Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Discovered my dd age 8 is being bullied online.

77 replies

Juk3 · 30/09/2020 12:14

So yesterday I discovered my dd had been on the receiving end of some horrible messages from her so called best friend. The other child's mother won't accept her child is in the wrong and has blamed my dd for being controlling and mulniputive towards her child. The other child has been sending demands, telling dd who she can and can't talk to at school and threats if she dares to talk to anybody else or doesn't do as she says, these are long paragraphs/statements and extremely horrible. My dd has sent nothing more the "no" "sorry I am busy" "I don't want to" "can you please stop" so how she can be in the wrong I don't know. The other child has been sending multiple other girls in the class messages about dd and how she doesn't like her but don't tell her etc etc and the same thing has happened on FaceTime and over heard by a parent who then mentioned it prompting me looking back over the messages. I have seen messages from 3 parents so far where the other girl is being mean about dd and then warning the girls off from playing with her, all very unkind and uncalled for. The 3 other girls have told dd in messages what has been going on and dd has said it's fine she doesn't mean it. How do I get through to dd that she doesn't have to deal with this rubbish and move on and secondly how do I deal with the other parent as the behaviour needs to stop.

OP posts:
Catrina123 · 30/09/2020 13:11

When they’re messaging (with supervision) and something nasty is said could you intervene and Reply saying ‘this is xx mum, and I don’t want anyone being nasty to each other’ Without naming names and ask the other mums who told you About the messages to do the same if the girl messages mean things. I expect it’s not just your dd being targeted, or if it is, another will fall victim soon. Then the girl knows she’s being monitored?!

If my son was on a chat and saw someone else being mean to someone else’s child I wouldn’t hesitate...

Sorry about weird capitals!

StitchInTimeSavesNine · 30/09/2020 13:12

Tell the school. Gather evidence.

Tell your dd that she won't be allowed on messenger or on FaceTime any more.

Ask her to not involve herself any further with the former friend.

Encourage her to play with other dc in her class. This little pocket of dc where they are on iPads messaging each other at age eight is not the norm so there will be other dc in the class that aren't doing this,

LJenn · 30/09/2020 13:16

Have you shown the school, child's mother, and other parents these messages as proof? Have the other parents come forward to the school about what they've witnessed? Get them informed of everything, get them involved and please just get your daughter offline. There are enough adult-idiots online, never mind an 8 year old having to tolerate a little sneaky shit harassing her.

CorianderLord · 30/09/2020 13:17

Block the other girls number and tell the school

MiniMum97 · 30/09/2020 13:22

Screenshot the messages and go to the school. Every time. Do not try to engage with other parents.

I did this when this happened to my son and the school came down in it like a shot. Having the screenshots makes it so much easier for them. As offline bullying can be get harder to pinpoint blame and there's a lot of he said she said. With screenshots the proof is all there.

As others have said though she should have zero unsupervised internet access at the moment and if she has access to messages (which tbh I would disable if you can) you need to check these daily.

This gets harder as they get older as they have more access to more things but I was supervising my son quite strictly until he was 13/14 which is how I picked up on the bullying quickly and was able to step in.

It escalates very quickly ime.

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 13:30

8 year olds shouldn’t have phones and be left unsupervised.

I know a parent eco took her child out of school and put them in another one, due
to her child being bullied via phone. (DC was 10) My question was - why on earth not block the kids number at the very least?!

TableFlowerss · 30/09/2020 13:30

The dc was 9 not 10

louise4745 · 30/09/2020 13:47

Hi OP. From my experience school won't care about the texts. They will simply say it was out of school and she shouldn't have access to the internet.

Also do you honestly believe 100% that your daughter has not deleted messages she has sent to the other girl.

My dd has had hassle from "friends" I delete and block their number but they they make up and she begs for it back. I won't be unblocking it now they can chat at school however they like to play a game online whilst chatting.

Kalula · 30/09/2020 13:51

At 8 years old, she should have access a mobile phone. At all. End of story. If she wanted to send a message to her friend, you should type and send it for her. She shouldn't even be looking at your phone let alone using it. I wouldn't allow mine to even touch one until they're around 12, at the earliest. Why do parents think they're toys to let their kids play with? She's an 8 year old. Give a Fisher Price plastic phone or one of those fake ones.

