My partner has just said he'd be attracted to me if I lost weight

[toofattolove]

To be fair, I'm pretty fat......I'd say a good 3 stone heavier than when I met him.....

I don't work, I rarely leave the house, I just exist. I don't make any effort as I don't like myself so don't see the point, particularly when it's so obvious he doesn't fancy me anyway

I'm just not sure where to go from here.

I'm on the max dose of AD's, I don't really put make up on/do hair. He looks after himself, wears nice clothes etc....

I think we've had sex less than 5 times in the last year, both in our 40s, got one toddler

I literally just hibernate and get through each day until bedtime. Sad but true

[Whatsnewpussyhat]

My current wee bubble is my comfort

Sounds more like your prison. No desire to change but you said you are numb so no desire to do anything else.

[ChaChaCha2012]

If you have no desire to change, is it time to tell your partner that, so he can decide what he wants too?

It's important to do the best for yourself, but also be aware of the effect your actions have on others, including your child.

[monkeyonthetable]

the only thing that I like is food!

@toofattolove - that's not enough. You deserve more. And I suspect in your heart you want more out of life than just the quick, immediate fix of food. I have felt what you felt but it scared the hell out of me and I badly wanted things to be different. It must be harder if you don't.

ADs can cause massive carb cravings. I was never overweight - even after having two babies close together, until I started on ADs and then, just like you, over the course of several years, I ended up 30lbs overweight.

I honestly don't blame your dH. You can't make yourself fancy someone whose physical type you have never been attracted to, just because you married them when they looked very different. People might think him cruel but I sympathise. It is bloody hard being married to someone who has no interest in life. It's so draining and it's not sexy.

Would you make some changes to improve your life if they weren't too hard? Could you start with including drinking more water and adding 8-a-day fruit and veg to your diet (3 fruit, 5 veg) then gradually cutting back on the snacking that you get least pleasure out of?

Would you consider doing some online CBT work to try and lift your mood out of the 'nothing matters' mindset?

Would you, just as an experiment, try out two or three new things each day that could give you pleasure in the way that food does. Things like playing music you loved in your teens or at a happy time in your life; playing new music you've not heard before; watching comedy series; doing 5 minute yoga stretch sessions online with Adrien or if you prefer seeing a big woman who is brilliant at yoga, Jessamyn. (Google Jessamyn yoga.)

As for your DS - I feel for both of you. Can you fake it? I had to for a while with DS2 and gradually the lines blurred between faking it and feeling it. Now we have a really close bond and I am relieved the faking was so effective. Lots of cuddles, playing, tickling and giggling that my heart wasn't in at all. But it bonded us anyway.

You say "I know I should change but have absolutely no desire to" and that is such a classic and cruel symptom of depression. My mantra used to be: You don't have to want to, you just have to do it. That applied to showering, cleaning teeth, getting dressed in the cleanest, nicest clothes that fitted me (buy some cheaply from Tu) and then doing three things a day - any three things - maybe one for or with your DS, one for yourself, one for or with your DH.

Could you contemplate any of this? It never gets better until you fight it, ime. And I think you definitely deserve to try some different ADs as these ones seem to have zonked you. I hope your DH understands it's a side effect of powerful drugs, not a complete personality change.

[monkeyonthetable]

Oh sorry - that is SO long. I had no idea.

[Plussizejumpsuit]

I take 30mg citalopram and definitely find I've gained weight since taking it. And it's very hard to lose. Him feeling OK to say that to you is worrying. Yes we get to be attracted to who and what we feel. But in all honesty if you love someone I personally don't think 3st is here or there. I know people will disagree as mumsnet is very fat negative. How's the relationship generally it doesn't sound great?

[Browneyesbigbum]

@toofattolove

I'm sorry that your antidepressants aren't working. Have you spoken with your doctor to try a different treatment or medication? Might be worth a review with the doctor.

My ex husband told me that I was fat too. I also knew it and I believe that approach never works, why would it.

Seek out help for the depression but hubby.... do you want to be with him?

[5amonSunday]

I only lose weight when I reduce and stop my meds......the weight then drops off me

Have you tried a different type of AD? Even different SSRIs can have hugely varying side effects for different people. It alo sounds like your current AD isn't effectively treating your symptoms.

[Pandacub7]

Playing Devil’s Advocate here but maybe he thought gaining weight has made you less confident and emotionally low? Is it possible for you to get a part-time job or volunteer? It sounds like you need to find things to do that give you purpose and/or make you feel excited. Rarely leaving the house and not taking care of your appearance will only lower your mood even further.

[Bluntness100]

My ex husband told me that I was fat too

Why do posters do this? He didn’t tell her she was fat. Just like he didn’t tell her he didn’t love her. Why do people read one thing and translate it to something else.

