Parenting assessment in mum and baby foster placement

[NewMummy190820]

Hi. looking for any advice/support.

I am a 1st time mum to my beautiful daughter. I am 22 y/o and have come from a voilent relationship dating back about 7 years. Social services come involved when i admitted to midwife that there had been violence in relationship. Put on child protection. Told to do parenting assessment/pshycologicl assessments all to be done whilst we are living in a mum and baby foster placement. Not with babys father. Social worker/Midwifes/Hv/DV worker all have nothing but good things to say about me and praise me for how well i am doing. Our case in not in court and i agreed to do this voluntary to prove to them i can & will look after my baby and keep her from any harm. Obviously there are concerns that me and babys father can rekindle relationship as we was together 7 years. My main question here is can independent social worker fail my parenting assessment just because she "THINKS" relationship could continue in future. Could they take my baby away with no solid proof of me and babys father getting back together.. just that it is a worry. Sorry for long post. Any advice i would be really grateful

I don't have direct experience, but am an adopter.

I don't think they would remove your baby based on 'thinks it could'. If you are looking after the baby well, have distanced yourself from the father then they would prefer you keep the baby than take the baby into care.

My guess is you need to be able to show you understand why you didn't leave earlier, what strategies you have for not going back (e.g. who else can you turn to etc) and a clear resolve you will do whatever it takes to keep your baby and yourself safe.

@TeenPlusTwenties Thank u so much for your reply.

I am doing everything to prove myself in such difficult times. We come start to carers house from hospital. Havent seen a lot of family due to distance/Covid19. I am participating in womens aid and finding it very helpful. My daughter is the only reason i need to keep away and its never been easier. I am happier than ever and want me and my daughter to have the best life possible going forward and just hope social workers can see this instead of doubting me just because of the longness of relationship.

Thanks again

Places at mother and baby units are very hard to come by. They wouldn't have found one for you unless it was a genuine opportunity for you to prove yourself. But you really need to show them. Show them you can protect yourself and the baby. Show them that your abuser is history and you can do it as a single mum. Good luck.

Have you had any contact at all with your ex since giving birth? I would focus on maintaining that, and on looking after your baby and try not to worry too much about assesments etc. If you can 100% show those 2 above things then you should be fine.

You sound like you’re doing all the right things, be as open with them as possible. Any contact from your ex partner do not reply, let them know and confirm that you won’t be responding etc. (Not sure if this is an ongoing issue) anything like that you can do which checks the boxes. But sure others will have more experienced advice. Good luck

Also please do not think that you will be given second and third chances if you do continue to see the Dad against advice. Social workers have been known to use people's social media posts to show that contact is still being allowed to a violent ex partner who is a risk to the child. If you continue to be honest and show that you are really doing everything you can to keep your daughter safe you stand a good chance. They are trying to help by giving you a place in an assessment unit but they won't be able to let you take risks for the baby's sake

Make sure you take full advantage of any opportunity that is available to you while you are there - counselling, therapy etc
If a treatment/intervention is suggested and you're not sure if you need it or how it would help you don't immediately reject it
Good luck 🤞

I second everyone’s advice, prove that you haven’t had contact with the father for a while and are doing everything you can to help yourself

@nocoolnamesleftThank you so much :)

@ScottishStottie No contact at all with him but little contact with hes mother and sister regarding them asking how baby is doing. He gets supervised contact with babygirl at contact centre whilst hes assessments are also done

@Thisisnotnormal69 thank you so much for your help. I will do anything i have to and jump threw all hoops to prove myself

@nogooddeedgoesunpunished Thank you so much for your advice. I know there are no second chances as have lived threw the care process my self and wouldnt want my daughter to go threw the same thing

@Eviebeans Thank you, i have agreed to just that. I have even gone out of my way and purchased the online freedom group to complete to help what i have been threw. I feel a stronger better woman and despite all the circumstances of whats going on i am the happiest i have ever been

@apumpkinaday Thank you, i am doing just that

... I know I probably don't need to say this but - steer clear of other relationships for the time being...

