How did you know you were ready to try and conceive?

[Cottageinthehills]

What were your deciding factors and do you have any regrets?

Would you have waited any longer / less time if you could go back in time?

I am also mindful that there will be readers on here that have struggled to conceive, if that's you, I'm really sorry, I hope my post isn't insensitive but thoughts are with you

I got married aged 31 and felt that time was not on my side...

5 years and 3 MCs later DS1 arrived.

I have never been broody in my life, ever. It was more of a head decision.
I had DS4 aged 44

@Pacif1cDogwood I'm sorry about your MCs that must have been really difficult!

Fantastic news about your big brood though, I'm really glad things worked out for you.

All -
I'm 30 and im battling with a few things really, I am very broody but myself and dp are not yet married and before covid hit we were looking at upgrading our very small house. Covid has meant my dp has also lost his job which is a big stress factor and has 'set us back'!

Perhaps a selfish want here but I've also always wanted to go to japan and in my head I thought we could go as a last long haul destination before bringing children to the mix. Of course covid and financially it wouldn't be sensible to go now! At the same time I don't know how far we can wait really with my internal clock ticking! (My dps like to remind me of this haha!)

(I should say I'm turning 31 in 2 months!)

I deal with children, woman and families in my professional life and from that perspective I can honestly say there is no 'perfect' time to start a family. Waiting until ALL your ducks are in a row may delay TTC unreasonably, and you don't know how quickly you might be successful (80% of healthy couples conceive in the first 12 months of trying, another 10% in the 2nd year).

As long as you and your DP are on the same page, start trying whenever you feel ready.
Wrt finances/house - young babies actually need v little. Us parents are being tricked in to buying lots of crap things for them, but babies are actually quite cheap in the upkeep.
Re travel - well, I'd've hated to travel with a baby, I know lots of people do it and seem to enjoy, but I would not have. But who knows when we are next able to travel with world with impunity??

Speaking with hindsight I say if you want children don’t wait around. Make a plan of what needs to happen for you to feel confidently secure enough to have a child then focus on making it happen.

Over the age of 30 your risks of miscarriage and complications significantly increase. By 35 around 30% of pregnacies will miscarry. By 40 it is nearly 80%. Then add in the increased risks of ectopic pregnancy and and chromosomal disorders. You reach an age where it feels like it is more likely for things to go wrong.

Say it takes you a year to conceive, then you find you have an ectopic pregnancy and lose a Fallopian tube. Or your find out at the 12 week scan that the pregnancy is not viable. Or at the 20 week scan you discover the baby won’t survive being born. These are traumatic situations that could take years for you and your partner to recover from before you feel ready to try again. This all adds up to many many years.

I have recently experienced another loss so I may be projecting. It took us 2 years to recover from the last loss. It is hard. There is rarely anything that can be done to actively prevent a loss, but when the stats say starting earlier could reduce your risk of heartache it is hard to advise otherwise.

I found this helpful reading: expectingscience.com/2015/08/26/lies-damned-lies-and-miscarriage-statistics/

Over the age of 30 your risks of miscarriage and complications significantly increase. By 35 around 30% of pregnacies will miscarry. By 40 it is nearly 80%. Then add in the increased risks of ectopic pregnancy and and chromosomal disorders.

Those stats are not correct.

Tippytaps, the web page you link to demonstrates that the risk of miscarriage for a woman over 40 is just over 10%, ie chance of successful pregnancy almost 90%.

I am very sorry for your losses. It is an awful situation to find yourself in

In all honesty, I didn’t think it through.

I was 27, madly in love with my now DH (had been together for 3 years, but didn’t get married until after baby was born...so all a bit arse about face!)...and I suddenly just desperately wanted his baby. Massive broodiness came out of the blue.
Perhaps not the most level-headed approach!

But it worked out in the end. Been together 20 years, two DC, very happy.

...and DH and I went to Japan for my 40th . My mum had our DC and we had a very merry old time .

Emotionally - always had been broody, wanted to be a mum forever etc.

Practically - we'd lived together a couple of years, bought our first home and been on a big holiday.

Wedding booked for next year, ds will be nearly 3 Would love another baby once married!

In your early thirties, I wouldn’t panic or rush in if there’s still things you’d like to do first like travel.

Also passed my driving test before ttc, I forgot to add!

Id been broody for years and dh finally went.. OK!

The main things (marriage, job security, own property) were in place. At least they were as good as they were going to get. We realised that a lot of people around us were really struggling to conceive and we thought hang on, why are we waiting again??
Luckily for us it worked first time! And no, glad we didn't wait any longer

how many do you want op? I'd give it a year or so to do as much as you can then start trying.

