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Struggling to live with my inlaws/ hate my partners sister

38 replies

blankslate1 · 08/10/2020 12:10

I've been contemplating whether or not to write this for a while now but I've genuinely had enough.

My partner and I got together around a year ago, she lived in a town and I lived in a city about 2 hours away. I lived with 2 of my friends whereas she still lived with her parents (we're both in our mid twenties). I ended up moving in with her for several different reasons but I was over the moon to be able to properly be together. Our plan was to leave her parents house by August/September this year, fast forward to now and we're still living there. This is due to the pandemic and us both being off work for a bit so not having the funds to move. We've worked out our finances and we will have the money to move by February at the very latest.

I love my partner to death and would do anything for her, including living with her parents and constantly dealing with her awful sister and niece.

Don't get me wrong, her parents are lovely people but they're both retired and rarely leave the house. In all the time I've been here I think we've had the house to ourselves twice, for an hour at a time. I still haven't gone back to work whereas my partner has and I'm left feeling trapped. I feel confined to our room and I still don't feel comfortable enough to go and sit alone in the living room with her parents. It's not my home and quite honestly I don't want it to be, I'm desperate for us to have our own space.

Next comes her sister and her niece. Her sister is in her 30's and her niece is 7. I really really dislike her sister. She's demanding, ungrateful, stroppy, rude, obnoxious and childish and her daughter is growing up to be exactly the same. Her sister is so full on, even when we don't see her she's still calling my partner, messaging until late at night, pestering for us to do things that she can very easily do herself but she doesn't even try, she keeps playing the single mum card but I've had enough now. We all do more than enough for her and she still wants more. My partners niece comes over every single Tuesday and Thursday and then has a sleepover on a Friday and doesn't leave until Saturday afternoon which ruins our weekend. Even though she is 7 she refuses to sleep in her own bed and doesn't go to bed until at least 1am because this is the routine her mum lets her follow on the weekends and throughout the school holidays. It's all getting too much and we can't even go on a date together because we put up with backlash from my partners family saying "oh you could have taken your niece along with you". Why would we ever want to take her on a date? She gets everything she wants and between my partners sister and niece, they completely run the family.

We're eager to start our own family (once moved out in February) but we know how much stick we're going to get from my partners sister. It's going to be her telling her child that she's not going to get attention anymore, that her nan has a new favourite, that she's going to get less toys and we're not going to bother with her etc. Her daughter already wants a bedroom in our house which I 10000% do not want. She won't sleep in her own bed which means I'll have to go in a different room whilst she stays with my partner, she doesn't understand that she needs to go to bed before 9pm and let us have grown up time and I just don't want her over at our house all the time. I also don't want to have to see her mum when she's picking her up.

My questions are does anyone have any advice to keep me sane until we move out in February? How would you go about tackling the major issue of the sister and niece? How would you tell your partner that you don't want her having a room in the new house/you don't want her over very often?

Disclaimer - I honestly love children, I studied childhood education at university and every job I've had has been child related but I've honestly never come across a child as spoilt and naughty as this 7 year old. She can be absolutely awful and her mum is twice as bad.

OP posts:
carly2803 · 08/10/2020 12:34

my advice, move out sooner

one way or another, move out, apply for universal credit?

Knittedfairies · 08/10/2020 12:37

I agree; you need to find a way to move out sooner. February must seem a long way off...

FourTeaFallOut · 08/10/2020 12:39

You don't tackle the issue at all. You're living in someone else's house. Be a good guest and put up with it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 12:42

Holy moly that sounds weirdly intense.

I would move out ASAP and maybe to a different city.!!

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 08/10/2020 12:43

Get out as soon as you can.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 08/10/2020 12:46

Crikey! How does your partner feel about the relationship with her niece, will she want to cut that down? If you're not aligned on that it's going to be impossible.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/10/2020 12:50

If your partner is happy for her niece to have a room in your new home, that's a bigger issue than the short term issues of the living with her parents. It all sounds claustrophobic and I would be moving out now. But I think the family dynamics long term sound horrendous. Unless you and your partner are in agreement, I don't see how either of you can be really happy.

BigFart · 08/10/2020 12:52

Anyone else noticed the influx of male posters in the last few days?