Op, if the ads are making you numb, could you possibly go back to your doctor? It seems they are not working. Being numb, wanting to hide,not caring for your self, your appearance, just wanting to eat is not a sign they are working, it’s the opposite.

[Flittingaboutagain]

Your wee bubble makes you feel safer in the short term but is keeping you stuck I think. Maybe it isn't bad enough yet (for you, not sure about DH) that you feel motivated to do anything else? Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom first?

[Pandacub7]

Depression, anxiety, pessimism and low mood affects everyone around you. You have to be mindful of your behaviour.

[Dillo10]

@toofattolove

Sorry I can't be more helpful. Have you had this conversation with your GP? Or even better with a psychiatrist? Sounds like you have the financial means.

I agree with @monkeyonthetable that it doesn't get better unless you fight it. Or at least stop giving into it as much as you do now. The examples he/she gave are examples of the "neuroplasticity" that I described, same with the person who suggested faking it til you make it.

You have more control than you realise.

[Myglorioushairdo]

Oh OP, you sound like you're in a really bad place
I'd your DH is lovely and good to you, can he help you with getting back into healthier lifestyle? Maybe take more walks together, let him take over the cooking, less screen time? I don't know.. Its not easy especially with this covid bs going on

[Daisyandroses]

DH and I both got fat in lockdown and admitted to each other that sex wasn’t that good anymore and we weren’t looking our best! We’re generally not sensitive about our weight and tend to make a joke of it - I can see why you would find the way your DH worded it hurtful.

I’m about 3 stone more than I should be too. I’m slowly using it but what helps me is dressing better for the size that I am - I have little bloomer shorts, good bras (kind of like the sports ones which are more like shapewear- so comfy!) I wear maxis, or loose fitting dresses with my dark maternity tights now it’s getting colder (so glad I kept those badboys) Earrings/ hairbands, always make sure I do my make up even though I work from home.

Once you start eating better, it will take a few days and will start to feel easier. My go to snacks which fill me up are those caramel rice cakes. Do you enjoy cooking?

[NancyBotwinBloom]

@Daisyandroses

DH and I both got fat in lockdown and admitted to each other that sex wasn’t that good anymore and we weren’t looking our best! We’re generally not sensitive about our weight and tend to make a joke of it - I can see why you would find the way your DH worded it hurtful.

I’m about 3 stone more than I should be too. I’m slowly using it but what helps me is dressing better for the size that I am - I have little bloomer shorts, good bras (kind of like the sports ones which are more like shapewear- so comfy!) I wear maxis, or loose fitting dresses with my dark maternity tights now it’s getting colder (so glad I kept those badboys) Earrings/ hairbands, always make sure I do my make up even though I work from home.

Once you start eating better, it will take a few days and will start to feel easier. My go to snacks which fill me up are those caramel rice cakes. Do you enjoy cooking?

We've had that exact same conversation today.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

Linda. This ain’t the time or thread to be rubbing salt in the wounds.

[toofattolove]

@LindaEllen lucky you......

[toofattolove]

@Dillo10 I will see a new psychiatrist next week (via zoom of course)!
Saw a private Dr today who has referred me and should be seen in 5-7 days to discuss meds......

[toofattolove]

@Pandacub7 I'm very aware of that, that's why I pretend 99% of the time that I'm someone I'm not!

[toofattolove]

@monkeyonthetable thanks for your post.....I hope to try those soon, you're v kind to take the time to type that x

[toofattolove]

@Flittingaboutagain I think there's something in me that'll stop me from getting to rock bottom again. My son deserves a mum

[toofattolove]

Oh @monkeyonthetable I've been "faking" it for my son for 4 years. It's fucking relentless

[Pandacub7]

[quote toofattolove]@Pandacub7 I'm very aware of that, that's why I pretend 99% of the time that I'm someone I'm not! [/quote]
Oh no :( please try to be open with your DH and let him know how you feel about yourself. Maybe he could motivate you to try new things beyond the house? It seems almost like a prison, like it’s sucking the life and enthusiasm from you. I know first hand it’s difficult to ask for help. But you won’t regret it. Best of luck

[toofattolove]

@Pandacub7 I'd never share EVERYTHING that I'm feeling. It's too much for someone I love to hear and would break his heart

[JenniferSantoro]

Better that he tells you than just goes off and has an affair. I think it’s important that we can be honest with our partners. You says he’s coming from a position on concern. If you’re three stone overweight, you’d probably feel so much better if you lost some chunk. I say that as someone in the same situation. I’ve lost about 20lb but could do to lose some more.

I think being overweight can really impact on a persons mental health. Would you benefit from counselling do you think. I’m sorry you’re struggling but I think it’s a positive thing that he’s opened up to you.