My feed

to access all these features

Join the discussion and meet other Mumsnetters on our free online chat forum.


My partner has just said he'd be attracted to me if I lost weight

73 replies

toofattolove · 23/09/2020 14:49

To be fair, I'm pretty fat......I'd say a good 3 stone heavier than when I met him.....

I don't work, I rarely leave the house, I just exist. I don't make any effort as I don't like myself so don't see the point, particularly when it's so obvious he doesn't fancy me anyway

I'm just not sure where to go from here.

I'm on the max dose of AD's, I don't really put make up on/do hair. He looks after himself, wears nice clothes etc....

I think we've had sex less than 5 times in the last year, both in our 40s, got one toddler

I literally just hibernate and get through each day until bedtime. Sad but true

OP posts:
BumholeJ · 23/09/2020 18:58

How about dabbling in the sector of whatever business it was that you set up and sold? Either with a view to starting a freelance consultant role within the industry or maybe try and repeat your entrepreneurial success?

Even if it’s theoretical initially it can still be a focus and in an area you’ve know you’ve been successful so at least will perhaps help build your confidence and remind you of your abilities and achievements. You are clearly worth investing in so maybe reminding yourself of this may help you invest in yourself.

Maybe you could mentor a startup? I think that capitalising on your existing (and impressive) achievements might help you to look at yourself differently when you’re able to help and advise others as an expert Smile

If none of the above appeals, then maybe start trying different hobbies - painting/art, yoga, floristry - just anything positive that you can focus on that makes you happy.

Seeing as you don’t need to work why not look at doing distance learning on anything you find interesting- no need for it to be “useful” or applicable to a career. I knew a retired man who had something like 27 GCSE’s, 11 A levels and 4 degrees - he just loved learning new things and did them via distance learning.

I know I’m not necessarily answering your question but it seems like maybe you have lost yourself and it’s easy for this to happen, especially when due to financial security one can literally give in (due to not needing to have a job), and when I found myself in a similar position the only way I got out of it was by forcing myself to find and do things I enjoy as it gives you personal purpose to become good at those things and then confidence grew and slowly things started improving.

The meds don’t sound like they agree with you but I have no experience on this so can’t suggest anything except talking to your GP.

I think that your husband is probably just worried about you and wants you to be happy and confident; anyone who cares for you will want more for you than a prolonged hibernation.

Good luck OP Flowers

SunshineCake · 23/09/2020 19:01

[quote toofattolove]@Pandacub7 I'd never share EVERYTHING that I'm feeling. It's too much for someone I love to hear and would break his heart[/quote]
It could also break his heart that you don't feel you can share your feelings with him.

CorianderLord · 23/09/2020 19:06

Exercise helps with depression and all manner of other mental distress. It will have the side effect of losing weight and getting out more.

Your DP is rude though.

CorianderLord · 23/09/2020 19:07

Tbh if my partner had gained lots of weight, become a recluse and didn't take care of themselves though I wouldn't be attracted to them. I would have been kinder about it though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/09/2020 19:21

I absolutely agree with this from monkeyonthetable

You say "I know I should change but have absolutely no desire to" and that is such a classic and cruel symptom of depression. My mantra used to be: You don't have to want to, you just have to do it. That applied to showering, cleaning teeth, getting dressed in the cleanest, nicest clothes that fitted me (buy some cheaply from Tu) and then doing three things a day - any three things - maybe one for or with your DS, one for yourself, one for or with your DH.


You deserve better than you think you want at the moment, OP. A self-preservation, protective bubble can be some sort of comfort but it's not exactly comfortable, is it? You wouldn't be posting if you were truly happy with the status quo.

I think your weight is a symptom of other things going on. I'm in awe of anybody who can get on with ADs. I don't and can't take them even if they're prescribed, I'm not strong enough to cope with the side affects but, it sounds as if you've created your own little prison for yourself there, toofattolove and to me it sounds as if you're convincing yourself that you're ok with it. Are you really?

Your partner loves you to bits, that's good to know but it must have smarted very much to hear him say that he'd be attracted to you IF your lost weight. His love isn't conditional BUT a big part of love between a couple is sexual and that isn't an option right now.

What do you want to do? Or do you want it to be him that changes his opinion?

I have very much sympathy, OP. I really do like monekyonthetable's advice even if it's not the easiest thing to hear. It's compassionate and adroit if you actually want to regain control of yourself. Thanks

Eckhart · 23/09/2020 19:30

Is there a longer term cause of your depression than PND? You say ADs have saved your life many times - I get the feeling that this precedes the birth of your son.

Did you have a tough time as a child, or abusive relationships prior to this one?

Also... can you forgive yourself for this? You would never have chosen to feel this way, would you? It's not something you did on purpose. You're wading through thick treacle at the moment, and it sounds like heavy going. Are you able to offer yourself some emotional support? You say you've been faking it for your son for years; that's a horrible position to be in, a gallant thing to do, and a brave thing to admit. You may have more strength than you think.

toofattolove · 23/09/2020 19:40

@Eckhart I didn't have anything in my life that would "cause" my depression and anxiety, I'm annoyed to say that I almost wish there had been so I could blame that. I come from a very high achieving family (and a v loving one) so I could never tell anyone what I was feeling as I didn't realise it wasn't what I should be! If any of that makes sense I take my hat off to you!
I've always had long episodes of this , I've created a persona for at least 20 + years and the irony is , that during that time, I've been very successful and popular. I'm not saying that in a "what a wanker" way, I just thought that they were good examples of how well I've masked this for decades.

