Aspergers...

[SoMuchLaundry]

I have aspergers.

It ruins everything.

I've got a first class degree and a masters but I'm unable to hold down a full time professional job highlighted by the fact I'm 5 weeks into my first ft job in years and I'm failing. I can't cope. It happens every time.

I've just ended my year long relationship because I couldn't cope with it or respond in a way that he needed me to and it was making us both unhappy.

I struggle with friends.

Misunderstandings, sensory overload, inability to use 'common sense' or respond 'intuitively' amongst other things are causing the problems.

I'm so scared for my future. I dont have family because it was small to begin with and my mother was emotionally abusive because she sought to punish my traits and idiosyncrasies out of me so I have no contact with her. No support system.

I'm mid 40s.

I've always worked in pt short term agency work and my relationships have always been difficult, without love and short lived.

I dont fit in with my peers.

Even my friendships with other autistic people have failed because of conflicting traits.

I just dont know what to do any more.

I don't have a solution but know what you mean. For me, the only way to get some joy out of life is accepting that I can't function on full speed in a neurotypical world. Does your work know you're autistic? Do they make accommodations?

Where I live there’s a service called Living well with autism. They support people with their goals. Perhaps see if there’s something like that commissioned where you are? GP might know further details of what’s available locally?

No work don't know. I'm not required to disclose a disability (as I understand it) and I dont really want to he treated any differently.

I can't find the written diagnosis so they'd only have my word for it although I suspect it would be fairly obvious and I have told them that the sensory overload is an issue. But, due to covid rules, there's nothing they can do about the noise.

My desk is covered with post it note reminders of all the little things I need to do and I'm just not managing it.

Polkagirls
I'm not aware of any adult support locally for those other than the most severely affected for whom there are day centre type places. I can ask though. Thanks.

I'm in a professional career but I'm just not working at the same capacity as the others and appear unprofessional as a result. Everyone else is managing fine with the covid rules etc, I'm struggling to adapt to the change (although I am doing the things - it's more the mental.inpact).

I'm really trying my best I just feel I'm failing at every turn.

I get home from work around 6 and I'm asleep by 7.30 most nights through exhaustion. But then I wake and don't sleep.properly which just compounds it. I feel like in drowning in it all.

Big virtual hugs. You say you don't want to disclose your diagnosis because you don't want to be treated differently but you are different. You need changes to be made to suit those differences. In my experience employers don't expect to have the diagnosis report.

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this

I think you should consider telling your work. It sounds like you're close to quitting and if so you don't have much to lose. Asking for help is not a weakness. As you've said unless you're very good at masking your colleagues will have noticed. They may actually be better knowing there's a reason you're acting the way you are. Plus telling management does not mean telling colleagues unless you want to.

One thing, is it 'just' Asperger's or do you have ADHD as well? Asking because of the line on post-it notes.

Multiple post-its wouldn't work for most NT people btw. I know it's not your biggest issue but it might be worth looking at whether there's another task/time management method that will work for you.

You are trying to not be autistic. You ARE autistic. The only way is to accept it instead of suppress it. I suspect this is because of having spent your life having your traits "broken".
The thing is, there is nothing wrong with living autistically. In fact, as an autistic person, it's the only way.

I would go in and speak to your line manager. Tell them you are finding full time very draining because of your social communication issues and would it be ok to use some of your annual leave in the short term to take Wednesday as a regular day off. Then use it as an aspie day to reset yourself.

Consider whether a switch to part time (Wednesdays off, so always a reset day mid week) might suit you better.

Being autistic is ok. The reason it "ruins things" is because you are trying to suppress your core self. It's like dying dark hair blonde and bring angry that the roots grow through dark. Of course they will; it's their nature. If you let your dark hair grow you will find dark hair isn't blonde, but it's shiny and healthier than dyed blonde hair and there are quite a few people who really like brunette hair anyway....you've just been hanging out with the wrong people, the ones who say "blondes have more fun".

What really stands out for me in your posts is that you appear to be very conscious of how you compare to other people. Stop doing this. You are not the same as NT people. You have your on set of needs, way of thinking and way of seeing the world. This isn't a bad thing. Asperges isn't a character flaw. At the moment it also sounds as though you feel you have to fit into the world the way it is, you don't. You can find a balance between adapting the environment to make it more suitable for you and adapting small parts of yourself to suit the role. At the moment you are doing your best to do that second part to an extreme (ie trying to mask all of yourself and fit into an NT mould) That will be exhausting. I've been there, it isn't sustainable.

Easy for me to say but tell your employers. My company gave a presentation last week precisely on this topic with speakers from an external charity who support adults in the workplace and a good company should make adjustments to assist (noise cancelling headphones/more time to complete projects etc).

