Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

When life's shit...

52 replies

PineappleUpsideDownCake · 18/10/2020 00:18

How do you stop yourself from sinking?

Life has just not ended up the way I expected. Ill physical and now mental health, difficult marriage, abusive parents - leaving long term trauma I hadn't bargained on, child with disability.

Was very bright, Oxbridge graduate. Supposed to "do well." Expectations then of an average middle class lifestyle.

We're really struggling. My ability to work is limited. Husbands income aways been uncertain. Now with covid our income's halved. I can't see how we can buy the christmas presents they want. (We can't. ) Never mind buy driving lessons/school trips in the future.

We dont have pensions. And we're in our 40s.

Its just so scary and so different to how I wanted and expected it to be as a young graduate.

I'm craving stability. Not even an exciting life just to know everything's okay.

I'm sure there's many of us for whom life hasnt quite worked out. How do we keep from sinking?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 18/10/2020 00:24

Easy for me to say I know.. I'm not in your position, but do not get into debt for the sake of things you cannot afford as it will only compound the mess you feel you are in.

Explain your situation to people. Tell them they can only have what you can afford.

You won't sink because it's a long way back up. Just work with what you have got.

Babyroobs · 18/10/2020 00:24

Are you getting all the benefits you are entitled to- DLA for your child, carers allowance or Uc carers element, child disability premium??

waitingforadulthood · 18/10/2020 00:28

Wealth, home ownership,. And privilege is a new concept. I Think as a culture and society we are more unhappy than any before us- including wars etc. You have life health, wealth And happiness. Aren't you lucky? Count your blessings

SexyGiraffe · 18/10/2020 00:29

We just keep trying. It's all any of us can do. Oh and wine. Drink wine WineGrin

Anordinarymum · 18/10/2020 00:30

@SexyGiraffe

We just keep trying. It's all any of us can do. Oh and wine. Drink wine WineGrin
Beer
Original poster
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 18/10/2020 00:32

We thankfully aren't in debt currently. I'm trying to work out what we have to change not to be next year as we were fortunate to have the seiss grant which tied us over the summer. We had hoped the work was going to come back.....

We have dla and carers as of this year. Bizarrely applied for just before covid and one thing I count my lucky stars for regularly. We aren't directly spending it on the child as planned though as we are now living off it... Sad

With the loss of income we now get UC. We didnt claim it for the first 4 months of lockdown as we'd assumed it wasn't long term.

I guess moving to a life with benefits/much reduced income could be another thread that will apply to many/ many more over the next few months sadly. So not what I'd imagined.

OP posts:
Original poster
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 18/10/2020 00:34

Waitìngforadulthood. Well. Life yes. Currently not health wealth or happiness.

I want to see what I can do health wise, but lack of finance directly affects that. This thread was a hope towards maybe not happiness, but at least not sinking.

OP posts:
Readandwalk · 18/10/2020 00:35

It's not a problem if you about it differently.
Being an Oxford graduate is not an answer to anything but unfortunately lots of people assume it is.
Do any job to earn an income.
Like most people do.

Original poster
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 18/10/2020 00:36

Sexygiraffe. I havent got wine. Its on my non-essential list. But I might buy some. I have tea and tea is good.

I need to look at moving to budgeting for low cost meals. I know there's threads on this. And in this current time will be many of us doing this. (Fingers in ears avout brexit and food prices going up.)

OP posts:
Original poster
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 18/10/2020 00:38

Readandwalk. I know . People assume we should be living differently. Old contacts move in different circles.

We currently do work but my work is limited and low income due to health/child. Husbands work has just been deicmated with covid. We will be adjusting to one minimum wage income for a family of 4. I know many people do this but it is a huge change in outlook and in life opportunities.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 18/10/2020 00:39

People need practical advice and support, not worthless platitudes.

There's 2 things you need to do to keep on top of your finances; work out how to spend less, and see if you can earn more (without losing it in tax or lost benefits.)
Do you have any spare time you could devote to job hunting, running a small business from home, or learning a new skill?

myhobbyisouting · 18/10/2020 00:46

If your husbands work has been "decimated" as you say then surely your work isn't affected for childcare? Do as much as you both can I suppose in any role.

The Oxbridge thing is irrelevant to your current earnings

kerosene20 · 18/10/2020 00:51

Op I feel very much the same. I have a professional career, husband has a low paid job. My health is declining rapidly and I just don’t know how we’re going to hang on to anything resembling the life we have now. I’m scared and very very sad.

Original poster
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 18/10/2020 00:54

(((Kerosene20))) I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar boat. It's both scary and sad isn't it. I think that's what I don't want to feel. It feels like having hope for a bright future taken away.

OP posts:
SayWhatNowNow · 18/10/2020 01:00

OP, sorry to hear your life has not turned out the way you envisaged and that you feel you have not fulfilled expectations. It’s true, when people hear someone is an Oxbridge graduate they expect great things, high-flying careers etc. There is still time to change or achieve what you think you are capable of. If you made it to Oxbridge you obviously have the drive/intelligence to achieve something. Maybe your husband could take greater caring role and you can concentrate on your career? For now though, re-evaluate your finances and cut your cloth accordingly. Good luck

Smallsteps88 · 18/10/2020 01:12

I feel very much the same OP. Covid has turned my life upside down. I’m now in a mess and feel like I’m having a some sort of slow burn breakdown. I have no answers to any of the questions I need answered. I don’t know what to do to improve things. I feel like I need to press pause on life for a few months and just breathe, eat, sleep and find some sort of peace before I’ll be able to start fixing things.