Only 4 people know the truth
I feel really strongly that my son will never know how I really feel about being a mum or anything far deeper than that

OP posts:
toofattolove · 23/09/2020 19:42

@SunshineCake he won't know there's other things I feel much below the surface.....he only knows the top few layers. It'd be no benefit for him to know and I made that decision to protect him

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/09/2020 19:43

I actually agree with the OP about not sharing everything with your partner. They’re not therapists or counselors, and sometimes what you need to say is too hurtful or overwhelming for them to deal with. My DH couldn’t really help when my anxiety was bad, it was better to have CBT with a trained professional.

toofattolove · 23/09/2020 19:44

Thanks @BumholeJ , that's a nice positive post. The former was all going to go ahead prior to covid.....

It may reopen again though, and maybe by that time I'll be able to throw myself into that

OP posts:
Eckhart · 23/09/2020 19:45

Keep your hat on - that didn't make sense to me!

Are you saying you weren't able to be open about your feelings throughout your childhood, and you still aren't now, except with 4 people?

And, is your partner one of the 4?

toofattolove · 23/09/2020 19:51

@Eckhart that's correct

OP posts:
toofattolove · 23/09/2020 19:53

@Eckhart yes my partner is one of the 4

None of them know the real severity of something's , but I would share them with psychs or counsellors in the past

OP posts:
FizzyPink · 23/09/2020 20:00

I know exactly how you feel OP and I sympathise.
I do work but now from home and spending all day home alone has meant I’ve gone from someone who dressed up and wore make up to work every day, walked an hour there and back plus a gym class every evening and low carbed to someone who mainly wears pyjamas, does zero exercise, eats crap and never makes an effort.

I really really want to change and it’s massively affecting my relationship but I just about struggle through every day at the moment and have no motivation to do a workout after work. I feel permanently exhausted and almost numb to everything.

DP is tall, slim, works in sport and is out the house from 7am to 8/9/10pm and just can’t understand what’s happened to me. We’ve had similar conversations and although he still loves me, he’s admitted he finds it hard to find me attractive when I don’t do anything anymore. Our sex life has completely fallen off a cliff.

I don’t have any advice I’m afraid but just wanted to say I know how you feel and it’s incredibly hard to get out of and I’d have been the first person to suggest exercise to anyone feeling a bit down previously. Watching the replies with interest.

Eckhart · 23/09/2020 20:07

I think that that sort of upbringing - one of constantly suppressing ones feelings - is like a recipe for depression in adulthood. You get so distant from your feelings that you don't respect them or respond to them at all, and then you find that you're not 'you', but that you don't even know what 'you' means. You can't relate to what you might like or find interesting. And then you stall in life; just like you have.

So, if you're looking for a reason for how you feel, and have felt for a very long time, I think there is one. A strong one.

toofattolove · 23/09/2020 20:22

Thanks @Eckhart , I don't agree with you at all but I appreciate your reply

OP posts:
Myglorioushairdo · 23/09/2020 20:35

Sorry to be a bit dumb here, but what is it that you're faking? Maternal love? How would you be if you didn't have to sake anything? I do believe faking anything just makes you fall deeper and deeper into a hole. You must care for your son genuinely because you've said he deserves a good mum. That's caring in my opinion. Why isn't that enough?

roarfeckingroarr · 23/09/2020 20:44

That's not a life. You need to make big changes - for you not him.

toofattolove · 24/09/2020 09:40

@Myglorioushairdo I care for him, but I don't have gushing love for him and enjoy my time without him more than I'm with him.
I'm faking being happy around him , and regret being a mum more than anything. He will of course never hear this or know this

OP posts:
Myglorioushairdo · 24/09/2020 10:09

@toofattolove well you're right that you should never tell you son that. Is your medication the reason you're not experiencing deep feelings and gushing love?
Maybe stop expecting yourself to be and feel a certain way. Could you not look at motherhood in the way of appreciating the small human in your life with curiosity rather than punishing yourself for the lack of feeling?
I find my dc more and more interesting every day as they form opinions and personalities. Stop faking happiness. I don't think we're supposed to seem happy all the time plus our children can see through us more than we think.
For our parent to care and take interest in us is good enough. It sounds like you're doing just that. You don't have to be all singing, dancing, baking, happy mummy Confused

toofattolove · 24/09/2020 10:16

@Myglorioushairdo I'll never know if it's the meds as I can't compare it to anything

I didn't say I was all singing all dancing around him, he just doesn't witness the really bad stuff......

At the moment I'm too numb to appreciate anything.......even though I know most people would give their right arm to be living my life (minus the mental health demons)

OP posts:
Myglorioushairdo · 24/09/2020 10:26

@toofattolove it does sound like you are in a really bad place ☹️ Are you not living the life you want/feel is right for you? What would you do if you had no outside expectations or responsibilities? I do think sometimes we get depressed when we're not living our lives as our true selves. It takes a lot of bravery to change the norm, but you can't just accept merely existing in this world. External popularity and success mean nothing if its not your personal truth.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 24/09/2020 18:20

I suspect being on the maximum dose of AD’s is at least the partial cause of the numbing effect you’re experiencing (I’ve no medical background but it seems a reasonable conclusion). Could you discuss very gradually reducing them with your doctor? You don’t sound happy now so it might be worth trying.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.