Co-parenting - Christmas Day plans, need help!

[CmummyC33]

I have been separated from my ex husband for over 3 years, and divorced for 1 year. We’ve been trying to make plans for our DD for Christmas Day. Ex husband wants to drop presents off and watch DD open them Christmas morning which is what we normally do, but I really want to do things separately this year and going forwards want to keep things separate too. I’ve got a partner now and really want to move on. What should I do? Do you think l am over thinking this or being selfish to DD or ex husband? I am just wondering what everyone else does Christmas Day with their DC or ex husband.

Katy1213 yes we can definitely be civil, but I just don’t want to give my DD false hope with us being together on Christmas Day. I want us all to move on really.

We alternate Christmas. We used to do the switch boxing day, but it was just so stressful with timings that we now do a week over Christmas every other year. I've raised them with the understanding that the date doesn't matter, it's spending time together with each other, so some years our Christmas is on the 25th and other's it's at New Year or thereabouts.

Kakiweewee I love that sentiment. That is exactly what it’s about ❤️

All this focus on one perfect day is unnecessary. In a couple of years DD won't believe anymore. What if your ex gets a new partner with DC??

Better to move on now than when forced to and partners or step siblings being blamed.

You mentioned DD wouldn't want Christmas Dinner with Ex - is this all partly because he doesn't want to do the "wifework" of Christmas and prefers the lazy option of coming to you?

I would work on the basis that due to Covid it's highly unlikely he can come and it's time to move on anyway so he and DD need to think about alternative ideas so it can be agreed.

Most dads want to go to their ex’s so she does all the work.

Then as soon as they have a new partner ( to do all the work ) they start complaining that has so unfair that she always has Christmas Day and they want to have it 50:50.

Of course they only want half of the fun. They don’t want half the school holidays or INSET days or off school sick days.

Yes that is so true. Definitely best to move on now before the situation become too complicated. That is very true, I do tend to organise everything with the meal and the presents. I think dividing the day and alternating it each year seems to be the way forwards. Thank you so much for all the advice, much appreciated 😊.

We settled on a routine that worked for us.
Kids spent Xmas Eve and Xmas Day until about 5pm with Mum and then came to ours. This suited DH as it was a presents after dinner routine he grew up with, so didn't feel he was missing out in the morning. We then have a nice chilled evening with the kids (adults now) and had our celebration meal on Boxing day.

Separately definitely. In this house DS always sleeps here Christmas Eve and wakes up here Christmas Day. He goes to his dads Christmas Day evening and has another Christmas Day Boxing Day. A lot of parents alternate Christmas morning each year but it's not a thing for us. DS wants to be with his sister here. Not with his dad who has no other children..

When I met DH he was still spending Xmas with his ex and yes, the kids liked it that way, but I have to say I didn't. We'd been together just over a year though before I asked him to consider doing it differently. It really depends on the people involved.
I actually get on pretty well with DH's ex and we do go out for meals together on the kids birthdays, but as we were planning on having our own kids and I wanted to have our own Xmas that was not involving the ex.

Thank you so much for your advice. I love the idea of having 2 christmasses; one on Christmas Day and the next on Boxing Day. I agree we definitely need to do separate celebrations with our DD.

We alternate Christmas too. No one wants to spend Christmas day driving around. This year it's my ex's year to have DS so we'll do something nice in the day on Christmas eve then I drop DS to his dad and he'll be back on boxing day.

My 18-year-old tells me he loves having two Christmases. His Christmas here is very traditional - Christmas Eve buffet, turkey with all the trimmings on Christmas Day etc.
Then at New Years they go to their dad's for another set of presents and celebrations. They are into their Indian cooking, so they have curry and trimmings there.
One of the few perks of having separated parents is two Christmases and birthdays, isn't it?

Every year we have DSS from Christmas Day night for a few days. He always has Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with his mum and then comes to us in the evening.We redo Christmas Eve (leaving out milk, carrot etc) and Santa comes back to ours and we have another Christmas Day on Boxing Day.

