How do you support your OH when he's struggling?

[RaspberryHartleys]

Context: both early thirties, we have been together 3.5 years, lived together for 1.5 years. No DC and we are just in the process of buying a house together (currently renting a flat).

My DP has been struggling a lot during lockdown with his mood. He seems to have quite down days when he is really sad. On these days, he does very little in terms of communicating, housework, sleeping or working. He also usually volunteers a night or so a week and this stops.
These days initially were once every so often and they've got more and more frequent to the point they're every other day.

He works from home full time currently (as do I) and I think he's struggling with little social interaction. He has a health condition that means he is at risk from Covid and so has not ventured out beyond walks and trips to the park etc. We are currently in a local lockdown area.

So far I've suggested:
More exercise - we bought an exercise bike and go on long walks 2/3 times a week
Social time online - he games and so spends 2-3 hrs an evening speaking to and playing with his friends
Spending time virtually with family - he doesnt seem massively interested in this
Taking time off work - he took AL for a week that seemed to help and due to his mood, has ended up taking the rest of this week off after having a chat with his manager this morning.

He says he doesnt know why he feels down, says he doesnt feel stress ever and is struggling to sleep. I'm thinking he may be stressed/maybe even depressed and not be able to recognise it? His work is stable at the moment, financially we're secure (although buying a house is super expensive!) and he hasn't been ill.

Any advice/experience on how best to support him would be greatly appreciated.

I think you have some good ideas but really he needs a GP appt. would he be willing to do that and try medication?

Thanks for your response.

With it being so fluctuating and the fact he's so sure it's pandemic related, he's very against going to the GP at this stage. Honestly, I am struggling with this.

Has anyone had experience of this type of thing themselves? What helped you?

My husband struggles with low mood, the GP suggested taking at John's wart (commonly used to help with pmt), and it does genuinely help. I can tell when he's not been taking it.

Interesting, thanks PP.

Can I ask, do you find yourself struggling? I feel like a horrible person but when he's in a low mood and just plays on games all day, I find myself getting a little overwhelmed with the working a full time job, all the housework/cooking and dealing with all the stuff to do with the new house. With his mood being so bad lately, I've just kind of got on with it - I doubt he even knows who our solicitors are!

I know it's my issue and it's completely not his fault I'm just looking for ways to not feel hard done to I guess!

That's a complicated question for me. I would certainly get fed up with someone sat playing computer games. My h doesn't do that. I think our situation is slightly different, it was triggered when our second child was born, dh went into depression that culminated in him rough handling our newborn and scaring me. He went to counselling. His doctor suggested taking St John's wart. This was 3 years ago. If he stops taking them then we both notice his mood go down. His mood comes out as being grumpy and snappy. I snap back. We bicker. To be perfectly honest our marriage has never been the same. We are not miserable but very much ticking along. I fill my life with things I want to do. I am not sure whether we will stay together when the kids are older, we might grow back together but I wouldn't put a lot on it. Sorry not to be more helpful. I don't think you're responsible for lifting him up though, he's got to do that himself.

I was coming back this morning with a view to saying what I do do to support dh, thinking I'd been harsh last night. I was going to say, I cook good food, encourage exercise, encourage him to go out. But I've just read the thread again and no! You've said you know it's your issue, not his?! It's the other way around! You can't fix this for him.

He's depressed and needs to talk to a gp. Especially if he's vulnerable they may well be able to do a video consultation.

If he is willing to seek help, then that is great, your situation sounds hard and if he's taking charge of his own health that's good. Depression is awful for the sufferer as it tricks them that it's unfixable, that they are unfixable. It's also very hard for the people who live with them and care with them, you have to look after yourself too.

If he won't seek help, really think about your future, and definitely consider calling a halt on the flat purchase. My DH was like this before we had kids. Got down, had a million reasons he couldn't get help, I would run around after him trying to find ways to cheer him, seeking help, doing all the jobs, while he also 'socialised' by playing games, which in hindsight I think exacerbated his separation from me and the rest of the world. He would recover back to his (wonderful) old self, just in time for us to get married / have a baby / buy a house, then get down again. Over time, the stresses of having a family became overwhelming and we are in the process of separating. I'm alone with 3 devastated kids and the main responsibility for earning, childcare, and absolutely everything else. I've joined a group for partners of people with severe chronic depression and it always started the way you describe.

