Aspergers...

[SoMuchLaundry]

I have aspergers.

It ruins everything.

I've got a first class degree and a masters but I'm unable to hold down a full time professional job highlighted by the fact I'm 5 weeks into my first ft job in years and I'm failing. I can't cope. It happens every time.

I've just ended my year long relationship because I couldn't cope with it or respond in a way that he needed me to and it was making us both unhappy.

I struggle with friends.

Misunderstandings, sensory overload, inability to use 'common sense' or respond 'intuitively' amongst other things are causing the problems.

I'm so scared for my future. I dont have family because it was small to begin with and my mother was emotionally abusive because she sought to punish my traits and idiosyncrasies out of me so I have no contact with her. No support system.

I'm mid 40s.

I wonder if knowing that your autistic feels as if your mum was right, that you were difficult and different all along.

I think that is a lot of it.

I had a few autistic friends a couple of years ago ad that really helped. We laughed about our faux pas and whatever bit I don't even have that now.

I'm surrounded by NT people.all the time. Trying to get along with them and tripping up all the time.

I told my boyfriend I had Aspergers. The relief was palpable but, in the end, I couldn't get him and he couldn't get me and we just made each other unhappy.

And if you got an ADHD diagnosis you could try medication. It’s not a magic bullet to cure every difficulty in life but it can make some things easier.

Yes, that is true.

I sometimes feel I couldnt even work in McDonalds because the pace would be too fast. I've hugely underachieved. I feel like it applies to every area of my life.

I'm usually ok with it but just having a rough time at the moment.

I think you need help to change your narrative, OP. You seem to have been deeply programmed with your mother’s abusive view of you and your autism as a nuisance, or a problem, and you have bought into her belief to the extent that you are constantly anxious and monitoring yourself for mistakes or deficiencies.
You could benefit from relaxation therapy and CBT, to feel more accepting and forgiving of yourself, and happier in your own skin as the lovely unique person you are, autism and all.
All that time you spend fretting, self criticising, panicking, writing endless post it notes and fearing failure could be spent so much more productively - in calmly enjoying your life and work, and interacting with colleagues on your own terms, not desperately trying to fit in with what you imagine are theirs.
Please work on boosting your self esteem, feeling positive about yourself, taking life a little less seriously.
As autistics, we are perilously inclined to ruminate for weeks about minor worries, and become obsessed with things that really don’t matter half as much as we think they do. Learn to let go a little.

I really relate to the feeling you won’t be able to cope with anything. And the depths of that “not ok” feeling.

It is tough being surrounded by people who aren’t like you and don’t understand you. I forget that sometimes as most of my friends are autistic/ADHD too (due to home educating and most of our DCs also being autistic). Sometimes when I’m out in the wider world I feel much more disabled by it (especially lately TBH, for example Asda tills were changed round recently and that plus mask on a busy Saturday = massive panic), it really knocks me.

Are there any local autism charities who might help you? I have a work coach who specialises in helping autistic people. I’m not sure if you’d be eligible for help finding other work if currently employed, but maybe someone would still be able to support you with the current role, like advocating to get adjustments and understanding?

If I'm honest (and I do know this comes from frustration and isn't necessarily fair or accurate), I find interactions with neurotypical people boring most of the time. Like running in a circle of the same conversation over and over again.

I get what you mean by conflicting traits that make friendships with other neurodivergent people tricky as well and I'm definitely not proficient at autistic friendships yet, but even with that any interactions with other autistic people are so much more meaningful to me. No trying to work out what they want, what I'm supposed to do, whether I'm talking too much or not enough, if what I want to say is too emotional or not emotional enough, crossing some unknown boundary etc etc etc. I talk, they talk and we both come away with new information and insights.

I've been working with professionals to figure out how to parent my children and I'm learning so much about sensory diets, hanging out in parallel play and pre-empting crises that I can relate to my own life. I've been trying out the word autistic to describe myself to other people (no diagnosis yet) and it is liberating. Just saying that this is who I am and if we are to interact in a way that makes us both feel okay, I need to be able to not constantly worry about being too much. F my mum and her hang-ups!

Hi, I am also on the spectrum.

Your message resonates with me really well, and I am early 50s.

Came on to search for info for my Aspie 11 Yr old and found your post. What an incredibly beautiful way to answer the OP's issue. I'm going to save your reply and show it to my son when the time is right. Thank you.
Hope you're doing better OP x