It works really well for us, DP and I then spend Christmas Day with my family and then Boxing Day morning is spent with DSS at home opening presents and then pils in the afternoon for another Christmas dinner.

So far DSS hasn’t questioned Santa coming twice for him but I’m sure he’ll ask questions as he gets older - but then all kids do don’t they.

So going against the grain here but exdh comes to mine on Christmas morning to see the dc open their presents. I generously offer him a coffee he stays for about an hour or so. Then he comes with their grandfather to my parents where I cook for everyone.

No new partners on either side so works well for us and the dc don’t have to move about and they absolutely know that we are separated but doing what we do to show that as parents we can be perfectly reasonable around each other which is way different from when we were married

Separate it. It isn’t fair on your new partner, no matter how cool with it he is. It’s also not good for your dd thinking mum and dad will always share celebrations. You’re split, unlikely to get back together.

I'm in a similar situation and am starting to think about how to do this for our 2nd Xmas separated. Last year I went to their dad's early Xmas morning before they woke, because the stocking part is very important to me. Then I stayed a couple hours before taking the dc to where my family were staying for a Christmas get together. But. I felt uncomfortable at ex's and there was some light bickering. It's a whole year later so might be better but I'm thinking a split of the day might be best. Even if we're locked down, the father of your dc is part of your bubble (and doesn't need to be your support household, that's extra) so would be allowed in.

It's so tricky because the dc want us to be together still and exh is autistic and couldn't give a damn about Christmas - or birthdays for that matter! So it all falls to me.

I am loving the idea of 2 christmasses ☺️☺️.
I think the same Shizzkestix, I don’t think it’s good for her at all.
So I spoke with exDH this evening about having separate christmasses and dividing the day up, and he said I’m being completely unreasonable 🤷🏻‍♀️. I’m not sure where to go from here, as if he comes over again this Christmas when does it stop?!

Give him time to get used to the idea/ restrictions on households meeting indoors to come in.....

If all else fails, just say no. Come up with a schedule, one that works for your DD, and present him with it.

Misty9 our situations sound so similar. My exDH doesn’t generally do too much for birthdays and Christmasses either, so it’s all down to me. In the past when we’ve done a joint celebration at mine it ends in bickering. It’s such a difficult situation isn’t it.

Augustbreeze a schedule sounds like a very good idea, and that’s what I might do 👌

I'd let her have it one last time this year. She doesn't need to be told it's the last time but after Christmas he gets told that from now on you need separate plans.

This year has been so crappy already that I couldn't make issues around Christmas Day for the sake of making my ex a coffee and watching our DC open their presents.

@CmummyC33

Misty9 our situations sound so similar. My exDH doesn’t generally do too much for birthdays and Christmasses either, so it’s all down to me. In the past when we’ve done a joint celebration at mine it ends in bickering. It’s such a difficult situation isn’t it.

I'm luckier (?) as my exh wouldn't be arsed about not seeing the kids tbh...but they are.

If your ex is insistent on you being together is there something else going on there? Did he instigate the split and feels guilty? Or does he want to be back together...? I instigated my split but exh wouldn't get back together if I paid him 😂

Misty9 yes exDH instigated the split. He keeps saying he never wanted to leave so perhaps there is regret there. He refuses to meet my new partner so yes I think there could be. There would be no way I would go back in that situation though. Awww that must be very tough if your ex doesn’t care either way.

It does sound like he's harbouring some regret. Tricky. But strong boundaries are key and your dd will follow your lead. It's tough because all the thinking is left to me, yes. But I'm used to it I suppose. And he generally does as he's told! 😂

Misty9 yes I think you’re right there. I’d never thought of it before like that. Yes that’s really good advice about the strong boundaries, I don’t think I impose them enough really, which is probably why he ‘expects’ to come over Christmas Day. It is surprising what we find ourselves getting used to isn’t it, a schedule may work well for your exDH in terms of Christmas.