Made a mes of my life and don't know what to do now

[Zazacat76]

I went to art school and since then have done a variety of work such as making work, some curating and teaching, I also received in work benefits as a self employed person. While I have had some arts funding over the years most of it was available as grants for emerging artists and it mostly dried up about 8 - 10 years ago. The work I make isn't made to be beautiful and is made using mostly reclaimed materials. I do exhibit my work in respected galleries but I do not generally sell my work as it tends to be site specific and not the sort of thing people install in their homes and offices and that was never my intention.

A few years ago the coservative government made changes to benefits for self employed people which meant that it was a lot harder for artists to continue to claim top up benefits as you had to show you were earning a certain amount to be eligible and if not then you were requiried to undertake mandatory job seeking activity.

Around this time my partner (who is in much the same situation as me an artist who's main work in bars and construction has dried up due to covid) and I decided that this would be a good time to start trying for a baby and I had a little girl. My plan at this point was to continue with my art career and to try and move into teaching at an art school as a means of income. I have done some adhoc tutoring in the past and have good connections with my old art school. To this end I decided to do a Phd (at an art school) which is a blend of thesis and studio work. I applied to a few and was accepted to an art school phd programme in another city about 50 miles away.

Because of this I was able to secure some funding. It was tough what with the commute, my daughter still being so young, not living in the city where my art school was based without easier access to its resources, money being very tight but I felt that it was work it as it would open doors to a teaching career in academia.

However since I started my phd things aren't going to plan. I am perimenopausal which affects my energy and ability to concentrate. My relationship is strained and I was finding the commute much harder than I thought i would even if its not every day, often I just didn't want to have to do it. Now with covid and all the changes that has brought about the possibility of me getting a secure teaching position anywhere looks vanishingly small, all the positive noises I was hearing from my old institution have gone very quiet. I am starting to feel like by the time this is all over, and when I get my phd, if I get it I'll be pushing 50 pretty old to be trying to get into academia.

I am mid 40's, and I want a nice standard of living, I want nice things! 15 years ago living in a shared or grotty flat was fine, it was an adventure and who knew what the future would hold but now at my age its depressing and grim, I feel like I am getting old fast because I can't afford the sort of self care other women my age can.

I just don't know what to do, and am seriously thinking of packing in my art "phd" and seeing if there is anything else i can do to try and improve my standard of living in the future. I really believed in my work but looking at it now I feel foolish to have wasted so much time and energy on a product that nobody really wants. I'm not an important artist, my work will be forgotton as soon as I stop pushing it. At least old art school friends who do commercial work like illustration or design make an income from their work. I have thought about trying to make more commercial work but I haven't drawn or painted in years and was never very good at it and I don't have any useful digital skills for art and even if I did it is so competitive.

I just feel like the career path and networks I have been working on for almost 20 years has been ripped away from me before I ever got where I wanted to go and at 44 with no savings and no home (we rent) that my options are very limited and that I've been fooling myself for years about my career.

I would stick with your PhD. Things will change in a few years. Hopefully we will be rid of this virus. And what an achievement to get a PhD!. It will undoubtedly put you in a better position for a teaching appointment. How many days a week do you have to travel in? Can you minimise that?

At the moment I don't have to travel in very often due to covid restrictions which is better isn some ways but then I feel very disconnected from my work and all the symposiums and so on are cancelled or virtual so it isn't the same. Also its an art school phd which really isn't the same as stem or even traditionally academic phd. It doesn't hold much value outside the art world and art teaching. I''ve been doing some reading about them recently and they make money for the art schools and are a product of "education inflation" there actually value is considered questionable.

I have started now so perhaps it would be best to see it through but I do feel like I need a break from it for a while.

A lot of have not exactly maximised our potential! (That's putting it mildly, some of us have really messed up ) What is important is planning for the future, you have 20 years or so of working years so do something you can see yourself being happy doing.

Being an artist is always going to be risky. After 20 years I honestly think you shouldn't expect the tax payer to be subsiding your art through in work benefits, that's why support for artists tends to only be for the early years, if you haven't "made it" its time for a rethink. Same goes for many of us, I applied for a call centre job today, I plan events usually.

