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Original poster

Will my dd find her friend

50 replies

Notsurewhatsgoingon · 16/10/2020 16:43

Hello all,

My daughter is possible asd. She's waiting for diagnosis. She has had some issues understaning friendship, games and social expectations. She does cry an awful lot at school. With all that said she is loving and kind and does play OK most of the time and has gotten better with support from me and my husband.

I suppose her crying is off putting to some children and some parents have witnessed her screaming at parties etc.

Each child in her class has a special friend. A best friend. They meet up (pre covid) and walk to school together. They look for each other in the playground and go to each others houses for dinner or to sleep over etc.

I have invited lots of friends to our house and my daughter has been invited once or twice to houses but is rarely invited more than once.

I have made a big effort by having parties and dinners for a few girls or just one or two and I try make it fun. I have connected with a few parents and try to text and organise things and I do have some mum friends now from the school. But when it comes to invites my daughter never gets one regardless.

My daughter is very friend focused and it domanates alot of her time. She likes to make pictures and jewellery for her friends and talks about them constantly. She wants to belong. She has a low self esteem and is often left out at play time and will sit alone.

This week the children were asked to make a card for their special best friend and it was so lovely seeing them all come out holding each others cards and dd made a few people one but unfortunately didn't get one in return. All the children held hands with their best friend on the way out and my poor daughter was alone but running around from group to group trying to engage.

Some of the mums have organised a group sleep over for the children after restrictions and all the children are talking about it and the mums were laughing etc and my daughter said I wish I could go to a sleep over and just stood there. She never gets invited to these things. I just breezly said maybe next time and did not make a deal of it but I was a bit hurt for her.

After school it hurts to see children running along with their best friends and my daughter walking alone with me. It hurts heari h there weekend get togethers as best friends and seeing photos on social media and again my daughter does not have a relationship like that.

As she grows I wonder if she will find her people.
Has anyone experienced this?
Really feeling down about this today.

Thanks

OP posts:
Mydogisagentleman · 16/10/2020 16:47

How old is she?

Original poster
Notsurewhatsgoingon · 16/10/2020 16:48

She's 7.

OP posts:
peakygal · 16/10/2020 16:51

As the mother of a 7yo DD who also has ASD my heart breaks for your little girl...We are probably in different countries otherwise my DD would love to be your little girls friend x

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Families
EggysMom · 16/10/2020 16:54

Was the card making at school? As I'd be very disappointed in such a cliquey activity, it was bound to end in upset for at least one child

Original poster
Notsurewhatsgoingon · 16/10/2020 16:56

@EggysMom yes it was done over a few days in school. Dd told me about it the other day but they brought them home today.

OP posts:
MenaiMna · 16/10/2020 16:56

Big hug for you and your daughter we have just had our ASD assessment and the relief was palpable for her to hear she was okay and special in herself. Your daughter's wish for a friend will come true eventually.
But this:
"This week the children were asked to make a card for their special best friend" ...
was shitty teaching. How could they not see how that might turn out. That encourages exclusion!
Anyway - for years (through primary) I've just had to support DD and explain that not everyone she meets will be the right friend for her and encouraged her to just keep doing what she feels good doing/what she's good at and the right people will come along for her. Being friendly makes friends IYSWIM.
I say this as someone who had the same problems at that age, and, like her, I found my people in late primary, secondary and uni because there were more people to choose from - and they are still deeply satisfying friendships to this day. Push for a diagnosis early so you can find more tools to support her.

SmellyNoodle · 16/10/2020 17:02

I have a 7 year old DD with ASD too and have exactly the same issues here. Desperately wanting friends, makes her own friends out of paper and cardboard. She finds compromising hard and is fairly black and white about issues which makes maintaining a friendship difficult. I'm working on various skills with her but things can take months of constant reinforcement to sink in. I probably should join some ASD specific groups for her to meet more like minded children.

GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea · 16/10/2020 17:05

Exactly the same issues for my 10yo DD and my heart has broken over the years watching her flit around friendship groups trying to engage. She also makes pictures and bits and bobs for kids she calls 'friends' yet it's sadly not reciprocated. She's obsessed with having that special BFF and it's just so sad to see.

Mindymomo · 16/10/2020 17:06

I would have a word with her teacher, especially regarding the card, as this needs to be investigated why the teacher didn’t insist on every child getting a card. My son was very introvert and didn’t make friends easily, but fortunately for him there were 2 others in his class, one with autism and the other with special needs, these 2 boys invited my son to always play with him.

Mydarlingsleepthief · 16/10/2020 17:06

This breaks my heart 💔 your poor daughter and what a shitty thing for school to do

BogRollBOGOF · 16/10/2020 17:07

I would talk to the teacher. The activity was highly likely to be upsetting to someone in the class, and could be tweaked by allocating each child another to say something complimentary.

