My Mother just talks at me and never listens!

[rainbowbug88]

My mother is in her 60s and no longer works. We had a rocky relationship when I was in my teens but after I left home at 19 we do get on well. She was a good mother and I do love her and enjoy seeing her but she has so little interest in me.

She does call me up but after a quick hello she launches into a monolog about her life, what she has done, what she's watching on tv, often in minute detail. She will give me a run down of all the various things that has upset or annoyed her often repeated herself several times over the course of various phone calls.
If she does ask about me myself or my family unless I launch into a monolog myself she just starts talking again right after I say fine and if I do try to say anything she will often say how she's busy and that she has to go (with the implication being that I have been keeping her back).

Basically its fine, I don't think she will change and its pointless arguing over but it feels like a bit of a superficial relationship. She lives with her new husband and they are pretty much happy. I think she was always a bit like this, more interested in my when I was more her's as a child and now in my sister who is a lot more similer to her than I am. It has probably got a bit more noticable as she has got older, especially the repeating things.

Anyone elses mum like this?

Both my dad and my MIL are like this. And I know from friends that their parents are like this too.

MIL is lovely really. But goes on and on and on. About the same stuff all the time. Stories from the past. The ones we have heard before many times. She lives about 300 miles from us - both in England. She keeps asking if we are shielding. If the rules are the same down here. She’s always been a bit like that - if you buy a loaf of bread she wants to know if it’s the same type that she gets in her local shop. Is your Co-op the same as our Co-op?

My dad has had lots of health issues lately so everything is about that. Which is understandable. But he has to tell you the full name of every nurse, doctor, porter etc that he has dealt with or spoken to. And it takes him ages to remember even if I say it doesn’t matter.

And he gets anxious and panicky about stuff. Catastrophises about things. And you can’t calm him. And he gets angry at himself. It’s so wearing. I’m one of four but don’t live in the same country. My sisters who live nearby get the brunt of it all.

My PIL are like this, especially MIL. It is exhausting. They haven't asked a proper question of us in years, anything they ever ask is designed as a launchpad for MILs next monologue. FIL sometimes talks but then completely tunes out what you say and launches into something else.

DH isn't bothered by it, and is completely able to zone out and nod along. He struggles to see any negative side to them.

I have an internal competition to see how long I can go without speaking when they are here (without being rude obviously). It's usually hours.

Conversations with my mother bring to mind a quote from Frasier: Copernicus called, and you are not the centre of the universe!

I love Frasier and that quote in particular

Although talking of TV, that is basically my PIL only hobby and has been since they retired 20 years ago in their mid-50s... I love a bit of telly but I really don't need to hear, in excruciating detail, about every single episode of every show that has been watched by PIL, ever.

The worst is things like Escape to the Chateau and that sort of thing. MIL talks about 'Dick and Angel' like they are old friends or family, whilst not asking about actual family sitting in front of her.

Exactly the same here and ever since I can remember my dm has talked about her childhood, the same old stories to infinity, so it has nothing to do with getting older.
It is a monologue, although sometimes she seems mildly better on the phone than in person. These calls always go on for an hour and I agree about getting up and leaving the phone and coming back and she has not noticed I am not there. What I do now is put her on loudspeaker so I can multitask.
I looked up 'thought verbaliser' and that seems to describe the to a T.
Every single thought that enters her head tumbles out of her mouth.
Much worse I find when I visit is that she goes off on a tangent, talking about one thing, then another and another and none have any connection at all, it makes my head spin.
If I do not agree with her she calls me 'contrary' in my mind I am trying to take part in the conversation and have an opinion.

My DM used to suffer from this - as in she was the victim. She dutifully phoned her DM several times a week as expected to do so, and the rest of us would half-jokingly ask if she was 'calling to listen to her mum', but it was indeed true. Instead of contacting somebody so as to conduct a two-way conversation, it was like some kind of radio station that you had to dial in to with a phone when you wanted (or were expected) to listen to a programme, rather than just turning on a knob.

When we were quite young, my DSis and I devised a game in which, as soon as she called her DM, we would put the sofa cushions on the floor and then stand on the sofa in readiness. One of us would take 'Yes' and the other 'No' and then dive off on to our cushion every time we heard 'our' word said by DM, before clambering back ready for the next one. We frequently scored into the hundreds.

