I’m very lonely - please give me some advice

[Kaylia76]

Hi there!

I’m very lucky to still have my job, I’m in a profession which is based on projects and at the moment I have nothing on. This means I do nothing. It is a luxury in some ways but I am childless and home alone (DH leaves house at 630am and returns around 8pm - not his fault he’s doing overtime to help us financially with some upcoming bills).

Whilst we are in the town I grew up in, my friends all moved and my parents are too busy to see me. I’ve suffered with mental health issues since a child and my depression comes creeping back sometimes. I can feel it beginning, I don’t want to do anything but I’m so numb and bored by my existence. I have no motivation and all I want to do is eat.

I am so bloody lonely. DH thinks I have the life of Riley because he’s rushed off his feet and I don’t do much. I don’t really know what to do or how to describe it. My car is broken so I can’t travel anywhere. The weather is miserable and I can’t get myself to leave the house. Going to the post office is such a chore and I’m having to write “brush teeth” and “clean” on a list so I do it.

I’m in an incredibly lucky position but also feel so isolated. Any one similar?

All I want to do is buy things but I can’t afford to keep doing that!

Should add I am wfh until next year, I usually work in the City

Just want to say that you are not alone! I am feeling very similar at the moment. Although I am working but from home. DH works evenings, I spend my day alone working. And my evening alone while he's at work. And the thought of the next day doing the same thing makes me feel as though I can't breathe.

Well, there's public transport - if you normally work in the City, you must be in commuting distance from London. Most places are open; there's no need to be moping at home on your own.

I realise that wasn't very helpful. But I am making myself go for a walk in the hope of boosting my mood a bit.

I have reached out to friends via text/phone calls. And although this isn't the same, it does take the edge off.

We are in an area with extra measures and households shouldn't mix but I will be going for a walk with a friend.

Do you enjoy the gym etc? Or a Pilates/yoga class? I know that lots have started up so joining something/anything could be beneficial.

Lots of zoom/virtual clubs eg book clubs?

Have you been medicated for your depression when you had it before? It’s a slippery slope so you need to get in there early.
Is there any chance your work could allocate you some jobs? Is there any area or passion you have that you could volunteer for? This is not the solution for everything when you’re feeling so down but it could be good for you to have some routine.

@katy1213

Well, there's public transport - if you normally work in the City, you must be in commuting distance from London. Most places are open; there's no need to be moping at home on your own.

Wow... 'moping at home on your own'- you sound like a lovely, empathetic person.

OP- don't listen to shit like this. Whether people understand your feelings or not, they are real to you. And you sound like you're struggling. Have you spoken to DH? Could you explain to your parents that you need them? Hopefully they are just thinking all is fine with you, hence why they are busy getting on with their own lives. Would they step in and help if they knew your struggles?

Sending virtual hugs.

Is there a colleague who you got on with who might be in the same position as you - they might be grateful for an invitation to coffee or something?

All the usual advice applies, force yourself to go for walks and exercise, eat lots of vegetables, drink lots of water. Keep a regular sleep pattern, no napping during the day if it affects your sleep at night.

That sounds hard

What sort of area do you live in? Are you rural? Is nothing within walking distance?

Yes, me too.
I live pretty remotely, high up on moors, with my dogs, work here, small farm.
My two close friends have both died over the last two years. My parents are dead, I literally have no one. I can go all week without seeing another human soul. It can be very hard, especially now with winter approaching.

I feel like this at the moment. I'm working from home but workload is low. I'm very lucky that my job is secure, and I'm so thankful for that, I just wish I had more on. I'm a lone parent too, which doesn't help.

There are millions of things around the house that I should be doing, but because it's work days I feel like I can't get on with them. I had to write a list yesterday with all the tiny things on that I would normally get done without thinking about it.

It's like my brain is hybernating or something

One thing that helps a bit is planning stuff for the weekend. Museums last weekend, hoping the weather is good enough to go to an Arboretum this weekend (fuck, how mumsnet is that suggestion 🤔😂).

I've had depression on and off for years, although I've mostly been ok through lockdown. I make sure I get out every single day. It's an enormous effort some days, but most of the time I don't have a choice really.

