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I'm jealous

52 replies

IndieRo · 13/10/2020 16:36

So jealous of my future SIL and BIL at the minute. I know it's wrong but it's eating me up. Bit of background, over the last two years they have bought a fabulous, quite expensive home and decorated it completely including, attic conversion, garage, garden etc, mortgage will be paid in 5 years, had a new baby and got engaged... The ring is huge. I'm very fond of my sil but I'm jealous. How can I overcome this. I need some perspective please.

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FlorenceNightshade · 13/10/2020 16:40

Bit of a cliche but you’ve no idea what goes on behind closed doors or what their relationship is really like.

What do you have in your life that your grateful for, what do you have that money can’t buy?

IME it’s ok to have pangs of jealousy but if you dwell too much it becomes unhealthy. Focus on you, your goals and dreams and making them happen

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IndieRo · 13/10/2020 17:22

@FlorenceNightshade, I have a lot I'm grateful for, three beautiful healthy children, my husband is my best friend and we have a great relationship, we have a house in a sought after area. I'm just finding it hard to get my head around how much they have in a short space if time. Although they are together 14 years the money has only started rolling in the last four years as BIL works abroad. I think also when mil said to my children that mil and bil were the rich ones now and not mil and fil.

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Anordinarymum · 13/10/2020 17:23

Stop being like this you will become bitter and resentful

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FlorenceNightshade · 13/10/2020 17:26

Sounds like your BIL has perhaps sacrificed some family life to work abroad and that’s a choice that not everyone would make.

What weird thing for your MIL to say, is being “richest” important to them or your kids?

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Merename · 13/10/2020 17:27

OP, there is no one who doesn’t struggle in life. Some do more than others, but everyone suffers. Even in its most basic form, everyone suffers from ageing, sickness and death, and a whole load of other problems and inconveniences in between. Maybe this is showing you how you feel about your own suffering and the graft that you have been through. It’s still possible to be happy for them, it’s only stuff and will not produce happiness in the end.

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IndieRo · 13/10/2020 17:27

@Anordinarymum that's why I posted, I don't want to feel this way and I'm looking for ways to improve it.

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Anordinarymum · 13/10/2020 17:29

Is this a cultural thing OP ? Are you expected to be high earners by family?

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emilybrontescorsett · 13/10/2020 17:30

Is this your husbands sister or brother?
Why are you jealous when you already have a happy marriage and children?
So what if they have lots of money. He works away and she will have to look after the kids on her own an awful lot. Lots of compromises to be made from the sounds of it.

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Asterion · 13/10/2020 17:31

It's good that you have acknowledged your feelings. Jealousy is a natural emotion, but it can be useful - it can point out areas in which we feel we could be doing better ourselves. Are there areas in which you feel you could be making more of an effort? Maybe you could turn your resentment into actions.

I don't quite understand what your MIL said, though Hmm

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MuserOwl · 13/10/2020 17:35

Google scarcity mindset.

Xx

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IndieRo · 13/10/2020 17:46

It's my husbands brother, the comment mil made is quite normal for her as money is very important to her, also feel it was one of her passive aggressive comments. She does this frequently. The earning money is not a cultural thing. Yes BIL is sacrificing family time, this is true and I know sil can struggle with the the baby and their 11 year but she has an excellent family and support system that allows BIL to work abroad. I suppose me and my DH have always worked hard and we haven't reaped the benefits they have in such a short space of time. Prior to BIL working abroad they didn't work and were on benefits, sil only gave back her book a couple of months ago, she was claiming as a lone parent the last 11 years, obviously she wasn't. The jealousy comes from them never working to now having a lot in a short space of time.