Older male relatives tend to favour jokes or mildly 'amusing' the first time anecdotes from the past, time and time and time again. You can see the glint in their eye as they're building up to you exploding in untameable hilarity, open-mouthed in horrified disbelief as you hear this vaguely smile-worthy tale for the 326th time. If you interrupt or try to hurry them on, they just pause or ignore you and then carry on as intended.

Milton Jones made a funny joke about the 'Guess who's dead' game - he said he'd go to his DM's house and she'd be saying "Do you know Doris from number 18? She's died. Do you know Bert from number 44? he's died" - and Milton would reply "Look, Mum, just put down the gun and come down off the roof!"

I looked up 'thought verbaliser' and that seems to describe the to a T.
I think of it as narration, just an endless stream of narration, like the sleepcasts on Headspace.

Pmsl. Same.

Is your mum my next-door-neighbour?

Look, Mum, just put down the gun and come down off the roof!

Love it!

The old stories get embellished over time though yes? So embellished that they become utter nonsense and nothing like what happened.

My mum has always liked to change a few facts around (and i know because i was THERE when these things supposedly happened) and that's tolerable for dramatic effect. The weather or the number of people or whatever, but goodness me these days she goes well into fantasy land. I'll hear her telling a friend a total fib about something i did or what happened ect. and i just roll my eyes and wander off and hope they never mention it to me all wide eyed with amazement about, for eg:
The Time In The Summer Of 1981 That Laiste Had That School Friend Over Who Stole Everything Out Of Our Kitchen And Ran Out Of The House With It

Would i be honest and reveal it's all complete bollox? Depends on the mood i think

Oh, yes, the anecdotes which gradually become 99% fiction! My DM does that too.

She will even do it with stuff which happened to us WHEN SHE WASN'T THERE - stuff she only knows about because we've mentioned it. Then she turns the actual event into a practically unrecognisable "funny" story and tells it to lots of other people as "something that happened to Hershellina." She will even do this right in front of us, and if we correct her then she gets cross and tells us we're wrong and it actually happened the way she's telling it...

This is my I am LC with one of my sisters. There was no big falling out, I just couldn't cope with it any more.

Imagine being locked down with one of these mums. And a newborn.

That was me.

She didn’t get up till 4 pm but stayed up all night talking to other people on the phone. If you said ‘ the baby is awake’ she would reply ‘ ahh he is asleep is he?’ Like exactly the opposite of what you just said. Drove me crazy. I did a lot of yelling that I wasn’t proud of. But I didn’t want her to be alone in a small flat. Deserve a medal.

@taradiddle

On a lighter note, has anyone seen the episode of Motherland where the main character's slightly elderly in-laws come to stay? It's so well-observed and familiar it made me weep with laughter.

Yes! I didn't like the series very much but this episode...actual phrases, that can be guaranteed to be part of most visits, were used. Far too close to reality. Things went into a whole new bizarre other dimension recently during a phonecall. Had had a very strange and worrying 'conversation' showing some very dark undersides to the reaction to staying in, and I was very concerned, trying to unpack and encourage to talk and to show how worried I was. Then I get cut across with: "Let's talk about Sal Turner." (name changed here). I have never met Sal Turner - friend of DM's - so let's not, just now, eh?

My DM does this too. But in her case I think (know) it's because she's going almost completely deaf and also abhors any lulls in conversation - so she simply keeps talking at everyone and likes to 'hold court' so that she can be part (all) of the conversation. If others in the group were to make small talk for example she wouldn't be able to hear properly to keep up with it so she just makes sure she dominates all conversations. Same if it's a 1 to 1.

People, it has happened again. The husband of one of my mothers friends died - sad, but not unexpected as he had had cancer for a while. I get a whole sad tale from her about how it's devastating that his son couldn't be there, and how he won't be there for the funeral, and how it's a tragedy that he's stuck in Perth and can't fly over...

...Only to later learn that the son has been there THE WHOLE TIME and she was just making things up again. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Because just the death on its own wasn't sad and moving enough, obviously. Time to sex up that story!

🤦‍♀️

Exactly. I find it really ghoulish.

Exactly this. I'm a single man (49). How do I cope with our just providing monotone yes and no answers in order to finish the call as quickly as possible?

I hear you. I have exactly the same call every day. It's as if she feels as if it's her duty. Don't get me wrong my mum can be incredibly thoughtful but the art of conversation certainly isn't one of her strengths.

It's seems as if there are a lot of us suffering with this kind of relationship. Does anyone have any practical tips to minimise the frustration?