Sorry to hear this OP. Not telling your work would seem to me to be self defeating. You want to try to break this cycle don't you? When I was a manager I would not have expected to see anything wtitten down although I may have wanted to refer to occupational health for support - your employer may not have access to this of course.

Also agree that there are task management techniques- Stephen Covey for instance. I struggle with being organised myself although I am NT as far as I know, but I have to force myself to spend time getting things in order. At the moment it has gone all messy again so I will have to spend some time today deciding on priorities.

Also you sound really down on yourself. Do you think you could be depressed or something?

Argh I just posted a really long reply and it disappeared. OP I have a method that might work for you. I will share it once I have had a cup of tea.

My DD has dyspraxia, which I know isn't the same, but naming it at work has really helped her.
e.g. She tells people she isn't good with hints or polite ways of wording, and they need to be more direct. (If a manager tells her 'next time you might like to try....' she doesn't read it as 'next time do this')

I would say have a think what areas are difficult and what could be done to mitigate in an ideal world, and then talk to your manager.

What have you got to lose?

OP here's an example of the method that I came up with that really worked for me. I was on 8 weeks anxiety leave because I was struggling so much. I realized it was because I was trying so hard to fit into a world designed for NTs rather than be comfortable with who I am.

I hope you can read it. Essentially 4 columns. 1- write down every last thing that is an agitator to you. 2- write down the reason 3- how important it is 4- how to mitigate it.

Example 1
My work lanyard used to give me neck ache by the end of the day, make an annoying noise when I walked. So that's the agitator. The reason was physical and auditory. The importance was high because I had to wear it all day to get through doors. The mitigation was to put the pass on a clip that goes on my belt. No neck pain and the noise is now muffled.

Example 2
I have to present to 600 people every 3 months in a very interactive session. The reason I find it hard is because it requires bright lights, microphones, loud music, eye contact, everyone staring at me and lots of socializing before for rehearsals and after for feedback. The importance is high. I have to do it and I do actually want to do it so that the things I deliver are shared with everyone. But it kills me if I don't mitigate. The way I do that is the week running up to it I keep calm. I move most meetings to another time, I work from home a lot and I take two day off after (either through holiday or I ask for the presentation to be on a Friday. I hibernate for two days.

Do this for all things big and small. I idea being that if you get rid of as many agitations or stressors as possible you are left with more reserves for the stuff you can't mitigate and just have to do.

The single best thing I did was stop trying to force myself to fit in. It's fine not to.

I'll attach an image in a mo.

I agree with the others it sounds like you will soon leave this job if you don't do something so maybe it's worth a try to talk to them and get something sorted.

While those of us with autism could post solutions/suggestions... they won't necessarily help/be useful because we're really all very different, just as NT people are.

I do manage to work full time in a professional role. However, (likely down to the field I'm in) I have, with one exception, always had a manager that understands me and my difficulties and can accommodate them. This is likely because I can (quite surprisingly) communicate clearly (about work things anyway), my productivity is v high, I'm exceptionally flexible in terms of time (e.g. will work until midnight at the drop of a hat, having started at 8), am utterly meticulous in my work, I just don't make mistakes, I learn super-quickly and pick up anything that's needed. I'm an AI in a flesh body (in fact my family call me 7of9) but that's rather useful in what we do.

So I need a quieter space to work, preferably alone, also need to be warm. That's actually doable for many employers. I have shared offices previously, but I do need to not interact with others for chunks of time, so I had a (laminated!) red "Do not disturb" sign. I also wear headphones (not necessarily with music playing) to keep interactions down.

I did once have a manager that didn't get me. It was four months from him starting to me leaving, because he made me work every part of my three months notice twat.
I could not work for him.
Thankfully my leap took me elsewhere, to another manager who really gets me, and I absolutely love my job.

But they do need to know what you need to function. Is there some way you can express what you need to your manager or HR, without necessarily discussing your diagnosis, just in terms of 'comfort', concentration, stress levels etc? It's normal in a new role to have reviews of the situation and say what is working or isn't working. The employee is allowed to review the employer too

I do hope you can broach the subject with them, it could really change things for you.
Good luck!

I'm wondering about ADHD too, it a common comorbidity with ASD, and there is medication that helps!
I would come out at work, it would give you the right to have a few modifications made.
Ultimately try and work part time if you can manage it economically.

I agree that you need to inform your employer. They have a legal duty to provide workplace adaptations for autistic workers, but they can’t do this if they don’t know you need them!
I and my elder DD are both autistic. DD had a meeting with Occupational Health at her work when she started. They arranged a private room where she could withdraw if having a meltdown, they paid for private counselling when she was depressed, they invited her to join their autism support network - which she now helps to run! - they briefed her team on how to work with autistic colleagues, they provided a quiet office environment and allowed DD to work from home when necessary. Obviously with Covid she’s now at home full time, but this was all pre pandemic.
DD is a maths graduate and works in risk analysis with a major bank. If a commercial firm with no psych or health expertise can provide this level of support, there is no reason why your company cannot do the same.
Try to move on from your abusive mother crushing and denying your needs and your diagnosis. Embrace your autism - it has lots of plus points. I love the focus, single mindedness, concentration and logic that it brings, and wouldn’t want to be neurotypical.
Once you are able to accept and love who and what you are, you should be able to confidently ask your employer for the required adaptations to enable you to work efficiently and comfortably. Good luck, OP.

