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Original poster

dad has died

26 replies

OvertheRainbow2U · 20/09/2020 21:03

10 weeks and 2 days ago, heart attack at home, unexpected, paramedics were fab, tried and tried to get him back for 40 minutes, I sat with him for hours as had to wait for police and coroner to attend as unexpected death at home, said (what I thought)were my goodbyes - jokes, songs , hugging , holding), dealt with it practically at the time, now bereft, we were so close, looking after my mum, feel like in a dream half the time, awake at night, sleepy during day, drinking too much alcohol, working full time, forgetful, confused, anxious (about my own death), everything makes me cry, have 3 kids of around 30 who are just busy with their own lives, I'm divorced (think god - he was a massive tosser) feel pathetic - not suicidal but need somebody to give me a massive warm hug! I know you lovely mumsnetters have a wealth of experience - any advice would be so very welcome - before I lose my mind

OP posts:
Anthilda · 20/09/2020 21:07

No advice but I hope someone comes along soon. I'm so sorry you are going through this SadFlowers

Namechangeme87 · 20/09/2020 21:08

Oh love , this made me quite emotional to read !! I’m so sorry !! I don’t really have much advice other than the drinking won’t help ( I speak from experience with that ) it’s a temporary comfort but will add to feeling of depression and anxiety etc the next day . Much better to have a clear head in order to try and process things in my opinion anyway .

Just wanted to give you a a big virtual hug

Smile
redgin · 20/09/2020 21:13

Oh goodness, you poor thing.

I have experience of losing a family member in similar circumstances, and in addition I lost my own dad last year. So I will try and offer some thoughts...

Firstly that was a dreadful shock, and very traumatic circumstances. That alone would have a profound affect on you

In addition you are coming to terms with losing your dear dad. I too was very close to my dad.. mum died some years ago and over the years he was first my support, and then I looked after him as his health failed. I'd always been a daddy's girl... he was my first hero.

I think grief makes you very aware of your own mortality. Life is snatched away, and it forces you to face the fact we all die... and a parent always feels like they would be around forever.

My only advise would be to take it one day at a time. Don't try and think too far ahead... stay in the moment. Time does lessen the rawness, but you have had a terrible time.. don't underestimate the enormity of it, and accept it will be along time before you feel anywhere near normal. A different normal now, without dad.

All my best wishes.

Sunshinegirl82 · 20/09/2020 21:14

I'm so sorry about your dad.

My lovely dad died two and a half years ago, he was only 71 and it was quite sudden.

It's a really tough time and it's normal to feel all kinds of different things. There's no "right" way to deal with it. It does get easier to bear with time and there does come a point when it doesn't consume your every waking moment.

Take your time with it and look after yourself.

Notonthestairs · 20/09/2020 21:14

I'm so sorry Op - I lost my Mum in the same way. I remember the shock as being quite a physical reaction for weeks.

Go easy on yourself, take it hour by hour if you can, one step in front of the other. Do ring your family when you are struggling, they will want to support you but maybe don't know how.

All I can say is that in time you will remember them with joy. I now take a lot of pleasure in doing the things we used to do together and keeping her close without it feeling painful.

toomanyspiderplants · 20/09/2020 21:14

My dad died 4 years ago. one piece of really helpful advice I was given is to stay off the drink. it will only make it worse. also someone told me that you will learn to live with it in time..A cliché but true. Flowers

Original poster
OvertheRainbow2U · 20/09/2020 21:14

oh bless you Anthilda and Namechangeme87 -
thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
OvertheRainbow2U · 20/09/2020 21:17

thank you all! I knew you'd help x

OP posts:
AllTheWhoresOfMalta · 20/09/2020 21:17

I’m so sorry for your loss. My beloved grandad died this way and it was incredibly tough. I get that if someone is ill for a long time that’s it’s own type of terrible but the shock was crippling and it wasn’t until a couple of months on that I started to even begin getting my head around it. My mum was very close to him and she ended up seeking grief counselling around six months in and found it very helpful. Thinking of you.

FrolickingLemon · 20/09/2020 21:19

Oh God. Bless you. Huge hugs x

babbi · 20/09/2020 21:20

I’m so sorry about your dad .
Please don’t drink at the moment.
It won’t help .

Take good care of yourself and take each hour at a time .
Don’t pressure yourself to “ feel or get better “. You’ve had a huge loss and it will take a long time to get over it .

Reach out to people on here and in real life .
People are kind and do want to help if asked .

