Starting own family Christmas

[LionL]

We had our first baby this year and reading the thread about Father Christmas, I'm excited for me and DH to start our own family traditions with our DC, like how we spend Xmas Eve, Xmas morning, decorate the tree etc etc. My own childhood was not particularly happy and I'm looking forward to doing it all with our DC in the future.

However, DH's Mum is always extremely keen for us to spend the day, and in fact as many days as possible at her house, and she also hosts DH's 6 siblings and their various partners etc. Some of her DC still live at home and some are grown adults living in their own homes. She is nice but can be a little bit controlling about her Christmas.

We don't have room to host Xmas with all of DH's family round, and so we have always gone to DH's Mums. However I do daydream about us having our own family Christmasses.

How did you transition from visiting parents / PIL's to having your own family Christmas and starting your own traditions? Did anyone find it awkward explaining to a slightly controlling DM/MIL that you'd rather not attend and if so how did you handle it? Matters are harder because no-one else in DH's family has done their own thing at Christmas before.

I forgot to add that the Rule of 6 might make it different this year but it's too early to know what the government plans are...

This is your year! With the rule of 6, graciously offer asap.

We were quite callous, we just stopped.

Buy you can use the rule of 6 to your advantage this year.

Decide between the 2 of you how much of which days you want to have at home and which bits you'll happily share between your families. Alternate the family bits, save arguments there. But keep the bits you want at home for as long as you want. It is your life... Sod other people's traditions, they all started with the end of someone else's!

Bite the bullet and just say it. Otherwise you will be on here in 20 years time moaning about the fact you have never had a Christmas at home. She can have a strop, she'll get over it. She got to choose how she does Christmas, now it's your turn.

We always host. It started when my mum moved abroad and it was easiest for everyone to come to mine so every year we have an assortment of my several siblings and spouses, mum, dad, step mum, my step DC. That all predates DD being born so I don’t have much advice and we don’t have a relationship with DH family who are all arseholes.

If you want to mix things up and be at home then just say so. Given the state of the world the stupid 6 thing will still be in place so this is the perfect year to start it and next year you can say it was nice being at home and it’ll be much easier with your baby who’ll be a toddler by then.

Christmas at home is brilliant. I love the cooking and hosting, we have a more the merrier open door policy (in normal times) and DD will be nearly two and we’re planning to carry on being at home. No one has to come but everyone’s welcome.

I may not help here a lot as thanks to work and living 6 hours or now a whole country away from my parents we always had Christmas on our own, bar the odd one. So much more relaxing and you can make it equally nice and not just your usual Sunday.

Just say it, it is time for you to break the mould and do your own thing. I personally always find it weird to drag everyone around, in my childhood we visitied family on boxing day or dropped in to my grandparents on Christmas Day afternoon. That's plenty for me.

You could offer going in the afternoon after your baby's nap for a short time. DD found Christmas quite overwhelming so a short and sweet visit may be less stressful than a full day of too many people and screwing up all kind of routines and you can do your timing according to your baby instead of dealing with other people's ideas.

Dont do it. Youll get stuck in the rut for yrs to come.

I found you just have to brutal and say it clearly (and early on) no skirting around it trying to avoid hurting feelings ect- it just makes it worse. Either they think you can still be swayed to change your mind ect or they don’t get the hints

Also, is it common for couples to spend their first Christmas with a new baby by themselves, or would that be seen as especially cruel given it's MIL's first grandchild?

Thanks for the tips!

Why would it be cruel?

Only on Mumsnet are people so obsessed with their own family Christmas. We spent until my eldest was 8 going to DM or DMIL house. When the children got that bit bigger and parents older etc we made the natural progression to our own house. DM and DB come too.

Don’t forget that your dream of a ‘just you’ Christmas will be pretty boring for your DD. She would probably like family around - that’s what Christmas is meant to be about right ?

As soon as our first DC was born we told both set of parents that we would be spending Christmas on our own. They were miffed at first but accepted it. We then spent the next 21 years on our own. We did visit/host on Boxing Day/New Years day.

Don’t allow her to control you. Honestly it’s as simple as, “this is what we are doing. Looking forward to seeing you at some point of Xmas”. Whatever mil feels and reacts like isn’t really anything to do with you. Ignore and do what you want.