I’m sorry laundry it is really tough isn’t it. Much as I can see the good sides of being autistic it feels really disabling sometimes. I have ADHD as well and it just feels like everything is so hard and why can’t I cope with the stuff everyone else seems to?

I haven’t worked for a few years due to health (pretty sure my fibro/ME was related to autistic burnout too) but now I feel ready(ish) to try some part time work. But I’ve got an autism work coach who is helping me find something suitable with SN-friendly employers.

Aspergers here too. I don't know what to advise, I only manage because my husband has a big income and that allows me to have a smaller self-employed job that I can manage. Brings in some money, keeps me satisfied, but I draw the line on how much I can handle at a time. I don't know what type of work you do and what the pay is like, but if there's any opportunity to switch over to self-employment over time, it might be a good route to follow.

You're not obliged to disclose your disability, but work are absolutely not allowed to use that knowledge to treat you as a lesser person/employee due to discrimination laws. It would be good to try find a local service for adults in the spectrum, maybe someone knowledgeable you can talk to about what you find hardest about work, and what pushes you over the edge, and whether there's something reasonable your boss can arrange for you. It should be in their best interests to make the most of you as an employee.

Hi OP
I relate so much to your post.
What helps me when I get frustrated with myself (which is often) is remembering that the world is not designed for autistic people, and is often actively hostile to us. The mainstream narrative around autism is so often constructed by non-autistic people who view themselves as ever-so-kind-and-patient towards the “strange blunt quirky people with autism” when in fact the system is rigged against us and we are very likely to be bullied or discriminated against (not all NTs obviously). Obviously we would still have difficulties such as sensory issues, but being treated horribly and being overworked will only ever lead to burnout.
It may be worth disclosing your diagnosis - maybe GP can help? - and sortIng some reasonable adjustments if you possibly can - you need and deserve these things. After being diagnosed I adopted a “fuck it” attitude and am “out” and very open about being autistic and demanding reasonable adjustments where applicable - I struggle regardless of whether I tell them I’m autistic or not, so at least if I tell them I can obtain adjustments and show them up if they are treating me unfairly.
Remember as well that the things you’ve achieved are significant enough (eg 1st class degree and masters!) even before taking into consideration how hard autistic people have to struggle in a system which isn’t designed for us. You’re amazing, and I’m really sorry that people have treated you poorly and that you’re having a really rough time.

Tha la for your thoughts.

Unfortunately, due to the nature of my job, I can't ask to reduce hours, change environment, wear noise cancelling headphones and I don't have annual leave.

I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult. "There's something wrong with you..."; "Why can't you be more like the other children/girls," and punishments predated anyone knowing why I was the way i was.

My current work place is better than any I've ever worked in for being supportive - it's the covid restrictions that have made it so unworkable. My current situation would be difficult for an NT person but my difficulties added into the mix are making it almost impossible.

I'm not sure if disclosing it now would invalidate my contract?

Tbh, if I'd understood myself better at the time - and known- I woyldnt have gone into this career in the first place. I know some people with autism thrive in it but I don't.

I dont know what else I could do instead. I really need a job where I work alone and that is the opposite to what I do!

I'm worried because ADD has also been suggested before. Even one of my managers joked about it recently. I wouldn't be surprised.

I know it sounds awful but i feel that autism and ADD would just be a death knell for my life

I know it sounds awful but i feel that autism and ADD would just be a death knell for my life
You are who you are already. Diagnoses can help understand yourself better, explain your difficulties to others and help think of accommodations.

I wonder if knowing that your autistic feels as if your mum was right, that you were difficult and different all along. My mum was/is similar and I think it comes from her own fears of being different and struggles of fitting into society. Realising I'm autistic is helping me see that my issues are real. Yes, I cannot keep up with neurotypical expectations and yes, I find it difficult to connect with people. But I'm not alone with it and I definitely do not choose to be that way. My mum's obsession with what other people think has made her a shell of a person. I may be awkward, lonely, messy and underachieving, but at least I exist as a person. I can see the struggle between being themselves and being 'normal' in my children and they're both so much more happy and capable when they manage to just be themselves.

You are who you are already. Diagnoses can help understand yourself better, explain your difficulties to others and help think of accommodations.

So much this! 💐

And if you got an ADHD diagnosis you could try medication. It’s not a magic bullet to cure every difficulty in life but it can make some things easier.