Should I just give up and how to move on? 43, one child, 2 losses

[thisisquitedifficult12]

Very blessed to have an amazing dc who is now 8. Secondary infertility affected us having another. I've been pregnant twice in the last two years.. weirdly more successful in my 40s ! Both ended in ectopic. Currently waiting for second to resolve ( first was surgery and tube removal )

I seem to get pregnant ok but it doesn't find the right place!

I'm now at a point where the heartache and risk is huge. I so want another and a sibling for dc but is it worth it? The age gap is large and they won't play together. .. if it works ( highly unlikely) I will be 60 when dc2 is 17

My head says just give up now
But my heart says no keep trying for a while longer and give it your all

How do you know when to just quit?

So sorry for your losses

I feel if you're asking, you're not ready to give up quite yet..?

Fingers crossed for you something happens soon

I have a 7.5 & 9.5 year gap between my DD and her older siblings and they are great chums! The 7.5 year gap kids play together loads - they are 3.5 & 11 now. They play in the park & play jigsaw and games and make dens and all sorts. The 9.5 year gap kids (now 3.5 & 13) don't play together but they snuggle up with stories and films and have chats. They both loved helping when she was a baby and showing her off to their friends.

I wouldn't use the age gap as a reason to stop, personally.

Thanks for your positive thoughts

Hi, I am in a similar position as you, I'm 42 with a 5 year old.

Since I had my 5 year old, iv had two miscarriages and two tfmr. I am currently recovering from my last loss and waiting for my period to return, it's a tough wait.
Like you I worry about the age gap, being the oldest mum at the school gates etc etc. Despite this I cant let go and still have hope. I think we will know when its over and we wont be asking strangers on the internet. All the best and I hope things work out for you.

I am 40 next year and gearing myself up mentally for another (my third). It's so hard because society and media tell me that I'm too old, too obese, too unwell (I have autoimmune stuff going on) to indulge myself in a third child. And I don't feel like a deserve another, weirdly, because of all that.

But why not? I am a good mum. My kids are happy and well looked after.

I think you'll know if the time is right to stop trying. It's the emotional turmoil that got to me. I had my DS at 40. My last pregnancy ended with a termination at 43, for Edwards syndrome. I had numerous miscarriages between the ages of 38 and 43. I just couldn't face the thought of another loss. The age thing didn't worry me. If it isn't a problem for you keep trying! Good luck whatever you choose.

I'm 40, DD is nearly 4 and we've been TTC for 21 months. We're giving it 3 more months and that's it. There is no medical reason why I'm not getting pregnant and 2 years trying is long enough at my age. It's hard to accept we won't have another but we need to for all our sakes.

I lost both tubes to ectopics by age 37 - I am currently pregnant and there will be 5 years between my older DD and these babies. I personally wouldn't want anymore than an 8 year age gap as I've known several families with gaps like that and it's like they have 2 families - the children don't play together and family days out are a struggle as an older child doesn't want to go to the same places as a toddler

As others have said it sounds as if you're not ready to give up and you've come here for affirmation and reassurance. You probably know you have to resign yourself to the likelihood of disappointment and you've had some hard knocks in any event.
The only thing I'm going to add is please don't let your hopes to be a 'complete family' blight your perception of the one you have. Enjoy every moment with your little one. Time flies and they grow so quickly. Don't let the day counting and month counting get in the way. If it happens it happens.

It's hard to keep going, it's hard watching your hopes & dreams slip away. My health is fine but my career has taken a hammering, I'm staying in a role that I'm not fulfilled in but is secure. Its just another loss/sacrifice in my life.

I have one DS aged 4 and am not having anymore after one TFMR and one miscarriage. Age is on my side (I’m only 33) but I can’t take another loss, I’m happy with that decision. In your position I wouldn’t try again but only you know if you are ready to stop.

@ivfbeenbusy I've just lost both my tubes too, how did you find ivf? I'm conflicted about wether to accept this is my path or plough on.

Sorry op to ask a question in your thread. I don't think 8 years is too much of a gap for me it would be anything over ten years x

Thanks for the replies. I know what you mean about your career @JustStuck. I could have taken lots of different roles over the years but I wanted to stay put just in case..

I really hoped this last pregnancy would stick and be in the right place.

I'm so sorry to those of you who have given up because of the heartache. I can't begin to imagine how hard it would be to terminate a baby with serious conditions. That is another big worry.

I agree that asking strangers over the internet is not going to give me any answers! I suppose I just want people to say yes keep trying and that shows me what I really want.. I will give it one last shot..

