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Original poster

How do I change my behaviour so that I don’t attract this sort of treatment at work.

35 replies

WorkyWoes · 02/10/2020 19:15

I’ve name changed so this isn’t linked to my regular username if it’s recognised.

Recently started a new job. I was warned about a “mean girls” kind of thing going on amongst management by another member of staff at the same level as me. I made a mental note but decided to make my own mind up rather than listen to gossip. Generally it’s been fine, get on with my job but there definitely is a nastier side to one of the managers towards this person who warned me and today it was directed at me. I’d made a mistake, it wasn’t a big deal, it took about ten minutes to sort out, tbh if I had been allowed to sort it myself it would have taken 3 minutes but management get a bit carried away with making it into a situation and take over so I’m left to twiddle my thumbs and made to feel like I’ve committed a crime because they have to sort it. The one manager in particular started with their stomping, sulking, slamming things and swearing. They are careful not to swear at the person they’re angry with but it’s clear who it’s directed at. They were being abrupt and sharp when speaking directly to me and the other person involved but then immediately having laughs and giggles with others who don’t get the same treatment when they mess up. They get playful comments and pretend eye rolls and it’s made into a laugh. A very notable difference in how I was treated today and how I’ve witnessed the other staff member being treated. I’ve overheard conversations about how this manager has spoken to other members of staff too and one time they even confirmed themselves they said a really nasty thing to a new member of staff. It’s just who they are I guess.

Initially I thought I should ask for a meeting and try and discuss it but then I thought they will just say all the right things and then go and laugh at me with their colleagues. I’d be an idiot, right? Especially as in still in my probation period. So I think I just need to change whatever it is about me that lets people think I’m ok to treat like this. I’m very pleasant and polite, I work hard and do everything I’m asked with a smile. I thought I was doing the right thing but clearly I’m just coming across as a pushover. The other person who receives the same treatment also seems to try very hard and is very nervous of making mistakes. They don’t do anything that warrants someone being mean to them. The people who get the laugh and joke side of manager are a bit more relaxed and one of them is actually very careless and makes mistakes (some that cause problems for the rest of us) a lot but somehow it’s never called out and they get the “grrr you idiot” jokey type comments for much bigger mistakes than I made today.

What do I do? Do I need to stop trying to please? Be less polite?

OP posts:
CloudyVanilla · 02/10/2020 19:23

I know this sounds like one of those MN things that people say on here but would never ever do but have you ever tried politely calling them out on it?

Not by commenting directly on their behaviour, but by pointedly saying something like "I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with this system yet" when they are rude. Doesn't sound like a lot but a lot of people like that rely on the passivity of the other party, and even very slight reminders that it's not a normal or acceptable way to behave often have them backpeddling. Because really people like this are spineless and kind of pathetic.

QuacksInTheDark · 02/10/2020 19:27

Fuck that. Find something else OP they’re never ever going to change their ways.
Start looking elsewhere working in that sort of environment will fuck your mental health.

Caselgarcia · 02/10/2020 19:30

You need to be firm and show you aren't a pushover. If you make a mistake, admit it but make it clear you know how to rectify it and you do not need their help fussing.

CloudyVanilla · 02/10/2020 19:30

And actually with regards to the stomping and swearing, I actually would say something. I would be directly pointing that out and saying it makes me uncomfortable.

I know I come across a bit problematic but honestly, I'm a really shy person and I get along well with pretty much everyone I meet, but I put up with years in my first "proper" job of years who throw their weight around and after years of being genuinely intimidated or wrong footed by them, I matured and realised how ridiculous those situations are. I started a new job last year and even after a few weeks I did nip a minor issue in the bud that had the potenfial to set a precedent of behaviour that I wouldn't put up with. I was quite proud of myself for actually saying something! And more importantly it stops people walking over you.

You obviously may want to tread lightly as your situation sound sadly like it has potential to become massively passive aggressive and toxic.

Original poster
WorkyWoes · 02/10/2020 19:31

but by pointedly saying something like "I'm sorry but I'm not familiar with this system yet"

I haven’t, no. This may work. Although when the manager is in one of their directed sulks they don’t even respond to you. They speak only to tell you to do something or ask you something, they give you no eye contact, not even turning their head towards you. They will fling their hand out at you with documents and tell you to put it somewhere or read it or whatever but they won’t even turn to you or look at you while doing it. Anything I would say to explain my mistake wouldn’t be acknowledged.

OP posts:
CloudyVanilla · 02/10/2020 19:31

Job of people who throw their weight around*

Original poster
WorkyWoes · 02/10/2020 19:32

@QuacksInTheDark

Fuck that. Find something else OP they’re never ever going to change their ways. Start looking elsewhere working in that sort of environment will fuck your mental health.
Oh I already came home and started looking. But I think if this is something I’m giving out then I will attract the same treatment in other jobs.
OP posts:
CloudyVanilla · 02/10/2020 19:33

OP it's not you it's them I promise you

CoronaIsWatching · 02/10/2020 19:34

Just confront them and ask if they mean to be so rude

Toilenstripes · 02/10/2020 19:35

They won’t change and you shouldn’t change as you’ve done nothing wrong. You are in a no win situation.

Original poster
WorkyWoes · 02/10/2020 19:35

If you make a mistake, admit it but make it clear you know how to rectify it and you do not need their help fussing.