Sorry you’re in the same boat. And sorry I have no answers. I wish I did.

Original poster
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 18/10/2020 01:18

(((Smallsteps))) I guess there will be many of us in the coming months.

I so want to pause too. Maybe somewhere warm with an outdoor pool for 6 months 😁.

Life is just going to be SO different. Maybe we can cut outselves some slack to mentally grieve how we thought it was going to be and just "cope" for a bit. Menaly ai want answers/a plan now. But they're just not there.

OP posts:
Original poster
PineappleUpsideDownCake · 18/10/2020 01:20

Compeltely relate to that feeling of slipping into a breakdown.

I think thats why I started this thread for "help not to sink" into complete breakdown.

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 18/10/2020 01:21

Life is just going to be SO different. Maybe we can cut outselves some slack to mentally grieve how we thought it was going to be and just "cope" for a bit. Menaly ai want answers/a plan now. But they're just not there.

Yes to this. I think it’s the only way right now. Just try and cope.

kerosene20 · 18/10/2020 01:22

I definitely relate to the slow breakdown. My health issues have made me crap at my job and I live in fear of being sacked and humiliated. Every day is constant anxiety. It’s horrendous!

Spudina · 18/10/2020 01:38

Sorry you are feeling this way OP. With regards to exercise, I really don’t think you need lots of money. You tube videos can be great. There’s a lovely lady called Adrienne who does half hour yoga videos. My friend has lost a shed load of weight just walking on the spot with Leslie Sansone. I walked nearly forty mikes around the streets where I live in September on a group Strava challenge. Stopping gifts amongst adults, or having a small limit is a good way your reduce Christmas costs. Plus being realistic with your children’s expectations. I hope things pick up for you.

Gohackyourself · 18/10/2020 07:27

Your plan for your mental health atm is to get up each day and tackle what you can do in that day.putting one foot in front of the other , day by day.
When you have had the rug snatched from under your feet, which takes your dreams/ideas/aspirations away that’s all you can do whilst you give yourself time to recover.
Stop also going over “ I should have been somebody coz I’m an oxbridge student” as that is just bashing yourself when you are down.
There’s plenty people who should have been something but due to an accident, illness, death, divorce their paths end in a different direction.
Don’t beat yourself up, I’m sure you had a blast being a student, some of us, due to a trauma don’t even get that opportunity coz life got in the way, this is all that’s happening now.
You have your partner and children , concentrate on getting you all through October, then November etc if this has taught us anything it’s that you can make lots of plans , life will do what it wants.
Like Dory in finding nemo “ just keep swimming “ xx

SandysMam · 18/10/2020 07:46

Some really good advice on this thread, I think for me (serious health problems) the very small daily gratitudes helps and literally not thinking too far ahead. So on my really bad days living hour by hour and trying to find some joy in that hour. A few snatched pages of a really good paperback, the first few sips of a hot cup of tea.
Forget about what you could have been OP, there are plenty of Oxbridge graduates married to abusive partners, battling infertility, stressed to the Max in high powered professions. Yes your life could have been better but it might have been worse!!
Be honest with your kids, it’s a good life lesson. Do all you can to make your own little bubble happy and content. This is all we have really. Oh and stay off social media, even mumsnet, it will make you feel shit with 100k salaries and million pound pension pots! On that note, can you start even the tiniest pension? Might make you feel more in control!

terrywynne · 18/10/2020 08:29

Flowers you are grieving for the life you thought you would have. It is natural to feel like this especially when some of it - Covid impact for example has been so sudden, recent and unexpected. It is ok to be sad!

I do think you need to stop worrying about what people think Oxbridge graduates should be like. Stereotypes about Oxbridge are so heavily ingrained. Yes, some have high flying careers etc but lots are just doing 'ordinary' jobs. And disability and illness does not discriminate based in where you went to university.

AnotherFriday · 18/10/2020 09:01

I hear you, OP.

For me (single parent on a modest income), I'm looking at downsizing my home in the New Year to save on living costs which will involve either a change of area to somewhere cheaper (and far less desirable!) or a far smaller living space - which means an awful lot of decluttering and getting rid of non essential stuff we have - potentially looking at moving from a three bedroom house with a garage and large utility to a 2 bedroom flat with no storage. I don't have a choice.

As for how not to sink mentally, there is a lot to be said for appreciating the small stuff. I'm currently sitting in a small, secluded spot in my garden drinking tea. It's chilly but being surrounded by the sound of bird song, the rabbits going about their daily business and the smell of autumn is what does it for me.

A lot of my hobbies, socialising and hobbies have been curtailed by the current situation - I work hard and sleep. There is little else. My work is ok for now but the added pressures have made it very difficult to do, and incredibly difficult to enjoy on any level, so I'm trying to find joy in the small stuff and an appreciation for what I do have, which (tbh) isn't a lot.

I spoke to a friend yesterday and, until then, i hadn't realised just how far removed from myself i had become over the past few months. I'm not eating well, no exercise, no 'joy', nothing that makes me Me. I feel like a stranger to myself some days.

I also agree with not looking or thinking too far ahead.

It's hard currently and will probably be so for some time to come.

Swipe left for the next trending thread