Kalula · 30/09/2020 14:01

*shouldn't have access, that should be.

youdidask · 30/09/2020 14:08

There is very good reasons for the age restrictions on social media and messaging platforms. 8 year olds are not emotionally mature enough to use them wisely or nicely.
Your job as a parent is to make her home a safe space and by allowing unmonitored access to messaging you have failed.
Take the device away
Block the friend and talk to the school.

Woundedadmiral · 30/09/2020 14:10

I'm sorry but this is what happens if you allow children online.

SummerHouse · 30/09/2020 14:17

I don't think this has anything to do with the school. If you invited some girls round to your house and they were mean it's not for the school to sort out. This is the virtual equivalent. It might be helpful for a teacher to be aware there is an issue but it is not their problem to sort.

Oblomov20 · 30/09/2020 14:22

Christ almighty. No 8 year old should be online.

But take screenshots and send to teacher, because this girl's behaviour to your dd and her encouraging other girls to be nasty, needs immediate stopping.

RantAndDec · 30/09/2020 14:29

Online messaging platforms have been a godsend for my DCs social life during lockdown. Whilst there are still lockdown measures, either implemented now or yet to come, it's difficult for children to play with one another after school. I do get why you allow your DC to chat with friends, OP. And as a pp said, you now have proof of the other girl's nastiness.

Previous posters have implied that this is your fault. It isn't. You didn't make another girl bully your daughter, and you could never ever check their interactions on the schoolyard the way you can online. So don't beat yourself up.

I'd encourage her to forge new friendships, and to ignore this mean girl. Block her.

AlternativePerspective · 30/09/2020 14:32

I have asked for this to be deleted because I am now worried the girls mum might see it and the situation will escalate. yeah, of course you are. Hmm.

Typical response.... OP: I have discovered XYZ. Responses: “you bear some responsibility here.” OP: “I’m going to ask for this to be deleted as it’s outing.”

If you think that posting eight year old is online and by so little information you think that’s outing, then maybe you should ask yourself why that is.

Because posting so little information really isn’t outing.

Fudgefeet · 30/09/2020 14:40

Your child is 8. That’s what happens when you let children have phones and message each other.

SE13Mummy · 30/09/2020 15:40

As your DD is using imessage, block the numbers of the others involved so she is unable to receive messages from them. This won't address what has already happened and won't prevent them from messaging one another but it will give her space from the drama. If you haven't already, make sure the iPad is set up so she is unable to download apps without you putting in a restrictions password.

HattonsMustard · 30/09/2020 15:58

Look the lesson has been learned so now you just move forward. There is no point everyone piling on the whole unsupervised bit. It's done.

@Juk3 Report it to school, send them copies of the screenshots and let them deal with it.

Don't worry about the other Mum and her reaction. Her daughter wrote those messages, she needs to learn you cannot cyberbully a child or treat people this way.

There is a lot of blackmail type situation by children who don't know how to phrase things differently. ie I would really like to sit next to you on the coach turns into I will not play with you at break unless you sit next to me on the coach. So there is the threat. I volunteer in a primary school so I am used to seeing this.

Marmite133 · 30/09/2020 22:30

Hey @Just2MoreSeasons
Probably not as it links to suicide rates in children quite strongly. And generally is quite shocking/overwhelming (well I thought it was) and so might be 'too much' for an 11 year old. They can really worry about things especially when they don't fully understand them. Worth you watching and talking to her about the appropriate bits after though!

Littleyellowbowl · 30/09/2020 22:40

She's 8 and messaging unsupervised Shock thats exactly how this happens. Cant go online, can't get bullied online! Simple. Its far too much responsibility to give an 8 year old!

SD1978 · 30/09/2020 22:45

Don't feel bad about the online component- my daughter is also 8 and has kids messenger. As an only child, it's been brilliant for her to be able to keep in touch with friends, since she hasn't seen them properly in person for months. If this 'friend' is going to be a bully, delete her. This has been one of the biggest lessons I've been trying to teach my daughter- walk away. Continue to have contact with the other friends, maybe start trying to organise some face to face time with them if restrictions allow?

Lovelydayforit · 30/09/2020 22:56

I can’t help but think the online element is being overplayed here in most of the responses so far. I certainly remember treatment like this from 8 year old friends in the playground at school. This is primarily about unkindness and bullying behaviours. OP, ask yourself how you would deal with this if you heard that your DD had been subjected to this at school/ at a sleepover, and deal with it the same way.

Just2MoreSeasons · 01/10/2020 07:26

Thanks so much Marmite123, I’ll do as you suggest and watch it myself.

loutypips · 01/10/2020 07:46

Screenshot and send to the school.