I have done that on other occasions but this mistake was discovered by another colleague and announced to management so immediately there was tutting and sighing and they just took all the documents needed to fix it. I didn’t even know which mistake id made until they’d fixed it. If they had said to me straight off what it was id have known where to look straight away and sorted it in minutes.

OP posts:
burglarbettybaby · 02/10/2020 19:37

Are they all like that? I don't think its you at all and i would quietly look for something else.

LiveFromHome · 02/10/2020 19:39

The one manager in particular started with their stomping, sulking, slamming things and swearing. They are careful not to swear at the person they’re angry with but it’s clear who it’s directed at

The way to deal with this is to very loudly and publicly ask "would you like to have a chat with me in private, because there's clearly a issue here", to which they'll (I'm almost certain) shit themselves and stop talking to you like crap.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 02/10/2020 19:41

If I ever worked with someone like that manager I'd say to them 'stop behaving like a 5 year old & be professional, we are all here to work & get along nicely'

But then I'm like that.

Original poster
WorkyWoes · 02/10/2020 19:44

Are they all like that? I don't think its you at all and i would quietly look for something else.

No they aren’t. But nobody seems to do anything about this one manager. They have a manager above them that isn’t really around much but I don’t get the impression they would challenge them on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorkyWoes · 02/10/2020 19:45

The way to deal with this is to very loudly and publicly ask "would you like to have a chat with me in private, because there's clearly a issue here", to which they'll (I'm almost certain) shit themselves and stop talking to you like crap.

This might be an option.

OP posts:
TooManyDogsandChildren · 02/10/2020 19:47

This is not management! Stamping around and swearing? How embarrassing!

A manager's role is to recognise that mistakes happen (because humans make mistakes, even managers), implement training and processes which make it less likely they will happen and treat all mistakes as a learning exercise to help staff improve. Creating an environment where staff freely confess to their learning experience is what you are aiming for. Pressured people try and hide things which usually makes them worse. Also, no-one ever improved by being told off.

Correct management would be to sit down with you 1 to 1 and ask calmly and politely if you can explain how it happened, what you would do/have done to fix it and how you would stop it happening again. Finish with praise for disclosing and an expression of confidence in the employee.

Flouncing and tantrumming like a 3 year old - God no. It's definitely them not you OP. Do look for a new job and keep your head down in the meantime.

TorkTorkBam · 02/10/2020 19:47

People join companies but leave managers.

I doubt it is you attracting it. This person was a dickhead before you arrived.

For my own sanity I would comment on it every time: "You are being dismissive of me Jan." Or while laughing "so rude!" But then I have a cushion of Fuck Off Tork money for when I get fired by a client. If you can afford to be let go then challenge her for your own mental wellbeing.

QualityFeet · 02/10/2020 19:54

She is a bully. Interrupt behaviours your don’t like immediately. Ask for a private chat by all means but also just guffaw loudly and say you said sorry as it will only take a min to sort and if she waves her hand in your face you will bite her fingers off. Say it with a smile and later have a really good laugh with her closest office friend. Make them do something for you rather than you doing things for them and suddenly they will leave you alone. Be nice to everyone but loudly interrupt shit behaviour - leap up - jeez that’s it you need a tea- I won’t take no for an answer - oh so and so shall I get you one too - right that’s better let’s start again... confidence and humour - project both even if you feel neither and swear aggressively in conversation to someone or about something - little clues that you aren’t the one to be shat on.

Original poster
WorkyWoes · 02/10/2020 19:54

I’m going to keep looking for more work. I’m relieved to hear this isn’t something I’m doing that’s causing it. Although why it’s just me and one other staff member that gets it is still a mystery. I don’t want to be a pushover so I’ll work on nipping it in the bud when it starts.

OP posts:
TheMandalorian · 02/10/2020 19:57

Seems like a lot of people are promoted to managerial positions for the sake of promoting them even if they have no managerial skills.
Its not you but I would try to treat them like you are the same level as them and firmly suggest you both discuss the issue in the conference room. Or that they should stop huffing and just explain the problem. Depending on how much you need the job try to front it out a bit. Firm and polite. Try to keep emotion out of it.
Is there some sort of problem Deborah? You seem to be struggling do you want to communicate the problem professionally and I'll rectify it ASAP. Call him/ her out.

tectonicplates · 02/10/2020 19:59

OP do you know any details about the pace of staff turnover at this company?

Original poster
WorkyWoes · 02/10/2020 19:59

Say it with a smile and later have a really good laugh with her closest office friend. Make them do something for you rather than you doing things for them and suddenly they will leave you alone. Be nice to everyone but loudly interrupt shit behaviour - leap up - jeez that’s it you need a tea- I won’t take no for an answer - oh so and so shall I get you one too

Unfortunately this just isn’t possible. The offices are separated so I wouldn’t see her work buddy unless I’m summonsed to do an errand. Which actually was happening a lot today before my mistake and I was thinking it was a bit much but guessed they were busy. There’s nothing I can really do though when asked to as none of my work is urgent enough that I could say “I just have to finish this first” I have to jump when they call.

OP posts:
tectonicplates · 02/10/2020 20:00

People join companies but leave managers.

@TorkTorkBam Thank you for this! It needs to be quoted a lot.

Original poster
WorkyWoes · 02/10/2020 20:01

@tectonicplates

OP do you know any details about the pace of staff turnover at this company?
Not specific details but through my work I see dates and staff sign offs and know there have been a lot in recent years. No staff have been there longer than 6 years.
OP posts: