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Breaking up with someone over this? Am I being too critical?

70 replies

Sunshinelarder · 19/09/2020 09:54

I know any reason is ok to end a relationship if it’s your reason etc etc but I am wanting to know in general if others find this silly or if they would feel the same.

Im with a lovely man. He is great to me, really wants the relationship to progress. In many ways he’s fantastic, patient, understanding, kind. He really does want what’s best for me. But these are the things that bother me..

  1. Now and then I feel a bit patronised. I can’t really explain it but he had an ex gf who worked in the same industry as me and him, but in a small town...i work in a city and without going into detail the job is hugely more competitive in the sector I am in that the sector he and she worked in. He sometimes says she earned x and that her job (he is a manager in her sector) was the best sector to be in etc etc. This is hard to explain without detailing the work but suffice to say that the sector I am in is renowned for being the most competitive in this industry especially in comparison to what his ex did and he does - albeit he is a manager so has done very well. I feel so petty writing this and I never expected him or needed him to think I was some Wonder Woman at work, but it almost feels like he is manipulating me to move away from the city I worked in to live with him and go into a different sector. I also feel frustrated that he sees to have such a narrow minded attitude about this industry that he also works in - he’s never been city based and seemed to have a chip on his shoulder about it, at one point even commenting that the work I did was full of arrogant intellectuals who don’t actually know much. he didn’t include me in this of course.. I was the exception. 🤔

2. He earns a huge amount of money and nearly always pays when we go out at his election. I mostly drive to his which is an hour or so away so I guess I have all the travel costs (I like being away from the city, he would come to me if I asked). However, when we had an argument from time to time about something unrelated he often says ‘you expect me to pay for everything too!’ This is not true and while he has a lot of money I am quite ok without someone with money and had never and would never expect him to pay - he would always insist and/or be the one wanting to go out. This feels like a nasty thing to say in an argument unrelated to money.

3. He often says I am quite weird but he has become fond of it. To be fair I probably am a bit weird but I always feel this is a bit of a dig. Maybe I’m too sensitive.

4. Last week he bought a new rug for downstairs and I took up the original rug to make space and there were two unopened condoms under it. I laughed and said where are these from?! Expecting him to tell me they were there hoping we’d have sex one even on the floor or that it was from ages ago before we met when he was dating...or whatever funny story it was. Instead he got defensive and said he didn’t know why there were there...I pushed it and said oh come on jokingly and he became even more defensive and was adamant he didn’t know why they were there. He’s in constant contact with me (too much sometimes!) and I have never had an inkling that he’s cheating... I’m certain it’s not that but what bothers me is the fact he can’t be honest and laugh about it? Am I being over the top here or would this bother you too? I even said look I’m not angry I think it’s funny but it’s weird you are pretending you don’t know when you live alone in the house!

4. I suggested we have a weekend apart as it felt very intense over a particular couple of months. He said he would do that if that’s what I wanted but he would lose feelings fast for me because that’s just what he is like, either all in or all out. I get where he is coming from here but it made me feel confused that someone who was so loving and professed to want to be with me and loved me would then say he could just click his feelings off? Again maybe I am being sensitive.

5. When I asked for a break a while ago he reacted saying he didn’t do breaks and that to him would be a break up... fair enough. He then said if I broke up with him I would regret it and he would move on and wouldn’t wait around. I guess that’s fair enough in many ways but it felt like he was angry at me for suggesting it rather than actual upset if that makes any sense.

He is great to me and I know he wants us to be together and he is very invested in us. In sooo many ways he is a very very lovely family man who adores his parents but not in a strange way ! And is just a decent man who gets on with his work and lives a quiet life and is generally cheerful. I get the sense that if I was as keen as him then he would calm down a bit on these fronts maybe. I can’t put my finger on whether these things I have said are me being very unfair and critical?
OP posts:
Sunshinelarder · 19/09/2020 09:55

Whoa that’s longer than I thought! Whoops

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 19/09/2020 10:01

Red flags galore, OP.

Sorry, but he sounds awful and doesn’t even like you.

I’d ditch.

Shutupyoutart · 19/09/2020 10:10

I don't think you are being unfair and critical. Tbh he isn't coming across great op. Im a firm believer in trusting my instincts and yours are clearly tingling. Twice you have wanted to have space(why do you think that is? You say hes intense can you elaborate?) and asked him for that. Instead of saying of course whatever you need hes threatening to move on, telling you he will lose feelings. If hes so invested in the relationship those thoughts wouldnt enter his mind. The condom thing is weird.. People that get defensive like that often have something to hide. Also think hes bang out of order tnrowing it in your face about money when hes always insisting to pay. Amyway to answer your question no it wouldn't be silly to end it over those things.

Seeingadistance · 19/09/2020 10:17

OP, remember, you can split with someone for any reason, and you don’t have to provide reasons or justify your decision.

Once this guy realised that his previous threats, and negging, aren’t working to keep you in line anymore he may try to argue you out of splitting. Don’t engage, and don’t give him anything to use to turn it into a negotiation. By that, I mean don’t give specific examples - just say it’s not working for you, or similar phrase. Repeat as necessary, leave and block.

