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Original poster

WWYD - cross dressing

29 replies

NamechangeforAIBU · 20/09/2020 08:18

Not intended to offend/provoke any kind of trans rights debates etc. Just intended to give a friend things to think on. She has asked to guage some opinions, but doesn't want her own account.

Friends husband is cross dressing in secret. Friend has found out and is feeling uncomfortable.
She tells me they haven't spoken about it yet, but wants to have some thoughts arranged before.
She doesn't feel comfortable with the idea and isn't sure that it's something she can accept in her marriage. My opinion is that she shouldn't be forced to accept this when he's changing something so fundamental about their marriage. She feels like that she would be 'anti trans' - she's not, or would be rejecting the person she's married to, when it's something that he clearly wants.

Has anyone been here please? Can anyone assist with any points to think about for her?

OP posts:

Okbutnotgreat · 20/09/2020 08:41

Of course she’s not anti trans just because it’s not for her, she’s just not attracted to a man who wants to dress as a woman. It’s likely that were she to want to wear a big moustache, a prosthetic beer belly and call herself Fred it wouldn’t float his boat either.

You can fall out of love for all sorts of reasons and you should never have to pretend otherwise. I love my DH more than anything but if I discovered that he liked dressing up in womens clothes and makeup etc It would kill my attraction to him stone dead and our marriage would be over. I don’t know if we would be able to be friends either because it would be too painful. We have been together a loooong time but I’m not ready to just be besties with my life partner, I have friends but my husband needs to be all man.

daysofpearlyspencer · 20/09/2020 08:43

For excellent advice from women who have experienced this, go to the Trans widow escape thread on FWR, they have a continuous thread running and will support and advice. Your friend has every right not to accept this, his behaviour will escalate.

sirfredfredgeorge · 20/09/2020 08:58

The first thing to do is probably not assume it is in any way related to a trans issue at all, he might just like dressing up...

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 20/09/2020 09:01

The most important thing to say to her is that she doesn’t have to agree to, support or participate in anything that she doesn’t want to. If the idea turns her on, great, if it disgusts her, also fine. And if she doesn’t want to be married to someone who does then, then she doesn’t have to be.

I would find it deeply unsexy, but then I do like a rather rugged man (looks at hunky DH and swoons).

ImaSababa · 20/09/2020 09:13

I hate to break it to you, but in the current batshit climate, your friend would be accused of violent transphobia for not being on board with her husband's fetish.

LadyFrumpington · 20/09/2020 09:17

She does not have to cohersed by political correctnessinto agreeing or accepting this.

Personally I would not be okay with this and would consider ending the marriage.

Annasgirl · 20/09/2020 09:18

I’m another who would suggest your friend go to the Trans widows area for support. Of course your friend’s husband might only want to do this for himself in his own home and it might never move on from that - could she accept that? I am a complete GC feminist but I could accept it if DH wanted this as long as it was nothing to do with me. But there are many things I could not accept that others on MN think are completely normal so I think your friend has to decide what is her line in the sand - preferably before she talks to her DH. Good luck.

Sexnotgender · 20/09/2020 09:20

She’s allowed to have personal boundaries, it’s absolutely not anti trans to feel uncomfortable with this.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/09/2020 09:34

Cross dressing doesn’t necessarily mean somebody is transgender or gay or anything other than somebody who likes wearing clothing socially designated for the opposite sex. Whilst you friend doesn’t have to accept anything in her marriage she doesn’t like, this doesn’t mean her husband wants to change his sex or gender (indeed, this is exactly why the idea of being able to do so is problematic: people should be able to do and wear what they like without it supposedly meaning they must be in the “wrong” body because they do.)

gypsywater · 20/09/2020 09:36

Isnt that just a fetish? Surely she doesnt have to be comfortable with a fetish if she isnt?

DrGachet · 20/09/2020 09:38

It's shocking isn't it that now one can be branded a bigot for not wanting to entertain a husbands kinks.Sad times.

IheartJKR · 20/09/2020 09:39

I’d be concerned about what other secrets he was keeping op.

NekoShiro · 20/09/2020 09:44

How long has he been doing this, is this something he's done since his teenage years and she just hasn't know? Or is it something he's started trying recently?

She needs to confront him about the fact that she saw and knows and ask him why, maybe it's something hes done a couple times for his own enjoyment but would happily give up because it makes her uncomfortable, or maybe it's a huge part of him and has been for years and it's a deal breaker for her.

Sexnotgender · 20/09/2020 09:56

Cross dressing doesn’t necessarily mean somebody is transgender

Cross dressing is part of the trans umbrella according to stonewall.

20bloodypounds · 20/09/2020 10:04

My friend was in the same situation. She saw a counsellor who was specialised in the subject. It really helped her to be clear in her own mind, to challenge her own preconceptions and judgements, but also to be clear about what she would accept and what her boundaries were. E.g. Her dh had to have his own clothes, not borrow hers. He had to do his own laundry. She would not allow his cross dressing to be part of their shared sex life.

LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus · 20/09/2020 10:06

My marriage is based on friendship, so I couldn't end my marriage over this. I am surprised that so many others would do, but then we all see things differently. My husband is my best friend and whilst I wouldn't choose that he does this, I wouldn't really mind. She doesn't have to be a part of the cross dressing, could she not accept that he does it? Counselling may help her to see things clearly so that she can sort her thoughts.

