How do you support your OH when he's struggling?

[RaspberryHartleys]

Context: both early thirties, we have been together 3.5 years, lived together for 1.5 years. No DC and we are just in the process of buying a house together (currently renting a flat).

My DP has been struggling a lot during lockdown with his mood. He seems to have quite down days when he is really sad. On these days, he does very little in terms of communicating, housework, sleeping or working. He also usually volunteers a night or so a week and this stops.
These days initially were once every so often and they've got more and more frequent to the point they're every other day.

He works from home full time currently (as do I) and I think he's struggling with little social interaction. He has a health condition that means he is at risk from Covid and so has not ventured out beyond walks and trips to the park etc. We are currently in a local lockdown area.

So far I've suggested:
More exercise - we bought an exercise bike and go on long walks 2/3 times a week
Social time online - he games and so spends 2-3 hrs an evening speaking to and playing with his friends
Spending time virtually with family - he doesnt seem massively interested in this
Taking time off work - he took AL for a week that seemed to help and due to his mood, has ended up taking the rest of this week off after having a chat with his manager this morning.

He says he doesnt know why he feels down, says he doesnt feel stress ever and is struggling to sleep. I'm thinking he may be stressed/maybe even depressed and not be able to recognise it? His work is stable at the moment, financially we're secure (although buying a house is super expensive!) and he hasn't been ill.

Any advice/experience on how best to support him would be greatly appreciated.

My only advise would be to stay strong - for yourself.

You don't know what the future holds with you OH, but please do things that will help you, both now and in the future.

Make an effort with friends (old and new), find a sport you enjoy, get involved locally with groups and hobbies, have a wish list that you actively use (post virus travel plans for example)

Good luck

Thanks for the kind words @SausageCrush

Hi op my husband has ADHD so different situation sometimes when hes low he wants to be left alone and will go out for a bike ride ect others he wants hugs and reassure from me. It's hard to know what the best thing to do is sometimes. I work in a gp surgery we have a community mental health nurse they dont prescribe medication and would need to refer to the gp for that but they can offer support and refer to other services and support groups would he consider something like that? You can also sometimes refer yourself to talking therapies they offer things like CBT ect. Might also be worth him looking up support groups online , Is he eating well, sleeping, taking exercise? Is he talking to you about his feelings ? Dont forget it's hard to support someone with mental health difficulties and it's natural to feel frustrated as you cant take the problem away and are limited in what you are able to do.

Thanks @Sleephead1

Weve had a chat this evening and he is still very against the thought of going the GP as he sees it as entirely pandemic-related. Given that it looks like we'll be in this for a while longer yet, I made the point that some medication or tips and techniques from the doctor may help but he isn't onboard.

He is going to call up his employee assistance programme however which does feel like a bit of a win - thanks for the suggestion PP!

I'm beginning to worry about the future. The pandemic is obviously once in a lifetime (hopefully!) issue but I'm concerned about how he will cope during the move to the new house, if I ever get ill, if we do have kids etc.

And then I feel terrible for this. If he is more fragile mental health wise, should I really be thinking like this?

Gosh, this is hard.

It is hard @RaspberryHartleys, but not impossible. Keep talking to him, it sounds as though you are making some progress but it may take time.

@RaspberryHartleys - your first responsibility is to yourself & your own happiness.

It is very hard with a depressed partner. But you are correct to worry - he doesn't really have many responsibilities now, yet doesn't seem to be coping with life in general - and not acting upon it. It's the ostrich approach.

I think you need to take a big step back, fill your life with friends, hobbies, work etc. See what he does to help himself & if things change within the next few months.

imagine how you would feel in 20 years if things are the same?

I honestly don't think I would go through with the house purchase. What if things don't work out & you end up in negative equity with him? Or can't sell?

H has run out of St John's wart... Bloody nora, I can tell! 9:20am and have sent him to the chemist...

With all MH issues the bottom line is that someone has to take responsibility for themselves and want help to do something about it. He has to own it, it's pointless otherwise.

You can support and help but you cannot do that for him.

I think it all hinges on that really. All you can do is safeguard yourself. For example think very carefully before starting a family with him if he really is not able to own this and take responsibility for it.

That's not to say he is a bad person - it's really difficult to truly take responsibility for yourself. I'm not surprised he struggles with it.

But you need to protect yourself. And also don't drain your internal resources into him and his difficulties.

Thanks all.

He has an appointment via work for next week so hopefully that will help.

I understand what people are saying and the whole put your oxygen mask on first makes sense. I guess I'm just nervous about the future. I'm also struggling with the thought of potentially being in a position where I need to end a relationship or at least take a step back due to someone's health problems.

It would be a lot easier if this was an addiction problem or a physical illness that he had somehow caused and then refused to get help for. It feels different as he didnt choose to be struggling mentally and part of the condition is not having the drive to fix things. It seems harsh

Yes but! It would be really really harsh for you to have your enjoyment of your life limited by living within the confines of someone else's mental health issues. Especially if they're not doing anything about it. What if things are the same as they are now but it's 20yrs later, you're married, mortgaged, you've got kids and a dog, you feel like you're doing it on your own, and worse, you don't have someone you can turn to at the end of the day and laugh with. Instead you have someone who brings your mood down and adds to your load. And probably places some blame at your feet, into the bargain. You'll regret it. I'm not saying that will happen. But.