Will my dd find her friend

[Notsurewhatsgoingon]

Hello all,

My daughter is possible asd. She's waiting for diagnosis. She has had some issues understaning friendship, games and social expectations. She does cry an awful lot at school. With all that said she is loving and kind and does play OK most of the time and has gotten better with support from me and my husband.

I suppose her crying is off putting to some children and some parents have witnessed her screaming at parties etc.

Each child in her class has a special friend. A best friend. They meet up (pre covid) and walk to school together. They look for each other in the playground and go to each others houses for dinner or to sleep over etc.

I have invited lots of friends to our house and my daughter has been invited once or twice to houses but is rarely invited more than once.

I have made a big effort by having parties and dinners for a few girls or just one or two and I try make it fun. I have connected with a few parents and try to text and organise things and I do have some mum friends now from the school. But when it comes to invites my daughter never gets one regardless.

My daughter is very friend focused and it domanates alot of her time. She likes to make pictures and jewellery for her friends and talks about them constantly. She wants to belong. She has a low self esteem and is often left out at play time and will sit alone.

This week the children were asked to make a card for their special best friend and it was so lovely seeing them all come out holding each others cards and dd made a few people one but unfortunately didn't get one in return. All the children held hands with their best friend on the way out and my poor daughter was alone but running around from group to group trying to engage.

Some of the mums have organised a group sleep over for the children after restrictions and all the children are talking about it and the mums were laughing etc and my daughter said I wish I could go to a sleep over and just stood there. She never gets invited to these things. I just breezly said maybe next time and did not make a deal of it but I was a bit hurt for her.

After school it hurts to see children running along with their best friends and my daughter walking alone with me. It hurts heari h there weekend get togethers as best friends and seeing photos on social media and again my daughter does not have a relationship like that.

As she grows I wonder if she will find her people.
Has anyone experienced this?
Really feeling down about this today.

Thanks

The activity at school was poorly thought out. I really feel for your dc.

There's an intervention called Circle of Friends that I have implemented successfully in schools. It's aimed at supporting children with SEN, but it is quite outing for the child and depends if your dc would want others to know about the things she finds difficult. When done properly it's lovely.

www.edplace.com/blog/send/how-to-create-a-circle-of-friendship

That takes me right back to DD's primary school, nearly 20 years ago. I could have written that, and more about how my DD with ASD was treated. I'm so sorry things have not progressed in some schools during that time.

With hindsight, I'd say ask them once to change the system, but if she's still rejected, then find her a more inclusive school. I wish I had done, but it was a long time ago, no support groups or any info easily available.

Please remember, most kids with AN are emotionally around two-thirds of their chronological age. Emotionally she's under 5, yet expected by peers and teachers to be able to cope the same as all the 7 year olds - small wonder she cries or gets overwhelmed. for you and for her.

Bless her. I'm sure she will find her place. My ds has asd and also struggles to fit in and it does break your heart. And I also echo pp posters and really am shocked a teacher thought that kind of activity was a good idea! I mean it was bound to upset someone in the class! Totally thoughtless

Aw this is heartbreaking for your little girl. I think it’s incredibly insensitive of your daughters teacher to pursue activities like this, has she not noticed that your daughter is struggling to connect with the other children? Either way, it’s poor teaching on her behalf.

I would definitely speak to her and possibly the head teacher. I hate the concept of ‘best friends’, like others have said it excludes usually the less confident children and creates conflict between groups. Everyone remembers ‘your not my best friend this week’ type behaviour from their own childhoods I’m sure - I thought schools knew better than to encourage this sort of thing these days!

@yankeetid2020 thanks for the intervention suggested il pass this to her teachers as I think it could be useful.

Thanks again for all the replies. Your right it was a rubbish activity really. I'm going to bring this up with the teacher I think.

I feel better from reading the comments about how dc found friends eventually.

Dd is getting more used to doing her own thing such as art which she is quite gifted at and so enjoys alone time to do that. She took a book to school today to read at playtime so she's occupied without having to find someone to play with.

@EggysMom

Was the card making at school? As I'd be very disappointed in such a cliquey activity, it was bound to end in upset for at least one child

I agree. That was very poorly handled by the staff. Furthermore, I'd say that it would allow some children the opportunity to bully others by deliberately excluding them.