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krustykittens · 13/10/2020 17:51

Sometimes I get jealous of my SIL too, OP. She lives in an immaculate house, has a cleaner and seems to have no budget when it comes to spending, on her house, her kids or herself. She is also very slender and blonde. She and her life look like something out of a magazine. Then DH reminds me that if I didn't have a menagerie of animals and a flurry of yearly vet bills, I could probably be a bit more like her (except the slender and blonde bit). I made my choices, my life is a really good one. It sounds a lot like yours, actually - a great husband who I still adore after 25 years, smart, healthy, happy kids, a lovely home. But I do still feel a bit of a pang of jealousy when she shows off yet another expensive outfit on a girl's night out that she has had her hair especially done for. And that is OK. We all feel we want to borrow other people's lives from time to time, everything always looks better from the outside. The trick is not to let a negative emotion consume you or blind you to what is good in your life. You've acknowledged it to yourself, that might be enough. I also remind myself when the jealousy feels like it is biting deep that to have her life I would have to be married to my BIL and he's an arsehole! Grin

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emilybrontescorsett · 13/10/2020 17:53

She has been fraudulently claiming benefits for 11 years, is that correct. No wonder they have an amazing house and could spend the time and money on it. I wouldn’t be jealous of them, I would be ashamed.

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krustykittens · 13/10/2020 17:58

Just read your update, OP. I tall sounds a bit suspicious - going from fraudulently claiming benefits to having loads of cash to flash in a few months? Sounds like a house of cards to me. You may not have as much to be jealous of as you think.

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nimbuscloud · 13/10/2020 17:59

Is your bil a drug lord?

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peboh · 13/10/2020 18:02

Have they received inheritance to help pay for their mortgage? It's a bit bizarre that they suddenly went off benefits and could get a mortgage with only 5 years left. Also are they married? If so there's no way she's fraudulently claimed benefits for 11 years unless they were separated and he was living elsewhere. All sounds a bit fishy to me.

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peboh · 13/10/2020 18:03

Oh sorry just re read and saw they're engaged. Who was help them with the fraud then and stating he was living with them? Was it his parents?

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Totickleamockingbird · 13/10/2020 18:05

If it walks like a duck...

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goldrabbit22 · 13/10/2020 18:10

We all feel we want to borrow other people's lives from time

I love that phrase - very perceptive.

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SonjaMorgan · 13/10/2020 18:11

It isn't a competition and your in-laws success isn't having a negative impact on you. Your jealousy will consume you. Focus on all the things you have to be grateful for and stop buying into the fallacy that a bigger house and more money would make you happy.

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Cantdoitallperfectly · 13/10/2020 18:28

Do you feel a sense of injustice that you’ve worked hard over the years while they’ve been Fraudulently claiming benefits and now suddenly they’ve come into all this money? I would feel that tbh. Like a PP said I would be ashamed of that.
Jealousy is hard but it’s good that you’re being honest with yourself.

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nearertonature · 13/10/2020 18:36

I have a lot I'm grateful for, three beautiful healthy children, my husband is my best friend and we have a great relationship, we have a house in a sought after area

I had sympathy until this. Your life is rich with love and support and friendship, and you have material security and even affluence, and you are eaten up because someone has even more material affluence that even you?
The only thing I can suggest is to ensure a genuine disaster befalls you or your loved ones so that you will then have the perspective to realise how shallow and awful you are being now.

Or maybe you could devote your spare time to volunteering to help people really are up against the shit so that you learn to shift that obsessive focus from yourself to someone else.

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Oxyiz · 13/10/2020 18:48

Well at least you know what the problem is - your jealousy, not their situation. The only thing you can work on is how you react. Can you start practicing more gratefulness for what you have?

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IndieRo · 13/10/2020 18:52

@nearertonature, myself and DH have worked for everything we have. It's very disheartening when other people get it for free. How dare you suggest that I am shallow and that I ont know what ré hardship is. I have gone through many difficulties and hardships in my life. I grew up without my parents from the age of 12, I also had a stillborn baby born at full term, I have endured many operations due to an illness I have.... Is that enough hardship for you you idiot. Im also going through the process of becoming a foster parent and I volunteer in my children's school regularly. Is rha enough. You missed the whole point of my thread.

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AuntieJoyce · 13/10/2020 19:06

@Totickleamockingbird

If it walks like a duck...

I think this one has an altogether heavier footstep
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