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Original poster

I want another baby but don’t love my partner anymore

44 replies

Donthatetheplayer · 26/09/2020 09:44

I have a 2 year old with my partner. Our relationship has been difficult since we had my son but in the last year things have gotten worse. We snap at each other, he annoys me constantly and we haven’t had sex for a year. I have no desire for him whatsoever. I want to leave. But I also want another child- a sibling for our son and because I really want another.

I am 35. Should I stick it out and have another child with him with the likely-hood of splitting up down the line. Or make the break now but then potentially not finding anyone to have another baby with. I’m concerned that if I did that I would end up settling again purely to have a child.

My partner is over 20 years older than me and I just don’t feel we are very compatible. In our pre-baby life we were but obviously things change after a baby and it was a huge shock to the system for me. In all honesty if I got pregnant again by him I don’t know if our relationship would even make it through the pregnancy. But I’d have my kids then. And they’d have each other.

So do I leave or stick it out and have another baby?

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/09/2020 09:45

How do you plan on having dc2 if you and he don't have sex?

PerveenMistry · 26/09/2020 09:47

FFS no.

That you could even think of doing that to the prospective new human being is appalling.

The decision to procreate is about more than satisfying your emotional wants.

TinySleepThief · 26/09/2020 09:51

It's a baby not a sticky plaster.

If you and your partner are incompatible then do the adult thing and split up. Don't have another baby. It's beyond comprehension that anyone would even consider this wasn't entirely selfish.

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Ohdoleavemealone · 26/09/2020 09:53

I think it is a very selfish thing to do to be honest.
I get your need to have another child but this would not be fair. You haven't had sex for a year but are willing to use him sexually for a child and then string it along just enough for it not to look like you used him.

The kinder thing for everyone is to move on. He may even agree to having a child with you post seperation if it is amicable. But he should know what the future looks like upfront so he can make a choic too.

TwigTheWonderKid · 26/09/2020 09:56

Oh please grow up. Where is your consideration for your existing child and potential future child in all of this, not to mention your partner?

BringBiscuits · 26/09/2020 09:58

I’m sorry but it’s time to call it a day now not drag this out for another year or more waiting to get pregnant. I think you’d all be happier apart from the sound of it.

peakotter · 26/09/2020 10:02

Don’t quit the relationship yet. You still have time to try counselling and see if you can get things back together. If he’s willing then do a year of counselling, it will be cheaper and quicker than leaving and starting again.

Love often goes when you have young children, but you can get it back. Successful relationships take a lot of work. Put it in now, rather than having the same problem with a new man and a baby in 4 years’ time.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 26/09/2020 10:06

That's a bit of a shot thing to do to the guy isn't it ?

If you aren't happy then leave........don't stick around so you can accidentally on purpose get pregnant and leave him with nothing but another kid he'll have to stump up for every month.

HildegardeCrowe · 26/09/2020 10:07

You should split with him regardless of whether you want another child or not. Why haven’t you done so already? It sounds like a miserable relationship - I can’t believe you’d consider having another child with this man. If your need for a second child is so great, you need to have it with someone else or use a donor.

AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet · 26/09/2020 10:15

I have a very black and white way of looking at things, so yes, I would do it (if he agrees)

Original poster

Donthatetheplayer · 26/09/2020 10:17

I totally get everyone saying it’s selfish. I suppose part of my concern is that my boy will be an only and as his dad is a lot older and if anything happened to me he could end up totally alone.

It wouldn’t be a matter of tricking my partner into having a kid it would be a matter of trying to get us back on track/ sex life back and agreeing to have another child (it’s just my feeling that we still won’t last long. ) He has suggested counselling...

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2020 10:22

Are you planning to ask him if he’ll ttc with you or just pretend you’re up for shagging again and not tell him you’re not using contraception?

I’d want my children to be conceived in love and commitment by both parents.

If you’re unhappy then leave him. And your talk of settling with someone below par in future so you can have a baby with them is shocking. You’d willingly introduce someone potentially a bit shit into your existing toddler’s life so you can use their sperm to make a baby whose father you’re not committed to? Hormones can be powerful things but your crap relationship at the moment will be hurting your child already, they don’t deserve that, want better for them.

If you found having a baby so hard what makes you think doing it again but on your own, plus juggling a toddler, would go well?

Itllbeaninterestingchristmas · 26/09/2020 10:25

Definitely get some counselling if you can’t talk about between yourselves. It was really shed after ds, almost wrecked our relationship. We established the things that caused the issues, in our cases it was moving house, not yet achieved but house is on the market and the next one is lined up, housework. He has improved on this front and we have a cleaner. His expectations have changed. On my part I’m not as hormonal and don’t want to kill him every month. If he’s willing to work on the relationship do give it a good try.

yourestandingonmyneck · 26/09/2020 10:30

Unpopular opinion, but I see where you are coming from. And I don't particularly see it as selfish as I think you would be doing it for your son. I can see the appeal of having a sibling for him by the same dad, rather than being an only child with (possibly) divorced parents or having a half sibling with a step dad.

