When life's shit...

[PineappleUpsideDownCake]

How do you stop yourself from sinking?

Life has just not ended up the way I expected. Ill physical and now mental health, difficult marriage, abusive parents - leaving long term trauma I hadn't bargained on, child with disability.

Was very bright, Oxbridge graduate. Supposed to "do well." Expectations then of an average middle class lifestyle.

We're really struggling. My ability to work is limited. Husbands income aways been uncertain. Now with covid our income's halved. I can't see how we can buy the christmas presents they want. (We can't. ) Never mind buy driving lessons/school trips in the future.

We dont have pensions. And we're in our 40s.

Its just so scary and so different to how I wanted and expected it to be as a young graduate.

I'm craving stability. Not even an exciting life just to know everything's okay.

I'm sure there's many of us for whom life hasnt quite worked out. How do we keep from sinking?

I was just writing a long reply and it vanished. So I'll try and summarise my advice to you having also had the rug pulled out from under us a few years ago.....

Try not to compare your situation with others, hard though that is. You'll drive yourself mad if you do, try to focus your energy on your family, dig deep as it may take time, but you'll get through this.

Priorities are keeping the roof over your head, paying council tax, heating the house, feeding the family. Go through your bank details and cancel anything you don't need like nowtv etc. Meal plan, write a list and stick to it when you shop. If you pay council tax over ten months currently, ring the council and see if you can change it to twelve months as that can kick in straight away and free up some money every month (when we did this, what we saved covered the cost of my car insurance which we had to change to direct debt instead of paying it in full up front).

Don't be afraid to say "we can't afford it" whether that's to your kids or friends. Don't apologise, it is what it is and you don't owe anyway an explanation.

If you can, start some savings, even £10 a month is a start and will help you feel a bit in control. It's good that you don't have debts, try to avoid credit cards etc as is a very slippery slope. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you need a big Christmas, start picking up some food/treat bits now each time you shop to spread the cost.

You'll be ok OP, you're stronger than you know. Take things a day at a time, and try to find what's good in every day. It's taken us seven years to get back on an even keel but even so, neither of us have good pensions and if I think about that too much it keeps me awake at night. It feels like we're back to square one but as 40-somethings this time not 20-somethings. Good luck

Sorry you’re going through all this op.
You’ve already got some fab advice. My advice is to keep getting through the day by firstly doing the necessary tasks like showering, cleaning, and eating food that’s nutritious and easy.
Then try to do something out of the house on the days you’re not working, even if it’s a short walk or a trip to the supermarket.
You’re obviously very bright so when you feel up to it, find something that keeps you mentally stimulated. This is often neglected and it’s so important for many. Whether it’s reading a book or doing a free course, whatever makes you feel connected to the world on an intellectual level.
Make plans. Find practical ways to help you move forward. Having hope for a better future is what kept me going.

I haven't got any pearls of wisdom unfortunately, but just wanted to say, you sound nice op.

Yes, you do sound nice, OP.

Oxbridge graduate here, life has not turned out the way I hoped for in many ways. Most of my Ox peers are considerably wealthier than I am. They have big houses, financial security, they’re mostly still married and mostly have clever, successful children. But note that I say ‘most’. It’s not all of them. I don’t earn much, I often berate myself for my choices and wonder what the hell happened. (My kids are fab though!). I’ve had some very, very dark times. My DH is dead. But I just keep getting out of bed in the mornings and keep on keeping on. I don’t know the details of other people’s interior lives. They may be struggling for all I know. Or some tragedy may be around the corner for them. I know where you’re coming from, but please try and live your life without making comparisons and find your joy where you can.

((((HopeClearwater)))) and anyone else struggling. It feels so hard sometimes doesn't it.

I've really appreciated people posting on this thread thankyou. There's some great ideas.

Like someone else said higher up I think Ive slipped even further than I thought into life being a bit joyless. Stress and anxiety about just general living has a lot to answer for.

I think the oxbridge thing was a slight detour but I do use it to bet myself up with. Im not aiming for glittering career. I would be so happy having been well enough to manage any career!!! Or my husband. Just a regular income...

The mental stimulation is interesting. I think thats where I end up reading rubbish online just to fix that desire for "input."

I need to put energy into eating more nutritiously, as well as cheaper. That will be my next plan when Ive got over the next busy hump with the bit of work I do do. The food thing has truly slipped.

Getting out each day. I certainly don't dothat anymore. I still have a car at the moment, and some beautiful scenery so ought to actively plan that.

Ive told my child they can't have a game console. They have been so so good about it and understand. They've been lovely about it. It's hard when their friends do isnt it? We're not a gaming family and I do know they aren't the be all and end all of life.

They understood life would change when we shielded initially with corona. They've been amazing. It's just hard for everyone isnt it.

We don't really spend on anything much. We didn't before covid due to life being difficult. But even more so now money has dropped. Child 2 has a sport that all do all I can to keep her in.

Saving/pension. Just not possible. I'm not sure how we will get through this next year as it is with basic bills.