I'm also so glad we had a baby last year as covid means we have focused on family so much more. No travelling or doing exciting things for us! Lockfown was kind of normal for us in so many ways.

It’s such a difficult one and I totally understand your dilemma. I was 29 when I had dc1, 31 with dc2 and will be 32 when dc3 gets here. My life has changed so much and I do miss my old freedom, travel and just lack of responsibility for anyone other than myself.

My dh is a few years older than me so we decided to try to conceive straight after our wedding. We were in a 4 bed house and were married, the two things we said were a must before babies. This isn’t necessarily what everyone would want though. On paper, it was the right time. However, had I known how quickly we would conceive (1st month of trying for dc1 and dc2 and happy surprise for dc3), then I would most definitely have waited until I was 32/33 until we started trying. However, until you actually try and succeed (or not!), you have no idea if you’ll have fertility issues. We wanted time on our side to be able to get help if we needed it. Whilst I know that many women successfully get pregnant in their late 30’s and 40’s, your chances massively decrease with age.

I love my dc more than anything and had many years of fun before dc1 arrived, but selfishly, I would have loved more.

In your shoes, I would decide on whether your house is big enough for a baby or two. If you have 2 bedrooms, then you could live there until dc2 needed to go into their own room which is a minimum of 6 months. This means that you probably have a few years yet until you actually need to move.

I would say to take whatever trips you have your heart set on before children though. Holidays will never be the same and it’ll be 20 years before you get a holiday alone with your dp doing exactly what you want to do. Whilst there may be people you say would happily look after the dc when you go, a) you won’t want to leave them and be so far away you couldn’t get home quickly, b) you’d feel guilty about them missing out, c) you’d talk yourself out of it as there will always be something more beneficial for your dc to spend that money on.

Sorry, that turned into a much longer post than I anticipated

I knew I would like to try for children in my late 20s.
Unfortunately (or perhaps in hindsight fortunately) that didn't work out.
Marriage broke down (not connected, arse had an affair) and I found myself dating at 32 for the first time since I was 17!

Decided this year that I'd start trying with my DP (now 37) and have been very fortunate to get pregnant straight away.
We'd talked about having kids a lot throughout the relationship, but the actual decision to try was quite spur of the moment.
I think we realised there never is a right time (always a holiday to enjoy, the hope of being more financially stable, going for one more promotion etc) and we would just make the best of what we have.

It was important to me to be married.

I recognise that this isn't a widely shared opinion!! 😊

I married 22 years ago, when I was 36 😳, immediately pregnant, and I now recognise how lucky I was. MC but immediately preg again.Now 2 DSs; 19 and 21 😂.

How did I know?

I didn't. I believe I could have gone through life, child-free. But it felt like 'the thing to do'. I've felt more broody looking at kittens than pretending I wanted to hold a friend's baby!

So I kind of strolled into it.

No real regrets. But I never really, really, desperately wanted to 'do it', if I'm honest!

I was not broody AT ALL then I had a cancer scare and when I was waiting on the results all I could think about was how sad it was that I had never had children. It surprised me.

We started TTC the day of the all clear and concieved the first month.

Do I regret it? Never, he (and his sister 3 years later) are the best decisions I ever made.

I didn't. The idea of actively deciding to start a family is completely alien to me. I had a surprise and once I was pregnant that was that, no going back.

@BabyLlamaZen we would like 2 we would consider a third but that would be depending on energy levels / finances / my age/ ability to juggle dc and career etc!

Ha! Op I had my first at 32 and Japan was always going to be our next big holiday before DD1 came along. No right answer but all I can say is, there is no right time and I think if I’d left it too late I would have regretted it, so just go for it, babies aren't as expensive as people say and you just kind of adjust. We are still planning Japan, maybe when the kid is old enough to appreciate it , maybe when they are 11? Planning trying for our 2nd age 35 and am nervous and many friends of my age have had miscarriages at this age (but I think 35 is still young!)

By the way, it’s tiring and you don’t have the carefree existence of your previous life but I wouldn’t change it for the world..as long as you can adjust to no wild night outs for a while it’s amazing 😊

@Sunshineandsparkle thank you for this! You have summarised my thoughts quite nicely but with practical and real life examples!

@Mumtotwofurbabies that post made me smile, it makes two of us wanting to go to japan!

Re night out, thankfully both me and dp couldn't think of anything worse, we out grew drinking and late nights a long time ago! Had my wild years in my early 20s, never again hahaha!