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Am I weird?

31 replies

martysouth · 17/10/2020 19:39

I'm nearly 60 now so it's kind of ok because I've got a fairly nice life but ever since I was a young teenager I've felt really weird and freaky. I'd really like to know if anyone feels the same.

In films, books, songs, popular culture, on MN, everywhere it seems totally normal that man love sex so much they will flirt with and pursue any women. Whereas women apparently aren't really bothered and have to be persuaded.

My whole life (until I was about 55) it's been the opposite for me. I love men, I love sex. I have often been in situations where I'd love to have fun like you read about in fiction or see in films. Only to have men become prissy and reticent.

For most of my adult life I have assumed that I have never been pestered for sex because I'm ugly. Now at age nearly 60 I look back and can see that although I was never stunning I was reasonably well presented, friendly and pleasant, sociable and ok looking.

Why have I never in my whole life had men desperate to pursue me? Apparently it's really annoying and one of the hazards of being a woman. But for me, men weren't really that keen. They wanted to be just friends. Apart from DH.

Has anyone else been in that situation? It's been a real problem for me. Loads of friends, happy life but men have never really been keen on me like you see in films. For example having to avoid their calls, hide from them, brush away their hands. Why is this?

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Radiatornoise · 17/10/2020 19:49

In films, books, songs, popular culture,

Here is your clue.

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 19:51

I get the felling this is something we are not supposed to talk about.

Men are insatiable
Women aren't really interested etc etc

If men don't pester you all the time you are weird

It's the way of the world

Except it's not been my experience at all. And despite a really happy life with lots of friends I feel a complete failure as a woman. Not once, ever have I been 'pestered' by a man.

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 19:56

In films, books, songs, popular culture,

Here is your clue.

Sorry but I don't understand how this is a clue?

Popular culture normally provides a kind of window to the world.

It's a cliche because apparently it's true. Men can't keep their hands off women. Women have to fight them off.

Except I have never, ever had to fight off a man.

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 20:01

Judging by the lack of replies I will have to assume I am weird.

I would love to know what it is.

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 20:14

Has nobody else had this experience? Really?

Is it really true that most men have overwhelming sex drives and most women don't or even if they do, they are discerning, chaste and sensible?

I truly do feel weird. Or stuck in 1955 with most people understanding me but not willing to admit it.

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 20:17

Tumbleweed

Embarrassment

Ok so sorry have to face the fact that am unattractive and oversexed

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ElPatito · 17/10/2020 20:20

Oh I totally agree. I don't actually believe that men have higher sex drives than women, but most of them won't admit to this. Very annoying when you're a women with a decent sex drive dealing with men that won't be honest about their low libidos.

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ElPatito · 17/10/2020 20:24

And most women friends I've discussed/moaned about this with agree too. I don't have any female friends that are pestered by their men for sex.

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EarlGreyJenny · 17/10/2020 20:26

So DH happily wanted to have sex with you? Are you just regretting a more exciting life?

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GeordieRacer · 17/10/2020 20:32

OP, this is real life, not the movies. You talk of 'pestering' and having to fight men off - that's sexual harassment. Eww.

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 20:48

Of course it goes without saying that harassment is vile and not something I wanted!

It's just that it seems to be 'normal' culturally that men are looking at women all the time and really, really keen to hook up with them whereas women are more reticent. But that hasn't been my experience at all.

I'm not oversexed (I don't think) and I think I'm an open, empathetic, sociable and averagely attractive person. But I've never had that much interest from men romantically or sexually. As friends, yes.

I feel really out of step because that's not 'natural'

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 20:51

Thank you EIpatito !

It's good to hear I'm not the only one.

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DorisDaisyMay · 17/10/2020 21:04

Well, I can say with unarrogant certainty that I am attractive. I also have the classic hourglass figure and am a size 8. With the exception of my husband I have never been pursued by any man. So I think the assumption that attractiveness and this goes together is false.

I don’t give off the signals, 2. I don’t go out on my own to clubs or places where I would meet anyone to be pursued. Do you?

