I want to move but husband doesn’t

[LionessRoar]

I’ve been unhappy where we are for many years. The area and house are lovely but the problem is my family, who I am close to live over 4 hours drive away. I want to be able to pop in for a coffee and chat etc not just the occasional weekend away. I miss my sister desperately and the whole lockdown has highlighted that even more. We call regularly, use zoom etc but it’s a small compensation and I am desperately lonely without her. I don’t have children and my husband is very career focused.
I go up there a couple of times a year and find the drive horrendous tbh. The train would be even worse due to numerous changeovers and I am autistic so cannot cope with the crowded trains etc. I also have Some mobility issues which mean I struggle with cases etc.
My husband would struggle to get a comparable job in the area I want to move to and does not want to split his time between where we are now and where we would move to. So whilst we could afford two places, it won’t solve the problem.
I work very part time due to the issues mentioned above and would struggle to find a better paid/ full time job because of this. I am so scared that something will happen to one of us, or in old age it will mean we can no longer see each other, possibly for years, or even a decade or two. How can I resolve this? Anyone any ideas or solutions? I don’t want to leave my husband over this but also I need to spend more time with my family.

Is there anywhere a bit nearer to your sister than 4 hours that could be a reasonable compromise? Asking your DH to give up his career so that you can have a weekly coffee with your sister is a bit much, but maybe if it was an hour or two you could do it more often?

Just keep talking...

How did you end up in your present location

If you can afford a second house in your parents location go for it. Then you can both be happy. Your autism doesn’t trump your DHs need for happiness

I would focus on building more supportive relationships where you are, and also increase the number of visits home.

I imagine moving home looks rosy tinted but if you did, it might not be the experience you are imagining.

Thank you for your replies. I would never expect my husband to give up his career for me and certainly do not think my autism trumps his need for happiness. I was just trying to give as much information as I could. Originally moved down here with my abusive ex

Thank you Stompy, sorry I must’ve missed ur post as I was posting at the same time. Yes you’re probably right that moving back is somewhat rose-tinted. I do have a small group of friends which is nice, but not the same.
I would love to increase my visits but feel awkward inviting myself over. I have suggested many times to my husband that we go for a few daŷs away eg once a year to a nearby beauty spot and meet up etc. He likes my sister and partner but has only gone on To visit twice in 11 years of marriage and One of those was for my brother’s wedding, which he insisted on leaving early. He can be selfish and doesn’t put himself out for anyone. I feel this creates an extra barrier which doesn’t help. For those people that think I’m being unfair, would you really not to expect to visit sometimes as a couple? I fee, that would help as we can share the driving on those occasions, make it a nice weekend away and have the distraction of company whilst driving, generally making the trip easier and more enjoyable. He has much more annual leave than most people and only works 3 days a week so he has plenty of time to do this. And as I say he gets on with my sister and I am sociable and welcoming to his family when we get together, so I feel like this should be a two way thing. I guess part of my frustration is that we always do things his way and my needs don’t ever get taken into account.

Are you happy in your marriage?

hi op is your dh working from home more atm? There must be somewhere a bit closer but still accessible to dh work.

There are two of you and since you are at home a lot, your feelings are valid.

I am mostly happy in my marriage, yes. Although it isn’t perfect, we get on well and I love him. He is a good, kind man but I just get frustrated because he can be stubborn and I feel most things work in his favour. While we mostly work well, it feels like it is because we either happen to want the same thing, or I put my feelings aside when they clash with his. He doesn’t compromise well and I feel like I’m always the one giving, which is why I was surprised the first few comments seemed to imply I was being selfish. Maybe I am with this, but I feel like I am expected to just orbit around his life, rather than us being an equal team.
My DH isn’t working from home, he doesn’t have that kind of job. But he is only in the office 3 days a week, with the occasional zoom meeting every few weeks which he can dial into from home.

