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Struggling to live with my inlaws/ hate my partners sister

38 replies

blankslate1 · 08/10/2020 12:10

I've been contemplating whether or not to write this for a while now but I've genuinely had enough.

My partner and I got together around a year ago, she lived in a town and I lived in a city about 2 hours away. I lived with 2 of my friends whereas she still lived with her parents (we're both in our mid twenties). I ended up moving in with her for several different reasons but I was over the moon to be able to properly be together. Our plan was to leave her parents house by August/September this year, fast forward to now and we're still living there. This is due to the pandemic and us both being off work for a bit so not having the funds to move. We've worked out our finances and we will have the money to move by February at the very latest.

I love my partner to death and would do anything for her, including living with her parents and constantly dealing with her awful sister and niece.

Don't get me wrong, her parents are lovely people but they're both retired and rarely leave the house. In all the time I've been here I think we've had the house to ourselves twice, for an hour at a time. I still haven't gone back to work whereas my partner has and I'm left feeling trapped. I feel confined to our room and I still don't feel comfortable enough to go and sit alone in the living room with her parents. It's not my home and quite honestly I don't want it to be, I'm desperate for us to have our own space.

Next comes her sister and her niece. Her sister is in her 30's and her niece is 7. I really really dislike her sister. She's demanding, ungrateful, stroppy, rude, obnoxious and childish and her daughter is growing up to be exactly the same. Her sister is so full on, even when we don't see her she's still calling my partner, messaging until late at night, pestering for us to do things that she can very easily do herself but she doesn't even try, she keeps playing the single mum card but I've had enough now. We all do more than enough for her and she still wants more. My partners niece comes over every single Tuesday and Thursday and then has a sleepover on a Friday and doesn't leave until Saturday afternoon which ruins our weekend. Even though she is 7 she refuses to sleep in her own bed and doesn't go to bed until at least 1am because this is the routine her mum lets her follow on the weekends and throughout the school holidays. It's all getting too much and we can't even go on a date together because we put up with backlash from my partners family saying "oh you could have taken your niece along with you". Why would we ever want to take her on a date? She gets everything she wants and between my partners sister and niece, they completely run the family.

We're eager to start our own family (once moved out in February) but we know how much stick we're going to get from my partners sister. It's going to be her telling her child that she's not going to get attention anymore, that her nan has a new favourite, that she's going to get less toys and we're not going to bother with her etc. Her daughter already wants a bedroom in our house which I 10000% do not want. She won't sleep in her own bed which means I'll have to go in a different room whilst she stays with my partner, she doesn't understand that she needs to go to bed before 9pm and let us have grown up time and I just don't want her over at our house all the time. I also don't want to have to see her mum when she's picking her up.

My questions are does anyone have any advice to keep me sane until we move out in February? How would you go about tackling the major issue of the sister and niece? How would you tell your partner that you don't want her having a room in the new house/you don't want her over very often?

Disclaimer - I honestly love children, I studied childhood education at university and every job I've had has been child related but I've honestly never come across a child as spoilt and naughty as this 7 year old. She can be absolutely awful and her mum is twice as bad.

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 08/10/2020 13:28

They know you don’t like them.
(The sister and her child)

The parents probably feel bad for the 7 years old going through a lockdown. She is just a child (although I do think she should not be staying up 1am)

FlorenceNightshade · 08/10/2020 13:31

@BigFart women can have female partners too you know!

@blankslate1 I think if you spent more time out of your room it would perhaps feel more like your home too. While your DP is at work are you wfh? Can you have lunch with your in laws? Or go for a short walk with them? Little things might help build up a relationship and make you feel like you belong (even though you’re planning on moving) and they might think you’re rude or standoffish for being in your room so much

As for the niece and sister I’d just try to stay out of their way as much as possible and make it clear any spare room will be for your child and not her.

Sittin · 08/10/2020 13:33

Why don’t you move out without your partner and then move on together properly in a bit?

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blueberrypie0112 · 08/10/2020 13:33

Honestly, I feel bad for this child, your feeling is too negative

You do not know what this child is going through, not everything is because of the parents.

workhomesleeprepeat · 08/10/2020 13:35

Take up meditation and be grateful that you have somewhere to stay to save money! The sister and daughter sound like hard work, but really January is just a couple of months away.