@Notsurewhatsgoingon
If your dc is good at art, school should be really celebrating her strengths. Have you spoken to her teacher? Could you ask if your dc can show off some of her art work? Or are there art clubs at school she could join?

If she’s isolated to the point of having to take a book for lunchtime, school really should have addressed this already. Really poor of them OP. Hopefully they will do more to help your DD mix after you raise this with them. Possibly a bit extreme but is moving schools an option?

My girl was the same. She's on the spectrum but hides it well. Other kids just don't get her though. She spent all of her primary education on the fringes, left out of everything. She was pretty stoic but I know inside she was upset. She's an only child too, which doesn't help.
Secondary was the making of her though. She found her tribe, found her bestie and now she's in 2nd year she is much happier.
Oh, and as a teacher, that activity was horrible. Each child should have received a card. Not to mention practising inclusion and stopping the cliques forming.

That was a really shit activity op and I would absolutely speak to the teacher. I guarantee your dd won't have been the only one that was upset by it.

I have a 12 year old dd who is diagnosed with ASD. She's just started year 8 and finally has a group of friends (it's early days, but so far so good!) I think it really helps that her peers are now old enough to understand her differences, and she in turn is able to better explain her needs and her feelings.

It will come op

Talk to the teacher about supporting her to make friends.

I dont think it is always helpful to encourage best friends. Young dc can have lots of friends.

It gets better as they get older because there is less emphasis on a best friend and they start hanging round in larger groups.

My dd struggled to find a best friend at school but she did find some in activities outside of school. Dance and also cheerleading are very inclusive activities, and she has made really strong friendships through both.

Dd was in a similar position at 7. She didn't get her diagnosis until Y4. It is heart breaking knowing they want a best friend and would be loyal and kind to that friend, but knowing it isn't happening.
She's at secondary now. No best friend as such but she does have a group of friends around her. She does get invited out and it is OK. I think she might even have made a couple of new friends recently as well.
It's not easy but things improved slowly.

I'm really sorry to hear that this has happened to your dd.

My 12 year old daughter started secondary school last year and one of her (new) best friends is a girl with asd. Obviously they are older than your dd, so have more understanding etc.

They have become really good friends and there's a small group of them that stick together and make sure that she isn't left out. I hope that this is the case with your dd soon and that she will find her people, they are out there xx

I was v similar to your daughter. I had some friendship groups at high school but have made two long lasting friends. I found it easier at university where I joined the international society and got on better with people from cultures that are more upfront / direct. I find British social interactions opaque and confusing as anything.

Your daughter will get there OP and you are doing a great job helping her. I second the penfriend suggestion if such a thing (pen and paper, or controlled email) still exists - I had some overseas penpals (in the 1990s) and that was easier as you can redraft letters and take your time. Plus if it goes wrong they aren't in school with you forever!

@CamdenLurker

I'm really sorry to hear that this has happened to your dd.

My 12 year old daughter started secondary school last year and one of her (new) best friends is a girl with asd. Obviously they are older than your dd, so have more understanding etc.

They have become really good friends and there's a small group of them that stick together and make sure that she isn't left out. I hope that this is the case with your dd soon and that she will find her people, they are out there xx

By 'they' I mean the other kids understand that she struggles with certain things but know that it's just who she is and try and help her when they can.

I'm not getting this at all.

So all these Y3 children are being put into "special friend" pairs and this includes out of school activities too (you mention sleepovers?)

There seems to be way, way too much focus on narrowing friendship groups. At this age they should be learning how to mic with everyone and not engaging in such suffocating relationships?

DC1 is Y3. His school is nothing like this.

Firstly, you say ALL the class has a special friend each, this can’t be right, it may just seem that way as you seem to view all the children in pairs and that’s just not how kids play.
Secondly, no teacher would have kids making a card for each other and leave a child out, I’m guessing your daughter lost hers or the child that was making hers was off sick and didn’t finish it and will when they get back etc. If not, that def needs addressing as that’s ridiculous.