I am mindful of trying to make sure it does not affect my dc or my relationship with dh.. we are a very happy little threesome and dc does not miss a sibling.

If it doesn't work I am going to arrange lots of play dates for dc and maybe get a dog

All the best OP.
I'm trying to pick up the courage and start looking for new role, I feel so disconnected as I have been focusing on extending my family for so long. I'm wondering if I changed jobs maybe I will feel less pressure on my personal life. I do my best with my little one and husband but at times I feel so heartbroken. I had my last tfmr 6 weeks ago so perhaps its just raw.

[quote pieceofspam]@ivfbeenbusy I've just lost both my tubes too, how did you find ivf? I'm conflicted about wether to accept this is my path or plough on.

Sorry op to ask a question in your thread. I don't think 8 years is too much of a gap for me it would be anything over ten years x[/quote]

I'd consider myself a fairly strong person - I've had to be - I've had 5 miscarriages and 2 ectopics - but not going to lie IVF is hard emotionally, hormonally, physically and financially. It took us 5 rounds and £35k to get pregnant again (I'm now 20 weeks with twins). It can take over your life if you let it. Everything goes on hold - you don't want to book holidays or make a big purchase because you are constantly looking ahead to the next egg collection or transfer. I feel immense guilt for not being as "present" for my DD as I could have been and the times I've been snappy and stressed.

I chose to only do short protocol and natural modified IVF so low dose drugs so little side effects and who process over in less than 2 weeks which definitely helped . I don't think I could have coped doing 5 rounds that took 6-8 weeks each.

But I don't regret doing IVF. It's only money. We took out loans etc which will be paid off in 5 years so a small fraction of the lifetime with a child. Even if it hadn't worked I would at least be at peace then that we tried everything we could to give DD a sibling and when she's older I would have told her we gave it everything.
DH and I agreed we just didn't want to have any regrets in life. And we definitely would have regretted never trying IVF whilst we could x

I'm also 43 and was very lucky to have 2 children.
I don't think there is a right or wrong here.
However I don't think the age gap is a good enough reason to stop. Sure it will be very different to my two who are just 20 months apart but the older child could still have a terrific relationship with a baby, it just won't be the kind of 'playmate' relationship that other siblings have.
On the other hand I am an only child myself and had a very happy upbringing. You haven't said that it's a big factor but don't let yourself feel guilty for not being able to give your dc a sibling.
Either way I hope you decide what's best to do.

@ivfbeenbusy thanks for replying!!! I'm not sure I could handle the disappointment if it never worked!

I think I would stop "trying " and say if it happens it happens but don,t expect it. I had an mc around this time last year, I somehow think II won,t get pregnant again. I have 2 already so anymore is a bonus.

I could have written your post OP. Sending

Hi Princessposie, care to share your story? I'm 42 with a 5 year old with 4 losses behind me, I don't have much hope left but can't give up..

@ivfbeenbusy congratulations that's great news after all you've been through!

@Princessposie I hope you are ok

@JustStuck so sorry for your loss

I'm still waiting for AF to return after my m/c. Hope it comes back! Then if it does I'm going to give it a last chance. I think I'm strong enough to deal with another loss if necessary but I will hope for the best ..

Then next year I will call it a day and move forward if it hasn't worked

OMG give up and enjoy your life.

I don't mean that in an unsympathetic way, more like, I just cannot imagine having a 6 or 7 year old child now that I'm 50. It's just too young.

At about 47 roughly I looked at my youngest child, then 11, and felt, omg, I'm so trapped in to this parenthood thing for HOW many more years. It is so relentless. At least when you're 50 your child will be 15, that's better than my situation. Am 50 with my youngest still only 14. It doesn't feel right. I've moved past being a mum, I mentally feel I want the new role of older woman. I can't quite believe my children are still so young :-( the responsibility never ends. There are so many things I would love to be doing. Pottery, art, designing clothes, maybe do a philosophy degree, but with two messy hungry lazy children i just go to work and come home. Please just enjoy your life. You're actually so fortunate to have one child and have experienced motherhood but have the freedom to have some time to be more than just a mother. My life is home work home work home work. The house is a mess. I'm broke. I've to put two children through university somehow.

Anyway. I do wonder why we all think we want children so badly.

@MuserOwl good to have a different perspective on the issue and you make some good arguements for giving up!!! I can see how being fifty and still parenting would be hard work.

Thanks, wondered if I'd gone too far but feeling like life is short and feeling like WHEN do I get a chance to indulge my interests and do the things that would give me fulfillment