Funeral for teens

[bobajobmum]

My Dad has recently died and the funeral is Monday. I have 2DS'S 13 & 16 who have never attended a funeral, but want to go for their lovely Granddad. They are both nervous about the service etc, despite my explanation of proceedings,and whether they should be wearing 'funeral suitable' clothing. One is a bit hip the other lives in shorts and t-shirts.

Do i make them dress as i suppose is more accepted, or let them go as they feel comfortable to help them feel more relaxed about it all?

Just to say my lovely Dad wouldn't give a a flying fig and would just be touched they came.
TIA

It's pretty reasonable to expect them to dress appropriately (with your support and guidance). I imagine they will feel more awkward if everyone else is formal and they aren't.

I mean I wouldn't make them wear a suit, but could they find something suitable enough from the clothing they are comfortable with to pass? Dark jeans and a plain t-shirt or similar?

I would suggest dark trousers/jeans with a clean shirt or plain t shirt and a jacket if they have it. If not then a plain crew neck sweater is fine.

Smart but not suited and booted.

I think if they were in shorts etc then they might stick out like a sore thumb and feel self conscious.

My DS wore navy chino trousers and a blue shirt that he borrowed from a mate with the sleeves rolled up. He had his vans on. Still him but a smarter version.

I'd let them go dressed smart casual, as that is probably much closer to their style.

I went to a funeral last year where the dress code was casual. Family members and some friends of the deceased were wearing their football team's home strip.

The rest of us wore good jeans, t-shirts and trainers. It was what had been asked for.

Things and expectations are beginning to change around funerals now, but only you know what your family will accept.

Smart casual is probably playing it fairly safe.

I think as long as whatever they're wearing is clean and in good condition and doesn't have any objectionable slogans then it's fine - black/dark jeans and a plain shirt/top, clean shoes would be fine.

That's pretty much what my cousin wore to the last funeral I was at and noone commented/cared (he's 55).

When we lost my mum the grandchildren all wanted to come age 8-12. We didn’t set a dress code as such but smart casual so the children wore tidy jeans and a t shirt or summer dress and a cardigan.
Similar to if you were going out for a family meal for an occasion.

Sorry to hear of your loss OP.

If they dress in an unconventional way at a conventional funeral, then they might feel out-of-place unless they are particularly confident.

However, unless it is very strict - dark colours and skin-cover are the conventions. Very formal clothing seems less usual.

I’m really sorry about your dad.

What about your mum’s views, assuming she is still alive and now widowed?

The funeral will by default of covid be a small gathering and I’d let them where what they wanted unless it would cause a family issue.

I think they're more than old enough to understand that on certain occasions you just do what's appropriate.

I'm so sorry

What about wearing their school uniform?

Hope all goes as well as possible, and the day is as gentle as it can be on you all.

Mine were the same agae when my df died.
I wanted them smart and tbh they did too.
They wore school black trousers, white school shirt and we bought them a black tie each.
They looked a bit like bouncers, or waiters, but were smart.

After my dsis died, we handed her dc (14 and 17) the decision on attire. They opted for smart, but bright colours. When our dm died shortly afterwards, the older gc went for more formal black suits and the younger gc the same as for my dsis.
Sorry for your loss.

Ooh, sorry I thought I'd said.
I'm so sorry for your loss

I think when it’s your dad, you’re the one who is in the position to dictate what they wear.

For my dad, for example, I put word out that people didn’t need to be totally in black.

Is there anyone else going who would be offended?

Hope you work it out ok.

I think learning to dress appropriately for an occasion is part of growing up but as a PP has said, there is quite a range at funerals now - I attended one recently where absolutely everyone was in black so anyone who wasn't would have really stood out

Sorry posted too soon - was going to add, but this is by no means standard these days

If it helps, primark did a black suit with white shirt which people suggested to me. The black school pants and white school shirt is another option. For my dsis, my boys wore black jeans with light coloured shirts.

I'd just suggest they wear their school shoes, trousers and a dark top or dark jeans and a top. It's more important that they are there than what they are wearing.

They could wear school uniform or smart dark trousers, a proper collared shirt and I would say a black tie

When my brother died his children were older teens and wore what their dad was used to seeing them in .
His daughter said “ He wouldn’t recognise me in special clothes “
She wore shorts and tights and a t shirt . I think his son wore jeans and T shirt . You know what It doesn’t matter they are there to say goodbye to a much loved grandfather in their own way .

Sorry for your loss.

It really depends on the person doesn't it. When my granddad died last year he specifically said no one was to wear black and everyone was to wear casual clothes.

They are not that young. Attending funerals is just part of life. Yes they should comply with whatever dress code you've gone with and tbh as grandchild dark suits or at least smart/casual is appropriate.

Sorry for your loss op.

It also slightly dépends on whether the funeral is in a church or not and what denomination, but if your Dad wouldn't have given a flying fig, then I am sure it's just about looking neat and clean in slightly more formal clothing than usual, like dark clean chinos , a shirt, and maybe a dark jumper. Maybe school shoes or dark clean trainers if not? Brushed hair etc?

If the boys are slightly anxious about it, how about popping in to the venue briefly over the weekend (if it's open in these strange times) and spend a few minutes inside? That way your dc may feel more at ease in their surroundings on Monday?

I hope the service brings you all some comfort.

Have you asked them? I think they'd know to dress appropriately. Just ask "what were you thinking of wearing"
Sorry for your loss

I was going to say my family are fairly formal about these things but they wouldn't expect lads of 13 and 16 yrs to wear black ties unless they wanted to. Agree about shirt with collar though, maybe with v neck jumper but each to their own. Definitely clean shoes.