Can’t stop thinking about third baby

[to3ornotto3]

Regular poster, have NCed

Yes, it’s yet another thread about having a third baby. Life is so simple with 2 - we have DD 3.7 and DS 1.7. Both are super little human beings. We are coming out of the baby stage - DS has mysteriously decided to potty train himself (!) and we are nappy free, both are sleeping through the night etc. I have a fairly full on career and feel like I’m coming out of the thick end of 4 years of pregnancy/baby/breastfeeding/hormone haze. We should draw a line, enjoy it all and move on with our two.

BUT. The idea of giving away all the baby stuff is bringing me out in hives. Not because I like babies (I don’t particularly, certainly didn’t enjoy the 0-1 stage with either of mine), but because I think of another little one and think that perhaps we do want one. That we can just power through another 2 years of disrupted sleep, I can physically get through one more pregnancy, one more CS, one more bout of nursing and physical recovery.

(Financial stuff is irrelevant btw, we’re comfortable and can def afford 3. We would need to redo the house at some point to create an extra bedroom but we can afford it, it’s more a logistical problem and I assume we have a few years where two of them could comfortably share.)

How on earth do I sort this out? I’m 38 so time not on my side for a third. First two were both conceived super easily but no guarantees etc.

@378laura that's similar to us. Saving for the child starts once they're born. I don't think people have kids without planning and future proofing as much as possible, at least not number 3 for us. First two kids were planned, this pregnancy was super planned at the grand age of 34!

@Oly4 love the ages!

My first two slept well and toilet trained easily and young - my dc2 also night (but not day) trained himself at 2.5. I thought we had everything sorted and kids were easy.

My third didn't sleep for more than a 90 minute stretch until he was 18 months old (not once) and those 90 minutes he had to be in physical contact with me. He was still waking 4+ times per night at 2.5. He point blank refused to toilet train despite appearing ready and being able to explain clearly with pretty good grammar in both English and German why he prefered nappies. We finally forced the issue with much bribary and many toilet accidents at 3.5.

He's the funniest, sweetest, frankly most astonishing, clever, original, creative, incredibly beautiful child and I love him desperately, but he has ongoing sensory processing issues and dyslexia and needs more parental input and occupational therapist input, more liason with school, and worries more than the older 2.

The first two being easy does not mean that the third will be.

[quote Mishmased]@Ginfordinner you don't sugar coat it 😆 [/quote]

Seriously though DD had some awful times at school as a teenager, and I really couldn't have coped with that amout of stress three times. Obviously it's luck of the draw when it comes to stuff you can't control like friendships etc, but DD has had years of exams.

Her school did short fat GCSEs in year 10, so she had GCSEs x 2 in year 10, GCSEs x 8 in year 11, AS levels x 4 subjects in year 12, and A levels x 3 subjects in year 13. I think the government has put a stop to early GCSEs and AS levels aren't done in England any more.

I go back and forth but have decided it’s either my career or a third child. Had to be very honest with myself that I lack the energy to be a hands on mum to 3 and also hold down a job. Some women can do it, I cannot.

I have a teen and a toddler. My history of trying for and having children is long and complex, and I'll probably spend the rest of my life working through certain emotions, but anyway, I went through stages where I was desperate for a third, but in hindsight it was more about wanting to cling on and savour every second of DD2's babyhood (lots of emotions linking back to my experience with my first and TTC for years with my 2nd)

If we had a third it definitely wouldn't be a disaster but it wouldn't be ideal. No1 was 10 when no2 was born, and a delightful child, but now the teen years have hit, and she needs WAY more input than the toddler, especially emotionally. It would be extremely hard to balance everyone else's needs plus my own if a third came into the picture.

I felt really broody though, until my youngest turned 2, and now I don't really at all, and I'm happy with the way things are. I don't know why I felt broody when I already had a baby, it's very odd, but I think at the same time women are often going to feel like we need more children because our bodies are always yelling at us to get pregnant. Doesn't always mean we should

I'd wait for another 6 months or so just until your youngest is less of a baby and more of a toddler, than have a think.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme my first was exactly like your third but we went on to have a second. We figured it couldn't get any worse🤣
I do love the fact that he could articulate why he wants nappies 😂

Eek I"m in this exact position - a 3 yr old DS and 18 month old DS. We discussed having a 3rd, went round in circles, couldn't decide. I was leaning towards no to be honest. Were still in discussions with no resolution when I got a positive test a few weeks ago. I was very upset at first, I felt like the choice had been taken away from me but am coming round to the idea, and like @PrimeraVez said part of the having an 'accident' at least takes the decision out of our hands.
I won't lie, I am really freaking out - but what's done is done and we just need to see how it pans out now.

I’d say just do it.

I did, I’ve just had the third, BUT! I have massive age gaps. Eldest is 18, youngest two months and there is one in between them. I would have loved three close together but I have terrible pregnancies and need years in between the courage up to so it again.

I didn’t have a career though, I’ve always just been shit and skint. I take my hat off to women with careers who have young children close together.

Mishmased 😁 we'd have had a second if he'd been DC1 as we were completely sure we didn't want an only (unless it was out of our control obviously). I had multiple blood transfusions immediately after dc1's birth and was rushed into the operating theatre, DH was left on his own for 4 hours holding newborn dc1 thinking I was dying or dead and panicing, but we went for a debrief 9 months later to check whether it was medically high risk to have another pregnancy/ birth and were told we were just unlucky and there was no reason to expect the same problems, so we started ttc once dc1 was 12 months. So we were pretty set on dc2.

