Is it possible to decide to change everything in one go?

[ecdysis]

I am very lucky that the unchangeable things in my life are all, great at best and bearable at worst.

But there is a lot of things about me that I hate but I could change, I think about changing but never actually do mainly due to point 1. Has anyone completely overhauled their personality, woke up one morning and thought that's it I'm going to change everything I don't like?
My points I want to change are all linked imo to the first point.

1. I'm lazy
2. I'm fat
3. I drink too much
4. I'm untidy
5. I have too much month at the end of the money.
6. I have no style (see point 1&2)

Can I change who I've been for the last 40 years?

You can but I think it's hard to do all at once.

I decided that I wanted to lose weight a few years ago - only 2 and a half stone but I'm quite small so it was a lot to me. I found that, with the weight loss, came increased motivation for doing other things.

I started new hobbies, made new friends and looked at the fly lady website to get the house in order and find better habits for that.

Not everything has stuck long term in the same way I started it but I've not regained the weight, I'm less lazy, more tidy etc...

I haven't become a whole new person but I'm a much improved version of the one I was!

It would be more sustainable to pick one and work at that before building on your success to tackle the next thing on your list.

Otherwise you'll just overload yourself, struggle to make or sustain headway and then demotivate yourself and feed your self-hatred.

I would start with cutting down on the drinking (3) - you'll save money (5), and you will probably feel better mentally (alcohol can be a depressive) so you will feel more motivated to keep on top of housework etc (1 & 4).
You can be very stylish even if you are not your ideal weight, so go on a few websites and check out some outfits (6).

I imagine the one that would take the longest to change would be your weight, but start slowly and feel good about yourself first

It's all about balance, don't put yourself on a diet as all you'll want to do is fight it. Just consciously cut down. If you have 2 eggs for breakfast have one, a whole pizza for tea have half, same for your drinking. Move a little bit more, start walking or swimming.

Things will slowly fall into place and you can build it up at a sustainable, achievable level. Will you have days where you eat too much, drink too much and do fuck all, of course you will, but just start again tomorrow and don't be harsh on yourself.

I think you should give it a go, nothing to loose!
Good luck

I think a life overhaul is possible, but if you look at your list it is negative and self-critical. I think you might do better to think of some positive things you want to put in, so instead of 'I'm lazy' what would you like to do?

I realised that walking (rather than laziness), if I walked a few miles, gave me a boost to my mood so even though I didn't feel like doing it it was worth it (for me) to get up and do it.
It's easier to do things if there is something in it for your rather than HAVING to do it.
The alcohol - have something in the house to have instead of having a drink. I like a non-alcoholic drink, it has sugar so gives me a lift, in a tall glass with lots of ice it's quite nice - if I have the first glass of wine I always want more. So try not to have the first one.
I do exercise classes online, I wouldn't say I look forward to it but the plus is that I am probably fitter than I have been in years and my posture has improved which makes me look younger/ slimmer. See - there's something in it for me.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, Early that's a very positive first reply, you've done great. Tante you are right, not drinking would definitely help (and I'd be asleep now if I hadn't had a drink which would also help)
Agree about losing motivation by doing too much but I want it all to change, seems rubbish being unhappy when I could do something about it.
practicing I want to not be lazy. Basically if there are two roads one hard but leads to what you really want but one easy which leads to something you can put up with I'd always choose the option that was less effort.

You can't 'overhaul [your] personality', but you can change your behaviour.

But I'd quite like to know what 'lazy' looks like in your case, and also why you think you have been like that for 40 years (so presumably your whole life). I suppose there's a degree of objectivity in 'fat', 'untidy', 'no style' and 'drinking too much' (although I can't tell as I don't know you and don't have any details), but 'lazy' is so very subjective and pejorative. Who's told you that?

Ah, I've just seen your post about choosing the route that takes less effort. That can be sensible - economical with time and energy. There's no virtue in toil for the sake of it. I suppose the problem there comes when your choices mean you and/or others are significantly negatively impacted. Is that the case?

Reading between the lines I think I'd look into ADHD in adults first and consider whether that might be you. Fascinating subject. Good luck OP.

I want to not be lazy

It's true that you need to frame things positively.