Also, fix your car if you can. It sounds like it's a big barrier for you

That sounds really hard, @Darklane

You HAVE to go for a walk, put it on the todo list as a priority.

Going for a walk may sound like a small or gigantic task, depending on how you are but you should do it. It changes your mood so try your upmost to do it. You will start to find thinks pop into your head to do when out walking like “I must sort that wardrobe” or “I might do some drawing and have a cup of tea when I get back” ect.

Feeling lonely is absolutely horrible, but it’s just a feeling, acknowledge it and then move on, don’t sit and stir which is easy to do.

Thanks for being so helpful everyone.
Any one who needs a friend for a chat, I’m here to talk if you’d like!

I already volunteer but it is online so becoming quite tiresome and I’m struggling to be motivated.
I am an hour from central on the train, not far but in these circumstances and the cost of it seems unnecessary.

I do really enjoy the gym (read:spa) but as my car is broken it’s too far to walk and no public transport. I live close to the sea but in this weather I just want to sit in bed.

I have lofepramene and propanalol. The lofepramine does work/help but takes time and the side effects catch me out a bit.

I might brave it and tell my mum now I’m feeling. They are packing up ready to move in with me because their house is about to be completely changed to make it more disabled friendly for my dad. I am dreading losing my personal space so maybe I should be savouring this time.

Three things to do every day if you're feeling down which I think help are..

Get dressed
Make bed
Go for a walk

I know it can be really hard. Why can't you get your car fixed?

How long are your parents moving in for? It might help, somehow?

If you think your mum will be supportive, I would definitely be brave and tell her. Has she been good in the past?
Having less personal space will be annoying but I have found in the past that sometimes a bit of annoyance gets me out of depression 😹 because it sort of occupies my mind and I can get quite obsessive with little niggles. Lol

I'm walking the neighbours mad dog, as it s the only motivation I could find to get out and bloody move my butt. I know that low mood depression energy thief too. Cinnamon trust need dog walkers or pony minders , borrow my doggie connects you with locals in the area who need help with their dogs.. I'm so busy with the mad dogs behaviour I when I walk I forget about me... and am out in nature .. bless you, I'm praying for your improvement

I have two dogs who are afraid of rain!! Absolutely nightmares as even getting them outside to wee is a nightmare (anyone with daschunds might be aware of this)!

I told my mum, she responded that she loves me. Don’t think she understood...

The car battery died died, it was replaced by the company today as in warranty but now I need my dad to come and fit the battery. He is busy all week!

I think that getting out and walking as much as possible is really important. The weather is shit but wrap up warm and try and embrace the bracing-ness of it.
You could listen to comedy podcasts while you walk, or whatever you're interested in.

I think I’m going to do some small things. Tomorrow I will:

• get dressed
• walk the dogs come rain or shine
• brush my teeth
• brush my hair

I feel like such a loser writing this down. I’ll check in tomorrow to make myself accountable if that’s ok with you all.

Hey OP, you sound like you need to give yourself a bit of a break mentally. You’ve every right to feel down.

I’ve been really struggling these last few months. I decided two months ago to start a GCSE, it wasn’t cheap but I am enjoying it and it’s making me feel more driven and fulfilled. Is there anything along those likes you could do? Learn a language or something - there’s loads of apps for that sort of thing.

All the very best

My dogs don't like the rain either, big tough staffies that they are! I took them out at 8.30am today and when it started to rain about 10 mins later they dragged me home. So I tried again at 11.30am and managed an hour's walk without it raining. We were lucky though, the heavens opened about 2 mins after we got home.
Don't give up! I know it's hard but you know you'll feel better for it, plus it helps offset all the eating!

You're not a loser at all - you're reaching out for support to those who are willing to give it.

I've been horribly lonely before now. I sometimes think that life is a mix of drought and floods when it comes to things like social contact, workload, sleep.... There's no way to store up a larder for the drought times, so you just have to duck your head down and get through them. Mumsnet is one of the ways to get through so definitely so report back

I really feel that there are a lot of us currently experiencing not loneliness, exactly, but a realisation that our social networks were maybe not all we thought they were.

I hope you find your tribe OP