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Original poster

Discovered my dd age 8 is being bullied online.

77 replies

Juk3 · 30/09/2020 12:14

So yesterday I discovered my dd had been on the receiving end of some horrible messages from her so called best friend. The other child's mother won't accept her child is in the wrong and has blamed my dd for being controlling and mulniputive towards her child. The other child has been sending demands, telling dd who she can and can't talk to at school and threats if she dares to talk to anybody else or doesn't do as she says, these are long paragraphs/statements and extremely horrible. My dd has sent nothing more the "no" "sorry I am busy" "I don't want to" "can you please stop" so how she can be in the wrong I don't know. The other child has been sending multiple other girls in the class messages about dd and how she doesn't like her but don't tell her etc etc and the same thing has happened on FaceTime and over heard by a parent who then mentioned it prompting me looking back over the messages. I have seen messages from 3 parents so far where the other girl is being mean about dd and then warning the girls off from playing with her, all very unkind and uncalled for. The 3 other girls have told dd in messages what has been going on and dd has said it's fine she doesn't mean it. How do I get through to dd that she doesn't have to deal with this rubbish and move on and secondly how do I deal with the other parent as the behaviour needs to stop.

OP posts:

AlternativePerspective · 30/09/2020 12:30

Firstly, eight is too young to have any device which has access to the internet, even supervised.

You need to remove all internet access as a starting point, and accept that you have some responsibility here. Eight year olds can be horrible creatures, but tbh the screen does not convey emotion, so it’s very easy to become aggressive online without thinking about what you’re doing.

Speak to the school about the messages and let them deal. Don’t engage with the parents, it will never end well.

And then, (and I know this might not be a popular view,) online bullying is much easier to deal with than face to face bullying, because all you have to do is to remove your daughter from the online world and the bullies can’t send her horrible messages. They can say what they like to each other and you can’t stop that. But they can’t directly get to your DD.

Original poster

Juk3 · 30/09/2020 12:30

I have screenshot them so yes I have copies.

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 30/09/2020 12:31

Gosh I police my 12 year olds whats app and messages as he doesn't have the maturity yet to understand how imitation and nuances come across via text. I can't imagine leaving my 8 year old to his own devices. (He does talk to friends online, but usually where I can hear).

Easiest way to deal with this is to remove it from her. Delete the other girls details. They are back at school and can communicate in real life.

Have a quiet word with the teacher to explain if she sees anything in class this is why. (You need to acknowledge responsibility for allowing your child to message). But then teacher can just make sure she is happy in school.

Mumdiva99 · 30/09/2020 12:33

Not imitation....that doesn't make sense. Sorry autocorrect.
Not even sure what I meant....maybe intimation or inference....

Original poster

Juk3 · 30/09/2020 12:33

I have asked for this to be deleted because I am now worried the girls mum might see it and the situation will escalate.

OP posts:

Atalune · 30/09/2020 12:34

It’s just so dumb to let your child on devices that young unsupervised.

Lesson learned.

You should watch the Netflix doc the Social Dilemma

Atalune · 30/09/2020 12:35

@Juk3 don’t be ridiculous.

Bikingbear · 30/09/2020 12:35

I'd speak with school. But at the same time I think I'd restrict DDs online activities.

Lockdownfatigue · 30/09/2020 12:36

Ok OP, plenty of people are going to tell you this but you should always be in the room when video calls are taking place and she shouldn’t be imessaging. Lots of kids have had access to FaceTime etc at a younger age than they otherwise would have because of lockdown. But my dd is 11 and she’s only allowed to FaceTime with me in the room. She can chat on messenger from my messenger account but I read the conversation when she’s done and she knows she isn’t allowed to delete or remove messages, and that I would see if she had.

You’re responsible here OP for not supervising her.

Original poster

Juk3 · 30/09/2020 12:37

I don't think I am being ridiculous

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 30/09/2020 12:38

Always always always handle this shit through school.

