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Can’t stop thinking about third baby

54 replies

to3ornotto3 · 19/10/2020 20:45

Regular poster, have NCed

Yes, it’s yet another thread about having a third baby. Life is so simple with 2 - we have DD 3.7 and DS 1.7. Both are super little human beings. We are coming out of the baby stage - DS has mysteriously decided to potty train himself (!) and we are nappy free, both are sleeping through the night etc. I have a fairly full on career and feel like I’m coming out of the thick end of 4 years of pregnancy/baby/breastfeeding/hormone haze. We should draw a line, enjoy it all and move on with our two.

BUT. The idea of giving away all the baby stuff is bringing me out in hives. Not because I like babies (I don’t particularly, certainly didn’t enjoy the 0-1 stage with either of mine), but because I think of another little one and think that perhaps we do want one. That we can just power through another 2 years of disrupted sleep, I can physically get through one more pregnancy, one more CS, one more bout of nursing and physical recovery.

(Financial stuff is irrelevant btw, we’re comfortable and can def afford 3. We would need to redo the house at some point to create an extra bedroom but we can afford it, it’s more a logistical problem and I assume we have a few years where two of them could comfortably share.)

How on earth do I sort this out? I’m 38 so time not on my side for a third. First two were both conceived super easily but no guarantees etc.

OP posts:
Muuuuuuuum · 19/10/2020 20:51

I love and adore dc3 but I wish I'd stopped at 2. The costs are more than I expected - especially holidays - but it's the logistics that are really tough. Who shares twin room, who gets own on holiday? Can't do 1 parent, 1 child. And looking after emotional needs of 3 as they get older (mine are pre teen / teen now,) is really, really hard work.

But I only know that cos I'm here. If I hadn't done it would probably still be feeling like something was missing.

to3ornotto3 · 19/10/2020 22:27

Ahhhh this is what I’m worried about. Gah!

OP posts:
pandafunfactory · 19/10/2020 22:29

Oh just do it. Three is much more fun. You can afford it.

Thatwentbadly · 19/10/2020 22:32

Do you have enough time to give 3 individual attention and support with hmk? If yes then go for it. Although I forgot to ask what your partner think?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 19/10/2020 22:35

Well I thought about it on and off for 5 years. Ultimately decided no more (too many reasons not too) now the youngest is 7 and I'm pregnant.
This pregnancy has been a fucking nightmare. My body is fucked, I've been extremely ill and I've put on loads of weight.
I had just got over the broody stage and was settled with 2.

RandomUsernameHere · 19/10/2020 22:38

I was like this for years, but the difference was that I wanted a third and DH didn't. I kept all the baby stuff for 6 years and have only just got rid of it! It took me a long time to come round to the idea of not trying for a third, it was a gradual process. Now I can see so many positives to staying as a family of four.

Autumnblues2020 · 19/10/2020 22:38

I’ve had 3 and would only do it again knowingly if excess money and buy childcare
. Hard slog

TheChosenTwo · 19/10/2020 22:41

Same as @Muuuuuuuum really!
Love my 3rd dc and he has brought me so much love and happiness but even though we are financially quite secure(ish!) - the cost of holidays now when looking for 4 bedrooms for a week or two makes me want to cry Grin
The older 2 are at a different stage in life to him and it is hard dealing with their individual needs and trying to balance that with the younger one.
I don’t know if I’d do the same if I had my time again but at the same time I’d not change it. So maybe I would have done it again but perhaps I’d have done it sooner.
Mine are 17, 15 and then 9 so a bigger gap than yours would potentially have if you had another soon.
It was very easy in lots of ways (the older 2 were fabulous big sisters and still are, and they were at school when he came along so we had time to ourselves aswell), they loved him instantly, slept through the night, weren’t still in nappies etc so we didn’t have all that to contend with having 3 little ones close together.
I’d ruled out a 4th and now keep idly wondering... Grin
We won’t really but we had a great time with them as babies and actually really enjoyed the early years!

