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Original poster

I want another baby but don’t love my partner anymore

44 replies

Donthatetheplayer · 26/09/2020 09:44

I have a 2 year old with my partner. Our relationship has been difficult since we had my son but in the last year things have gotten worse. We snap at each other, he annoys me constantly and we haven’t had sex for a year. I have no desire for him whatsoever. I want to leave. But I also want another child- a sibling for our son and because I really want another.

I am 35. Should I stick it out and have another child with him with the likely-hood of splitting up down the line. Or make the break now but then potentially not finding anyone to have another baby with. I’m concerned that if I did that I would end up settling again purely to have a child.

My partner is over 20 years older than me and I just don’t feel we are very compatible. In our pre-baby life we were but obviously things change after a baby and it was a huge shock to the system for me. In all honesty if I got pregnant again by him I don’t know if our relationship would even make it through the pregnancy. But I’d have my kids then. And they’d have each other.

So do I leave or stick it out and have another baby?

OP posts:

ProudAuntie76 · 28/09/2020 12:14

And, my partner is not elderly. At least I don’t see 58 that way.

A 12 year old with a father in their 70s and their school friends will disagree with you on that one.

You are clearly going to do your own thing with little regard for the child’s feelings so why bother asking?

What you are think of doing is morally unfair to the proposed child. End of.

Speckledhen617 · 28/09/2020 12:27

I can see where you're coming from too. Its not the right thing to do but I do understand where your heads at.

RaisinGhost · 28/09/2020 12:33

I also see where you are coming from. I don't think it's the worst idea. You aren't planning to trick him. You would do it if you agreed to TTC. He knows the problems in your relationship so if he wants to go ahead, obviously he's fine with the situation. Maybe he is thinking the same thing as you.

One thing I don't get about mn - women conceives baby in terrible situation (horrible abusive partner, no money or job, etc.) Response - lose the man and keep the baby, all they need is your love. Women thinking of conceiving baby in less than perfect but overall fine situation. Response - horrible idea! A baby isn't a toy! Etc. It's like you have to be either 100% perfect, or in some nightmare situation to deserve a family.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Relationship problems

happylittlechick · 28/09/2020 12:43

Will you be able to effectively co-parent when you split? That's the main question. Are you good communicators? Do you share parenting values? Will you both pay your share? Do you trust him with the children? Will you be happy only seeing your children 50%!of the time?

rorosemary · 28/09/2020 12:43

Split up, see how you cope without a partner. Take your time and if you really want to you can go the sperm donor route. I'm not against mothers having children without partners, but having one while you want to leave is deception and wrong imo.

WeEE · 28/09/2020 12:44

I can see where you are coming from as well.

It's an awkward one with the age. I suppose realistically, you can split up and find someone new and have time to have a baby. However I guess there is a chance it just might not happen. Might take years to meet someone new, then I suppose you have to get to know someone for a couple of years before you work out if they are decent father material etc. That person also might not want a baby.

I think in your position, I would just go for it and have another one. Talk with your partner. Maybe there is a chance you can work it all out.

MoonSauce · 28/09/2020 12:49

My eldest never really took to having a younger sibling even though the age gap wasn’t massive. She wasn’t (isn’t) into babies and has always liked her own space and being in her own bubble. My drive to have another hold was very much because I am one of two children my parents had, and they both came from the same, it was always the done thing and I though my eldest would need a sibling. I’ve seen now how wrong I was and I love my youngest but I had her for all the wrong reasons and brought her into a very unsafe and awkward situation. Your DC will cope on their own. If there is a split during or just after another pregnancy, your eldest would not only be dealing with all the change surrounding a relationship breakdown but would also be suddenly pushed out by a new baby and hat won’t be good for sibling relations.

Pebblexox · 28/09/2020 12:51

No you don't stick it out to have another baby. Leave!

TheTeenageYears · 28/09/2020 13:11

I think you need to look at some of the risks which could come up from what you are proposing. It sounds like the likelihood of you both deciding to have another baby now and your relationship being repaired is extremely unlikely so what happens next?

You currently have one healthy, happy child who doesn't seem to cause you too many problems and yet your relationship has basically fallen apart since you had your DC. Imagine having another child who either isn't either healthy or happy and what would things look like then? You seem to be prepared to go it alone with 2 DC but based on your current situation you have absolutely no idea what a 2nd DC will be like - DC1 might love it or hate it, DC2 could be ill or difficult. How would you then cope with 2DC on your own and what do you think the likelihood of finding someone else to take on 2DC who are not theirs, possibly with problems.

