I went to art school and since then have done a variety of work such as making work, some curating and teaching, I also received in work benefits as a self employed person. While I have had some arts funding over the years most of it was available as grants for emerging artists and it mostly dried up about 8 - 10 years ago. The work I make isn't made to be beautiful and is made using mostly reclaimed materials. I do exhibit my work in respected galleries but I do not generally sell my work as it tends to be site specific and not the sort of thing people install in their homes and offices and that was never my intention.
A few years ago the coservative government made changes to benefits for self employed people which meant that it was a lot harder for artists to continue to claim top up benefits as you had to show you were earning a certain amount to be eligible and if not then you were requiried to undertake mandatory job seeking activity.
Around this time my partner (who is in much the same situation as me an artist who's main work in bars and construction has dried up due to covid) and I decided that this would be a good time to start trying for a baby and I had a little girl. My plan at this point was to continue with my art career and to try and move into teaching at an art school as a means of income. I have done some adhoc tutoring in the past and have good connections with my old art school. To this end I decided to do a Phd (at an art school) which is a blend of thesis and studio work. I applied to a few and was accepted to an art school phd programme in another city about 50 miles away.
Because of this I was able to secure some funding. It was tough what with the commute, my daughter still being so young, not living in the city where my art school was based without easier access to its resources, money being very tight but I felt that it was work it as it would open doors to a teaching career in academia.
However since I started my phd things aren't going to plan. I am perimenopausal which affects my energy and ability to concentrate. My relationship is strained and I was finding the commute much harder than I thought i would even if its not every day, often I just didn't want to have to do it. Now with covid and all the changes that has brought about the possibility of me getting a secure teaching position anywhere looks vanishingly small, all the positive noises I was hearing from my old institution have gone very quiet. I am starting to feel like by the time this is all over, and when I get my phd, if I get it I'll be pushing 50 pretty old to be trying to get into academia.
I am mid 40's, and I want a nice standard of living, I want nice things! 15 years ago living in a shared or grotty flat was fine, it was an adventure and who knew what the future would hold but now at my age its depressing and grim, I feel like I am getting old fast because I can't afford the sort of self care other women my age can.
I just don't know what to do, and am seriously thinking of packing in my art "phd" and seeing if there is anything else i can do to try and improve my standard of living in the future. I really believed in my work but looking at it now I feel foolish to have wasted so much time and energy on a product that nobody really wants. I'm not an important artist, my work will be forgotton as soon as I stop pushing it. At least old art school friends who do commercial work like illustration or design make an income from their work. I have thought about trying to make more commercial work but I haven't drawn or painted in years and was never very good at it and I don't have any useful digital skills for art and even if I did it is so competitive.
I just feel like the career path and networks I have been working on for almost 20 years has been ripped away from me before I ever got where I wanted to go and at 44 with no savings and no home (we rent) that my options are very limited and that I've been fooling myself for years about my career.