RandomMess · 19/10/2020 22:51

Mine are 22 18 17 15

Pre teen and teen years far far tougher than the early years. I mean really hard and tbh so far we've had a fairly easy ride of it compared to many people I know.

Caelano · 19/10/2020 23:40

Three is great- but if you’re going to do it, go for it soon! It’s hard work (I had 3 pre schoolers) but they grow up together and you move through each phase as a family. I think it must be a lot harder in the long run if you leave a big gap and have two close in age and then one at a totally different life stage. Not so much when they’re a tiny baby because they’re portable then, but I think it must be hard to have, say, a 10 and 8 year old and then a 2 year old running around the place. Just when the older ones get to the lovely stage when you can go out for meals and visit places without having to worry they’ll throw a tantrum or get bored, you’ve then got a child in the mix which will curtail what you can do

So yes, lots to be said in favour of a third but I wouldn’t hang about. They’ll be a great little gang

Mishmased · 20/10/2020 01:44

I have a 5 and 7 year old and I'm 8 weeks pregnant.
Just like you I do not enjoy the baby years but always knew I'd want 3 kids. I knew there will be a minimum of 3 years between as my kids are very needy. I didn't plan to have such a gap but I felt that my youngest was still a baby at 3. Decided on third when he was 4 but I changed jobs in summer 2019 and had to wait to qualify for full mat pay.
I cannot deal with 3 under 5 (my kids both stopped breastfeeding around 2.5 years and I don't want to tandem feed) so that was def out and I'm looking at school fees and college fees so for us it makes sense this way. We will have a break before number 3 starts school after the first 2. And they will have a little sibling to dots on 😁
Once you have the space and everyone is on board then crack on.
I had my two at 26 and 27 first time trying super easy. Same now at 34 although I had a miscarriage in July but got pregnant again in September. Good luck on your decision.

Mishmased · 20/10/2020 02:00

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion this is always my fear 😁 so better have it and put some proper birth control in place.
I hear you about being pregnant third time. This is so different compared to the first two. I reckon it is my punishment for wanting a third 🤣

mayflowerapplepie · 20/10/2020 02:33

I have a suspicion everyone feels like they need "just one more" when they think about giving away their baby things or get towards the end of their fertile years. It is a biological urge to reproduce. I think you have given many reasons why 2 are great.

Tickledtrout · 20/10/2020 05:41

Mine are 14, 16, 18. All girls. You get into a habit of who shares with who. We tend to go three bedrooms for holidays but can do two and sofa bed for up to a week.
Lower high school years are tricky and full on especially if they have all clubs etc and you're the taxi.

However, eldest has left for university this year and I am very pleased still to have two more at home. All at home over lockdown was one of the best family times I've ever had - a joy and a privelege to have them all so close at hand - and they comment that their friends are jealous of their sibling relationship ( although they argue well enough believe me!).
I'm one of three and although two would have been easier and cheaper, two just didn't feel enough for me.

PrimeraVez · 20/10/2020 06:04

Urgh am in a very similar situation.

DS1 is 4
DS2 is 2

I can't stop thinking about a third.

Financially, it's not a concern. But both my boys, particularly DS1, are FULL ON. Kind, funny and affectionate but boisterous, hyperactive and both crap sleepers. Part of me thinks a third would kill me (and my marriage)

And yet I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like 'someone' is missing. DH really doesn't want a third but has said 'if it's something you really want, then ok' which is almost worse because I know it should be a joint decision. If we do go for it, every time it gets tough there will be an undercurrent of 'well, you wanted this...'

willnotbetamed · 20/10/2020 06:49

I have three boys, 12, 10 and 5. I couldn't have done another one straight away - middle son was a hard-work baby but also we just felt really wrung out managing a baby and a toddler. But the bigger age gap is great - we had recovered from the baby years, and the older two were old enough to help out in small ways from the beginning, if nothing else by being able to put their own shoes on and hold the baby while I went to the loo if we were out somewhere. They are all great and I don't regret the third one, but I'm aware there are costs still to come (university or training, travel etc.) that might be hard on all of us. Having the third was also good in that I definitely felt confident afterwards that I didn't want to do it again! In my head I think four kids would be lovely and a lot more symmetrical; I was 35 when the last one was born and financially I supposed we could have managed although it would have been hard. But I have known since the moment the last one was born that I just don't want another baby. That is a relief!

to3ornotto3 · 20/10/2020 07:53

@PrimeraVez this is sort of where we are (although mine are possibly not quite so hyper & sleep well, so my sympathies!)