TyroSaysMeow · 20/09/2020 10:14

Let her know about the transwidow threads, OP. Tell her to have a read, before she talks to him. There are common scripts here and she'd do well to be alert to them.

If she's not comfortable with it, that's absolutely fine and she's not obliged to put up with it while trying to talk herself into being fine with it. She needs to be aware that he will very likely pressure her to accept it (whether as simply a kink or as a precursor to transition), and that he will have widespread societal backing given the current climate.

I thought I was fine with it. Tried really, really hard. But he was aroused by donning the sexualised shit that's pushed on women as part of the whole keeping us in our place as sexual and domestic appliances shit, and I couldn't get past that indicator of his internalized misogyny. It's taking sexual objectification to an extreme, and I was just another prop.

ComtesseDeSpair · 20/09/2020 10:16

@Sexnotgender

Cross dressing doesn’t necessarily mean somebody is transgender

Cross dressing is part of the trans umbrella according to stonewall.

And according to Christians Against Poverty, people can be helped through financial issues by being told of “the reality of a God who loves and cares for them". Just because a charity says it, doesn’t mean it’s true.

If the clothes he wears in his spare time are a dealbreaker for your friend, then that’s her decision to make; but if she’s distraught because she thinks he must have decided he’s transsexual then she may be worrying unnecessarily and communicating with her husband to establish what the reality is is probably a good idea.

Soontobe60 · 20/09/2020 10:24

She should sit down with him and ask him to explain. Until she does this, she cant make an informed choice.
For me, it would be a deal breaker. If my dh, whom I think I know inside and out, suddenly told me he gets his kicks from wearing specifically women’s clothes then I’d think that I didn’t know him that well, and that he’d kept a massive secret from me. Trust would be gone. I’d probably feel the same if he suddenly told me he watched porn every night!

LimpLettice · 20/09/2020 10:24

Point your friend to the trans widows threads here. It's perfectly possible her DH simply likes a few women's clothes for the sake of a bit of kink, and hasn't been lying throughout their marriage, and won't expect her to participate.

It's perfectly possible. In this climate tho, of positive affirmation, corporate funding and medical community backing, it isn't very likely. Tell her to read up very carefully, ask herself honestly about her marriage aside from this issue and be extremely clear that her boundaries are for her and her alone to decide. She probably will hear accusations of transphobia which isn't pleasant for anyone, but I'd say it's a damn sight more pleasant than having your husband expecting you to go with his fetish when you don't want to.

ChristmasinJune · 20/09/2020 10:27

She isn't doing anything wrong in feeling uncomfortable with it. She's entitled to her feelings and if it's a deal breaker in their marriage then that's very sad but still she hasn't done anything wrong.

Likewise though, he hasn't done anything wrong either, it's a side of him that he's choosing to express and he's allowed to do that.

The only way forward is an honest and open conversation on both sides.

She may feel that she will live with it in order to stay married. He may volunteer to give it up in order to stay married or they might both feel they can't change their position in which case they'll need to move on separately.

Good luck to them both.

Shizzlestix · 20/09/2020 10:27

It would be the end of the relationship for me. It’s fine for her not to want this, it doesn’t maker her anti-trans, in fact, that is pretty much irrelevant when it comes to what she wants.

LomasLongstrider · 20/09/2020 10:28

I know people that have broken up with others because they were too scruffy. It's shallow but that's human nature. I know if I had a dp who started bulking up and weight lifting I'd likely find that a real turn off and end up ending things (becoming overweight I could deal with, but oversized muscles make me feel bokey). Look at how many blokes leave their dw's because they put on a bit of weight or let themselves go a bit, not nice really, but it's their right.

Once your dp has given you the ick (for whatever reason), it's hard to feel like you did pre ick. No one should feel obliged to stay in a relationship with someone they don't fancy any more, or like, respect etc.

She needs to decide if it bothers her/turns her off enough to end things, or if it's something she could live with. They need to have a frank conversation about how far he wants to take it, does he want to dress that way in public or strictly in private etc (his responses may help her make up her mind). Also, something to think about, does he have any gay feelings? (Cross dressing and gay feelings don't always go hand in hand, but sometimes do, it's be worth asking to gauge his reaction at least).

There are women out there who genuinely wouldn't mind, or would even find it a turn on, if op can't accept it, it would be kinder to him and herself, to move on and both try to find more compatable dp's they'll be happier with in the long run.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 20/09/2020 10:32

If marriage and it's vows are legal binding unless tho shall agree to sharing a wardrobe is in there the op /friend can tell him to sod off and take his panties with him. It wasn't what she signed up for imo so no she isn't wrong to Ltb..

Onlyonewayout · 20/09/2020 10:35

It’s okay to like and not like things your spouse does. But given the current climate even those with a fetish of wearing women’s clothes fall under the trans umbrella and if you’re not on board you’re a bigot. Personally I’d find it a turn off. Alongside porn. I’d also point her to the trans widows thread. Like another poster has mentioned would he accept things if it was the other way round?

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