Atalune · 30/09/2020 12:38

The mum isn’t going to see.

slipperywhensparticus · 30/09/2020 12:43

Children are going online younger and younger these days lesson learned people lets move on

Encourage your child to have more irl relationships (which is hard right now i get that)

Speak to the school and show them everything all the bullying that's been going on they will probably do what everyone else is doing which is blame you solely but you never know someone might have the sense to work out that your child is being bullied and its the bully's fault

Marmite133 · 30/09/2020 12:44

As a teacher, I've had so many parents bring in printed out messages, conversations, evidence of 'bullying'. It is awful, but as a school it's extremely difficult for us to tackle this as we shouldn't really be getting involved in managing children's behaviour outside school. Otherwise, where would it end? I I used to try but I'd have parents back and forth every day; 'look at what xx said on whatsapp last night', 'this is what was said on imessage' and I just couldn't do anything about it. It took so much of my time and it didn't help at all because the kids would all be back on there that night! In the same way that I wouldn't give a child detention because they'd called someone names in the park at the weekend.
I always tell the parents the same thing - do not allow them to access the platform and there won't be any more messages.
Have you watched the social dilemma? Very interesting info on the impact of social media (which includes messaging) on kids' mental health. It's not about 'Stranger Danger' and chat rooms - what they have to deal with from their peers is far more of a threat.

Kanaloa · 30/09/2020 12:44

This is exactly why young children shouldn’t be online alone. They don’t yet have the maturity to use the internet correctly. Some eight year olds (indeed some adults) will say hurtful things over the internet, especially since they don’t see the other person’s reaction so they can feel they’ve gotten away with their bullying behaviour.

Can she not FaceTime her friends with your supervision/support? That way she can stay in touch if she needs to without being vulnerable.

Trut · 30/09/2020 12:50

‘Op if she didn’t have access to messaging she wouldn’t be getting bullied ‘online’’

‘Encourage your child to have more irl relationships’

Op’s Dd would still be bullied, just offline and irl relationships with her ‘friend’. It would just be harder to pinpoint and prove

I think the internet is great, bullies are usually too stupid to hide their behaviour online and it is easier to find evidence. Without the messaging, OP would have no idea that her daughter was being bullied by her friend!

I would come down hard on this and call it out loudly. Don’t let others at school minimise it just for an easy life, bullies are awful and the impact is so long lasting. It doesn’t matter if the ‘friend’ is 8 or 48, this is very poor behaviour. And the mum sounds like quite a bully too (or at minimum unaware and aggressive).

tearsandtiaras · 30/09/2020 12:52

what online platform is this on? there is clear guidance about age restrictions

Marmite133 · 30/09/2020 12:55

And I didn't put 'bullying' in the sense that's not what your daughter is experiencing. I just mean that some parents say bullying when it isn't (as per the definition in the school's anti-bullying policy) and are quick to use the term.
Definately inform the school but do not expect them to punish the other children for something that's happened out of school time. It's a fine line.
I hope your daughter is OK.

Redcups64 · 30/09/2020 12:55

Your daughter seems to be blasé about it.

Is that because she just doesn’t care as she is too mature for her age and has a wider understanding or does she not understand what is going on?

If she does I’d take her lead on it, she obviously doesn’t care about these friends in a good way.

If she doesn’t understand id tell her and ask her what she wants to do about it- if anything- and if not how things like this could be tackled going forward if your daughter doesn’t like confrontation.

Dreading2020sSeasonFinale · 30/09/2020 12:58

Why is your 8 year old child online?

Sorry OP, you made the old MN mistake of admitting your child has internet access. Berating is all you will get here and not much advice.

Personally ai would block the little girl on everything and tell the school she is manipulating friends and bullying your DD. They may have a "talk" about online bullying and what they should not be sending on messenger etc. Might work with the bully. It's worth a shot.

Marmite133 · 30/09/2020 12:58

^Op’s Dd would still be bullied, just offline and irl relationships with her ‘friend’. It would just be harder to pinpoint and prove^

Most of the time, children (like adults) would never dream of saying anything in person or actually doing the things they say they'll do. It's the online distance that enables them to say things they'd never say irl. That's what's so dangerous about it.

madcow88 · 30/09/2020 13:02

How on earth has your DD managed to be bullied online not noticed?? I have a DD aged 9 and I monitor her Internet usage very regularly. I'm absolutely appalled that an 8 year old is being so unsupervised especially when it is so well known how dangerous the online world is for vulnerable children.... wow! MN never fails to amaze me.

madcow88 · 30/09/2020 13:02

Dreading2020sSeasonFinale · 30/09/2020 13:04

Oh and because you know this is happening, get her off messaging for now to stop her getting upset further. Deactivate iMessage on the iPad if you can and say it's not working right now. Do encourage the other girls mums to let you know if further messages about your DD, that way you know what you're up against and what is being said.

Just2MoreSeasons · 30/09/2020 13:04

Agree with tell the school and monitor all texts, or simply keep her off them.
Marmite133 please could you tell me whether, in your opinion, The Social Dilemma would be appropriate viewing for an 11 year old? There's no parental guidance on it and I'm hoping it might be good to get some discussions going with dd. Thankyou

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