How do I change my behaviour so that I don’t attract this sort of treatment at work.

[WorkyWoes]

I’ve name changed so this isn’t linked to my regular username if it’s recognised.

Recently started a new job. I was warned about a “mean girls” kind of thing going on amongst management by another member of staff at the same level as me. I made a mental note but decided to make my own mind up rather than listen to gossip. Generally it’s been fine, get on with my job but there definitely is a nastier side to one of the managers towards this person who warned me and today it was directed at me. I’d made a mistake, it wasn’t a big deal, it took about ten minutes to sort out, tbh if I had been allowed to sort it myself it would have taken 3 minutes but management get a bit carried away with making it into a situation and take over so I’m left to twiddle my thumbs and made to feel like I’ve committed a crime because they have to sort it. The one manager in particular started with their stomping, sulking, slamming things and swearing. They are careful not to swear at the person they’re angry with but it’s clear who it’s directed at. They were being abrupt and sharp when speaking directly to me and the other person involved but then immediately having laughs and giggles with others who don’t get the same treatment when they mess up. They get playful comments and pretend eye rolls and it’s made into a laugh. A very notable difference in how I was treated today and how I’ve witnessed the other staff member being treated. I’ve overheard conversations about how this manager has spoken to other members of staff too and one time they even confirmed themselves they said a really nasty thing to a new member of staff. It’s just who they are I guess.

Initially I thought I should ask for a meeting and try and discuss it but then I thought they will just say all the right things and then go and laugh at me with their colleagues. I’d be an idiot, right? Especially as in still in my probation period. So I think I just need to change whatever it is about me that lets people think I’m ok to treat like this. I’m very pleasant and polite, I work hard and do everything I’m asked with a smile. I thought I was doing the right thing but clearly I’m just coming across as a pushover. The other person who receives the same treatment also seems to try very hard and is very nervous of making mistakes. They don’t do anything that warrants someone being mean to them. The people who get the laugh and joke side of manager are a bit more relaxed and one of them is actually very careless and makes mistakes (some that cause problems for the rest of us) a lot but somehow it’s never called out and they get the “grrr you idiot” jokey type comments for much bigger mistakes than I made today.

What do I do? Do I need to stop trying to please? Be less polite?

No current staff that should say.

Everyone at my level has been there less than 2 years.

What a surprise

Keep job hunting.

Definitely not you provoking it - it may be that they wouldn’t dare try this with an aggressive short-tempered bloke, or whatever, but they are doing this to you because you are new and aren’t in their clique.

I’ve actually seen people like this “adopt” previously-hated staff members into their clique when their existing mates left and they had nobody else in their posse. They carried on ganging up on the new people. Which should tell you this about them dividing the department, and nothing to do with you as a person.

I’d address it directly “Sarah, you seem very upset. Is something wrong? You are banging things and chuntering to yourself” But that would be for my own benefit, not theirs - I wouldn’t necessarily expect their behaviour to change.

Thank you everyone. You’ve all made me feel much better after a shitty day.

@WorkyWoes

If you make a mistake, admit it but make it clear you know how to rectify it and you do not need their help fussing.

I have done that on other occasions but this mistake was discovered by another colleague and announced to management so immediately there was tutting and sighing and they just took all the documents needed to fix it. I didn’t even know which mistake id made until they’d fixed it. If they had said to me straight off what it was id have known where to look straight away and sorted it in minutes.

So the other colleague noticed a minor mistake and went straight to management? What a dick move from them, as well as from the manager.

Urgh I’ve worked with a few people like this. Agree they won’t change but tactics to get by for the time being would be centred around never apologising or seeking their approval. Just state things as fact “this mistake was made and I’m going to do this to put it right”. If you need feedback on a piece of work don’t ask generally what they think of it, just state “this work is complete, let me know if you have feedback”....start looking for a new job.

So the other colleague noticed a minor mistake and went straight to management? What a dick move from them, as well as from the manager.

Not exactly. They noticed it just before management appeared in the office wanting them to do something, at this point they hadn’t worked out whose mistake it was, it could have been anyone in the office, so they said “oh this has happened and it needs sorted” so manager started looking with supervisor and as I could hear what was being said I recognised it was me and said so, said what i’d done but was getting no acknowledgement as they get fixated on fixing it so it wouldn’t be offered to me to sort. A bit martyrish tbh.

You need more righteous anger - no way are you in the wrong. They are shits - if you struggle to see this for yourself imagine you are someone else and I bet you would be enraged on their behalf.

You’re right. I was already annoyed for my colleague because I could see they were really worried about making mistakes all the time and it was because of the reaction they get when they do make a mistake.

If I could be specific and tell you exactly what my mistake was today (I can’t as it would be too identifying) you would all think I was making it up. It was so minuscule. The reaction was just so out of proportion. I’ve worked in this same role in other offices and the same “mistake” wouldn’t even be considered a mistake. No one would even bring it up, they’d spot it, fix it and carry on. It’s bizarre TBH.