWong]

What do you think would happen if you stopped bothering with him? Something tells me he wouldn't just shrug and accept it and sporadically send money when reminded.

And, to some extent, that's ok, he is their step dad and he doesn't feel the same way about them, their relationship is their own to work out.

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

@Frdd

At this point, he is.

Your brothers perception is half of it. And You will never know exactly how they feel because you’re the bio child.

My brother sees our family relationships differently to me. He has a very different perception. He doesn’t think mine is valid so I don’t discuss it with him.

Either way, it’s not for you to sort out. It’s between the three adult men to sort.

I think then he may be doing it because of how they have treated him. I could go on and on about the wonderful childhood he gave us and everything he sacrificed. I dont want to put more of my life story on here lol. I remember when my first nephew was born I was besotted! I even brought a new car just so I could make the journey to see him as much as possible. I was there visiting with my other brother and my mom was taking pictures of us when my brother turned around to me and said "can you move I just want full blood in this picture" that broke my heart. It's not just dad. Its them also.

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

I think then he may be doing it because of how they have treated him. I could go on and on about the wonderful childhood he gave us and everything he sacrificed. I dont want to put more of my life story on here lol. I remember when my first nephew was born I was besotted! I even brought a new car just so I could make the journey to see him as much as possible. I was there visiting with my other brother and my mom was taking pictures of us when my brother turned around to me and said "can you move I just want full blood in this picture" that broke my heart. It's not just dad. Its them also.

The difference is @HazelWong I would never stop bothering with him.

[Frdd]

So given your brother said that, why are you surprised they don’t bother?

Your brothers are entitled to their feelings and they are likely to have a different perception to you.

I’m sorry you’re hurt by it but you can’t force a relationship on other people that they don’t want.

[BlueJava]

I can see that's hard for you, but personally I think you should keep the relationship with you dad and your DC, especially as you are geographically closer. I'd also do the shopping if he requested, I don't see that as a big deal.

To me the issue seems to be your siblings. It's not down to you what your dad does or doesn't do. If they are that unhappy they need to take it up with them. However, if they asked me what my DC had had to compare it I'd start replying "I'm sorry this caused an upset last time, I've decided that topic's off limits now" or "I can't control what dad does or doesn't do, so you'll have to take that up with him".

A lot of this is about keeping in touch - one of the great aunts on my partner's side has stayed in touch with me and our DCs for years and has always sent our DCs a small gift for Xmas/birthdays. I know she doesn't do this for others in the family. But I have tried to stay in touch as I know she is lonely, so will send a postcard or letter or a little something nice to her. I just don't mention it to anyone else!

[yikesanotherbooboo]

This is really unfair of your siblings. Your father isn't being great but it is really not important enough for siblings to squabble over. If you take responsibility for his shortcomings you are putting yourself in the position to be blamed. I also think that measuring up who got what should have ended at the counting ' who got the most chips' stage it is undignified and disrespectful. Try to ease yourself out of this by telling them that it is upsetting you.

[Anydreamwilldo12]

Your brothers are all me me me. Sounds like your Dad was a brilliant step father to them when they were growing up and now they just want him for what they can get out of him. They don't even bother with your child's birthdays even though you seem to spoil theirs. They sound horrible selfish gits
They don't bother keeping in touch with him and disgracefully weren't even concerned when he had Covid. They are selfish men who expect you....the woman....to facilitate your Dad in continuing to spend money on them and their kids whilst obviously not giving a shit about him.
Just tell them you are not getting involved any more and if they have any questions about your Dad to ask him themselves

[NoSquirrels]

If you know your brother has that attitude then it’s no surprise, any of this, is it?

Refuse to discuss it with any of them. If your brothers stop bothering with you too, then you’ll have a clear message about how they see their relationship with you.

I’m sure your dad was a great dad to them - you don’t need to defend him. But they’re all adults now. Leave them to it. They’re all using you when it’s nothing to do with you.

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

@NoSquirrels totally understand what your saying. I know I'm surprised at this behaviour and I dont know why? The younger one out the two has been quite mean to me over the years and I let it go because I bloody hate bad feelings.

It's not that I'm defending my dad because truthfully I came on here quite annoyed with him! I just now the situation more clearly then I did and now see it's both partys!

Thanks for your input Its really helped!

[Whocutdownthecherrytree]

it Sounds like he is more involved because your DD is close by, it’s easy. Distance makes things harder.
Secondly, you and your siblings need to all grow up and realise that you have individual relationships with each of your parents. Comparing and measuring the value of effort/presents to grandchildren is beyond childish

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

@Whocutdownthecherrytree can I ask why I need to grow up? I'm not comparing anything ?

[Longtalljosie]

my brother turned around to me and said "can you move I just want full blood in this picture" that broke my heart.

Bloody hell. You might have to just accept that your brother is a total twat. What did your mum say to that? Refused to pose for the picture, I would hope...

[MonicaBelulaGellar]

@Longtalljosie she didnt say anything. No one does and ever will. I brought it up after and was told I took it to heart and move on. I don't see how I could take it any other way? This is why we have to hide the fact she sees my DD because shes scared of what he will say.