I want to move but husband doesn’t

[LionessRoar]

I’ve been unhappy where we are for many years. The area and house are lovely but the problem is my family, who I am close to live over 4 hours drive away. I want to be able to pop in for a coffee and chat etc not just the occasional weekend away. I miss my sister desperately and the whole lockdown has highlighted that even more. We call regularly, use zoom etc but it’s a small compensation and I am desperately lonely without her. I don’t have children and my husband is very career focused.
I go up there a couple of times a year and find the drive horrendous tbh. The train would be even worse due to numerous changeovers and I am autistic so cannot cope with the crowded trains etc. I also have Some mobility issues which mean I struggle with cases etc.
My husband would struggle to get a comparable job in the area I want to move to and does not want to split his time between where we are now and where we would move to. So whilst we could afford two places, it won’t solve the problem.
I work very part time due to the issues mentioned above and would struggle to find a better paid/ full time job because of this. I am so scared that something will happen to one of us, or in old age it will mean we can no longer see each other, possibly for years, or even a decade or two. How can I resolve this? Anyone any ideas or solutions? I don’t want to leave my husband over this but also I need to spend more time with my family.

I hadn't realised there were no children. In that case personally I'd have been gone years ago if I was so unhappy and my dh was unwilling to move.

What's keeping you there- a (unhappy) marriage. Where is the joy and happiness in your life? Move near your family. Life is too short.

I haven’t even considered coach travel. Not sure on routes but it is quite possible that they may go from our nearest town. I will do some research, thank you.
I have had counselling earlier this year which helped enormously and I have challenged several things due to this. We also had 3 joint sessions and DH had his own counselling too. Our counsellor said he is absolutely lovely (everyone always says that, and he is), and is adamant that he clearly thinks the world of me and loves me very much. I trust the counsellors opinions but I am not convinced DH has not shown all of his true colours during sessions.
He doesn’t control in the way my ex does but has his own issues and is very controlling over his own environment in a bid to control his own anxiety. I’m trying not to focus too much on DH in this post as whenever I do, people seem to take a dim view and tell me to ltb. But DHs control etc comes from the fact that he is also autistic and needs things ‘his’ way a lot and doesn’t really see/ consider others needs . Also a strong ego/ arrogance is pretty common in his line of work which I don’t think helps. And the fact that my own life is a bit of a failed mess, probably means he sees me as below him (though he says not, his actions say otherwise... although this can also be linked to the autism). I am not unhappy generally and things have improved this year a lot.
I haven’t discussed any of this with my sister. I expect she would love me to live closer but also she is busy with work, friends etc so I am under no illusion that we would be in each other’s pockets all the time. But it would be lovely to spend more time together than we do now.
Anyway, I appreciate the comments and will look into some of the suggestions but leaving has to be a last resort as it is not without its own set of problems, including the risk of being penniless and on the streets.

Oh and just to clarify he didn’t flounce rom my brother’s wedding. It’s more that he struggles round crowds/ doesn’t like meeting new people and struggles with noise etc so didn’t want to stay for the reception. I obviously struggle with these things too, but I do try really hard to make the effort, especially for things that are important to him. It does bother me that he doesn’t reciprocate this effort but it’s no use trying to make him stay as he just shuts down and pulls a miserable face which is really embarrassing for me cos everyone notices and then sometimes I get questioned on this. I find this really humiliating even though I understand why he finds it so hard, so I just find it easier to go along with things

Oh and I actually get what many people would regard as a generous allowance, but it’s not a fraction of what he gets to spend/ invest. However, on the other hand, my autism/ anxiety/ lack of coping skills and ability to work a normal job, aren’t really his fault. So I can see why he doesn’t want to ‘compensate’ me for not working as much as he does in a low paid job. That’s the main crux I guess, on one hand it hurts not to be treated as an equal, but on the other hand, I understand why he doesn’t treat me as a respected equal

I’m not seeing any reason to stay with him
tbf, hes controlling, uncompromising, tight fisted, makes no effort for you to be happy.
I’d be gone if I was you, move near your sister and have that support and connection.

compensate you’re his wife, his partner, he shouldn’t be mean with you whilst he has spends, it should be joint money!

Thank you, SBT. This is what always seems to happen when I post (various name changes)... I try to be very honest in my posts but people always seem to see him as a monster. I wonder if it’s the way I explain things. Everyone who knows us thinks he’s amazing and many seem to think he’s too good for me, even with all what I’ve mentioned... he’s a nice guy with an amazing career and very gentle manner so I’m not sure exactly what to believe sometimes. Even our counsellor seems to think he’s nicer than me 🤷‍♀️

Why is your counsellor talking about which of you is nicer? That’s not right.