I really hope he can find a way to get help, and you get support too. Is he definitely so vulnerable that neither of you can see people at all, or could that be part of the depression? People with asthma and more serious conditions are even back working in healthcare and schools right now (whether or not this is ideal!), it might be that his mental health struggles are also imprisoning you both a bit and an in person catch up with a friend, even in masks and 2 metres away in a park, would help.

to Rubicon and Lurcher.
Please get this the right way around in your head now, at the outset, and save yourself years, potentially, of trying to do better, be better, in an endless effort to make things right for your DP in the guise of being 'supportive'. This is not something you can fix. It is not your responsibility. Let us be your "Ghosts of Christmas Future". It is so easy to fall into the mindset of being the 'fixer' at increasing cost to your own happiness and well-being. Living with a partner with depression is hard and takes a heavy toll on spouses and families. This is even harder if you think that it is within your gift, or even obligation, to sort out.
I could reference my personal experience of this in greater detail, but after close to 10 years since DP's depression first struck, it's all but broken him and me and us, and I can't even bring myself to talk about it.
Wishing you clarity and courage, OP!

It's a really hard subject. I think there's a feeling that you shouldn't leave someone with depression, you should help them. You wouldn't leave someone because they had heart disease! But I don't think that's a fair comparison. I agree very much with pp's.

What price type own happiness and wellbeing?

What price your own happiness!

Wow, thanks for all the responses and personal experiences. I'm so sorry that others seem to be struggling in similar ways.

I love him and I want to support him in the same way I'd support a loved one with a new job or going through a difficult issue. With this scenario though, I can feel myself getting frustrated as it sometimes feels like I'm the only one trying to help him - he doesnt seem to want to do anything himself. But then I feel terrible as I know that lethargy/unproductivity and low mood are all part of this thing he's struggling with and so of course he finds it hard.

When I wrote the OP, I guess I was looking for some tips or techniques to help him more than I was currently, with my understanding (or hope!) being that if I could work out the right thing to do he'd start to improve and feel better. I hadnt really considered how I was doing with it all as it seems very selfish to do so when the other person is struggling.

I think I'll ask him again to consider the GP and try to step back a bit so he can take responsibility for his own health. It's just difficult to do that stepping back bit as I feel like he's just going to get worse ...

Would there be any other recommendations? I'm pretty lucky in that my mental health has always been pretty good and so I'm trying to learn as much as I can - any thoughts would be welcome.

@RaspberryHartleys I can relate very strongly to your posts. Speaking from a similar position, you do need to protect your own mental health even when it feels selfish - you can't pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes.

I agree that it sounds as though he may be depressed. Our gp is doing phone consultations so maybe that would be an option.

What is his diet like? That can make a difference too.

I wish you lots of luck, it's hard to support someone in this situation and not get frustrated by the inertia.

Thanks @beela and sorry to hear you're going through something similar. Swinging between worry about him, frustration that I dont know how to help and guilt about the frustration is not fun for anyone.

He tends to eat fairly well although that has dipped a little during lockdown. He's not overweight but I'm sure there's room for improvement on the diet front. Thank you.

Before this, were you already the doer and the fixer? It sounds like that is potentially your wider dynamic and if so, that's more of a lookout too.

My DH has depression, and it sounds to me like your DH might well have. You have my sympathy, sometimes it's just really, really hard. We were watching Lord of the Rings the other day, and I realised I felt so much like Sam - watching this person I love struggle with this terrible burden and I can't carry it for them.

It's not always like that though - and I'm sure it won't be for you. There are bad days, but they're not every day. If this is triggered by lockdown, then hopefully once this is over he'll start to improve.

Things I've found help:
Medication - may take a while to get the right one, but it's really worth trying to get him to talk to the doctor.

Getting outside/exercising - you've said this, I'm just agreeing!

Me appreciating what he has done. Tough when you feel like it's you doing everything. But what I have to remember is that on a bad day, it's probably taken DH more effort to get out of bed than it has for me to work for 8 hours. If he's done the washing up on top of that, it's not too trivial for me to appreciate.