Are are fantasising what having two DC can really be like? I think you need to be more realistic about your current situation and deal with that. If you end up splitting up and IF you meet someone else and IF having a second DC feels right with them than go ahead. I think you are trying to write the final chapter of the book without taking account of the middle. Ultimately you could end up on your own with 2DC and all three of you be unhappy because of your desperation to a have a 2nd DC.

mirandatempest · 28/09/2020 13:17

Makes sense to me OP as long as you and DP (or P anyway) agree on the plan.

PerveenMistry · 29/09/2020 01:19

@ProudAuntie76

And, my partner is not elderly. At least I don’t see 58 that way.

A 12 year old with a father in their 70s and their school friends will disagree with you on that one.

You are clearly going to do your own thing with little regard for the child’s feelings so why bother asking?

What you are think of doing is morally unfair to the proposed child. End of.

Totally agree with this.

It's reprehensible. Get a focus in your life that doesn't involve more breeding.

RaisinGhost · 29/09/2020 21:28

It's reprehensible. Get a focus in your life that doesn't involve more breeding

Eh? OP has one dc and is thinking of a second. She's hardly Sue Radford. Probably 80% of people on this forum have two or more dc, including you most likely, are they and you all "reprehensible"?

UserABCDE12345 · 29/09/2020 21:38

I think it is a disgrace that there are women out there who are willing to use a man like this. No you should not do this, it's a horrible thing to do.

Speckledhen617 · 30/09/2020 09:32

Maybe the man would want a sibling for his child as well though?

PennyCrayon85 · 30/09/2020 09:36

Look I hated my husbands guts when we had a two year old 😂 we didn’t have sex either. I genuinely wanted to leave and my mum talked me out of it, promising me that it would get better.

Now kids are 6 and 3 and life is starting to get easier. We are finding ourselves again. Our sex life isn’t exactly setting the world on fire (too tired!) but there is love and affection again and I don’t want to leave any more. Things are much better.

Go on some dates together. I found this really helped us. We had a few drinks and a laugh and I remembered that he is in fact a clever and witty individual (rather than a moaning pain in the arse who never closes a cupboard or drawer behind him).

Happyspud · 30/09/2020 09:37

Other humans are not just there to be used as sperm doners by you OP.

The child and your existing child deserves better too OP, you seem to only see yourself in this consideration.

Original poster

Donthatetheplayer · 30/09/2020 20:51

Thanks all. Some really thoughtful responses there. I think it’s becoming clearer to me why I actually posted this. I was wondering if leaving would be a huge mistake, if anyone would say that, if anyone would say something I hadn’t thought of.

For those commenting on the age of my partner - this is an internal dilemma I’ve already had and accepted back when we decided to get serious and have a child in the first place. I decided it was better to be with someone i loved and live life with them / have family etc then not - the ‘take any happiness you can get’ as nothing is guaranteed. So that isn’t really what I’m asking about, but thanks anyway.

@TheTeenageYears your response was helpful. And yours @PennyCrayon85 - although I think our issues may run deeper, I don’t know it’s hard to tell when you’re in it isn’t it?

@RaisinGhost - agree that was an odd comment. I have other focus in my life- in fact I didn’t want another child until recently but I think hormones kick in again once the first child is a certain age. There were lots of other helpful replies too. In fact they are all helpful in one way or another.

Ultimately if I have another child I want it to be an enjoyable thing, with someone I want to go through it with. So unless we work it out or work something out, I won’t be going there.

Ironically I don’t really believe in going to a sperm donor as the offspring could end up in relationships with their sibling unbeknownst to them. Not judging anyone who does it, but it’s not for me.

Anyway, I think I’ve written enough. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

allthewaterinthetap · 01/10/2020 06:22

Do the counselling. You can try to get things back on track. But hesitate to have another child - one is so much easier and you can offer him all your resources at this uncertain time.

Atacrossroads22 · 13/05/2022 22:12

Hi there @Donthatetheplayer, I know this post is from a few years ago - I was curious what you ended up doing and how you feel about your decision? Thank you for sharing this dilemma, despite the comments I think there are many who have felt this way and like you needed to hear some feedback.

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