ThePlantsitter · 08/10/2020 13:40

Honestly if you can't deal with your partner's family you can't go out with her. They are not going to be any less involved if you have a child together and trying to distance your partner from them is a bit controlling.

I think you have lived in the house long enough to make an effort to have a proper relationship with your PIL tbh. It must be really difficult for your partner to be the go-between.

OverTheRainbow88 · 08/10/2020 13:40

Take up meditation and be grateful that you have somewhere to stay to save money!

But why shouldn’t be strive for better? Why settle just because OP has somewhere to stay, it’s clearly not working so why settle and be happy with that?

workhomesleeprepeat · 08/10/2020 13:41

@OverTheRainbow88

Take up meditation and be grateful that you have somewhere to stay to save money!

But why shouldn’t be strive for better? Why settle just because OP has somewhere to stay, it’s clearly not working so why settle and be happy with that?

Because it’s only a couple of months Confused and unless the OP grows a magic money tree I don’t see how they’re supposed to ‘strive for better’
Tiktaktoe · 08/10/2020 13:43

You don't both need to move out. You can move out on your own, back into a house share or a lodger scenario. It will probably only cost you the same as the rent & utilities you are paying your in laws.

blankslate1 · 08/10/2020 13:43

@blueberrypie0112 the child is extremely well looked after, by myself and the rest of the family. She has a very happy school and home life and she's the apple of her grandparents eye. She can just be very difficult to deal with. For example a couple of days ago myself and my partner we're watching tv, she stormed in, demanded to play one of her games using the xbox and burst into tears, slamming the door when we said she could after we finished our programme in 5 minutes time. We gave in because of the drama and crying and she played on level of the game, it didn't go her way and she launched the controller at the tv and ran to her mum saying we weren't letting her play. It came out of nowhere and we were having a good time with her on the game up until that point.

OP posts:
sunflowerspeoniesanddaisies · 08/10/2020 14:10

I actually don't think the OP is out of order to feel this way. That child sounds bloody spoilt. Her mother should be intervening if the adults are in the middle of watching TV and the child storms in and demands to put her game on. And OP you should have stick firm with a nice 'no, when this is finished please!'. She won't learn if everyone gives her her own way all the time! It's not her fault she's like this.

Hang tight for the three months if your partner feels the same as you OP, but make it clear no bedroom for niece when you move. In no family that I know of of someone nieces and nephews have their owns rooms in their aunts house! It's a nonsensical demand. My brother would laugh his arse off if I demanded such a thing of him (not that I would!). Especially important if you're planning a family of your own - your own children will come before niece and rightly so!

And of course you can choose to see less of family once you're not living with them. You don't have to cut them out entirely but again most families do not live in each others pockets or have set visit days where you must host whoever. We regularly see family, but it's arranged on a casual basis (but we are local so that's easier).

I would also ensure that the child is aware that when she does visit, it's your house your rules and that her wilful behaviour won't be tolerated in your home. She plays up, she goes home, end of. She'll soon learn that playing at aunties houses means she needs to behave nicely even if she doesn't do it at home.

BigFart · 08/10/2020 14:16

Very sorry OP!! I made a very silly assumption you were male! 🤦‍♀️ Massive apologies!

blueberrypie0112 · 08/10/2020 14:55

[quote blankslate1]@blueberrypie0112 the child is extremely well looked after, by myself and the rest of the family. She has a very happy school and home life and she's the apple of her grandparents eye. She can just be very difficult to deal with. For example a couple of days ago myself and my partner we're watching tv, she stormed in, demanded to play one of her games using the xbox and burst into tears, slamming the door when we said she could after we finished our programme in 5 minutes time. We gave in because of the drama and crying and she played on level of the game, it didn't go her way and she launched the controller at the tv and ran to her mum saying we weren't letting her play. It came out of nowhere and we were having a good time with her on the game up until that point.[/quote]
That’s normal. They will do this until someone give in. I thought maybe because of the lockdown, she doesn’t have any friends of her age to play. Especially being an only child during a lockdown. Even if she go to school, doesn’t mean she get to play like she used to.

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