There was a thread yesterday about how money can’t but happiness, this is a classic example of how just £10,000 which is nothing to a multi millionaire, could literally change someone’s life. I hope you get a break OP, you do sound lovely and now your kids do too!!

Thanks Sandy. I agree money after a certain income cant buy happiness. But i think people that say that are quite "confortable" themselves. Lack of money in our case, and lack of seeing the ability to earn it, is certainly causing huge unhappiness!

Sometimes life is shit, but you just have to keep going and shut out the negatives and find positives. friends, family, work, pets, hobbies. Anywhere you can find that little spark of happiness to balance the negatives.

And ignore the idiots recommending alcohol as a way out of depression. Like adding an addictive substance into mental health issues is somehow constructive?

Agree with goldenharvest
Stick with the tea!

Tea is good .

I agree that money can't buy happiness but it certainly must help! Just not having the stress that money worries causes would be good. We often say that if we win the lottery we wouldn't need millions, just enough to clear the mortgage and put a bit away for old age would make all the difference.

The mental stimulation is interesting. I think thats where I end up reading rubbish online just to fix that desire for "input."

The mental stimulation may make a big difference to how you feel. The fact you studied at Oxbridge is relevant there as for at least three years you will have been doing multiple essays/worksheets a week plus in depth discussions in tutorials etc. Online browsing has its place - forums like this can be a great support - but I find it can become the junk food/empty calories of mental stimulation. Reading a book or watching a documentary, getting the change to discuss what you've watched with your DH isnt going to solve everything but it might help give a bit of an escape and stimulus.

I expect the Oxbridge thing gets the OP down because her peer group are living in very different circumstances.

OP, don’t forget Oxbridge favours the already privileged. Half of its intake is privately schooled and I read Oxford has the highest percentage of undergraduate students who have at least one university educated parent of any university. You’re comparing yourself with the wrong people and it’s impossible to catch up with the product of generations of financial and emotional support in one lifetime even if you were able to level intellectually.

I’m sorry about work, health and the demands of your child’s condition. All of those are just bad luck which is not fair but not your fault, and sadly just as likely to visit your more fortunate and privileged peers in the future.

If I’m feeling low, I do the following:

Brush my teeth. It’s a really easy two minute meditation that makes me feel calmer, cleaner, and fresher.

Shower, wash my hair, and take the time to dry and style it properly. If I need more comforting, I have a soak in the bath, sometimes with candles and nice smellies.

I go for a run or cycle.

I listen to musicals, the Beatles, or the Kinks! On full volume and sing along.

Declutter. Having too much makes me feel really grateful for all that I have.

Plant seeds or bulbs. It’s good to have plans for the future and signs of growth, and to be reminded that you’re only the gardener, not the garden, ie you’re doing your best but the outcome is not your responsibility.

Wishing you well, OP.

Been there, done that. Not an Oxbridge graduate but come from a country where a much better lifestyle is affordable on a more humble job, also parents who perhaps naively thought that a good PhD with favourable reviews of thesis meant I would walk into a high-flying job. Even more so as younger sibling did that very thing.

Instead dh and I had to make a very limited income do, disabled child but no DLA (fluctuating disability), myself suffering from anxiety which made it difficult to put myself forward.

But looking back, in my late 50s, I look at these things a bit differently. I may not have lived younger sibling's life, but I've lived my own- and if I may say so I've been bloody good at it!

I may never get that invite to chair a funding committee for any country's equivalent of the British Academy or get invited to be a guest lecturer on another continent, but if tough times come, I am absolutely the one that can keep rustling up new and interesting meals from a bag of potatoes and some lentils. I am the one that kept my family going during the other bad times, the one that made them believe you can walk on water, the one that still to this day gives dd the courage she needs to battle on despite her disability and pain.

Spoke to younger sibling on the phone the other night, the one who has done all those other wonderful things, and the conversation was punctuated by sighs- his, not mine. For the first time in his life, what with the pandemic and the possibility of economic recession in his son's field, he is having to face the prospect of uncertainty and there's been nothing in his life that's prepared him for this. Dh and I otoh...

I did feel bad earlier this year: after many years as a carer and part-timer/occasional free lancer, I had finally managed to crawl back to a point in my career where I was offered a full time contract at a reasonable level. Students liked me, work was fascinating, my research contribution got top ranking, and for the first time we had money to spare. It lasted a year- then came the pandemic and my contract was pulled. Not saying that didn't hurt. But it wasn't the fear I heard in my sibling's voice. More of a "oh well, here we go again". And that was, in its own way, quite reassuring.

Hang in there, OP, you can do it! It's not as glamorous as a high-flying career. But it's worth doing.

That mental stimulation has been so important to me and has kept me energised, if that’s the right word.
Instead of the online input, I do things like listen to TED talks, science podcasts or bbc radio 4 or drama while I’m doing stuff. That ensures that things get done while still getting input.
I also take time to read non fiction and fiction. It’s almost like feeding yourself nutritious food so you don’t snack on junk too often. Feed yourself good quality intellectual stuff so you’re not snacking on mindless surfing.
Definitely get out more to see your beautiful scenery. It’s so good for mental health.