I think part of it is that I am one of 3 and DH one of 4 so we feel like 2 is too calm Grin and also have both benefited from having multiple sibling relationships ourselves. DH nervous about going back into baby stage but not ruling it out - I think he wants me to make the decision for us so he has plausible deniability Grin.

No interest in having a bigger gap, i want to either decide to go for it or put the idea to bed - and start to mentally move on with my life (as well as reclaim some of our storage space!)

OP posts:
PrimeraVez · 20/10/2020 08:00

[quote to3ornotto3]@PrimeraVez this is sort of where we are (although mine are possibly not quite so hyper & sleep well, so my sympathies!)

I think part of it is that I am one of 3 and DH one of 4 so we feel like 2 is too calm Grin and also have both benefited from having multiple sibling relationships ourselves. DH nervous about going back into baby stage but not ruling it out - I think he wants me to make the decision for us so he has plausible deniability Grin.

No interest in having a bigger gap, i want to either decide to go for it or put the idea to bed - and start to mentally move on with my life (as well as reclaim some of our storage space!)[/quote]
Agree with not wanting a bigger gap - I'm 'only' 34, so have a little time to play with I guess, but I feel very strongly that with DC2 being 2yrs old already, it's now or never. Part of me wishes we would have an 'accident' so the decision was out of our hands, but I also know that unless this is something we both really, genuinely want and chose, that trouble can lay ahead.

Mishmased · 20/10/2020 08:07

@willnotbetamed I could be you as my kids two kids are similar ages to yours and I'll be shy of 35 when this one arrives so a bit older compared to twenties. I'm so looking forward to it as older two are so independent.
Mine never slept so I cannot imagine having to deal with 3 non sleepers. And regarding college fees as the kids are spread out it shouldn't be a big hit. My childminder has a 19, 21 and 23 now that was hard and she admits it.
No way I'd be having a fourth, we only have a 4 bed house and I physically will not be able to cope 🤣

Ginfordinner · 20/10/2020 08:08

Don't underestimate how hard parenting teenagers is. Having toddlers and primary school aged children is a walk in the park in comparison. Teenagers need you far more on an emotional level than small children do.

The expense - school uniforms x 3, plus all the other extras, the amount of food they eat
The emotional toll - friendship issues, bullying, relationship issues
GCSEs x 3
A levels x 3
UCAS x 3
Funding through university x 3

Have you thought ahead to beyond the cute stage?

Bobojangles · 20/10/2020 08:12

I'm pregnant with my 3rd at the minute, similar age gap. Can't comment on what life will be like with 3 (I imagine school run will be hellish for a while!) But I definitely feel done this time whereas before I felt there was still something missing

BigusBumus · 20/10/2020 08:13

I've got 3 and secretly wish I'd stopped at 1 to be honest. 😬

378laura · 20/10/2020 08:16

We have 3 and I love it. I did initially want another'2 under 2' gap for DC2 and DC3 but (not for lack of trying) we ended up with approx 3 years. I'm glad it worked out that way now though as DC1 and DC2 were pretty independent so I felt I was able to enjoy DC3 as a baby. So not a huge gap but enough that I was able to remain pretty calm.
Also don't underestimate how expensive it is. We started from when they were babies saving for them going to university and house deposits etc. Each additional child we basically set a target of at least 60k cash to give them at 18.

Mishmased · 20/10/2020 08:21

@Ginfordinner you don't sugar coat it 😆

Oly4 · 20/10/2020 08:25

I have 3 aged 9,7& 3. It is wonderful and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I really wanted a third and was early 40s when I had dc3.
It’s amazing, I’ve never regretted it and love having a gang. Yes the first year is hard then it get easier.

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