Of course, every situation is different and those situations may work out well for many people. There are no guarantees with anything.

Also, don't underestimate how hard the first few years with a child are. If you and your husband were compatible before, you may be able to get back to that after the baby years.

Do you think your husband would agree to this if you discussed it? At the end of the day, you could be madly in love and have another baby then he gets hit by a bus and won't be around. Or you could be madly in love, get pregnant, then split because he's been cheating on you. There really are no guarantees with anything. Just be honest and ask him how he'd feel about another child despite the fact you're not currently getting on that well.

NameChange84 · 26/09/2020 10:32

You’ve got time to meet someone else if you are quick. If he’s approaching 60 it’s also really unfair to your child to use someone so elderly as what is essentially a sperm donor. Look into risks to the child’s health with older fathers. Your son could end up being his sibling’s carer. You’d be better off actually using a sperm donor closer to your own age if you are determined to be so selfish!

madcatladyforever · 26/09/2020 10:32

That's insane.
I hope number 2 never finds out they were conceived with someone you hate.
Do you know how hard it is being a single parent of 2 children? Everything is double the cost.
i was a single parent of one, he never wanted a sibling and I could not have afforded one as a single parent.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/09/2020 10:35

@Donthatetheplayer

I totally get everyone saying it’s selfish. I suppose part of my concern is that my boy will be an only and as his dad is a lot older and if anything happened to me he could end up totally alone.

He g has far more sense than you if he's suggesting counseling over a baby. I'd agree with him and try it. Having sex with someone you feel no desire for will not solve your marriage problems and it could take you years to concieve

PerveenMistry · 26/09/2020 10:45

Plenty of people are only children and do fine. It's not fair to create a new human being based on such an agenda.

Even in a good relationship, having an infant with a 55-year-old man is questionable. Focus on making the best life for your existing child. If he grows up in a manner that develops a career he's passionate about and a large, diverse, loving circle of friends, the absence of a bio sibling will be even less relevant.

user1471462428 · 26/09/2020 10:46

I’d echo the advice about older dads. Research shows a greater risk of ASD in children with older fathers. My second child was conceived as his dad was older and has ASD. I love him unbelievably but my relationship has broken down and it’s so so difficult by myself. It would have been far easier with one to be a single parent.

PerveenMistry · 26/09/2020 10:48

And frankly if he did have a sibling & something happened to you prematurely, he might be stuck with the rearing and support of that child, to the detriment of his own life. Unfair.

ProudAuntie76 · 26/09/2020 11:08

I don’t think he’s even 55, she says he’s over 20 years older than her...so this hypothetical child is not really going to know their Dad for long. I’m imagining an 12 year old maybe having to watch their Dad go through Dementia or a stroke. I’m sensitive to this as my Dad had his first heart attack when I was 12 and nearly died when I was 18 whilst I was doing A Levels (I watched him being resuscitated and was told his chance of making it was small) - he was slim at the time and fit and 36 when I was born so considerably younger than your partner with whom the risks are MUCH higher. My mother was the older one in the marriage and had her first stroke when I was doing GCSEs. Having to deal with all that trauma as a child really affected the rest of my life. Yes, you get spritely 90 year olds but they are the exception, not the rule. Why would you deliberately bring a child into the world knowing that they are going to have to deal with all of this trauma from your issues with their father and the fact he’s so old? Think of their life, not yours or your existing child.

Original poster

Donthatetheplayer · 28/09/2020 11:42

Thanks to everyone who took he time to reply. It was helpful to write this down- like saying out loud. I think the mirror reflected an image that is largely correct.

I can be a black and white/logical thinker as someone suggested they were which is why sometime I see the practicalities over the emotion i.e. is it better that we have the two kids now so they have each other, it is done and then there is no rush to find someone to have another child with.

Someone said about ‘bringing someone shit into my child’s life just to have another child’. That is not what I meant by settling, I meant someone that in the long run I hat is not absolutely perfect for me but obviously a decent/loving person. And I think a lot of people do this anyway, how many people actually end up with the loves of their life and how many settle for someone that will do because their biological clock is ticking? I think quite a lot actually.

Any child that would be conceived would be out of love and extremely wanted- make no mistake.

Also, I think the age comments are a bit much- yes there is risk with older fathers but there is also with older mothers, if I leave the relationship and have another child at 40, that’s risky too! And, my partner is not elderly. At least I don’t see 58 that way.

Anyway, we need to talk about things and see if there is any hope of saving our relationship. But if not- the best thing will be to leave. And what will be will be.

OP posts:

Original poster

Donthatetheplayer · 28/09/2020 11:47

I think as well the desire to have another child with my partner is that our existing child is so perfect- I know I would see any child I had that way - but as I’m sure many can relate to, you just want to recreate that (I know every child is different but hopefully I am getting across what I mean).

OP posts:

FourPlasticRings · 28/09/2020 11:53

Do the counselling, OP.

justanotherneighinparadise · 28/09/2020 11:57

Nope, I wouldn’t do that.

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