It's a hard message I know and I wish you all the best but you can't assume that a big break is just around the corner for ever

This is hard. You’ve persued a passion hoping and believing that eventually it would come good for you. I know a couple of others in the same position as you but crucially they have back up either in the form of a partner or parents who can bank roll them and I think this is very common. You need to think about how you can use your creative skills commercially I suppose, things like product design.

I'm an artist and do other bits of work on the cultural sector. I'm younger than you but identify with what you are saying so much! It's a really really hard area to work in. I feel like I spend my life being rejected! I understand the standard of living thing.

I have a partner who works in a different sector and earns a good steady salary. I sepent a lot of time working in the charity sector with communities to build experience and then moved into engagement work in museums and galleries. While trying to maintain my practice. So I feel I haven't been able to develop my career as an artist as much as I'd like.

I think it's about balance and trying to work out what your priorities are. For me I want to do this type of work but I don't want to have a really hard life to do it.

Times are really hard now so I'm not surprised you feel bad. I'd continue with the PhD. I know lots of people who work in art schools and it's something I used to want to do. But I don't think working for universities and collages is particularly nice and not very reliable. Could you try to get experience to do something to support your practice such as working for cultural organisations?

I don't know you, so I don't know if I have seen your work or not, but either way I have to tell you you are wrong about so many things. This is a crisis of confidence, nothing more. You have worked so hard and now your work is not insignificant, it is your legacy. It will probably be celebrated for generations by your own family and beyond. You may well be inspiring someone close to you right now.
By all means be realistic about paying the bills, do whatever it takes but don't lose sight of yourself or your passion. Lots of artists work in banks, shops, offices etc. But if you are creative then you need to create as well as earning a wage. So you might as well kill two birds with one stone if you possibly can and continue on your path. The other path leads neither to success or happiness. Stick with this, be prepared to wait it out until the teaching opportunity presents itself, stay true to your talent, you have it for a reason.

How about a website offering online art tuition. Of course that cant be set up overnight but it's worth thinking about in the long term. I don't think you should be too hasty about giving up your PhD. Or try submitting an article to an Art magazine. I don't know how well paid that is.

I was you! I did sell but not enough. I quit and went in to nursing of all things!
If you have started your PHD it’s probably worth seeing it through but maybe use this Covid pause as a rethink.
Btw, don’t go into nursing!

I totally understand wanting a reasonable standard of living, and if you refocus you career that does not take away from the art you have already created.

I wonder if there is somewhere you could access career advise?

I think that some career advice is a god idea but its difficult as there is no clear career progression path in art. I think I was pinning a lot on the idea of making an income by teaching in an art school but what I am hearing from friends and contacts is that these oppertunities are disappearing fast. Its already heavily over subscribed and being realistic by the time things improve I'll be in my 50's and competing with people a lot younger then me with more exciting careers.

I really feel like my career has slowed down a lot now that i no longer qualify as an emerging artist, I'm barely a puttering along artist these days.

I've never sold a peice of my work, I don't have a gallery. I've had funding to put on a show and some arts council money but my past body of work isn't a source of income for me. I came up in a bit of an art bubble in my home city which has a good art scene but there is little money here. I have exhibited internationally in group shows but this doesn't really translate to any success I can trade on and I'm constantly competing with younger artists who are seen as more exciting. I will always make work but I need to be realistic as my art will not make my any money and teaching is going to be tough. I am not even sure I have the technical skills to teach high school art.

I have done some community arts in the past but that has stopped now and again its very competetive. A friend of mine did a post grad in art therapy but there is vanishingly small amounts of paid work in that area.

I will look at other cultural art institutions but I'm in a city with few such organisations and very few paid roles attached to them and lots of younger gradutes with no caring commitments working for free or very little. I know I am being negative but I don't know how I could compete with them.

Yes having a higher earning partner seems to be typical of a lot of artists I know which allows them to do bits of paid work, make their art and have their lifestyle paid for by a higher earning partner. In my case my partner is an artist himself, he did work in pubs and some construction type work but he is working a lot less now due to the pandemic and he is in his late 40's now and not enjoying working pub shifts anymore. The financial strain we are both under as well as frustration with our careers is not helping our relationship. I am finding it hard to talk to him about my current concerns as we pinned all our hopes on my being able to get a well paid teaching job.