He doesn’t actually say that. He just mentions a lot about what a nice guy he is and how he is such a gentle man and clearly loves me very much. But he does compliment him a lot about how gentle he is and how mild mannered he is etc.

I honesty doubt everyone thinks he a a great guy when he spilling faces at you.
You are his equal, it shouldn’t be anything to do with income, it just sounds miserable, imagine when he retires how you’ll be stuck, Id go now.

*pulling not spilling!!

That’s true about the faces thing... though my sister gets it cos she knows he’s autistic and struggles. My parents prob think he’s moody tbh as that’s the impression I get from them. Other than that I do a lot of explaining to my friends etc that he is not being miserable, he just struggles etc so some of them prob feel sorry for them now but I don’t know for sure as I’ve never asked them.

I live overseas and my DH has driven us from Denmark, through Germany to the Netherlands to get on a ferry, and then driven 4-5 hours in the uk to visit my family. Hes done that twice in the last 5 yrs, plus flown and rented a car on more occasions since we've been living together - 13 yrs.

Its not a partnership if the same person compromises every time.

You say you are autistic, OP, is your DH also autistic?

He seems to find change or break in routine very very difficult, so he may fear the change that a move would bring. But if he's only visited your home area twice in eleven years, he's really not going to see any positives in moving there, is he?

Could you get him there for a holiday? If he won't even leave the house to go on holiday then I'm afraid you will have your work cut out trying to get him to relocate.

Could you look at buying a holiday home in eg the lakes, or somewhere near the sea or in a scenic place, not far from a train station for HIM - and perhaps an hour or two from your family? Somewhere either your family could visit you, or you could visit them? Somewhere your DH would really like and be able to wfh 3 days a week at times? Or where you could use as a stepping stone to explore Scotland or Wales together?
Somewhere that you and your DH could share driving to, then sometimes if not holidaying he could decamp back home/to work by train, leaving you the car for the remainder of the week to visit family before returning home?

Would that work as a compromise?

Hi, yes a holiday home would be perfect for me but I’m not convinced he would go for it. Will have another chat. Within an hour or two from my family there are so many stunning places which we would both love. Yes husband is autistic too and our life has been stagnant for most of our time together, as he is opposed to anything different. We don’t hardly leave the house together. I am very much a home body too but more adventurous than he is. He does not refuse to visit because of the change in routine though more a rigidity which means unless he desperately wants to do something he doesn’t see the point, even when it might make someone else feel good. He does go on holiday, but I think it would make it even easier if we had our own place and our own things around us. Ariela, no he can’t work from anywhere else as on his 3 days per week he does have to go into his workplace, that’s non negotiable unfortunately.

Strictly, yes I absolutely agree with you, although we get along well together he really isn’t a team player... this has been an ongoing issue that I really don’t feel like we are in a partnership. But the counselling has helped him see this slightly and he is a little better at discussing things, rather than shooting them down immediately so there is a little hope

Hello,

I just wanted some advice really so I will explain...

I have been with my partner for nearly 16 years. We met abroad whilst working & have been living in Bristol his home town for the last 11 years. We kinda didn't have alot of choice & lived here, stayed with his parents, rented then brought a house here.

I am from London, family live in London & Essex. I love Bristol & have loved living here but have always missed my family dearly.

We have had abit of a rubbish time lately with various stuff going on & been arguing. A few years ago I got a job in London & we tryed to look at places but kinda didn't work out & ended up buying our house in Bristol. Had it for 8 years.

I desperately want to live closer to my family, not London but on the outskirts Hertfordshire, Essex, Surrey maybe. I am so close to mine, whereas my partner isn't to his!

He is saying about his job even though he works remote 3 days & 2 days in office that he needs to get abit more experience. He basically acts like we can't live anywhere but here!!! He says to me we will look at areas try & pay off as much of out mortgage here then move. But then when with other people makes a joke of it, saying things like she wants to live in the most expensive part of the UK etc (making a fool out of me!)

It just seems he is putting obstacles in the way of everything! I compromised & gave up everything & have lived here for 11 years. He says to me o he has tried to get a better job, works hard blah blah... But surely if you really loved someone you'd want them to be happy.

His Mum basically says the same as him, although it may bring happiness being near family. We would loose out financially as we wouldn't be able to live afford things etc! Easy for them to say as they all live close to the family, even though they hardly see each other!

What is anyone else's take on this? Thank you xxx