I created SMART targets when I did it.

Just saying "I don't want to be overweight" or "I don't want to be lazy" isn't enough. You have to decide what you do want to be and create goals towards that.

Eg what would being less lazy look like to you?

That you tidy up after yourself as you go? Don't put it down, put it away (was a fly lady one that worked for me!)

That you want to be more active? Take up c25k or start walking for a mile a day.

That you want to lose a stone? Work towards that in a way that will suit your lifestyle.

That is how to achieve it.

I create a positively worded list of what I did want to be/do and colour coded it into what was immediately/easily achievable; what was a mid term goal and what was a longer term goal.

So I worked on the easy wins first like making sure my nails were always neat and doing the washing up the same day...

I went through a lot of upheaval in my personal life and everything outside of just surviving had fallen by the wayside a bit!

I had a friend who kept a bullet journal and that really helped him - especially with tracking his alcohol intake and general mood. Once he realised the correlation between the two, he stopped drinking completely.

cattke yes I feel everything is affected by being lazy and that this infiltrates my whole life. To me lazy is not doing things because it's less effort to not do things. On a small scale, washing up crockery but leaving the coffee pot as cba to scrape it out, on a bigger scale spending the evening with wine as it's less effort than making own entertainment. I would say if you knew me there would be no objectivity to the others, my friends would all agree (I do have plenty of redeeming qualities all of which would be improved by changing the listed ones)

I think the place to start is being kind to yourself. But I mean being really, actively kind. Practice a little metta meditation (the self compassion piece can be challenging) and do kind things for yourself everyday. Get to know yourself by asking what you want in this particular moment - I found I was always reaching for chocolate, but when I started asking that question I discovered sometimes the answer was time to myself, to curl up with a good book, a brisk walk, a sleep ... and sometimes it was chocolate.
I’m less lazy now because I do things for myself - I put stuff away now rather than leaving it for later. I take myself for a walk.

I know it sounds bonkers but I started practising self kindness to combat depression. Negative self talk can literally make me ill and I had to do something about it. I wasn’t prepared for the knock on effects in my life.

But I don’t think it’s easy to make lasting change in your own life, or anyone else’s by being harsh and critical.

I agree with others, baby steps and take it slow. If you have a plan and a goal for each step it is possible.
To avoid being 'lazy' set a timer for 15 minutes and plan to do whatever it is that needs doing, whether it's housework or exercise, like walking.
Cut back on the alcohol by having a drink on Friday night.
Changing your mindset is a big thing, instead of saying "I CAN'T have that" change it to "I don't WANT that" and don't beat yourself up if you fall off the wagon, start again the next meal you have.
Finally, have yourself a good support system, surround yourself with people who will help you with your goals and make them aware of what you're doing.

But what is wrong with not scraping out the coffee pot? This is not a moral issue. It is a matter of choice.

If you want to leave the kitchen clean at the end of the day because it is nicer to come down to the next day, then set that target.

You are what you do, as the saying goes. If you change what you do, you will have changed.

I agree about SMART targets, it is about deciding what you will do differently tomorrow.

I think if as a PP says you targeted stopping drinking, with going out for a walk every day as a starting point you will find some of the rest will happen naturally!

The combination of alcohol plus worrying about too much month at the end of your money will be taking its toll on your mental state; if you can give it up then you'll find you have more money and will feel more energised and some of the stuff you now cba with you'll find you CANba (like the coffee pot example you gave) without even really thinking about it!

Once you start to feel better use that energy to increase your exercise after which losing weight will come as will stylishness (you will probably find you like buying new clothes, or styles look good on you that didn't before you lost weight)

I still can't decide, OP, whether you are looking critically but accurately at yourself or repeating lessons learned very damagingly from very young. And whether your desire for change is driven intrinsically or because of a perception of other people's perceptions (iyswim!) of you. I do hope your friends would also be able to name positive qualities of yours! Otherwise you might want to reconsider that term 'friends'.