I just feel I can't afford to fritter away any remaining time and energy. I want a better standard of living for myself and my daughter so much. I might not care so much if it was just me and my partner but as I said before it is different when you get a bit older, draughty, mouldy flats and second hand everything just doesn't cut it anymore. I felt like crying when I was in boots the other day and couldn't afford to get myself a decent mosituriser or a hair dye.

I feel like the scales have fallen from my eyes.

I just need a break and a rethink, I will see if i can get some time away from my phd. I won't go into nursing but have considered caring as there always seems to be work in that area but it feels like a massive step back or away from what I hoped for ( not that I don't respect what carers do its just not what i have been working for).

Thanks for all the replies I have a lot ot o consider.

Sorry I'm aware i am sounding very negative but I am in a bit of a panic and the moment and just need some headspace to try and figure things out.

How far are you through your PhD? Is it funded or are you self funded?

Obvious career woukd be an art teacher in a school?

Its hard to make a living in the arts or academia and often the lucky ones get chosen/have their careers accelerated early on and or are chosen by more senior academic mentors Its so hard.

I was single late 20's and in a similiar type of career and opted out though if i had a partner i may have chosen differently. TBh cant say i regret it.

also to add academic jobs are very unstable and contract based with finding all being last minute and so on i think it is mis sold as a premium job when its not young researchers are often poorly treated in having unstable work etc

@cheshirecat777 I have partial studentship, but it is tough being over 40, 30 even as other educational grants and so on are often for younger people. I am ok for now but future concerns about funding are part of the issue.

Yes teaching art in a school would seem to be the most obvious option except that I would have to do a teaching qualificiation and my drawing, painting, design etc are rusty, if not poor. My work was more assembling found objects and interventions so I haven't done any drawing or painting for years, not since the first year of my undergrad.

I do have contacts in academia but while i was perviously hearing positive things now they are all pretty negative and worried about their own jobs.

I wish I had seen more clearly at a younger age as i feel trapped now between pursuring something that is unlikely to work out and switching to a low paid job I wouldn't need any qualifications for.

I'd like to say I got a 1st for my Undergrad and I have an MFA.

If anyone has children thinking of going to art school I'd get them to consider it very carefully especially if they are thinking of doing fine art as opposed to a commercial art.

I'm not quite sure if the PhD is fully funded, or if you got some funding but are paying for some it yourself via loans or other sources?

If it is funded I think you should definitely press on. If you are accumulating debt, is there an option to leave with MPhil or something after a couple of years?

Although if you are using a postgrad government loan, the debt isn't really a worry as it's more like a tax.

I think you're being really hard on yourself. You are only 44, you will be able to harness your creativity and use it to generate income in a different area. Do you live in a large city?

What are you interested in? What are you good at, besides making your week?

As an artist you will have other skills you don't even realise - for example you mention grant funding. Writing grant applications is a desirable skill in the non profit sector. Okay, so maybe you don't want to work for a charity, but there is a lot of interesting work in the third sector and it tends to be good for work/ life balance - which means you might still have time to make your own work.

Have a look at creative roles in advertising, and see if any of those might interest you.

I've just seen you mention your MFA. Is that not enough to teach in the UK, at pre-university level?

Could you run portfolio preparation courses for kids applying to art school?

Out of curiosity, where is your MFA from? The Royal College of Art used to be the place to go if you wanted a good shot at 'making it' as an artist, but wondering if that's different now these days.

@AbsentmindedWoman I am wrangling my daughter here as well as trying to read your thoughtful reply! I think perhaps I could teach at a FE college but have been told I'd need to commit to a teaching qualification. My MFA is from GSA as is my undergrad (lots of successful graduates) which is or at least used to be considered an excellent art school. I know two people who went to the RCA one is a very successful graphic designer and the other is a stay at home mum with a rich husband.

I will take on board what you say about the grant writing skills as I haven't considered that.