@Crunchymum most have happened naturally, for example children who are neighbours or went to the same pre school.
Some are organised by parents. For example one mum insisted on pushing her dd on one of the other girls, I could see it so clearly it was almost embarrassing for her and the other girls mum was aware but too polite to say anything. Last week she posted a photo with the caption 'besties' on her social media and I thought it was a bit cringe but hey ho.
Im happy for my dd to play with lots of children, it's just sad that she doesn't have a close relationship with any of them or get invited out.

Your poor DD
I also have a 6 year old with ASD and I often watch her on the way to and from school try to engage with her peers and miss the mark nearly every time.
My DD doesn't yet realise that the other children are ignoring her often rolling their eyes as she talks to them but she will do one day and this is a huge fear of mine.
I have no advice OP but know that you are not alone.

Hello my son is 7 and we are going through the same sadness. He was diagnosed with asd in July
He is desperate for friends but often none of the children want to play with him at school. The teacher has a little rota of who he will play with in different days. He said his ‘best’ friend cried today as he didn’t want to play with my ds. It breaks my heart.

I am good friends with a few mums and he occasionally gets invited round. We make a lot of effort to invite children here too but he does struggle to play with them , often becoming engrossed in what he wants to do, alienating the other child.

He enjoys playing with the girls, but they are of an age where they are getting cliquey and exclude him as he is not a girl.

He doesn’t have many interests that the other boys do and they don’t want him to play football.

He says he cries at school a lot. I struggle to know what to say to him and try to stay positive but it breaks my heart.

I hope that as he becomes more understanding of his world and gets older, that he will find a friend. I just want him to be happy!

What a horrible class activity:( surely they should have made sure everyone got at least one card:(
My daughter is 6 and very similar to yours. She's been lucky in that she has managed a couple of friendships, but she doesn't really choose good friends if you see what I mean, a couple of children really seem to enjoy sending her into meltdown, probably curiosity but it makes me sad for her. She's never been invited to another childs house to play. But we have play dates here. At the moment I do one each week, helps her to practice social skills and have something to talk about that's outside school. I also take some children to school in the morning 3 days a week and she does enjoy the walking in with them, she doesn't have 1 best friend...but her school always seem to encourage inclusivity and kindness.

This is a heartbreaking read.

I don’t have ASD but just wanted to say that for other reasons I also struggled making friends at school and many times it was painfully obvious that I didn’t have a special friend. It was tough and it was sad, but I got through it, and it wasn’t all bad every single day.

At this stage in life I’m much more confident and relaxed and only since my late twenties have I had actual friends and also close friends. Interestingly they are all older than me by 5-10 years.

Sometimes the thing we forget is that the people we go to school with are just people who happened to be born around the same time as us. The actual people we connect with, especially if we are ‘different’ in some way, often bear no resemblance to our peers in school. It’s similar for a few of my friends too.

Girls are sold the ‘best friend’ narrative so hard. And it is simply not true or realistic for many many girls. And there is nothing wrong with that. I’ve taught my daughter from a young age that there’s often no such thing as a best friend, but you can still have regular friends and people who you are just friendly with.

Outside of school where possible focus on activities that bring out your daughter’s strengths. If her self esteem is solid then she’ll manage on her own path and eventually find her kindred spirits (hopefully much much earlier than I did).

And btw - if my dd was in your dds class and I knew about her struggles I would definitely include her in some things. Other parents have a responsibility too to make their kids inclusive.

It sounds bizarre at your kid's school. Like Stepford Wives for kids. Little girls pairing off like this in my experience will probably get in squabbles and friendships will fracture and reform. If you made friends at preschool, the likelihood is you will grow and change a lot and find someone else who is more fun.

She doesnt need a single best friend, she just needs a handful of fairly good friends. My DD is friends with a Muslim girl at school who, for obscure religious reasons, is prohibited from seeing other kids socially. She is a quiet kid - my DD calls her invisible as no one ever notices her - but my DD loves her just the same. Somewhere on your kid's school, there is a buddy waiting for her. Be patient, keep doing what you are doing.

PS Has she had any luck playing with boys? They can be a lot of fun. Don't be telling me all the boys have paired off, I won't be believing you...

This is sad OP. Your DD needs to engage with other children similar to herself. Otherwise her confidence will always be knocked making friends with someone and then it fizzles out quickly.