Sunshinelarder · 19/09/2020 10:18

Thanks for the replies. It’s an odd one because he is so so kind to me and we get to the weekend and he just asks what I want to do and he will be on board and happy about it and enthusiastic.

I think a lot of it is probably insecurity on his part but it makes me feel like there’s a gap between us that I can’t bridge as he doesn’t open up properly or tell me how he’s feeling about things at the time if you see what I mean? He does care about me and when I suggested we take a break he just kept saying I would regret it and he wouldn’t wait around and that I was weird but he had come to love that part of me

OP posts:
DrDavidBanner · 19/09/2020 10:21

Oof there's some mind games going on there. It looks a bit boiled frog from my perspective.

AllPlayedOut · 19/09/2020 10:21

You are not being too critical. There are big red flags everywhere with this man. He doesn't sound at all like a decent man. He sounds manipulative and controlling. I'd definitely end it now.

meow1989 · 19/09/2020 10:25

He sounds exhausting, get rid imo. "He'll go off you quickly" if you spend a weekend apart? Give me strength, he places a lot of importance on his own approval doesn't he?

The money thing (you expect me to pay) would really grate on me too.

Oldraver · 19/09/2020 10:28

Throwing in your face paying when he insists.....ditch

Threatening to remove feelings for ultimate for wanting a weekend off.... ditch

Saying your weird, but he will tolerate you, some kind of negging.... ditch

I could go on, hrs not being nice at all

SlightlySleepy · 19/09/2020 10:29

Nobody is perfect and these issues sound more like insecurity than 'red flags' (although, obviously they're not necessarily mutually exclusive). The patronising thing about work sounds like he does have a chip on his shoulder about not being in the best area of the industry, yet you are. Maybe he simultaneously admires you for it and has some jealousy about it. We all have these kind of insecurities; we're not beautiful/successful/clever/funny enough. You're not going to find someone who is totally at ease with everything that they are, and when you hit a nerve, people can act defensively. It's not ideal, but it's human.

Maybe he feels that you are a bit out of his league, so panicked that you would judge him about the condoms so overreacted. And perhaps, for the same reason, he tries desperately to keep you, to the point of trying to put you off splitting up with him. I think in a lot of these cases, it can be helped by having a chat about it. It really depends if that's what you want to do or not.

You need to decide for yourself if the rest of him is good enough to look past/work on these issues with him or if it's annoying enough to split up over. If it is early on in the relationship and he's already annoying you, then maybe you just don't like him all that much?

There's no need to stay with someone you don't much like, but on the other hand, if you do like him then the issues you stated can be worked on.

Gilead · 19/09/2020 10:29

Walk away, he is manipulative.

Dontcarewhatmyusernameis · 19/09/2020 10:29

It should be ok to have a weekend apart. It’s concerning that he says it isn’t. That’s not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Afibtomyboy · 19/09/2020 10:30

How long have you been with him?

You have suggested space and breaks. Relationships that last and are happy and positive...aren’t generally punctuated with “breaks”

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 10:30

Massive red flags.

All. Over. The. Place.

He is not a lovely man. There is a fuck load of sinister things right below the surface. I would be running away as though my arse were on fire.

pumpkinpie01 · 19/09/2020 10:30

He sounds very controlling , almost daring you to have space but if you do that's it his feelings will all be gone in a weekend !

Afibtomyboy · 19/09/2020 10:31

He doesn’t sound “bad” or red flags to me

He sounds insecure.

user186428036428936 · 19/09/2020 10:31

He doesn't sound nice, he sounds manipulative and mean.

TokyoSushi · 19/09/2020 10:31

Oh goodness no, I would not like this. Too intense, quite controlling, if you're not sure I'd move on.

WaltzingBetty · 19/09/2020 10:34

He sounds incredibly manipulative and inflexible

DrFoxtrot · 19/09/2020 10:36

No, you're not too critical - your instincts are just right. Move on and find someone who doesn't make you question whether things are right.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 19/09/2020 10:44

Yeah it all sounds creepy and makes me uncomfortable just reading it. Whether he’s manipulative or insecure is kind of irrelevant - both are bad in my experience.

As a pp said - you don’t ask for breaks from a functioning relationship.

keeponkeepingon2020 · 19/09/2020 10:51

OP you're not too sensitive or overthinking. Trust your gut, listen to your inner voice. He sounds like he has anger issues and low self esteem which is sad but you can't and won't change him. This is how he will be going forward. It will be hard but move on and find someone more compatible; when you do, you won't be second guessing anything. Flowers

ThePlantsitter · 19/09/2020 10:52

Too critical is dumping someone because they don't like bits in their orange juice and you do.

What you're actually asking is 'should I ignore my instincts' and the answer is of course no you shouldn't.

SlopesOff · 19/09/2020 10:54

He would go off you quickly plus condoms ready for use under the mat.

If you weren't there then someone else would be, fairly quickly. He pays indirectly for company/sex by paying when you go out, there are women/men that are happy with that and just want a good time.

He is a creep.

Fatarseflanagan09 · 19/09/2020 11:01

Sounds like a spiteful controlling creep, he’s giving you ultimatums because you want some time for yourself.
Get rid of him before he suffocates your freedom completely.

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