How close to you live? Is it a case of having to go and stay for several days? Or are they local so you can pop in?
I’d you have to stay then try and mix it up each year so this year with rule of 6 is perfect to stay home. Do you have family you want to spend Xmas with? You could do one at home, one with in laws and one with your family
If they are local then you can spend Xmas morning at yours doing all the Xmas Eve and morning traditions then go over to in-laws for lunch. Much less stress as you won’t need to cook but still get to see everyone. I’m of the opinion that the more the merrier at Xmas though!!!

God help you if it’s the first grandchild! There will be tears n tantrums I think. But it’s a great time to make the break.., your little one will need naps and so many people will be overwhelming. Personally I’d go round to visit in afternoon for nibbles. Whatever you decide make sure dh is completely onside and don’t give any ground. Smile nicely at the guilt and say nothing once you’ve told them. If you don’t do it this year it will just get harder!

@merrygoround51

Only on Mumsnet are people so obsessed with their own family Christmas. We spent until my eldest was 8 going to DM or DMIL house. When the children got that bit bigger and parents older etc we made the natural progression to our own house. DM and DB come too.

Don’t forget that your dream of a ‘just you’ Christmas will be pretty boring for your DD. She would probably like family around - that’s what Christmas is meant to be about right ?

God I'd have loved a quiet family Christmas when I was a kid, rather than hyped up younger cousins, waiting until grandparents woke up from a nap to open presents, watching my mum spend the day slaving in the kitchen - I just wanted to play with my toys.

You can always mix it up OP, rotate years if you want, invite different people, what about your family? The don't get a mention

Once we had DDs we said to family we would be spending Xmas day at home just us. Some didn't like it- we used to alternate between mine and OHs families, but they got over it!
We tend to pop round to in laws on Xmas eve now and my family on Boxing Day but the day itself it's just us and I love it. Especially now the kids are a bit older, they don't want to be dragged away from new toys and myself and OH can both enjoy a few drinks without having the hassle of driving.
Just tell them. Like others said you have the rule of 6 as a good excuse this year anyway.

I'm no fan of the lockdown restrictions but for people in your situation I think you should use it to your advantage. It's never a good idea to get stuck doing the same thing every Christmas.

DC1 my parents visited and IL's came for the day. Was newborn so first time my parents had seen DC.
DC2's first Christmas, we hired a holiday cottage and both my parents and ILs and us spent a week together. I'm not sure they've spoken since except for ultra civil stilted conversation. And since then, we've spent Christmas just the four of us!

"However, DH's Mum is always extremely keen for us to spend the day, and in fact as many days as possible at her house, and she also hosts DH's 6 siblings and their various partners etc. Some of her DC still live at home and some are grown adults living in their own homes."

That's a lot of people in one room. Looks like the pandemic is your friend here! Regardless of what rules are in place come the time, you can 'only be comfortable' in your own home this year.

Is your husband on the same page as you, or will he buckle to his mum's wants?

@merrygoround51 didn't think I was "obsessed"... . I'm just hoping to start some of our own traditions and I think that's natural.

If there is an issue / conflict (ignoring how rule of 6 changes things for the moment) - how about you do the morning -> lunch at yours and then join them later - that way you join in on Christmas day - but you control the time which is more for your family - stockings / waking up / lunch / etc.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) we are not local to DH's Mum. It's at least a 2 hour drive.

Oh well, there's your 'out' then. Two hours plus in the car with a baby? In winter? Sod that for a game of soldiers.

'I really don't feel up to such a long drive this year, not with the baby and the pandemic making me wary of stopping at service stations. (Possibly throw in veiled allusions of postpartum incontinence too.) We're just going to have a 'little' Christmas this year. Just us three, cosy at home.'

We just said one year that it was too much for ds. It didn’t seem fair to have him opening his presents to then rush off to have lunch at PILs when he just wanted to play with his new toys. He’s a Jan baby and we did his first Christmas at theirs, we did lunch at home and went round in the afternoon a couple of times but after that we stopped.

The cousins were all ratty and squabbling by the afternoon and the adults were falling asleep or wheeling out the same old family videos they watch every year. My family don’t live here and I don’t see them at Christmas so I always found that quite alienating anyway.

My dcs are quite happy having a Christmas at home doing what they want when they want and getting to choose what film we watch is nice too. If they ever said they wanted to go to gps I’d do it for them but no one seems to want to change how things are for now.