Dying with dignity

[NotMyWay]

Currently sat by an elderly loved one's bedside watching them die. Two days of thrashing around and begging me to kill them. Doctors are doing what they can but it's horrific. We don't treat animals like this so why are there not better options for end of life care?

I am so sorry for you and your relative - no one should be dying in pain. Are they not under the palliative care team and have palliative meds prescribed? Speak to the medics or nurses to see what your relative can have to ease their symptoms 💐

They have given all the sedative/ pain relief they can. I don't think they're in pain, just scared and agitated and fed up of lying in one position.

We don't treat animals like this so why are there not better options for end of life care?

I totally agree. It’s so inhumane and I can’t understand why people cannot have more say in the ending of their lives.

Please ask staff for your loved one to be repositioned and ask if they are due medication that helps with the agitation. Your voice and touch - holding their hand - will be so reassuring for them. I hope you both get some peace and respite. And don’t forget to look after yourself too - take a break, go for a short walk and get a cup of tea 💐

Do they have a syringe driver set up? Ask for some midazolam to be administered. This will help with the agitation.

Op I've been through this, it's horrendous, people should be made to see the reality of this.
Who wants it, who would choose it? A terminally ill person being made to die slowly!

It's in humane.

There is a syringe driver but they've pull it out of their arm and now trying to pull it out of their stomach. It doesn't feel like they are ready to go after being lucid and awake all day.

It's the worst thing I've ever done in my life, sitting with relatives just waiting for them to pass. It's even worse when they are agitated. You need to be asking every medical professional you can get hold of for something for their agitation and more pain relief.

My thoughts are with you

I've watched my mum drown in bed as fluid slowly filled her lungs, this was in a hospice. They were brilliant, but her death was horrible and upsetting for her and her family.

I've watched my pet cat be put down quickly and peacefully over the course of less than minute.

How it can be that a vet is more humane than medical care? It is crazy.

I will be planning my own suicide and will not let my kids suffer in the same way.

I very much support the right to die with dignity and cross fingers that by the time I am ready to go I will be able to make an informed choice for assisted dying; we do not seem to have any way to help those in such a situation as this despite medical advances. It is inhuman. I am so sorry for your relative and you and send blessings to you both at this horrible time.

You are right we do treat our pets with so much more dignity. Years ago I truly believe we used to treat our loved ones better. Drs went for quality over quantity. IMO procedures have been tightened up regarding end of life medications far too much and deny people dignity in their final days. The guidelines/rules seem to ignore people’s wishes and actual needs during the dying process.
My thoughts are with you and hope some one can prescribe something to help the agitation and fear.

Sleeping now. I want them just to drift off....

This is why I can't be sad when elderly relatives pass peacefully or in their sleep. I watched my Nan suffer for 10 days and thought how I humane it was. Thinking of you OP

My dads death was horrific a stroke had affected the signals from his brain to his lungs so several times a day his brain didn't control his s lungs and he wouldn't breath and the doctors wouldn't bring him off the ventilator (that kicked in at the very last moment it could while he suffered and bring him back) until they had exhausted all other long shot possibilities but luckily (I hope) for him he was in a coma and so as much I I hope he knew I was there I also hope the coma means he knew nothing consciously about what was happening to his body!
We had to watch his body struggle though.

We have the means to give people peaceful quick merciful deaths and instead we (as a society) allow them to writhe in pain and drown on their own fluids etc until their body gives up. I just don't understand it.

to everyone who has had to watch someone they love.

And I'm sending you a handhold @NotMyWay this part is hard and it's horrible but your loved one will im sure appreciate you being next to them.

Very sorry to hear that your relative is suffering so much. We had this experience this summer too. Absolutely horrible. But there were also important conversations during that time, and moments together, that I am very grateful for. Not to mention the fact that assisted suicide quickly becomes mandated suicide and is a real danger to vulnerable people.

I support a wonderfully compassionate organisation called Dignity in Dying.
They campaign for the right to choose. Some countries are more advanced in this regard.
If you're interested look up their website. They link in with Compassion in Dying, who help with drawing up Advance Directives.

Thus is fucking awful. I can't sit here holding them down for days to stop them hurting themselves.

@PantTwizzler

I agree with your comment about assisted suicide - mandated suicide. But we do have medication available to make people a lot more comfortable and less anxious etc. But where’s we used to be able to access these drugs - now we can’t for fear that doctors are accused of ‘bumping off’ people. When really it would be helping ease individuals suffering. We are seeing just this with my mil and I’m at a loss to know whether it is better that we aren’t being allowed to see her or not (care home).

@NotMyWay any chance you can have a very frank talk with a Dr?
My heart goes out to you. It’s such a traumatic time for everyone involved when all you want is some compassion.

My heart goes out to you. What help are you getting?

I'm so sorry. My grandfather died 18 months ago and luckily they sedated him quite a lot at the end so I only saw a few moments of real discomfort in his final weeks, but it must be awful to see it going on for days. Yes, I agree more help should be given so people don't have to suffer like this.

I'm sorry you are going through this, I had similar with my dad last year. It just seems so inhumane to let people suffer.

If you're not happy with the care they are getting be very pushy. Insist on speaking to a doctor and ask what is going to be done to make them comfortable, go to PALS and complain if you don't get adequate answers. Unfortunately in my experience the people who have relatives that create a fuss get better care.

I am so sorry OP. Same thing with my Nanna a couple of years ago. Very distressing for her, and for us to watch. Agree with a pp that you being there will bring comfort of some kind. My mum and I sat and told my nan she’d be dancing soon and doing her garden. Just talked soothingly about letting go. It was fucking hard but we can only hope it did something for her.

I’m sure you’ve done all you can with talking to the docs re deepest sedation possible. I’m so sorry and hope your relative has peace soon xx

Ask for the doctor to review. If not satisfied with the response of the first doctor who arrives, ask what the process is for escalating. There is a process for escalating in every hospital.

There is also a process for calling a medical emergency in every hospital. Untreated pain in a dying patient is a medical emergency. Ask how to activate the medical emergency process.

There is no limit to sedative and analgesic drugs at the end of life.

In fifteen years of palliating patients I have never once failed to make the patient comfortable. Absolutely nobody needs to suffer.