One thing dh and I enjoy is sitting down every Saturday morning with a cup of coffee and planning the week's meals, researching recipes either from books (because we already have them) or online (cheaper). We try to treat it as a game rather than a reminder of needing to save. We do at least 2 veggie meals a week and one big pot meal that does for 2 days. Over the years our food bill has gone down, despite children growing, but it still hasn't felt like a chore.

And what Beechview said about mental stimulation. Very wise.

One last thing, OP.

Get into the habit of diagnosing how you’re feeling. Give your mood marks out of 10 every time you have a meal. Anything less than 6 and you need to swing into self care. Once things feel “shit” it’s a much bigger battle to come back from that, but of course you can do it.

Wow those last set of posts are areally reallybhelpful. Will have to read.

Def lower than 6 at the moment.

My DH and I are another problem. Not bad, just I feel Im doing this alone. He isnt one I easily discuss things with. I need to find that outlet else where.

But yes the slide the last few years into "junk" intellectually and food wise and even lack of movement wise is there. I will have a bit more time when work slows after next week (both good and bad I guess!) So really will declutter again. We have no garage or loft space and a small home so it often feels cluttered. Again one of those things that money would help, but theres work I can do on it.

I love the idea of planting some bulbs. 🥰.

I need to take some control over the bits of life I have left within my control.

Thankyou all so much for your posts. C

Corythat. I love the recipe game idea. I need to do that!

As someone who went to oxbridge I know plenty of peers who are not on huge salaries and are struggling financially. In particular I have seen many of those who did PhDs struggle with not finding their niche or with mental health or other issues. Maybe it also depends on what subject your peers studied, I imagine their is a lot of variation between arts grads and someone who did maths or computer science.

I have a disabled child and care for him has impacted on my career progression. In order to get mental stimulation I try to listen to lots of audio books whilst I am doing other things. I also participate in a number of online groups for specific interests as it is hard to get out of house when you have a disabled child.

@PineappleUpsideDownCake - I relate to a lot of what you are saying. Oxbridge -underachiever with MH issues that prevent me from full time or high-stress jobs, and also challenging life raising an SEN child alongside an NT one.
We don't have much money but I am genuinely happy and worked really hard to become so. One thing that helped was stopping comparing myself to the highest of highflying friends or acquaintances from uni.

Some small adjustments to life sound cheesy but are worth a go before you dismiss them because you could surprise yourself by how much they help:

1. Make a list of all the things you enjoy that are free or almost free and do them: bird watching, walking in nature, listening to silly quiz shows or gorgeous music on the radio, reading, meditation, yoga, dancing etc. Do at least three of these for at least 5-10 mins each day. Punctuate your day with them. E.g. have a cup of fresh coffee or tea while watching the birds in the morning. Have lunch while listening to a funny chat show on the radio (ISIHAC or WILTY or the News Quiz) Go for a walk and pay real attention to nature - the sky, clouds, leaves on trees, insects - the bigger picture. Have bath with the radio tuned to classical piano or cheesy 80s pop etc. Do these every day just to give you mini-mood lifts. They are temporary boosts but that's better than none.

1. Set up some fun habits as a family - again free or next to free. It's so therapeutic to enjoy time together as a family. Ours include:

Long family walks. When DC were little we'd bribe them with sweets or lay nature trails but now they love it. Friday film night - pick something free on Netflix, make your own popcorn for about 20p for a huge bowl. Turn the lights off and watch it together. Game Nights - board games or word games or charades - whatever you all like. Having a really happy family life is one of things I'm proudest of, despite being broke and bonkers.

1. However tiny your budget, set a fixed amount of it aside for fun. 5% of earnings is the amount recommended to me by a financial guru when I was paying off debts. Ring fence this. You can use it each week or have some cheap weeks and save up for something more luxurious. You can give it all to one family member one week as long as everyone gets a turn and the whole family get a turn before their turn comes around again. That way you can afford to justify buying a ticket to a gig (in non-lockdown times) or a new book/film/CD without feeling like you shouldn't because you're broke. It gives you back some control and spending power.

1. Look out for freebies. Don't be shy. Harder during Covid but still possible. DS is a master at this. Vodaphone apparently give out loads of free stuff all the time. I miss every offer. He scrutinises them. We have been to major ££££ music festivals for £5 a head; he still gets free coffees and lunches every week.

Meanwhile, have a think about how the mental skills you clearly could be used to increase your income in different ways from how you earn now. Obvious quick, immediate and convenient income includes tutoring in your subject at all levels. Think of your transferable skills and which industry might need them most. Being analytical, a lateral thinker, a quick thinker etc can be really useful in many industries other than your own specialism.

Thanks monkey. That's such a good list of ideas. Much appreciated.

Ive been wracking my brain for ideas to make my "brain" work for money. I've not yet found it!! I spend far too long on this hoping it would be a magic bullet out of this mess.

Can you tutor? Rates from £25-£200ph depending on level and area and who you are prepared to work for. Flexible work.