I just don’t think much pursuing and erotic adventures really goes on!

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CrazyToast · 17/10/2020 21:06

My experience is that many men will ask for sex but run a mile if the woman seems in-control and up for it too. Not sure why, I guess they want to feel you are innocent and reluctant and they are persuading you.

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Halloweenies · 17/10/2020 21:10

On reddit there's a subreddit called deadbedrooms as far as I can see its usually women talking about how their husband doesn't want sex. In general on relationship threads - here, on reddit, on digital spy on Facebook groups etc it seems to be more women than men 'complaining' about a lack of sex life.

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Halloweenies · 17/10/2020 21:11

@ElPatito

Oh I totally agree. I don't actually believe that men have higher sex drives than women, but most of them won't admit to this. Very annoying when you're a women with a decent sex drive dealing with men that won't be honest about their low libidos.

I agree with that.

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 21:13

Thank you so much for replying doris !

It might be the case that in real life most people don't really pursue each other the way we all imagine because men and women are both equally wary of being rejected and are also mainly tired and living a low key life.

I wish there were more honesty about it though. I suspect few men over the age of 25 are randy sex machines and that men and women are actually evenly matched sexually.

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lazylinguist · 17/10/2020 21:13

No idea, OP. From what I've seen, men generally live up to the stereotype. I'm older now, but was averagely attractive when younger and had plenty of male attention, some of it certainly unwelcome. I'd say I was always much more interested in the flirting and the company than the physical side of things.

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TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 17/10/2020 21:17

It's actually a Victorian notion that women are chaste and need to be chased and that men have out of control libidos.

Prior to that, it was largely believed that women ought to be contained because of their libidinous and dangerous behaviour- their ability to drive a man to insanity through their sexual wiles was tantamount to devilry.

The truth is neither really. But we are socialised to believe and behave a certain way, there's still a hangover from the victorian period which was challenged by the free love movement and later the feminist sexual uprising of the 1960's.
As a result, we have a real mixed bag. Women are expected to be absolute sexpots, but also have to wait to be chased. Or they're a slag. But if they don't - they're frigid.
It's a mess.

My advice, is to read widely and don't be constricted by populist ideas of human behaviour.

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 21:36

It's silly really because I'm in late middle age now. But I've always been a bit sad about it. Men generally just wanted to be friends and then I wondered what was wrong with me. I was really quite nice looking when I was younger and very good company. I think I was fun, funny, open and considerate but that I failed as a woman.

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baobun · 17/10/2020 22:03

Is it really true that most men have overwhelming sex drives and most women don't or even if they do, they are discerning, chaste and sensible?

I certainly find my female friends like sex more than films etc portray & they certainly are visual which is apparently also not true.

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baobun · 17/10/2020 22:06

My experience is that many men will ask for sex but run a mile if the woman seems in-control and up for it too.

I agree with this. Obviously anecdotal but I spent a lot of time with my older brother & cousins & their friends. Girls who came on very strong (even when very attractive) tended to scare them.

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Anordinarymum · 17/10/2020 22:08

All my life from being 18 onwards I have been pestered by men. Whistled at in the street, hit upon by male workmates, bosses etc.. now I am over 60 and it's my daughter who is hit upon and I am ignored :)

It's fab.

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picklemewalnuts · 17/10/2020 22:14

@CrazyToast

My experience is that many men will ask for sex but run a mile if the woman seems in-control and up for it too. Not sure why, I guess they want to feel you are innocent and reluctant and they are persuading you.

I think it's this. I've been pestered and pursued when I wasn't interested. I wonder whether being 'up for it' is actually an offputting Signal for the most pestering types.

I was manhandled by randoms for most of my teens and young adulthood. I was probably about 30 before it stopped.

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martysouth · 17/10/2020 22:26

ordinarymum I know your experience is really common and it's awful. I definitely don't feel I've missed out on that!

It's just strange I have never experienced it because though horrible it's considered normal.

What I really wish I had experienced was the feeling I was really desired by a male friend ( not random men in the street).

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