Interesting point @OverTheRubicon

I would say that I'm the planner, the organised one. He's (in usual times) much more spontaneous.

Having said that, he works full time, contributes to housework (although not as much as I'd like really), volunteers and is the more sociable one out of the two of us. So he'd probably say he was more of a doer in normal times.

Thanks for your thoughts @110APiccadilly and I'm sorry to hear your DP is struggling with similar issues. I can definitely be more appreciative.

At the moment, he just doesnt seem to have the drive. He gets up late morning, gets washed and dressed and sits in front of a screen all day. In the last fortnight or so he's finally started using the exercise bike a bit more (we bought it in April) but doesnt seem to have much energy for walks (I do try to encourage him to do them though), housework, paperwork for the house purchase or even anything fun like sex etc.

It's really hard to see him so down and be a bit useless at trying to help so any suggestions and/or advice is very welcome. Thank you

I've been there, OP & it wasn't a happy ending.

Firstly- would he agree to do one of the NHS online depression scoring questionnaires? And see a GP with that?

Secondly, it's HIS responsibility to do something about this - you are not his mother! Try to step back & see if he takes responsibility.

Thirdly - having been there, I would very carefully consider your future, especially if you want to have DC.

IME, depression gets worse as you go through the challenges of life (apparently peaks at 45ish in men)

In my case, he was unable to contribute to family life, unable to keep a job & the resentment from carrying the load of family life broke my love for him.

We are now separating, with 2 primary aged DC.

I would never have moved in with him, if I'd known (he kept it from me). I found out mid-30's when the biological clock was ticking. I stayed as I was desperate to have children.

@BloodyMiserable virtually the same story here, and with so many other women on this thread. And again and again in the support group I joined. OP I firmly hope yours turns out differently, but please please really think about your next steps, including the house, and also about the role you choose to take. From the other side, reading these types of threads feels like watching a slow motion car crash just about to happen and just too far away to stop...

@OverTheRubicon wise words, and ones I really am taking onboard.

For those suggesting that this could be a risky situation (buying the house etc while he's struggling), how would you handle it?

I dont feel comfortable with walking away because hes struggling to go to the GP but I do see the risk that I could become default caregiver rather than partner if I dont take a step back and also focus on my needs.

It's so hard to balance his medical needs with our vision of us I have in my head

@RaspberryHartleys - in answer to your question, I suggest you rent for a bit longer.

Ask him to make a GP appt. See how he responds to helping himself. Perhaps think of some kind of time limit in your mind eg 6-12 months at most. If things are not better at the set time, leave.

Do not waste your precious fertility on someone who may inadvertently cause you years of misery ahead.

How about asking him to refer himself directly through IAPT www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-psychological-therapies-service/ for (evidence based) talking therapy?

Then he can do the first call (would be videolink ATM) and tell them how it is, even if it is driven by circs it's still real, and they can try to help him. He doesn't have to 'officially' have depression or be referred by a GP.

Might be more attractive than the GP as it's not someone he will have to see again, he doesn't have to open the conversation that he's come about his mood (which he could be embarrassed about), because if he's referred himself to IAPT that's a given, and he could see it as them helping him deal with the impacts of pandemic rather than him being diagnosed with depression, if he's resistant to being labelled.

Thanks both, good advice.

It's about him taking a role in managing his own health. I just have to keep telling myself that rather than me seeing it as not supporting him at a tough time.

Really appreciate the input, thank you

Presumably if he's struggling to work, and we're in the middle of a pandemic, and he isn't lifting a finger to help with the purchase, you have a pretty good rationale to pause on a house purchase, regardless of any worries you may have about your future?

@MotherOfCrocodiles it's a good idea about IAPT, but the wait in most areas is surely immense? Here it's heading to a year, unless you have another risk factor like being recently postpartum etc. OP if you have private health cover with work, or he has access to an Employee Assistance Programme, now is the time to use it.

It's a good point @OverTheRubicon

Until the last fortnight, these down days were infrequent. He is still working, he's just taken some short notice AL but I take your point - what happens when the AL runs out?

This house is perfect for us however and we are pretty far into the process. I'm not sure we can afford to drop out at this stage but one to speak to the solicitor about.

Thanks again