Hi yes hear wha you are saying about teaching however its probably the most secure switch you could make

arts and cultural organisations tend to be underfunded, understaffed and like academia they are often dependant on continuous grant funding meaning poor job security.

wishing you well in whatever lies ahead

i also need to career change and am similar age so i feel your pain

also re teaching if it is of any interest there are on the job training schemes with decent bursaries attached cant remember the name but if you google ways into teaching

also if housing is an issue could you get housing association or council housing may be of a higher standard than private rented

Just wanted to throw a random idea out there, you mentioned your art uses recycled materials.... I’m a trustee for a local reuse / repurpose charity. We don’t do it but I know of another one that allows artists to turn the waste material into art and sell in the shop, we do more basic stuff like bird boxes etc.
But basically can you restore / reuse stuff into useable beautiful items? This making money and still using your creativity / art knowledge?

Sorry, yes I fired lots of questions at you

Ahh Glasgow is great! You must have had a fantastic time and a world class education.

Do think about all the other skills you have under your belt. Grant writing is just one, there are sure to be many others. Artists tend to be resourceful folk.

Do not undersell yourself!

OP I really feel for you. I have a 1sy and a distinction at MA. I actually think an art education offers a lot but I do think you need a bit of a dual career unless you're very lucky I say luck as its not about hard work. I know I'm working super hard ad I'm sure eyiu are it just doesn't always translate to money!

I'm in the North East but uses to live in London. I found London impossible. Not just because of the cost of living but the art world was really competitive and very unsupportive.

I think it's worth re thinking what success and a happy life looks like. So if it means you have a bit of a side job away from art which offers stability. Will this actually contribute to your happiness a lot more. I know a lot of artists who do charity and community sector work. Or if they have interest led by their work like cooking. How much money is your partner bringing in? How much is he prepared to compromise his career?

I have these crisis of confidence all of the time. I also think now is particularly hard so making any big decisions is risky as we're not on normal times!

Also just to clarify my partner isn't a high earner. So I'm not massively privileged he just earns a normal wage. I do work regularly too. We also moved away from an area we loved to make this a reality for us. And I'm the first in my family to go to uni. But I do know what you mean about people who have others to support them financially. It doesn't feel very fair.

Can ye not monetise your work? Do the phd, claim to be the best artist eva 'look at my PHD!' and start writing about/creating something crowdpleasing to fund the more esoteric parts of your work?

Hi @Zazacat76 I'm sorry you're going through this and I really get it. - I'm a bit older than you and many years ago went to a very reputable London art school - I got a place at the RCA but didn't take it up and took the safer route of doing a pgce and went on to teach art in secondary schools - I always wanted to do my own work so packed teaching in several times - but not having a rich boyfriend or wealthy parents like a lots of my art college friends, I'd end up going back to teaching and ended up teaching special needs kids and those with behaviour problems.

I love doing my art more than I ever love teaching. I've spent ages trying to work out what I could do instead that allows me to do my art and earn a reasonable wage - there's not a lot - maybe I should have taken my place at the royal college, maybe I should have done an MA or phd. Sorry to go on about me but I wanted to show you that I understand where you're at.

I think perhaps you're feeling a bit of burn-out due to COVID, trying to get your work done and recognised, coping with a child and doing a phd, travelling daily, peri menopause- no wonder you feel like this! Give yourself some credit and don't be so hard on yourself

While we're under COVID restrictions do some creative thinking and some research into what's available in your area. Make a plan. I like the suggestion upthread about working with recycled stuff - you could do this with kids, or in a youth club. Near me there's an art centre that does art classes for people with mental health difficulties. Offer to do some art with elderly people - in day centres, try old people's homes too - ok, not during COVID.

Look at teaching assistant jobs in secondary schools and special schools.
Help out at local art schools, even in a voluntary or a sessional basis to get your foot in the door.
Could you look at running online workshops. There seems a big demand for them in a whole range of art themes

I know of two local artists who run a mentoring networking scheme for other artists could this be a possible area of work to explore www.purpleandgrey.co.uk/events.html

I know how tough it is - I wish I'd stuck at doing my work - instead of teaching but for me it was about a regular wage, now I'm retired I can do my work

You need to do PGCE secondary level with that you would easily get art teacher jobs and these are regularly being advertised where I live. It is a solid career, reliable with good pay....anything-else would be phishing in the wind imo. I am a teacher.