@Eviebeans honestly that is the last thing on my mind lol, enjoying every day with my little girl and looking forward to seeing family when we are home. but thank you for your help

Sorry that you’ve had this experience, it must be so stressful. The thing is, sadly, it is common for women who’ve experienced domestic abuse to return to the relationship, even when so much is at stake. So SS are holding that experience in mind, whilst also investing in you and hoping for the best for you and your baby, by offering you all the support that they are.

The one thing that worries me a little about your post is you saying My daughter is the only reason i need to keep away. It’s maybe just a turn of phrase and not what you really meant, but I would encourage you to reflect on this - of course it’s her you are doing this for, but your needs are important too, and you deserve to be free from violence and abuse. All the workers involved will be working toward helping you becoming more and more aware of the things that he did and said that controlled/ kept you there etc. This was not your fault at all, but they want to see you deepening your reflection and understanding of how things got here. Unfortunately women who have been in abusiverelationships often have been so undermined and worn down that they can feel they caused or deserved it, and end up picking abusive men in the future.

I’m sure you know all this from the work you are doing with women’s aid, I hope I’m not patronising you, but basically I’m saying keep at it, know you (and your daughter) are worth so much more than he would have made you believe. It sounds like you are doing amazingly. All the best to you

@Merename Honestly my daughter has given me the strength. I can admit i was weak before, i stayed way longer than i should have and put up with stuff i never should have put up with but she really has gave me the strength i need and made me realise i never want my daughter to go threw what i did. We do deserve better. Thank you for your support. And also your kind words. It means a lot.

Not sure how much it will help but I read alot of books by Cathy glass and this book is about someone in a mother and baby placement. It discusses the hardships and the reality of what would happen if it fails.
You may or may not find it an interesting read.
www.amazon.co.uk/Please-Dont-Take-My-Baby-ebook/dp/B00A61ZRO2/ref=sr_1_10?dchild=1&keywords=cathy+glass&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1603127392&sr=8-10

I really wish you luck. You sound determined. Stick to it!

Hi newmummy, lots of people have already offered good advice, I just wanted to add that you may go through tough times as your baby gets older - teething, sleep problems and so on - and you may not feel happy like you do now, so it's worth thinking about how you can get support when that happens. Good luck.

Why do you think the ISW is going to assess you negatively? Why would they think you are back wit the dad?
If you genuinely aren't seeing him then there will be no evidence that you are seeing him. However if you have blurred the boundaries even a tiny bit they will find out.

Hi OP :)

Congratulations on the birth of your little girl . You sound like a very caring Mummy.

You've been given some excellent advice above. Do everything SS ask of you and steer clear of your ex and any contact he tries to have with you. As said above report anything back to SS if he tries to contact you. If all goes well steer clear when you're home too. SS won't look positively if he starts slipping back into your lives and they will find out. It's hard when you have known him for so long but he is not healthy for you and your lovely DD and her safety must come first (I know you know this of course).

You can do this lovely, we're all here rooting for you xx

@Ohdoleavemealone Thank you so much, This seems interesting, I will have a little look

@HotPenguin Thank you for advice, believe me i know its not going to be a good day everyday. We have already gone threw a lot from trouble breastfeeding, sleepless nights. But honestly i feel like we can work threw anything and at the end of the day whatever we go threw is always going to be worth it to wake up to her sweet little face. My family are being very supportive, more than ever so im not worried about not having any support when we return home x

@CodenameVillanelle Isw dont believe we are back together. They are just mentioning that they are conscerned we could rekindle in future. I have been in mum and baby fosterplacement since my baby girl was born (Voluntry). Havent left my daughter or foster carers side so really they cant have an concerns that i have seen him. Just wondering just because they believe it could rekindle because of amount of history we have this cant be a reason to give me a negative assessment, Even if everything else is positive