Does DD do anything like Brownies/ Beavers? They're good for structured mixing and not allowing cliques to dominate. Many units are running something at present. Lots of children with ASD or other neurodiversity like the structures and routines.

growinggreyer · 16/10/2020 17:07

I think you should feed this back to the teacher. They probably think they have done a successful week's teaching but actually they have made a situation worse. Your daughter was not aware until now of the social dynamics and could probably have gone all year thinking she had lots of friends. As she gets older she will mature and be able to fit in with the other children more, so she will hopefully be able to make firm friends. It is just a shame that she hasn't been given the space to do this in her own time.

JuliaJohnston · 16/10/2020 17:10

I'd be tempted to have a word with the teacher and make sure she understood the outcome of her tone deaf activity for your daughter.
What was the supposed purpose of this?!

MenaiMna · 16/10/2020 17:11

And meant to say DD has three very dear close friends now and a wider circle too. Hope!

Shinygoldbauble · 16/10/2020 17:11

My dd is 14. She has Sensory Processing disorder and OCD tendencies. She has always wanted a best friend. Sadly for her, although she has good friends, she has never found a true close friend.
She is lucky in that she has been invited to parties etc but fitting in has always been a struggle for her. She has been excluded at times too though and it's heart breaking.
She's a cheerful soul though and she ploughs along. Secondary school has been better. She has some friends just not a really close confidante yet.

Mydogisagentleman · 16/10/2020 17:12

It’s heartbreaking. The teacher should be strung up, I honestly can’t imagine why she thought such a stupid idea was a good one.
My daughter was similar, I bent over backwards to accommodate her ‘Friends’.
She eventually made good friends with a boy who remains one of her closest pals.
She’s just gone to university and it appears to be continuing.
She is quirky and inflexible and refuses to see any one else’s point of view politically so has fallen out with 49% of her halls of residence.
She’s studying maths so could confidently give me that figure!

MenaiMna · 16/10/2020 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Notsurewhatsgoingon · 16/10/2020 17:13

Thanks for the replies. Just reading them now.

She used to go to rainbows but found it quite overwhelming and would often cry. She did keep going as I used to run the group but we have not restarted since lockdown and she's now brownie age.
I have signed her up to a group to do with confidence and drama etc which I think she will love and she will start that next week. Hopefully she will find like minded people there.

Sorry to hear of all the other dcs in the same position. Its heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Shinygoldbauble · 16/10/2020 17:15

Dd also had a time at school where they had to name th Erie best friends. At the time she was friendly with 2 girls. She thought the three of them were 'best friends ' but they named each other and no one picked her. I don't know why some teachers persist with these sorts of activities.

formerbabe · 16/10/2020 17:17

@EggysMom

Was the card making at school? As I'd be very disappointed in such a cliquey activity, it was bound to end in upset for at least one child
I agree. What a horrible task.

Flowers for you op. It's really hard. My dd is a lovely girl but in a cliquey class, both the kids and mums, so really struggles. She does have a few good friends but isn't invited to things really. Actually reading your post, I wonder if it's the mums influence on these girls? All the sleepovers sound a bit much to me.

LynetteScavo · 16/10/2020 17:24

Have you made any special friends with the other mums OP?

My DS would not have been invited to parties, if it wasn't for the other mums inviting him just because they were friends with me on the playground.

My DDs only real close friend is the DD of mine and DHs good friends.

Not everyone has a best friend in class, in fact I think it's unusual to have just one best friend at primary school.

I'd raise it with the teacher that your DD didn't get card. That's really not on, and the teacher should have engineered it better

growinggreyer · 16/10/2020 17:30

In fact, some schools I have taught at have made a point of not allowing talk of best friends as it is exclusionary,. Sometimes children have to move and they lose their 'bestie' and also that as personality changes so much through primary school they don't often leave with the same friends they made in Yr R.

You sound so sensible and kind, I'm sure your daughter will learn so much from you and you will guide her to find her people. Flowers

Looneytune253 · 16/10/2020 17:31

Ah bless. Not sure whether this will help or hinder but my daughter (undiagnosed) is probably autistic. She always tends to say the wrong thing or doesn't get the social cues so went all through primary without a friend group. Teachers always reassured me she was always happy and playing tho but since she's been at high school (she's 16 now) she's been like a little social butterfly. She has so many friends but doesn't 'get' the teen girl drama. She has many friends out of school too and can barely keep her in the house.

BigcatLittlecat · 16/10/2020 17:36

I'm a teacher and I think that is an outrageous activity! If I did anything like that I would have made sure that everyone had a card! That's tough for your DD.
Just continue what you are doing.

2bazookas · 16/10/2020 17:59

@peakygal

As the mother of a 7yo DD who also has ASD my heart breaks for your little girl...We are probably in different countries otherwise my DD would love to be your little girls friend x
When I was a little girl, penfriends was a big thing (international too). We sent each other letters, postcards of where we lived etc. Some of mine lasted years. I should have thought ASD kids could really enjoy that kind of friendship ; and they can talk on whatsapp too.
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