Original poster
OvertheRainbow2U · 20/09/2020 21:24

allTheWhoresOfMalta - I may do that - just to clear my head - I know I'm not going mad but feel I am, I am and have always been the 'solid' family member - the 'go to'. This is no longer the case and that, in itself is disturbing and unsettling

OP posts:
Bassettgirl · 20/09/2020 21:24

I am so sorry OP. I also lost my Dad last year suddenly at 71 and miss him every day. I am doing OK a year on but feel sad that there are so many things he is missing.

FadedRed · 20/09/2020 21:25

So sorry for your loss Flowers
Losing a parent is awful, and so suddenly is a further shock.
Some people have found it helpful, after such a sudden loss, to write a letter saying all the things that you didn’t get a chance to say in person, then to bury or burn it in a little, personal ceremony.
And maybe write letters for your children “to be opened in the event of your death” saying all the things you would now like to be hearing from your dad, had he left you such a letter.
Just an idea that might help you get your thoughts ‘straight’ and bring you a little mental peace.

AuditAngel · 20/09/2020 21:30

It’s almost 6 years since we lost our dad, in a very similar way to you. I feel for my sister who was performing CPR until the paramedics arrived.

Be kind to yourself, but to echo what the others have said, alcohol is a depressive, it won’t help in the long run.

It’s Monday tomorrow, perhaps plan to avoid the alcohol tomorrow?

TapingTheTop40 · 21/09/2020 08:34

So sorry for you.
My MIL died unexpectedly and instantly from a heart attack at home and it really hit my DH.
He felt the same as you but now 4 years on he is able to smile when he remembers her and feels more at peace.

Death is a horrible thing and I think the saying is true- don’t pity the dead pity the living.

Steviethetv · 21/09/2020 09:23

Op so sorry for your loss.
You are still in the very early stages of grief so everything you are feeling is normal.
Plus the trauma of watching it happen must be awful.
I don’t really have any advice just wanted to send you a hug.
I don’t know if you know but there is a bereavement section on mn . I found it really helpful during my darkest days.

YorkieTheRabbit · 21/09/2020 09:53

A huge hug from me Flowers I lost my dad in December and step mum in February.
Do talk to your kids, they may be busy but I’m sure they’d make time for you. Drinking won’t be helpful, don’t get me wrong, I like a drink but it will make things worse Flowers

BaldAndWild · 21/09/2020 10:16

I'm very sorry for your loss, op, have a massive virtual hug.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve.

I lost my mum a few years ago and I sometimes make 2 cups of tea and pretend she's sat at the table and have a chat to her.
Time has made memories that once brought sadness into happy memories.

I saw a post on here, can't remember who it was by, equating grief to walking on newly broken glass, that at first everything hurts, but gradually the glass turns into beautiful seaglass.

Gilead · 21/09/2020 11:43

Big hugs. 💐

HairyFloppins · 21/09/2020 11:53

So sorry OP Flowers

TweezerMay · 21/09/2020 12:16

I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Have a big hug from me.

RedRocketGirl · 21/09/2020 13:53

Oh no @OvertheRainbow2U poor you. What a horrible traumatizing experience. I hope that you can eventually take comfort from the fact that he wasn't alone and you were there when he needed you the most. You will come out the other side. It doesn't get 'better' but it does get easier to live with in time. Be kind to yourself and slow down as much as you can. After my Mum died I felt like I had the flu for weeks on end, my bones used to ache. Flowers

Pandapooks · 22/09/2020 19:46

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is a cliche but time will help, although I don't think you ever really get over loss like that you just adapt to it. I lost my dad just over two years ago and even though I mostly remember with a smile these days, there are also days where the most innocuous thing will come along and knock me over - something daft like my son scoring a great goal or seeing a grandad out with a small grandchild or something.
Be kind to yourself, it is early days and consider talking to someone, possibly even a counsellor

Crunchymum · 22/09/2020 20:37

Sorry for your loss OP.

I lost my mum in a very similar situation yesterday.

She collapsed, dad performed CPR on her until ambulance arrived, a team (in fact 2 ambulance crews and 2 rapid response units) worked on her for over an hour. By the time I got there, she was gone.

We had police then the undertakers. We got spend some precious time with her body.

The difference for me being it was just over 24 hours ago and my mum was 65. My kids are babies and won't ever remember my mum. I'm utterly fucking traumatised and cannot imagine I'll ever learn to accept this loss.