Gazelda · 08/10/2020 12:53

Your ILs have welcomed you into their home. I'm afraid it's you who need to adapt to their ways and find a way to tolerate it.
It sounds as though you've had quite an intense 12 months. Starting the relationship, moving in, both losing jobs, new job, plans to move out, plans to start a family.
Can you just focus on saving very, very hard to bring the move forward? If you can only afford a tiny place, then there won't be a spare bedroom for her niece.
And could you take the niece out at the weekend? Even if it's just to the park or for a milkshake. I'm sure the gesture would be appreciated.
It's bloody hard being cooped up in a house with people you don't know well. I sympathise. But try to compromise and understand that they are compromising too.

willowmelangell · 08/10/2020 12:55

Why would you expect a retired couple to leave the house just so you could get some alone time with your partner? If your partner works in the day, you want them to go out at night? If they want to spend their retirement sitting on the settee, let them. Then there is the whole pandemic, perhaps they worry about it and don't like the idea of going out.
As for the sister, well, you will be in your new place, locked door, no visitors and you won't know or care what she is saying.

Concentrate on being a good guest. I am assuming you were invited to stay by the people who actually own the house.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 08/10/2020 13:04

@BigFart

Anyone else noticed the influx of male posters in the last few days?
I've read the OP twice avd can't see anything that says the OP is male Confused.

My recommendation would be gwt out asap. And if the 7yo is that bad, then surely your partner wouldn't want to have niece over frequently?

Dreamersandwishers · 08/10/2020 13:07

@BigFart is op male?

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 13:08

@willowmelangell

OP said they try and go out for date nights but it’s expected for the niece to attend to...!

user1493413286 · 08/10/2020 13:09

How does your partner see things? Does she get fed up of her sister and niece? If she doesn’t see a problem then you’re going to have a very hard time not having the same things happening in your house. If her niece does come and stay then have the bedtime concept from the first time she comes so that she understands that’s how it works at your house and that she sleeps in her own room.

blankslate1 · 08/10/2020 13:10

Thank you all so much for your replies.

My inlaws are honestly absolutely lovely people and I'm beyond grateful that they've invited us to stay in their house. They've really helped us out this year and I'll forever be thankful to them.

I definitely want to raise the topic of moving out earlier to my partner. Her parents have been nothing but kind but I'm really struggling with not having our own space. I've lived alone since 18, moved in with 2 of my friends in my early 20's and now it's back to living with parents in mid twenties which I know I'm having a real struggle adapting to.

My partners sister is where any arguments in the house stem from. She makes her mother cry, causes huge arguments with her father and will tell myself and my partner that we're awful people, even though we do our best with her and her daughter.

I honestly think the sooner that we're gone, the better.

OP posts:
UsernameNeverAvailable · 08/10/2020 13:11

Single mum card 🤨

sunflowerspeoniesanddaisies · 08/10/2020 13:14

I didn't assume that the OP was male, from reading the post I thought the OP is female as is her partner - sorry if I've got that wrong OP!

Either way, it doesn't matter. I wouldn't be happy living like this I would have to talk very honestly to my partner about the future. Is she/he unhappy with the family dynamics? You need to ensure that you're clear before you commit to a property together.

blankslate1 · 08/10/2020 13:14

My partner gets on with her niece, the same as I do but she's one of those children when she's being good she's a gem but when she's not she's absolutely awful. Crying, screaming, kicking, punching, fighting, breaking things, you name it. She was so lovely when I first met her but since lockdown and being around her mum a lot more, she's really gone downhill.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 08/10/2020 13:14

Her daughter already wants a bedroom in our house which I 10000% do not want.
What about your partner, what does she want?

FourTeaFallOut · 08/10/2020 13:18

It really has nothing to do with you. You should move out.

blankslate1 · 08/10/2020 13:20

@Justmuddlingalong my partner is in the same boat as me. We both feel that her niece has become increasingly hard to handle in the past year and that we don't want her coming over to become a regular routine e.g. she comes over 1 Thursday and it turns into every Thursday after that. The issue is receiving major backlash from the mother saying we're selfish and why wouldn't we want her over or to be able to have her own room. The child doesn't even sleep in her own bed so even if we did give her a room, it would never be used.

OP posts:
blankslate1 · 08/10/2020 13:23

@sunflowerspeoniesanddaisies you're right, myself and my partner are both female. I've spoken to my partner and she feels the same way as me, she's itching to move out so we can have our own place together but unfortunately we just don't have the funds until around January/February. It looks like we'll just have to grin and bear it for now.

OP posts:
FourTeaFallOut · 08/10/2020 13:24

Listen, you're far too invested in all of this. You can sit in judgement all you want but you have no responsibility or place or right to address this.

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 13:25

You shouldn’t be kicked out your bed for a 7 year old niece. She needs boundaries. Weekly overnight seems excessive.

wewillmeetagain · 08/10/2020 13:25

@UsernameNeverAvailable what's wrong with saying the " single mum card"? Lots of women use it as an excuse for everything, it's one of my partners ex's favourite excuses! Oh and yes I'm a single mum before you ask if I know what it's like to be one!