If dc3 had been dc2 we wouldn't have had a 3rd though 😁

How many times did I read threads like this in the looong process of trying to decide whether to have a third??? Although neither of us knew 100% we wanted a third we also kept talking about it and the idea didn’t go away, unlike friends who obviously knew they were done and were moving on. In the end we accepted that the idea of a third lurking around for so long was the answer in itself and went for it. We now have a 7, 5 and 16 month old. I too am not a fan of the 0-1 year at all but knew it would be worth weathering it, and it was. The gap we ended up with really works for us as the older two are in school, are big enough to follow instructions, sort themselves out on lots of things etc. while not being too old that the gap feels too big. And they adore their little brother, as do we all! For me it was never about the cute stage, it was about the family we would build over time. I never expected to want more than two, but the idea popped into my head when my second was 7 months old and it never went away. I never thought two kids would seem too tidy or too few, but it did. That said, it is tiring, logistics are head spinning and my third pregnancy was a huge mess (epilepsy issues). I also took a break from work as I had been thinking of it for a while and would have had to go back in the middle of lockdown, so I am at home for a few years now. Lots of people make three or more kids and a job work though and that wasn’t something I planned before we went for it. Now we absolutely know we’re done and we are so, so glad we did it. We would always have had someone missing if not. Good luck with your decision - I know how hard it is to make.

There's so many great things about having three, so many ways a third would enrich your life but I think the focus here needs to be whether you are prepared for the negatives- regardless...Are you fully prepared for #3-

Not being a sleeper

Have reflux issues/CMP allergy type

Being velcro

Having additional needs- anything from something fairly straightforward to full on disability meaning you or H cannot work again

If the above occurs the impact that would have on the older 2. It will change their lives at the more severe end of things.

The costs of three, not just now but for the next 20years

The fact that you attention to your existing children will be diluted. Perhaps they are great kids because they get 50% of you. Might be different at 30%...

Your own mental health you get much less time to your self

I could go on. I know it's negative - that's the point. Only if I was happy with all of these and more would I consider it.

I think the broody thing doesn't pass properly until your youngest is about 3. I was floored (severe MH impact)!by my second and still felt a bit like this until they were about 3. Then I got divorced.... so very glad I didn't entertain a third.

We couldn’t have three in the end but I do make myself feel hugely better by thinking about the cost implications. Music lessons, swimming lessons, hobbies, birthdays, Christmas, teen activities, uni fees, house deposits then inheritance split three ways.

In terms of friendships there tends to be one child left out when there’s three, and my children are same sex and get on fabulously. So if I were able to have a third I’d only be doing it for me, no one else needs it or requires it. Plus of course the sleepness nights nearly broke me second time round and two kids ill at the same time is horrendous, add another and my anxiety would have been off the scale.

@UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme that sounds traumatizing. If you don't mind me asking how old you were for your for third. Everyone keeps saying how old 34 is to be having kids 🙄

@purringpaws my youngest is 5 and I have always wanted a third 🤣
I don't feel broody just incomplete.

Mishmased 35 :)

When I had DC1 I was the second youngest in my antenatal class at 30! Average age of women having their first there was probably about 36, with several over 40.

How old people perceive as normal for having children depends massively on where you live. In some areas having babies in your early 20s is normal, in others its mildly shocking because you must be barely out of university and not had time to travel and establish a career...

Anyway 34 is definitely not old for DC3 considering the statistical national average for DC1 in the UK is 29...

Everyone keeps saying how old 34 is to be having kids

Ignore them. 34 is pretty normal where I live, and quite young for a third child.

Everyone keeps saying how old 34 is to be having kids

Other people can sod off. I had my third to months ago at age 40.

I feel like the three bears of Goldilocks equivalent with the ages I’ve had my children (according to other people):

DC1 I was 22 - too young!
DC3 I was 40 - too old!
DC2 I was 33 - just right!

Does my head in!

That's good to know. I had my first two mid to late twenties. My friends are only having their first at 31 and 33 so I was quite surprised when I was told that. I guess people wouldn't say it if it is your first child, it's more like you've had two goes give it a rest 😆

Had a similar dilemma and went for it - zero regrets!!

@IceSkater what ages are yours? That's good to hear.

Following with interest. I would like to ask to people who have 3, what is so great about having 3 kids, that you can't quite get with 2 or less?

I had boys 16 months apart (now age 7 and 6) and 3 years later had a girl (she’s 3 now). We had the boys verrrry close together and I planned to start trying for baby #3 once the youngest boy turned two but then my husband wasn’t too keen. So we took a 6 month break where we didn’t even discuss the possibility of baby #3. Once that deadline was up I still had the urge, and my husband was basically like well it’s your call so we went for it. I have to admit part of my happiness was that we had a girl but it’s also just watching how my boys interact with their younger sibling. I love having a full and busy house but I’m sure that’s not for everyone. There are con’s such as having to buy a bigger car, so much laundry, paying a fortune for traveling and 3x school fees but I still am confident we made the right choice.

@IceSkater mine are 7 and 5 both boys and I love the way you describe their interaction with their little sibling.

We had a couple of big moves: moved 300km in 2017, new job for me, bought a house in 2018. A role I was interested in came up in another company so I moved jobs in 2019, made permanent earlier. We have been so busy and the urge is still there.

@Tsubasa1 I'm an only child so I knew I will be having more than one child. I love the way they play together and I do get jealous of their relationship.

My DH is the eldest of 3 with nearly 10 year gaps between each child and they're not close. But I would say it was the way they were brought up that was the deciding factor not the age gaps.

@IceSkater I'm getting the multimac seats no changing my car haha