But assuming I am not being an accessory to your battering of your own self-esteem here - I think a good first step would be working out what the payoff is for each of the behaviours you dislike in yourself - what you get out of it. So for the coffee pot thing (BTDT, btw! Switched to a pad machine and never looked back

It is and isn't. I don't think you can just pick up all your flaws and adjust them just like that. I was reading a book recently called The Power of Habit. It sort of explains why some people struggle to change but others succeed. In summary, it kinda came down to key habits. A sort of corner stone that triggered a chain reaction.

To work on lots of things all at once is hard, and unsustainable. It puts at lot of pressure on and I don't think writing a list of all your flaws and attempting to change them is a particularly useful way of doing it.

Perhaps there is one thing that can change. You might find that naturally causes your other flaws to fall out. It sounds like in Early's case weight loss triggered other positive changes. I'd love that...but I struggle with weight loss.

At the moment, I'm trying to get up before 06.00. I'm wfh and start at 07.30. It sounds stupid, but this little habit change causes so many others. I have a calmer morning, I have to find something to do with myself, so I get my bullet journal done, I have time for a cup of coffee, as just a coffee. It puts me in a good mindset for the day, which then helps me make better choices.

The book also explains habits are rewarding. You might not think what you're currently doing is but somehow it is. Take your lack of style. Your current way is easy, predictable and probably comfy. You feel safe in that combination even though a critical eye in you tells you it's awful. Habit dictates you pull the same combinations. To change it, you can't quite say I'm gonna be more stylish. You have to find the new habit to fill it with, along with the reward. I'm badly summarising. The book explains it better!

I think some of the things depend on a "how bad" - is "drinking too much" just that or are you in the more "can;t stop" category? Overweight , 2 or 5 or 10 stone? The advice will depend on that.

But generally I'd pick one and tackle it. It should be 2 or 3 depending on how hard you find stopping drinking. The others will follow on if you solve 2&3.

For me when I was younger (late 20s) I started swimming - and lost weight and got fit and as I felt good about myself a lot of other changes filtered down from there. And I discovered that walking was good for my mental health. Keep walking until you've cracked the nut you're working your head round.

In my 50s I'm once again fat and unfit! So I'm doing something about it and listening to let's of audiobooks and podcasts on the subject to motivate myself. Started with the Obesity Code. Very interesting stuff.

[quote CatteStreet]I still can't decide, OP, whether you are looking critically but accurately at yourself or repeating lessons learned very damagingly from very young. And whether your desire for change is driven intrinsically or because of a perception of other people's perceptions (iyswim!) of you. I do hope your friends would also be able to name positive qualities of yours! Otherwise you might want to reconsider that term 'friends'.

But assuming I am not being an accessory to your battering of your own self-esteem here - I think a good first step would be working out what the payoff is for each of the behaviours you dislike in yourself - what you get out of it. So for the coffee pot thing (BTDT, btw! Switched to a pad machine and never looked back

Yes I definitely think you can change these things as they are all connected really.

If you try and have a positive mindset and want to do these things then you can but you HAVE you find a motivation that you give a shit about enough to be able to stick to it.

For me, I'd put on loads of weight and was also drinking too much. I started low carbing a few months ago and I have already lost a stone and am back in my old clothes nearly so it is like having a whole new wardrobe again, so that has kept me motivated to keep going.

I've been organised with my food which has in turn saved lots of cash as I'm mainly eating at home then taking my own food to work, only have the v occasional takeaway etc not all the time.

I think with Covid restrictions now is the perfect time as there is less temptation, less to actually...... Do to ruin the diet for instance.

Another thing that helped me was to wear a fitbit and try and get my steps in, I don't manage it every day but it gave me an awareness of sitting on my arse too much. Just doing chores around the house and say a food shop then batch cooking a few meals can do a few thousand steps.

I think for me anyway find it hard to stick to anything until I can see at least a bit of physical progress so that means with weight actually falling off, money building up in my account or my house getting better. But if you eat well you honestly have more energy for all the other things.

Important not to try and do TOO much all in one go because if you do and fail you'll be harsh on yourself but at the same time be mindful that it is all connected so try to set small goals against all the different problems and track your progress. If you are happier, you'll drink less too.

Good luck OP.

practicing no not a moral issue but a small example of my laziness, the problem is like a snowball effect, lots of little examples of my laziness results in a cumulative issue. I have the time to do these things I just don't.