I've been in a similar situation. Used to live 3 hours from family. Is there any chance your DH can work from home? Or is it a career which isn't possible to do that? Are you able to work from home? My DH worked from home full time (way before corona) and this allowed us to move to the same village as my family. DH liked the move as he hated living in the city and now enjoys quiet village life.

I really feel for you as I get how you are feeling. My DH didn't come visit my family often either (allergic to my parents' dog but I also think he liked a quiet house as I'd take our kid with me!).

Is there anything about your family's area that would appeal to your DH? Nicer place to live? Hobbies he could have there?

Sorry just seen your DH can't work from home. It sounds like an honest conversation is needed. Point out to him how you have accommodated his needs and wants and ask him where his contribution is.

It's difficult but even if your dh could work from home at the moment, that may not last. And If he works in a specific industry, the majority of the jobs and therefore his career advancement may be tied to one area.

If he's the major breadwinner, I can see his concern.

Can you establish a routine where you go home one weekend a month. And if it's four hours, can you fly or get the train? Off peak fares booked in advanced are cheaper.

It's a lot less expensive than moving, Would that work?

RainingDogs - thank you. I’m sorry you were in a similar situation but glad things worked out for you. There is a lot that would appeal to DH about my family’s area but he shuts it down and cannot even consider what I’m saying. The area is at least as nice (I would say nicer) than where we are now, people are generally friendlier and the house prices are much much cheaper than where we are now. Amenities etc are similar - we live semi rurally now and whilst my sister lives in an urban area we can easily find lots of semi rural places nearby. Plus, we are down south now but if we moved we would be surrounded by stunning national parks and much closer to places like the Lake District, Wales, even the Scottish Borders which we could explore in holiday time... as it stands at the moment any of those places are a days full travel away. We both love the Lakes but not been for over 10 years as the travel puts us both off (him mostly)... he hasn’t been to most of the surrounding areas to really appreciate the beauty there, or looked properly at house prices. He doesn’t have hobbies except for gaming so wouldn’t make a difference in that respect. I have pointed out the sacrifices I’ve made and asked when he was going to contribute, but unfortunately things got a bit heated last night and I didn’t point that out in the calmest of manner

Op, the issue here is that it sounds like you don’t control the finances, so it is his way or no way. He doesn’t like visiting - I think that is not going to change and you are distressing yourself hoping that it will.

If you have the money, buy yourself somewhere small to live nearer home. Take responsibility for it, and enjoy it. Make it lovely and Invite your DH there often. Maybe he will come round? Or maybe you will both drift apart? But it will come to a resolution.

Thank you Mint, yes I agree it would be very difficult. And he really couldn’t (and wouldn’t) move due to his career. Trains are a good idea, but I simply couldn’t cope with them and would end up having a major meltdown. Used them in the past before I learned to drive in my 30s and I would often end up crying in the station due to being overwhelmed. Also, whilst I said money isn’t a problem, that is true but my personal money is limited and I just couldn’t afford to go up by train anywhere near that often. Flying would be perfect as only a quick flight and I love flying and find local airports pretty stress free. Unfortunately the nearest airports are approx an hour’s drive from my sisters and I think 45 mins from my house, so would then have to hire a car/ get taxi/ train either end... but that could be an option so will have a think about how I could maybe make that work

Sorry Persona, cross posted. Your solution is exactly what I was initially thinking of but you are right I don’t control the money. I earn an absolute pittance tbh and he does give me an allowance to top it up, but I have no financial security and most of what I have goes by the end of the month. The only way I would get access to enough money to buy a small flat or something, without his permission, would be to divorce him. And I don’t want to do that, despite his faults. I suspect even if he did agree and I got somewhere, that he would rarely visit due to the travel and we would drift apart soon after

Op I'm in a similar situation though my dh has agreed to move and we've now sold house (Sttc), bought a house (half the price of current one and nicer), I've got a job and dh hoping to have an offer soon, school for dc arranged.

Lockdown was the final nail in the coffin tbh. I moved here 15 years ago to be with him with promises at the beginning that we would move near my family. Life happened and we have had a very nice life here but there was always a feeling on my part of not being settled and content. I do think it's slightly different that you didn't move for him iyswim.
My dh has seen how hard it's been during lockdown not being able to fly to see them. He was quite anti moving, citing limited job opportunities etc but he's been very surprised that there are many jobs there for him (engineering) and that he won't have to take a pay cut.

I would keep talking to your dh. It's not until you explore things opening and honestly- look at the pros and cons, financially and emotionally etc. At the end of the day we wouldn't have moved at this time had it been a very bad financial decision but we're lucky it hasn't. Btw I earn more than dh and got a job offer instantly so we have that security to fall back on- and no mortgage is a bonus.

I hope it all works out for you. That feeling of being far from loved ones is horrible.

The problem is, moving 4 hours away (or even 2 hours as a compromise) is quite a change and a big move, and seeing as you were living in your current area when you met DH, it seems unfair to me to expect him to turn his own life upside down so you can be nearer your family.

Where are his family? What about his friends? Your friends?

There's so much to think about when you make a move like this, and who's to say that your sister will stay where she is forever anyway?

You don't say how old you are, but do you think that maybe worrying about what will happen in your old age is kind of catastrophising a little bit at the moment? Do you need to worry about old age yet? There's always the chance to move when you and DH retire, for example?

I think a better approach would be to work out how you can meet up more often, rather than moving.

OP, do some financial sleuthing and find out all about what your DH has.

Then divorce him.

Sorry, but if there are no issues about money AND you only have a pittance then the problem is not about where you live. The problem is the marriage.

It sounds like you could do with marriage counselling to help you discuss this calmly together. I know with everything going on that that's probably not an option but could be for the future. Someone mediating you both could really help you hash this out in a controlled manner.

Does it get quite heated when you discuss this and then he just shuts down?

I think there are quite a lot of legit remote working opportunities right now, something you could look into for yourself perhaps? Just to get a bit more money of your own.

Thanks for all the replies. Marriage counselling to discuss this would be a good idea. He tends to shut down any discussions he doesn’t want to have and then I get frustrated and hurt so things do get quite heated. Basically things are fine when I agree but if I ever have a different viewpoint I am made to feel small and stupid and he always has the final say on significant matters.
We are both in our 40s so I don’t need to worry about old age now but I want to enjoy the time I have whilst I’m still fairly young, not ignore things till I’m old or in poor health. Also there is no way he will move after retirement... I know how settled and stuck in his ways he gets and he has a habit of making false promises so I can’t trust to wait around for the next 20 years on false hope.
I know it’s a huge ask to move so far away. His job is a major problem but he has no other real ties: no hobbies and friends (he never leaves the house unless at work) and he has family local but he doesn’t like them and finds them intrusive/ avoids seeing them unless he has to.
I do have a small group of friends but I am fine moving away from them. It is very true that my sister could move away but unlikely as she has many friends and both her and her partner have family all local.
The money side of things terrifies me tbh. I cannot imagine being able to ever work full time out of the house, have very few skills and no pension. I am so ashamed to admit that but I feel trapped now with things the way they are. I imagine as there are no children I would struggle to get much from a divorce as he basically earns everything. He has definitely been financially abusive and controlling in the past but has been improving on this

How is traveling by coach? It's slower than by train, but if there's a direct route you are guaranteed a seat and it's a smaller controlled environment.

You could just book every 4 weeks to take the coach and stay in a premier Inn if you wanted?

You need a lot of support and help. From the sound of it, you have been controlled and disenfranchised by your DH. Get counselling for you which will help increase your self worth.

What does your sister think? Does she ever come to you?

He’s only been to your home city twice, he flounced from your brother’s wedding, he gives you a small allowance, he shuts down discussion? I don’t like the sound of this tbh.

I’d advise buying a small flat near your sister for more regular visits, but also so that you have an escape route if it’s ever necessary (I hope not)